Path: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!news-out.cwix.com!newsfeed.cwix.com!feed1.news.rcn.net!rcn!howland.erols.net!newshub2.home.com!news.home.com!news1.rdc1.bc.home.com.POSTED!not-for-mail
Newsgroups: alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk,news.answers,alt.answers,misc.answers,
Subject: The Mad Hatter Fan Club FAQ You Nimrod
From:
[email protected] (the_mighty_balloo)
Organization: les miaos rouges
Message-ID: <
[email protected]>
User-Agent: Xnews/03.01.23
Followup-To: poster
X-Mad-Hatter-Matrix: 15x1
X-Wee-Saul-Disciple: 10
X-Smeeter: but of course
X-Awarded: Order of the Greasy Sombrero
X-Accepted: Yes, please. Thank you very much.
X-Dainty-Ursine-Of-Delight: Jelliebun's
X-Archive: until the sun grows cold and dim.
Approved: yeah, sure, why not?
Expires: 30 May 2000 00:00:00 GMT
Lines: 2711
Date: Tue, 09 May 2000 00:59:07 GMT
NNTP-Posting-Host: 24.113.23.97
X-Complaints-To:
[email protected]
X-Trace: news1.rdc1.bc.home.com 957833947 24.113.23.97 (Mon, 08 May 2000 17:59:07 PDT)
NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 08 May 2000 17:59:07 PDT
Xref: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk:40555 news.answers:183355 alt.answers:48903 misc.answers:11199
The next positions on the matrix will be in the 26x? numeric range.
The URL for the online Mad Hatter Fan Club Entrance Examination is hosted by
our own cb cool, and is quite often found at:
http://www.open.org/cboatlor/exam.htm
http://www.flonk.org/exam.htm
Since the last posting of the FAQ, cbcool (mhm16x9) died of MS. She is now
replying to her e-mail on a schedule much like that of the Mad Hatter
Himself. Dave Hillstrom (mhm15x4) is the �administrator� of flonk.org,
and is currently living out of the back of his pickup truck in Florida
trying to get the Canadian government to allow him semi-permanent residential
status so that he can continue smepping our darling Puck (mhm9x9).
Both of their web sites send the completed online examination forms to
an e-mail account that was closed Saturday May 6th, 2000. I have sent
them both e-mail asking them to change their web pages. Who will respond
first is anybodies guess. The exam has been posted in
alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk with instructions to send completed
forms to the new administrative address for the fan club;
[email protected]
This document contains the earliest known occurances of the MHFC FAQ, painted
in sepia, burnt umber and charcoal upon the rock walls of a cave in the Loire
Valley of, um, Illinois. The most _recent_ portion of the FAQ is not, in
fact, a FREQUENTLY asked questions list, but rather a RECENTLY asked quesitons
list, and was maintained by Brad himself at
http://mh.ph.nu/faq.html. There
was one of them cgi perl html interactive java things for you to submit your
own questions to The Hatter, and in keeping with fan club policy it was never
updated during its brief existance. The �nu� domain has since bitten the
dust.
The Fantastic Life and Suicide of Mister Mary Holliday can no longer be found
online. I�m trying to get Brad to give me a copy that I may host, but serious
arm twisting will need to be done on this. At the very least I have been
able to host the original archive of canonical Mad Hatter usenet articles.
http://members.home.com/thatdarnbear/mh/index.html
Any and all questions may be sent to
[email protected]
And may Ghodd bless.
Original List of Newsgroups to Which
FAQ Was Excessively Cross
Posted on April Eighth, 1998, during
The Cabal (There Is No Cabal)'s 3rd
Party Cancel Moritorium:
alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk,
alt.alien.wanderers,alt.fan.karl-malden.nose,
alt.evil,alt.flame,alt.butt.harp,
alt.horror.werewolves,
alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die,
alt.barney.sponge-minions.die.die.die,
alt.control,alt.cosuard,
alt.binaries.multimedia.flonk,
alt.conspiracy.retards,alt.fan.jewel,
alt.genius.bill-palmer,
alt.sex.masturbation.bill-palmer,
alt.usenet.kooks,alt.groppi,
alt.gamera.is.friend.to.all.children,
alt.cuddle,alt.music.tuba,
news.admin.net-abuse.usenet,
rec.arts.disney.parks,rec.pets.cats,
rec.music.beatles,soc.culture.british,
misc.writing,rec.arts.prose,rec.arts.poems,
alt.music.nirvana,alt.music.pearl-jam,
alt.music.the-doors,
alt.sports.football.support.gay,
alt.best.of.internet,alt.fan.jello-biafra,
alt.etext,alt.guitar.tab,alt.sex.fetish.yams,
alt.sex.motss,alt.sex.plushies,alt.config,
rec.music.makers.songwriting,
alt.goth,soc.history.wars.misc,talk.bizarre
----------------------------------------[1-19-95]
t h e m a d
h a t t e r f a n c l u b
f r e q u e n t l y a s k e d q u e s t i o n s
f i l e
_________________________________________________
1.0) QUESTIONS ABOUT THE MAD HATTER FAN CLUB...
1. ``When Was The Mad
Hatter Fan Club Created?''
It began as soon as Mad Hatter was born;
however, the Mad Hatter Fan Club arrived
on the net on August 28th, 1994. It's
been a non-stop fest of sanity since then.
2. ``What's The Purpose
Of The Mad Hatter Fan Club?''
To methodically destroy all purposes in
the WORLD!
3. ``Is The Mad Hatter
Fan Club Just A Blatant Attempt
For Attention And Ego Inflation?''
Er, no! Whatever would give you such
an idea?
4. ``Where Can I Find The
Mad Hatter Fan Club?''
The dramatic answer to this question is
'they'll find YOU.'
Members appear to be everywhere but
currently the official home is
alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk
and occasionally the popular
alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die
newsgroup.
Frequently members seem to take over
other newsgroups in the name of the
Mad Hatter Fan Club and though we don't
officially endorse this practice we
also can't say that it doesn't make
us smile.
5. ``Why Should I Join
The Mad Hatter Fan Club?''
What the hell else have you got to do?
6. ``What Is
alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk
For?''
Nobody's really quite sure. The
Mad Hatter Fan Club stays there,
bothering its neighbours and
frequently other parts of the
alphabet as well.
7. ``What The HELL Is
A Flonk?''
There are a number of theories.
Don't listen to Dan Cross. In
fact, don't listen to anyone but
Mad Hatter. It makes life much
easier (and fun!) for everyone.
The most popular theory involves
a spatula, the future and some
bits that are too embarrassing to
repeat.
It's still up for interpretation.
Email your ideas to
[email protected].
A list is being compiled.
8. ``What Is An MHM?''
An MHM is A Mad Hatter Matrix which
is the fun and spiffy number
you can get from Mad Hatter himself.
It's your verified
membership into the Fan Club and
may be proudly displayed on your
clothing, car or .sig file to
protect you from being slaughtered
when the revolution comes.
9. ``Ooh! How Do I
Get One?''
There was a silly little dance
invented to get one, but it was
then realized that without the
proper expensive equipment it
would be too difficult to actually
watch so instead there's a Mad
Hatter Fan Club Entrance Exam
which is posted every now and then
to alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk
and can as always be found
on the World Wide Web page.
(ed. note: Low F on a BBb tuba. The current
location of the Mad Hatter Fan Club
Entrance Examination is
http://www.open.org/cboatlor/exam.htm
)
Mad Hatter is still willing
to view any dance videos sent by
prospective members.
10. ``What's The Mad
Hatter Drinking Game?''
Start drinking when you turn on
your television and don't stop
until you're so blurry and
senseless you can't turn it off.
(note: creates a dangerous paradox.
be careful!)
11. ``What's The Mad
Hatter Illegal Narcotic
Game?''
Illegal. Shhh.
12. ``How Many Members
Are In The Mad Hatter Fan
Club?''
More than you would expect and
less than the entire world.
13. ``Where Can I Learn
More About The Mad Hatter
Fan Club?''
Mad Hatter randomly reposts various
bits of information to
alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk
with no pattern or regard for
convenience but the best source of
information by far is the Mad
Hatter World Wide Web page at
http://www.magi.com/~gray/mh.html.
14. ``Help! The Mad
Hatter Fan Club Is Bothering
Me! How Do I Make It Go
Away?''
Unfortunately we can't reveal that
secret because if we did everyone
would be able to make us go away and
that would be no fun at all!
But here's a hint: saying 'your
wierd' in response to everything
posted by the members probably
won't do it.
15. ``Why Does The Mad
Hatter Fan Club Bother
The Jihad Against Barney?''
Because they're idiots.
And they threatened Mad Hatter's
life and we have vague recollections
of them mocking his integrity.
Truly, truly criminal.
16. ``Why Don't You All
Get A Life?''
Because lives are baaaaaaaad.
Make a sheep joke. I dare you.
17. ``Did The Mad Hatter
Fan Club Just Herd Sheep
Through My Kitchen?''
No. All members of The Mad Hatter
Fan Club are equipped with an
innate and peculiar fear of sheep
which was designed to protect
them in the event of battle with
any sheep wielding enemies.
They may have been antelopes.
18. ``I'm Planning To Capture
The Entire Mad Hatter Fan Club.
What Size Of A Box Do I Need?''
Go away, Gargamel. We're bigger
and meaner than the Smurfs and
not afraid to hurt cats.
We're also less blue although
not much.
19. ``Are There Any Mad
Hatter Fan Club Add-Ons
For DOOM?''
Only one. It replaces your gun
with a wiffle-bat and fills the
screen with a very serious font
that says, "You're Playing DOOM.
Why?"
20. ``Is It True That
The Mad Hatter Fan Club
Employs Scare Tactics To
Bring In New Members?''
No.
Well, okay.. just a little.
_____________________________________________
2.0) SPECIFIC QUESTIONS ABOUT MAD HATTER...
1. ``Who Is This Mad
Hatter Guy The Kids Are
All Talking About?''
(from the original Mad Hatter
Fan Club FAQ.)
Mad Hatter is part teen idol, part
God, part cartoon character, part
dark-and-evil-thing-which-gropes-at-
your-throat-in-the-middle-of-the-night
and sometimes part Salad Shooter(tm).
Mad Hatter's alter ego is Brad
Turcotte and through this clever
identity he performs various works
of evil and terror though not
necessarily in that order. He
also reads and posts to Usenet
through it. His alter ego lives
in a small town named Kemptville
which is just outside of another
small town which happens to be
named Ottawa and also happened
to become the Capital of Canada
somehow. The only speculation
put forth about how this
happened involves Martians and
is actually very embarrassing to
all Canadians everywhere. Handy
that they're always too drunk to
be embarrassed.
At age seventeen, his fifty-third
(recallable) life seems to be off
to a rollicking start and appears
to be gaining momentum with every
pathetic and hopeless year.
Mad Hatter spends the majority of
his time working on his public image
and flossing rigorously. At night
he likes to go for long walks
and/or get roaring drunk until he
gets picked up by the police or
falls asleep somewhere extremely
dangerous. Nobody knows exactly why
he does this but we assume he has
his reasons.
All in all, Mad Hatter is one of
the most amazing, wonderful,
graceful, majestic, powerful and
overall fascinating human beings
of this century and several before.
And he rarely falls down entire
flights of stairs.
Mad Hatter works in strange and
questionable ways, but we are
convinced that if not an actual
deity he is at least entertaining
and of course, as they say in
Spanish; "muchos sexuale."
2. ``Hey, Isn't He
Just Ripping Off [various
net.deity or wannabe]?''
Yes and he apologizes for stealing
the entire concept of being a
powermongering asshole from whoever
it was that came up with it.
Learn to cope: it helps.
3. ``Is He The Mad
Hatter That--''
No.
4. ``You Don't Even
Know What I Was Going To
Ask!''
Don't care.
5. ``Cult Of The--''
No.
6. ``What Does MH
Stand For?''
Mister Happy. What do you
think?
7. ``How Old Is He
And When Is His Birthday?''
Mad Hatter was born on November
14th, 1976 and is now, due to
modern mathematics, twenty-one.
8. "Where Does He Keep
His Ego?''
In his.. MAGIC BAG!
9. ``Is It True That Mad
Hatter Is Cooler Than Me?''
Sadly, yes. Sorry.
10. ``Are There Any Mad
Hatter Smileys?''
No, but let's make some up:
=|:B - Mad Hatter with his
radiant smile and
immense scary beaver teeth.
=|;> - Devious Mad Hatter
after being stabbed
in the right eye.
=|::::: - Mad Hatter with his
ten-eyed mask on which
he uses to scare tourists
and small animals.
=| - Mad Hatter in his
invisibility suit.
=|) - Mad Hatter rising out
of a manhole (much like the
Penguin in Batman Returns.)
=|:8 - Mad Hatter performing
his mysterious 'EIGHTY
PING-PONG BALLS STUFFED
IN HIS MOUTH' trick.
=|B> - Mad Hatter with his Batman
mask on. Bat Hatter!
=|8( - Mad Hatter with his violent
allergy to yams.
=|:( - Frowning Mad Hatter.
=|:( - Frowning Mad Hatter
WITH NO TORSO!
11. ``Are The Rumours
About Mad Hatter And Leona
Helmsley True?''
Everything but the bit involving
citrus rinds.
12. ``Can I Contact Mad
Hatter Through My Ouija Board?''
Yes, but if you interrupt him during
the X-Files he'll tear your throat
out.
13. ``Isn't He A Pacifist?''
Yes, but a mean one.
14. ``Is It True He's
Trent Reznor Reincarnated?''
Yep.
15. ``But He's Not Dead!''
No.. but soon. Soon!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
16. ``Does Anything
Bother Him About Being
On The Net?''
Well, the fact that there's no
really decent way to do an evil
laugh, the spelling of 'tuque' is
really dumb and there's no online
monetary system to make scamming
people a bit more worthwhile.
17. ``Is Mad Hatter
A Goth?''
No! He just likes black, found
a really good deal on the porcelain
fangs and wears the cape so he can
look really cool in the event of a
tornado. NOW STOP ASKING!
18. ``Has Mad Hatter
Ever Been A Contestant
On Jeopardy?''
Yes, and he was the first contestant
to respond to every question with
'WHO CARES!'
19. ``Is Or Has Mad
Hatter Ever Been On
Prozac?''
No, they didn't have it in tasty
chewable form.
20. ``What Newsgroups
Does He Read?''
alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk
- Ooh! How retro!
alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die
- But.. Why?
misc.writing
- Inventing his cool writer
persona.
rec.arts.prose
- He's a prose kinda guy.
rec.arts.poems
- He's a laugh at bad poetry
kinda guy.
alt.music.nirvana
- Nature is a Whore / Sell
the Kids for Smores.
alt.music.pearl-jam
- Mmmmm. Purrrl Jammmm.
alt.music.the-doors
- Break on through! Whoo!
alt.sports.football.support.gay
- Needed help. Difficult
to explain.
alt.best.of.internet
- Waits for his posts
to be reposted.
alt.fan.jello-biafra
- Huzzah!
alt.etext
- No real reason behind this one.
He's just loopy.
alt.guitar.tab
- So he can be a rockin'
guitar guy.
alt.sex.fetish.yams
- They're so delish! How
can you resist?
alt.config
- Meow.
rec.music.makers.songwriting
- Waiting for a Song Generating
Program.
21. ``I Just Got This
Message After Leaving Mail
To Mad Hatter:
Hello [name] (address)! Thank you
for sending email to me, Brad
Turcotte also known as the Mad
Hatter at [time] on [date]!
I hardly have time to reply to
your fascinating and entirely
worthwhile email what with my
pressing social life and education
so let me quickly summarize my
honest and humble thoughts in
reply:
1. I find each of the points
you expressed in your message
truly interesting and well
thought out. I will consider
them greatly in my travels
down this dusty and well-travelled
road we call life and thank
you profusely for the knowledge
you've given me. I hope that
in the future I can find it
within myself to somehow repay
you.
2. Any problems you spoke of
are truly devastatingly sad and
I wish I had more time to give
you the attention you need and
deserve for leading such a tragic
and unfortunate life. I wish
you good luck and well-being
and just remember to smile and
that I care about you deeply
and passionately no matter if
we've not spoken or met before.
True love and caring is not
restricted by the bounds of
actual previous human or
electronic contact. Remember
this and go swiftly into the
night, for it shall soon be dawn,
my love for you will have grown
even greater and you must not
see me shed tears out of longing
for you.
3. While I found all of the
opinions in your message diverse,
well thought out and the mark of
a true intellectual; I and all of
the members of The Mad Hatter Fan
Club do not necessarily agree or
disagree with them and cannot
condone or condemn a lifestyle
living strictly under them.
4. I thank you for writing, and
encourage you to smile.
MH. --
21. '' What Does It Mean?''
Go away.
22. ``Does He Mean It?''
More than you can possibly
imagine.
23. ``What Awards Has
He Won?''
He won several Most Valuable
Player awards for baseball when
he was younger. He won the
'Most Likely To Die Young In A
Very Creative Way' award in his
Grade Eight class and the 1993
'Strongest Of The Weak'
award. He was also up for an
Emmy but everyone suddenly
realized he wasn't on TV.
24. ``What Religion
Is Mad Hatter?''
Whatever's convenient at the
time. Usually Mormon because
he thinks it sounds funny. You
mormon! Hee hee hee.
25. ``I'd Like To Give
Some Things To Mad Hatter But
I Can't Figure Out What.''
Effects processor.
Synthesizers.
Any sound equipment
whatsoever. God's head
on a plate, garnished
with love. Music-- ask him
directly what he wants.
A lightsaber.
One or more Super Star
Destroyers.
Brad "No Bombs Please" Turcotte
800 Kennedy Road
Kemptville, Ontario
CANADA
K0G 1J0
26. ``Is Mad Hatter
Homophobic?''
If the homosexual has a
gun, yes.
27. ``Does Mad Hatter
Like Puppies?''
For..?
28. ``What Complexes
Does Mad Hatter Have?''
Surprisingly, only one. The
Flippidus Complex which in a
nutshell means he has this
tremendous urge to kill morons.
He's on medication.. usually.
Morons beware.
29 ``Hey! What Are
You Doing?''
Uh.. Nothing! Look over there!
30. ``What is Mad Hatter's
Stand On Abortion?''
He hopes to never have one.
31. ``Capital Punishment?''
Yes, thank you!
32. ``What's Mad Hatter's
Opinion On Homosexuals?''
They'd be fine if they'd only
stop having sex CONSTANTLY.
Every bloody minute of the day..
sex, sex, sex. My god, give it
a rest and relax! Don't you
people ever SLEEP? You know,
PARTS ARE GOING TO START FALLING
OFF IF YOU DON'T TAKE A BREAK.
33. ``What's Mad Hatter's
Opinion On Homosexuals In
The Army?''
The fact that homosexuals wanted
into the army sort of blew his theory
that they were a new, neater and
altogether superior breed of men.
But otherwise he thinks they have
the right to blow up people just as
much as everyone else.
34. ``Dammit Man! Is
He CRAZY?''
..and marketable.
35. ``Why Is He Here?''
For cake, of course.
36. ``What One Thing
Would Mad Hatter Like To
Clarify About Himself?''
"I am NOT Sandy Duncan."
37. ``Has Mad Hatter
Written Any Books?''
Yes, but as of yet they're
all unreleased. If you'd
like to see them.. You can't.
So give up. You're quite welcome
to bother him about writing
another one though, as he seems
to entertain the idea
dangerously often.
38. ``Why Is Mad Hatter
Afraid Of The Sun?''
He's not! The sun's afraid of him.
And would YOU want to scare a giant
ball of flaming hydrogen that's
largely responsible for the
continuation of life on our planet?!
Give him some credit!
39. ``What's The Secret
Behind His Success?''
sugar caffeine and staying lean
being mean and quite obscene
being evil and never nice
eating beans and chicken fried
rice
whoo!
40. ``Is Mad Hatter
A Poet?''
No.. He's never even TRIED Opium!
_________________________________________
1.5) MAD HATTER STALKING INFORMATION...
1. ``How Do I Become
An OFFICIAL Mad Hatter Stalker?''
Leave him mail saying, "I'm now
stalking you and will not rest
until you are dead and I'm wearing
your clothes, eating your food
and living your miserably pointless
life. HA HA HA HA."
2. ``What Should I
Know Before Beginning
To Stalk Mad Hatter?''
He's not easily startled or in fact
very perceptive. If you intend to
park outside his house in order to
watch and wait for him you will
most likely be there for a very
long time. He rarely leaves his
home and when he does, he is usually
in quite a hurry. Do not block the
driveway-- You will be killed.
3. ``Does Mad Hatter
Have Any Problem With Me
Stalking Him?''
Not particularly. Just don't step
on his heels. He HATES that.
4. ``What Should I
Know Before Going Through
His Garbage?''
You should probably know that he
has a strange fondness for
radioactive material, so please
wear the appropriate protective
gear before endangering yourself.
5. ``What's His
Favourite Colour?"
Black. Or Purple. He's not sure.
Black-purple, most likely.
6. ``What Does
He Usually Wear?''
A paper bag and Chanel No. 5 for
the ladies.
7. ``How Do I Achieve
The 'I'm Sad & Crazy- Touch
Me And Perish' Look That
Mad Hatter Has?''
First be sure to become an
antisocial incast as opposed
to a social outcast. Grow your
hair long but not in a traditional
sort of way. Decorate your person
with absolute disregard for
modern rules or physics if you can.
Wear sunglasses at night without
smashing into anything and live in
your basement to bond with your
cats better.
When Clarion Makeup Computers snicker
and scream, 'LIKE MAKEUP COULD HELP
*YOU*!! HA HA HA! GET SOME SUN,
PASTY-BOY!" in a little digital
voice you'll know you've got it.
8. ``Where Can I
Find Mad Hatter If I
Need To Kill Him?''
Usually at home. Sometimes in the
town of Ottawa.
9. ``Where Can I
Find Mad Hatter If I
Need To Killfile Him?''
[email protected].
10. ``What Does Mad
Hatter Eat?''
It depends. He's just like the
Swedish Chef except not Swedish, a
chef or very short. The things he
can prepare can be counted on one
hand and sadly usually carried in
one as well. They are:
Lipton's Cup-o-Soup
Toast w/varying spreads
Cap'n Crunch Cereal
Horrid Mini-Pizzas
Warm condiments in a glass
Hotdogs (but not often because
there are more than one parts.)
Okay, maybe YOU don't all have
six fingers. But SOME people have
gifts.
11. ``How Does Mad
Hatter Eat?''
Well, he tries to be neat but
normally fails what with the
complexity of forks nowadays.
12. ``How Tall Is He?''
6'1 and a half without his clogs.
7'6 with.
13. ``Is Mad Hatter
Gay?''
When the theme fits, yes.
14. ``Are There Any
ASCII Pictures Of Mad Hatter?''
Just one:
hi!
o /
/|
/ \
Yes, he's doing the John Travolta
Disco pose and his torso does in
fact look like a pipe.
15. ``Will Mad Hatter
Write Something For My
Dumb Little Magazine?''
Probably. Ask him. He's very
personable, don't you know.
16. ``Will Mad Hatter
Marry Me?''
Yes. You are the wind beneath his
wings.
17. ``What Are Some Of
Mad Hatter's USENET Hobbies?''
- Asking very dumb questions with
obvious answers in alt.sex.plushies.
- Responding to every typo in
misc.writing with, 'You call
yourself a WRITER?!'
- Responding to every occurrence
of the word 'Hitler' in
soc.history.war.misc with 'Hitler?
I don't even know her! HA HA HA!'
and then running away REALLY quickly.
- Making friends with the Jihad
Against Barney.
- MAKE MONKEYS FAST!
- Trying to moderate talk.bizarre.
- Responding to every post in
rec.birds with, 'HEY, YOU'RE NO
BIRD!'
18. ``Has Mad Hatter
Ever Had Elvis Channel
Through Him?''
Elvis would have to be DEAD,
you silly goose!
19. ``Describe Mad
Hatter's Hair In One Word.''
Benevolent.
20. ``I'm A Psychic and--''
Go.. AWAY.
21. ``Is Mad Hatter's
House Haunted?''
Yes. Just last week as he was
eating his breakfast of Cap'n Crunch,
Sugar Coated Toast and a Super-Duper
Sugar Shake a strange fuzzy sphere
appeared in front of him and
shrieked 'VIIIIIIE!' Mad Hatter
almost stopped shaking out of fear.
22. ``What's Mad Hatter's
Other Plan To Become a
Millionaire?''
To find all the people willing to
spend a dollar to express their
opinion to A Current Affair on
whether William Shatner wears a
hairpiece or not and bleed them
for all they're worth.
23. ``Is Mad Hatter
White Trash?''
He likes to think of himself as
a whole different part of the
rainbow of social trash.
24. ``Are There Any
ASCII Renderings Of Mad
Hatter's Room?''
No.
25. ``Are You Sure?''
Okay, just one:
(note: not actual size.)
A. | / / \ --------------------------D.----------------
| / / \ | o o o C. | |____________| | |
| \/ B \ |o__o_o_o_________| | E. |
---------| \ / |_____|
\ / _____
____ + ___F.____|
| Q. | J. |o o ____
|____| |o o \ |
______ ___ | || o \|
| o | | H. |G.| ----+
| P.o| |___ | oo o o o
|o__o| |o o oo o
-__----------------------- |_o___o___o
|O.| | |
|__| | | +
__ | | / \
|N | | M. | | ============== | ____ / I. /
|__| | | | o L. o o o | |__K._| / / ----
-------------------------- | o o | /___ /
A - Magic closet J - Ugly Carpeting
B - Evil Green Chair K - Amplifier! Rock ON!
C - Chest of Doom L - Residual Desk
D - Brad Entrance and Exit Portal M - Restoration Chamber
E - Dehumidifier / Printer stand N - Pillow A
F - Super Duper Computer Tower Case O - Pillow B
G - Desk P - End Table w/ Lamp
H - Control Chair Q - Trash Can
I - Box of Heavenly Visions
'o's denote Coke cans.
26. ``No Windows?''
Look at your monitor from a
higher angle. Don't see them?
Keep trying.
27. ``What Beer Does
Mad Hatter Drink?''
None but specifically not Red Dog.
28. ``What Compact
Disc Clubs Does Mad Hatter
Belong To?''
Just Crazy Omar's House of Shiny
Flat Circles That Fly. He thought
it was for something else.
29. ``Will You Please
List, In Alphabetical Order,
The Bands He Likes?''
The Doors, Skinny Puppy, Stone Temple
Pilots, Acid Horse, Ministry, Lard,
Malhavoc, Live, Pigface, Killing Joke,
Moist, The Cure, The Jesus & Mary
Chain, The Dead Kennedys, Nirvana,
Dead Can Dance, Horizon 222, Tool, N
ine Inch Nails, 1,000 Homo DJ's, The
Revolting Cocks, GWAR, Sarah McLachlan,
Smashing Pumpkins, Tom Petty & The
Heartbreakers, The Beatles, The Rolling
Stones, Pearl Jam, Siouxsie &The
Banshees, George Thorogood And The
Delaware Destroyers, Enigma, Marilyn
Manson and the whole bloody Crow
Soundtrack.
30. ``That Wasn't
In Alphabetical Order.''
Uhm.. Go screw..(?)
_______________________________________________
4.0) QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE...
1. ``How Does Mad
Hatter Explain The Eighties?''
Asbestos! Other than that he's
lost.
2. ``Where's My Cat?''
HA HA HA HA!
3. ``Is There A Cure
For Stupidity?''
Sadly, no.
4. ``No Seriously,
Where The Hell Is My Cat?''
HA HA HA!!
5. ``Will Mad Hatter Marry Me?''
Yes.
6. ``What Opera About
'Rustic Chivalry' Takes
Place On Easter Day?''
Cavalleria Rusticina.
7. ``What's The Sound A
Man Makes When He Has His
Penis Bitten?''
According to my closed captioning,
'IIIIIIIIIIE!'
(source: Jumping Jack Flash.)
8. ``What Will Be One
Of The Signs of The Apocalypse?''
Robert Smiths shoes will begin to
glow and speak. They'll preach on
high for seven days, when they
will be used as a gateway for Satan
to appear on Earth. It will, of
course, be very messy. And Robert
Smith will still be sad.
9. ``How Do You Know
You Exist?''
Get in the Philosopher Box.
10. ``How Do You Know
IT Exists?''
I don't but it serves me well.
Get in it.
11. ``What's It
Actually Like In Canada?''
Besides the risk of injury by
flying Hockey pucks it's a nice
place. Too many Canadians, though.
12. ``What The Hell
Is A 'Gerbil Jammer'?''
You don't want to know if you
can't guess.
13. ``Why Did I Wake
Up With My Shoes On?''
Because driving without shoes
on is dangerous.
14. ``I Just Looked
In The Mirror And I Have
No Reflection!''
You have what's commonly called
Goth Fever among medical
professionals. Go listen to
some Disco, groove about your
home in an unserious manner and
check again. If you still have
no reflection then you're a
vampire. Have fun!
15. ``Help! I'm
A Sandwich!''
Rebel!
16. ``I'm Drunk.
Now What?''
Spin on your head.
Play darts.
Spin on someone else's head.
Play with exacto-knives.
Spar with your shadow-- but
win this time.
Play checkers by yourself.
Post to newsgroups bragging
about how drunk you are, why
that makes you cool and how
you of course have better things
to do than be posting to a
newsgroup like having sex with
your hordes of girlfriends
or maybe doing hard drugs like
real men do.
Throw up.
Blow me. How the fuck am I
supposed to know? Go away.
17. ``Why Am I
Reading This FAQ?''
Because you're an illogical,
irrational being and you have too
much time on your hands, of course!
18. ``Aaaugh! I'm
A Jock! What Should I Do?''
Why.. cease to exist of course.
19. ``Is It True That
Beauty Is In The Eye Of
The Beholder?''
No, Aaron Spelling.
20. ``You're A Prick,
Brad.''
That's not a question, Scott.
21. ``If Two Trains
Were Travelling At The
Same Speed--''
No math.
22. ``--uhm.. Would
They Be, Uh.. Fast.. Trains?''
Go away again.
23. ``My Yo-Yo Isn't
Working! What's Wrong?''
If your Yo-Yo is not performing the
first Yo, the problem may be one
of the following:
- Broken or no string.
- Be sure to let go of the strange,
optionally glowing sphere
the string extends out from.
- Standing on your head? Don't be.
- Your hand should be open with
the palm facing _DOWN_.
- Check your planet for gravity.
Some planets are not Yo-Yo
capable.
- Perhaps Satan or some other
unworldly creature is living in
either your hand or your Yo-Yo.
Have them both exorcised.
- Be sure you have at least ONE
(1) human, or 100% compatible
arm and hand. You will most
likely need a torso as well,
but we're confidant that if
you're missing your torso, you
have bigger problems than not
being able to Yo-Yo.
If it's not performing the SECOND Yo,
the problem may be one of these:
- Be sure you had your finger
through the loop on the string.
- Again check your planet for
gravity. You never know.
- Remember to clasp your fingers
around the Yo-Yo when it
returns.
- Did your finger fall with the
Yo-Yo? Check for leprosy.
- Did you fall over? Join a
weight training program or
buy a lighter Yo-Yo.
- Check to make sure you're
taller than the Yo-Yo string.
If not; stand on a table or
chair.
- Yo-Yo's do not work
underwater.
- A brief muffled scream?
Get off Ted Nugent's chest.
Things to remember for safe and
productive Yo-Yoing:
- Yo-Yoing from a moving vehicle
will not work.
- Yo-Yoing into a tank of Killer
Sharks will only work once.
- Slinging the Yo-Yo at moving
cars while it's attached to
your hand is not a good idea.
- Yo-Yo's are NOT flotation
devices.
- Yo-Yo's ARE flirtation devices.
- And lastly, do NOT under ANY
CIRCUMSTANCES Yo-Yo in a mine
field.
Any other problems do not exist and
if you insist that they do, you're
loony and we'll have you locked up.
Happy Yo-Yoing!
24. ``Which Television
Shows Should I Watch?''
The X-Files and The Simpsons.
Nothing else unless you're mocking
it.
25. ``What Should I
NOT Put In This Salad?''
Olives, spinach, bacon and Iranians.
26. ``I'm Thirsty."
I'm Friday! Come over Saturday and
we'll have a Sunday!
27. ``Where Am I?''
Earth. Doubtlessly the most beautiful
planet you've ever visited.
28. ``Can I Catapult
Myself To The Moon?''
No, but you can Moonapult to the cat.
(blink)
I don't even know what that means.
29. ``What's Question
Number Thirty Going To Be
About?''
I think it'll probably have something
to do with tomatoes. Wait and see.
30. ``Was It?''
You people ruin everything.
______________________________________________
5.0) THE MAD HATTER FAN CLUB ACRONYM LIST
IAMHAYAN - I am Mad Hatter and you..
ARE NOTHING.
YAABI - You Are A Big Idiot.
IIWOPIKY - If I Wasn't On Prozac,
I'd Kill You.
ODYSBM - One Day, You Shall Be Mine.
DNTTN - Do Not Taunt The Mannequins.
TMHFC - The Mad Hatter Fan Club
(not to be confused with
'The Man Hates Fried
Chicken'-- he doesn't.)
IAE - I Am Evil.
WTTJP - Welcome To the Jungle, Pansy.
THYG - Try Harder, You Goon.
IBYCFOFTLOYWT - I Bet You Can't Figure Out For
The Life Of You What This
SAIF Stupid Acronym Is For.
IATAAICTYJ - I Am The Antichrist And
I Can Tell You're Jealous.
MH - Mad Hatter.
MHR - Mad Hatter Rules.
MHRLAKOS - Mad Hatter Rules Like A
King on Speed.
WNIDWTMH - Who Needs Inflatable Dolls
When There's Mad Hatter?
AT - A popular preposition.
PEMIAR - Please Excuse Me;
I'm Axl Rose.
IBB - I'll Be Back.
WAYTA - What Are you Talking About?
IDGI - I Don't Get It.
SIYTMO - Stop It; You're Turning Me On.
IAA - I Am Awesome! --
IAA - I Am Awemore! | --
Can only be
distinguished by the vibe.
IAA - I Am Awemost! --
E - Eek!
IMTSITW - I Meant To Spell It That Way.
ISCC - I Suck. Come Closer.
PHSWMIHAF - Please Have Sex With Me;
I Haven't Any Friends.
IIKYWYSLM - If I Kill You Will
You Still Love Me?
IKCILTSTDIKCA
MTMCCEUMCIWHT
SFEPCTSTHSYIT
KWYITCYIHASPS
ICSYCTTHTSBIT
ISTTOTAHHOOTW
EWTDOCYHBIWTI
GMRIDWSPAMTIN
ESBMMSTFTSTAT
AMAICAWMACBKF
ADSIKCILTSTDI
KCAMTMCIBTHID
IKCCHWFY - The lyrics to 'I Kill
Children' by the Dead
Kennedys.
IBYTTWC - I Bet You Thought That
Was Clever.
WASYAW - We Are Strong, You Are Weak.
RTFMYBSIBIWYSHYB - Read The Fucking Manual
You Big Stupid Idiot
Before I Whack
You So Hard You Bounce.
GAP - Go Away, Poncho.
____________________________________________
6.0) LIKES AND DISLIKES
Spaghetti | Chinese Water Torture
No Surgery | No Anasthetic
Disco | Urkel, my mortal enemy
Futons | The Glad Man, my OTHER
| mortal enemy
The X-Files | Nipple Electroshock
| Endurance Tests
Cats | Allergies
Star Wars | Dream A Little Dream
Sleep | Insomnia
Self-Employment | Self-Impalement
Exploding | Exploding (messy)
The Jihad Against | The Jihad Against
Beer | Barney
Smoking | Burning
Jello Biafra | Jello Biafra
ruling the world | ruling his herd
Calvin and Hobbes | Disembowelment
Paranoia | Everyone who's
| out to get me
Masturbation | Male menstruation
Rhyming | Sliming..?
Candy | CAMPING, MY FINAL
| MORTAL ENEMY..
| FOR NOW.
Cake | Sodomy
Slacking | Uh, car-jacking
Failing | Trying
Chocolate | Cholorea
Smurfs | Snorks
Busting suckas | Busting moves
Hatred for all | Mimes
mankind |
Darkness | Sunshine
Powermongering | Lovemongering
People named | People named
'Eddie' | 'Morgan'
Weird people | Wired people
Prompt dinner | Prompt dinner
delivery | delivery
| of Swiss Chalet
Scamming | Being scammed
Having enough | Not having the
appendages | gift of flight
Axcess magazine | Wired Magazine
The Dead Kennedys | The Grateful Dead
Photocopy machines | Poets
Expensive music | Poverty
equipment |
Corruption | Not being invisible
The Doors | Hippies-- okay, my
| LAST mortal enemies
__________________________________________
7.0) CLOSING NOTES
Have you any comments or questions, you're
welcome to email them to Mad Hatter at
[email protected] where he'll enjoy
laughing at your failure to understand his
"art."
Many thanks to the people that sent in
questions that we never actually got around
to using so we don't have to actually thank
anyone here and can remain a cold, faceless
fascist organization.
Read alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk.
If your site doesn't carry it then murder
everyone immediately around you in protest.
Have a nice day.
MH.
Newsgroups: alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk
From:
[email protected] (Brad Turcotte)
Subject: Re: Interview with the Mad Hatter
Date: Thu Oct 26 03:02:28 1995
THE MAD HATTER FAN CLUB
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS, V4.0 --
Questions by
[email protected],
who has a lot of Bs in his address.
> A questionaire for you to complete, good sir:
This will be the next version of the FAQ, by
the way. I suppose I should make a header or
something. Maybe I'll go do that now...
There. Done.
> 1.) Where did the Mad Hatter get his start?
On Usenet, it was
alt.stupid.signature.flame.flame.flame. All
other history has been buried and if it is
found I will kill all that see it.
> 2.) Is it true that the Mad Hatter wanders
> the countryside terrorizing livestock and
> farmers alike muttering the lyrics to NIN
> songs while wearing a touque once made
> famous by Bob and Doug Mackenzie?
No, just the livestock.
> 3.) Does your mother know this?
My mother knows everything about me. She's
apparently read my Web page and she says it
needs updating and I know this, but I'm
avoiding it. "And goddammit!" she says,
"put some freakin' graphics on it!"
> 4.) Does your mother join you?
My mother says to tell you, "Why, is he
coming apart?" She always was the clever
one in the family.
> 5.) Would you care to comment on your
> obsession with cats?
Yes. Cats = yum.
> 6.) Flonk, flonk, flonk: just a saying,
> or a way of life?
Flonk, flonk, what?
> 7.) What is the worst alcoholic beverage
> you ever consumed?
I don't remember, but it had alcohol in it.
Contrary to popular belief, I don't put much
alcohol into my body. I dislike things that
strain my weak grip on keeping myself from
spinning wildly out of control and killing
things, because I tend to do it in a really
messy and classless way when I'm intoxicated.
I prefer a nice sober killing. You can put
more care into it.
> 8.) Were you drunk at the time?
I honestly can't remember the faintest thing
before about seven o'clock this morning.
> 9.) Doesn't that defeat the purpose?
Yes, but purposes suck.
> 10.) Can you describe the official hat
> of the MH?
I actually can't wear hats. They make my
hair angry.
> 11.) Why have third world countries
> banned your posts to their newsgroups?
Because I make them even hungrier for love.
> 12.) Is it true your ego is so large you
> actually _can't_ get in the door at night?
No, that's my gargantuan pelvis. The ego
only keeps me from playing squash, which
is fine because I hate squash.
> 13.) Being a native of South Florida, I
> can personally vouch for the surplus of
> Canadians down here during the winter
> months. It this because this is when you
> start your annual pledge drive to gather
> new recruits to the MH Fan Club?
Not exactly. It's because of Canada's
annual "Running of the Elderly", where
all (mean) Canadians under the age of
thirty pick up pointy sticks and chase
all old people with latent tourist urges
in them over the border with the threat
of being brutally poked to death.
> 14.) What is the current size of the
> fan club?
What, now I'm supposed to start COUNTING?
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME!!!
> 15.) What is the best bribe you ever
> received from a member?
Well, the Canadian government offered me
a couple million to stop mentioning Canada
and claim that I was actually from Cuba. I
got the money, blew it on candy and have
been on such a sugar rush since that the
government won't even come _near_ me.
> 18.) What are the best snow tires to
> put on your vehicle?
I wouldn't know. I get around in floaty shoes.
> 19.) What are the best snow tires to
> attach to a rope-swing?
A round one?
> 20.) Have you seen sunlight in the
> past week?
Do pictures count?
> 21.) The past year?
Oh great. Another year happened and
I missed it.
> 22.) Since puberty?
Puberty?
> 23.) Ever?
I think I saw some when I was younger.
We didn't get along well.
> 24.) If there were one person on
> this Earth who you felt deserved
> your "special attention", who would
> that person be, and why?
Tom Snyder, because he is a fabulous
man who I want to marry and live
happily ever with. His show is
interesting and informative and
good. I'm sure it will be cancelled
though, so I plan to befriend Tom and
get him to fall in love with me on the
rebound from that tragedy. I would
eternally bathe him in my sparkling
rivers of love... if only he knew I
existed...
> 25.) Other than posting on newsgroups
> and forming press gangs to gain
> new membe rs for the fan club, do
> you have a life?
Nope.
> 26.) Do you have any brothers or sisters,
> or did your parents swear off sex in
> hopes of never making this mistake again?
I have a sister.
> 27.) Do small children flee screaming at
> the mere sight of your approach?
Actually, no. If anyone likes me at all,
it's small children. Whenever I go to the
doctor's office I'm usually dressed in all
black with my hair down and with a giant red
and white striped shirt on. Kids think that's
wacky. They haven't been programmed enough by
society to know that they should fear me. But
soon.
> 28.) Do women everywhere find you
> irresistable and sexy?
On the contrary. I've had it explained to me
how completely resistible I am. And I think
my sex appeal melted when I was messing with
hydro lines a couple years ago.
> 29.) Isn't this just a delusional fantasy
> of yours?
Isn't everything?
> 30.) Speaking of fantasies, what's your
> favorite?
It involves Wilford Brimley, a tropical
island and a whole lotta licorice. I'd
write it out but I've been told there are
kids out there reading this.
Hi there, kids.
> 31.) Have you ever engaged in a
> philisophical discussion over the
> validity of e xtra-terrestrials?
I have. Many, many times. I spent
several years being fascinated
with the possibility of extra-terrestrials
existing. I've come to the conclusion
that everyone on this planet except me
is an alien from the planet Celery and
wants to invade my salad.
> 32.) Do you have proof of one?
Hi there.
> 33.) Is he living under your bed?
I really don't know. I can't keep track
of all the people under there.
> 34.) What do you think would be the
> greatest benefit if the Earth
> suddenly stopped rotating and
> there was no more gravity?
Well, apparently everyone would vomit a lot.
At least that's what I've heard. So that
might be fun. Um. I think the best part
would be watching news-casters on TV trying
to maintain a serious and professional
composure while floating around and vomiting
lots.
> 35.) Would sales of the "Wonder bra" plumet?
Hell no. They wouldn't put the word "wonder"
in it if it wasn't magical, would they?
> 36.) Have you ever owned your very own set
> of Ginsu knives?
No, but I once cut a man named Ginsu into
little bits and kept them in my trunk for
three weeks until I traded the car in and
got a Subaru.
> 37.) What did you use them for?
Normal imaginary Ginsu activities.
> 37.) Haven't I already asked question
> number 37?
Perhaps.
> 38.) Doesn't that make this question #39?
Hapsper.
> 40.) Have I annoyed you enough yet?
I was annoyed enough when I was five. It's
been impossible to keep track ever since then.
> I think that's enough questions for now.
> Please post your responses here as I'm
> sure all your loyal readers would like
> a little more insight into the
> world of the Mad Hatter.
I'm also willing to do as many full expose
interviews as it takes to make me cooler
than I am now.
MH.
THE MAD HATTER FAN CLUB
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Archive-name: mhfc/info
Last-modified: $Date: 1995/10/19 03:32:31 $
Version: $Revision: 4.14 $
Posting-Frequency: monthly
THERE IS NO LITTLE FUN INTRO BIT TO THIS
FAQ BECAUSE THE EXPLANATION IS LONG,
EMBARRASSING AND INVOLVES HURTING YOU A
REAL LOT.
All questions completely stolen from the
Suicide FAQ by someone named Graham Stoney
that doesn't know I'm doing this so don't
tell him or I'll hunt you down and tickle
you stupid.
� 1. Why do people attempt suicide?
For a variety of different reasons. Sometimes
the weather, sometimes rock music, sometimes
bad karma. But currently the leading cause of
suicide is, well, you. You heartless bastard
I wish you were dead, how do you live with
yourself, all those innocent people, don't you
feel the least bit guilty, etc, etc.
� 2. Aren't all suicidal people crazy?
Yes. Do not attempt to pet a suicidal person
as they may bite you. Though this may amuse
them and curb their suicidal urges as they
realize that life is a hell of a lot more
fun when you go around biting people at
random.
� 3. Doesn't talking about suicide
encourage it?
No, but saying "KILL YOURSELF, YOU
WORTHLESS SUICIDAL LOSER! YOU
COULDN'T KILL YOURSELF TO SAVE
YOUR LIFE!!" does.
� 4. So what sort of things
can contribute to someone
� feeling suicidal?
Well again, mostly just you, really.
� 5. How would I know if
someone I care about was
� contemplating suicide?
If you have the Mary Holiday Home
Suicidal Test, simply grab the
person, tie them down, and rectally
administer the large scary robot
which will scan the person's bowels
for any signs of suicidal behaviour.
� 6. I'm a bit uncomfortable
about the topic; can't
� it just go away?
Sorry, it has to be taken rectally.
No getting around it.
� 7. So what can I do about it?
Once the robot is administered, there's
not much you can do other than wait for
the robot to report back to you. This
may take as little time as fifteen minutes
or as long as seven years. It all depends
on how moody the robot is. If it happens
to stay inside the person for _more_ than
seven years, you should seek immediate help
and arrange some sort of formal counselling.
If the person wasn't suicidal before, they
probably will be by now.
� 8. Help? Counselling? But isn't
� counselling just a waste of time?
Largely, yes. Rectal Robots are often
difficult to reason with, as is most
anal-oriented sorts of machinery.
However, it's worth a shot.
� 9. Talk, talk, talk.
It's all just talk.
� How's that going to help?
It's not, but it will distract
you from suing us.
� 10. How do telephone
counselling services work?
The counsellor ties the patient to a
board and then beats about his abdomen
with a telephone until the robot becomes
too disoriented to wreak any further havoc.
� 11. What about me; am I at risk?
Signs that you may in fact be in a high
risk group:
1.) You've just bought a Rectal Robot,
2.) You have no pants on,
3.) You're in a position you're not
ordinarily used to being in,
4.) You're bracing yourself for
serious rectal pain,
5.) You're kind of an idiot.
� 12. How does suicide affect
friends and family members?
It depends on the situation. Maybe
they don't like you and will do a
little jig when you're gone. I have
absolutely no idea.
� 13. Hang on; isn't it
illegal though? Doesn't
that stop people?
Hell no. Like most illegal things,
such as drugs and under-age drinking,
it's generally considered quite cool
and rebellious to commit suicide in
many young social circles. Unfortunately,
natural selection seems to take care
of that trend and they all collect pogs
now.
� 14. But don't people have the right
� to kill themselves if they want to?
Yeah.
MH.
"GOOD THOUGHTS, GOOD WORDS, GOOD GOD I'M STONED."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
THE MAD HATTER FAN CLUB
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS, V5.0 --
The purpose of this web page
is to provide readers of The Fantastic Life and Suicide
a forum in which to have all their wildest and strangest
questions answered in a very impersonal and most likely
highly inaccurate fashion. All submissions of questions
are anonymous and as such I cannot respond to through
e-mail. If you would like a response, please direct e-mail
to me at
[email protected]
and be assured that it won't show up here.
1.Where does Brad come up with all his amazing ideas?
Certainly not God.
2.Where does Brad come up with his guns? I mean, they're
so big!
Those come from God.
3.Why is Mary so damn cool? Where does he get it from?
Surely not the author, for he is a loon.
Cool gene.
4.Who's he?
Shut the fuck up.
5.Is this thing on?
I think so. At least it appears to work. Hi.
6.The form doesn't work!
It worked last week. I'm not a moron! I swear! In
the meantime, just drop me e-mail with the questions
until I get some time to power up and kick some
SERIOUS HTML ASS!!
7.Will Mary Holiday come to my party and destroy my guests?
(I hate them, they threaten my shattered sanity.)
Sure! And for a few extra bucks he'll not only come to
and destroy your party, but he'll wreck your guests, murder
your furniture and replace your pets with lurid balloon
animals! Note: full refund does not include puppies and
kittens.
8.I have a dinosaur living in my head!
Please phrase your questions in the form of a question.
9.Ohio.
An interesting fact about Ohio is that it's this close
to being a palindrome.
10.I have a dinosaur living in my head?
Sometimes, but mostly I spend it on my winter ranch,
tending to cattle and trying to teach sheep how to see
those stupid Magic Eye things.
11.Will you come with me in the space shuttle?
Just try and stop me, baby! I wanna be the first to
eat a moon SNOW CONE!
12.Why is your web site being so goddamn slow?
The problem is this: I AM POOR. If you'd like to
contribute free speedy web space, leave me e-mail
and I'll gladly move somewhere more accessible and
friendly.
13.Is it true you've relinquished control of
alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk?
No. However, it is true that I am lazy. Not so lazy
that I cannot post, oh no, but so lazy I can't be
bothered to archive my posts anymore. And without
archiving them there really doesn't seem much point.
If someone wants to archive them for me, I'll gladly
start posting again. Until then, I must devote myself
to artforms which I can put on a web page and then
let fester for the world to see.
14.Now that you have my permission to come on the Space
Shuttle with me, what will your role be aboard?
I aspire to be in charge of snacks and maybe once
we colonize a few worlds, due to my vast knowledge
of human torture, any witch hunts that need to be
done.
15.My name is Fernando. I am a boy but feel that my name
is to effeminate. What should I do?
I understand and empathize with your pain. I too
once had an effeminate name and luckily fell into
this one which has rendered me synonymous with a
"small slender wire nail" and free from all aspersions
cast on my sexual identity. The plan I
have carefully constructed for you is one step and
one step alone: become a magician. Once you begin
introducing yourself to everyone as "The Great Fernando"
and sweeping into rooms majestically with a cape on,
there will be very little (if any)
debate over your gender. Sure, this method blatantly
reinforces the stereotype that women cannot be magicians
or, in fact great, but what are you going to do. If
after this you are still haunteed be the effeminacy of
your name, just go out and buy
yourself a really really really massive wand.
16.Are you the Antichrist?
I'm flattered by how often I'm asked this question.
The answer honestly depends on when you ask me, whether
I'm eating breakfast and if I have clothes on. Sitting
here in my home away from everything I have to admit
that I could never be the actual Antichrist, as that
really comes far too close to having an actual meaningful
function in society. Maybe I _would_ be the Antichrist
if I got off my ass, shaved and showered and went out
and caused some religious and moral unrest, but really,
cartoons are on in about twelve hours and I'd rather
lounge around in big pants and eat Oreos till I die
from icing poisioning.
17.I work in a computer room, this morning a person said
that I needed to put a crystal in the room because there
is two much radiation. Are crystal's evil and will they
suck me into the hideous vortex of nothingness?
I wish I could give you a blanket answer, but it really
depends on which sort of crystal you get. I suggest you
run out and purchase the "CRYSTAL BUYER'S GUIDE" and
perhaps if you're the unlucky sort, pick up "COPING WITH
HIDEOUS VORTEXES OF NOTHINGNESS" just in case. If you're
the really unlucky sort, I recommend getting a lot of
additional reading material because as the name "Hideous
Vortex of Nothingness" implies, there ain't much to do
there. How this is hideous I don't know, but I guess
it's a more exciting adjective than saying "Oh no, I've
been sucked into the BORING VORTEX OF NOTHINGNESS!!"
People would probably be much less sympathetic and every
time you complained, your mother would tell you that
if you're so bored why don't you spend some time cleaning
your vortex because God knows it could use it.
18.In our country, we have an MMP government. I want to
bring them toppling to their knees... Will MH help me?
Mary is rather indifferent to politics. However he is
not in any way indifferent to anything that's just
recently toppled to its knees. So the deal is that
if you knock the government down to its knees, Mary
will inevitably come along and kick them in the teeth
as hard as he possibly can. This applies to basically
everything.
19.Is it just me or are the episodes getting shorter as you go?
I had a really comprehensive answer to this but I
lost it, so instead you get this one: It's kind of
my self-gauging progress indicator. This way, if the
episodes get shorter and shorter every time I write
one, I'll know when the series is over because I'll
be finished the new episodes before I even start
them, thus eliminating the problem with deadlines.
20.do you still love me more than elvis, jesus, and jim Baker????
Well, let me put it this way: it's inconceivable
that I could love you any less than Elvis, Jesus
and Jim Baker. Is that enough?
I only have so much love these days, what with
the recession...
21.if so can i have all of your stuff -- especially yer
tongue???? And yer staples???
I LIVE TO GIVE!
22.i'm me?
I guess. I don't know. I don't think I'm the one
you should be asking, honestly. Sorry, man.
23.for friday is good, then i eat thursday
So come on over Saturday and we'll have a sundae!
24.Hail to thee creature of looniness and thunder!
Art thou touched?
Not right now, but with a little luck, maybe later on...
25.Is it acceptable to cause great damage and violence
to christians as they are going to heaven anyway?
Five years ago I would have cheered "YES!" and offered
to help. But now, later in my life, being much wiser
and considerably more afraid that people might respect
or, even worse, follow my opinion, I have to say that
I just don't care. I know just as many Satanists that
deserve to be targets of great damage and violence as
I do Christians. In fact, possibly more, but that's
not the point I'm trying to make here. The point is
that it's a waste of time to side with anything or
anyone. Instead, just try and blur the lines, be ambiguous
about your beliefs (which surprisingly upsets people
far more than it should), cause a lot of trouble, incite
a few wars, and sneak off to sleep somewhere safe.
Then by the time you roll out of bed the warring
factions will have wiped out each other and the only
people left in the whole entire world will be the
ones who were smart enough to do the same as you.
26.What is your artistic view on the music of Marilyn Manson?
It's pretty much the same as my civilian view on
the music of Marilyn Manson. I like it. I think
they have cool hair and nice clothes. Although I
have to say I'd rather be buried alive naked in a
box full of pissed-off scorpions than have to spend
thirty seconds in a room of full-on Marilyn Manson
fans. That's nothing I can hold against the band of
course, but I think it's worth pointing out.
27.I go forth yonder to fight large and flamey dragon
named destroyer of souls and smalle bunnies. Will ye
accompany me upon me quest?
Maybe, but probably not.
28.Me?
"Ladies and gentlemen! We're pleased to announce
that we have a special guest in our audience tonight!
Stand up, Jean-Paul! That's right! It's renowned
existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre! Take a bow! You're
looking good! How's the wife and kids? Meaningless,
you say? Good! Terrific! Jean-Paul Sartre, everyone!"
29.what happened to all of the cool faqs from the before web page?
They're still the same place they always were, at:
http://www.magi.com/~gray/maryland.htm
It still officially exists and isn't going anywhere
until I get an actual real web account with real live
disk space and stuff, at which point I'll build them
all back together again and possibly update them. More
likely than that, though, is the chance that I'll forget
I ever said anything like this.
30.What kind of snacks will you bring onto the space shuttle?
Messy things with lots of crumbs. Flaky pastries,
those powdery jelly donuts, and a little homebrew
taste sensation I like to call "STALE BREAD IN A
BAG, SMASHED."
31.You should consider having a much more substantial
breakfast. Cap'n Crunch won't cut it.
What are you trying it on? I've found it eats through
wood, cloth and stomach lining like warm butter, but
it tends to do a lousy job on most industrial plastics.
I suggest you contact The Quaker Oats Company at
1-800-267-6287 and demand more corrosives in your cereal
bowl. Tell them Brad sent you and don't let them pawn
Crunchberry samples off on you.
32.Would you like to play a game of chess Brad?It's a shame
about what happened to the shuttle crew.Maybe those snow
cones had some unforseen side effe cts.Perhaps you shouldn't
have added the Spam-HAL9
I'm no good at chess. What's the point of doing something
when I'm not great at it? As for the rest of your question,
I refuse to talk about an overexposed processed meat until
I'm more famous than it.
33.Is it bigger than a bread box?
Well, you know, I really don't like to brag, but uh...
34.going to post a picture of yourself, so all your admiring
fans can see, oh brad baby
There's really no need seeing as though I'm a perfectly
mixed Antonio Banderas, Desi Arnez and Bob Hope hybrid.
Conjure that image in your lusty little mind and there
you have me for your viewing pleasure. So a picture would
obviously be simply a waste of time and valuable resources.
35.Im' sure a nice game of chess would be very calming. Now
please tell us where you hid Linda,as a 132lb female can only
subsist on Spam for 17 days.. .We're running out of time!!!!!
HAL9000
You're getting warmer.
36.avec un faux arignee plastique?
Quisiera mas perchas, por favor
37.How have you been feeling lately?
I am as happy as I am familiar with being.
38.Is it true that Neil Gaiman likes the Fantastic Life and
Suicide of Mister Mary Holiday?
Isn't it more fun to just believe in things rather than
getting me to confirm them? Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny,
Neil Gaiman liking my writing, Tom Snyder thinking I'm smart,
etc, etc! Reality is irrelevent. Believe whatever you like!
My gift is freedom!
39.is there anything good on the www??
No. There is nothing.
40.did christmas ruin your evil little mood?
Nope. In fact, it actually enhanced it! I was ticketed
for allegedly failing to come to a complete stop at -
you guessed it - a stop sign at 11:00 the other night.
Just thought I'd throw that in. Oh, and the ticket was
for a hundred and five dollars.
41.is submitting a question really THAT easy? sorry, just checkin'
I forgive you.
42.do you love me brad?mary? i'm so lonly,i would cry if i
cold...HAL9 000
There's enough junk in me for all of you. Some of it might
be love. I don't know.
43.Has anyone ever mistaken you for a Ramone?
Not since I cut my hair
last month, though someone
mistook me for an HMV clerk
that might be able to help
them with locating a third
Beatles anthology. I'm not
sure if this is an improvement
or not.
44.How did you celebrate christmas?
Poorly. I ate a lot of chocolate covered cherries and was cold.
45.It seems that many of the people
who live in Canada are Canadian.
Your thoughts?
I think God could probably clean up on
merchandising if he'd just put a bit more
effort into it.
46.I believe I am having an identity crisis...
What should I do?
I really don't think I'm the person to answer that
unless you feel the advice: ROLL WITH IT, BABY, is
particularly helpful.
47.i CAN'T GO on!!!!!!???????
Then don't. I don't recommend going on if
you really can't. I mean, it just makes sense.
48.How big is a thought? Have you ever tried to kill a phone book?
I need clarification on the thought before
I can answer. And trying to kill a phone
book implies that I wasn't successful, so
no.
49.Brad?
Fonzie?
50.The only exception for you is that no dog ever died of SPAM-juice drowning
before!!!Really Brad,ALL I WANT IS A PLEASANT GAME OF CHESS.dON'T MAKE ME
START STALKING YOU. Love,theHAL9000
I can't play chess. I've tried. I really have.
I even played that Battle Chess game a couple
times, but I found myself enjoying being the
target of chess-related violence too much.
51.how often does
the thousand island
tour boat visit the
u.s.? and do they
serve cake?
They do serve cake. As for how often, I don't know. But if you go
on the Gananoque boat tour there's a Haunted House there that
really, really sucks.
52.Will my rear ever stop growing?
No.
53.Is the rumor true that you are going to write for
the famous magazine "Diversity"?
Yes, but only nature pieces.
54.Some people say Neil Gaiman likes your work. Some say Neil
Gaiman hates your work. I say Neil Gaiman doesn't even know who
the fuck you are, and would probably shoot you in the back of
the head (a la the end of _1984_) if he ever found out.
That kind of fits under the "hate" category, don't
you think? And personally, I'd be pretty disappointed
if he did that. Maybe I've come to expect too much from
the man, but I'm pretty sure he'd do something really
obscure and neat to me. I mean, your example isn't even
a very clever reference. His would be interesting in a
way that when he told people how he killed me, they'd
chuckle and go on about how witty a murder it was.
55.Brad,I'm not
kidding this time
will you be my
friend?If you
refuse, I'll hav
no other option
but to hunt you
dwn and kill you
like the dog you
are!
You don't have to beg, Neil Gaiman. You know better than
anyone that you can already count me among the many celebrities
and colleagues that are your trusted, most valued friends,
Neil Gaiman. So long and thanks again for the Valentine's Day
card, Neil Gaiman.
56.Just how many questions have been submitted via this process of yours?
I don't know. I've forgotten how to read numbered lists,
could you help me? No, wait, you're no good...
57.How did you manage to get ANOTHER web page, when you have supposedly
limited resources? Write back to the last message I sent you, or I will be
forced to send another.
Like all my prior web space, I stole this one. Yes,
that's right: pure, unadulterated thievery.
58.Brad, What is an algebraic expression of a primitive 17th root of unity?
Do your own damn homework. I'm an artist.
59.i've been 5 for 11 years - is
there anything you can recommend
to rememdy the situation??????
I recommend going on a talk show and having each member of
the audience stand up and say, "Why don't you, uh, stop it?"
and see if that helps.
60.In the spirit of episode 9's title, shouldn't the submission
date be 1997 instead of 1996?
I'd appreciate it if in the future you
would all please stop forcing your
realities on me. Thank you.
Translation: You're right, thank you.
61.Do you realize your name (last one that is) is very
similar to terra cotta, are you made of clay?
Well, let's just say I have clay in me and leave it at that.
62.Are easy-to-swallow liquid capsules really that easy to swallow?
No, and they're not liquid either so,
really, I don't know what the hell's
going on.
63.Where's the new episode, slacker? If you're
gonna live up to being the anti-christ, you have
to at least develop a vague punctuality. Otherwise,
I'm just gonna have to bring armageddon myself....
-ZenBoy
You know, for a Buddhist, you're not very patient. And an
Antichrist that follows rules. What an interesting idea!
64.When are you going to update the fucking page BRAD
When enough people e-mail me mean questions, of course.
I mean, nothing puts the spring in my step quite like a
bunch of harrassing e-mail. Mmmm... just thinking about
it gets my heart a-thumpin' and my juices a-flowin'.
65.I saw some of the artwork you are contemplating for Maryland on
AAV3F the other day. You like? Will you be updating your page to include it?
I have it all saved onto my hard drive along
with a bunch of other funky artwork people
have sent me. I'm trying to figure out
where I should put it all without
it just looking stupid like on
most people's pages: "HI!
HERE'S A FUCKING HUGE
GRAPHIC FOR YOU!
HOPE YOU HAVE
SOMETHING
ELSE TO
DO
FOR A WHILE!"
66.How often does this page get update? WELL!!!
It's a very complex system. I spend the time in between updates
of this web page on the floor of my solarium doing the shifty
yet extensive math and astrological calculations which eventually
after months and months of tireless thought and deduction
indicate when the time would be right. If I miss it I have to
re-calibrate my instruments and perform the calculations again,
waiting for the next opening to appear. If I miss that one, I'm
banned to what you would laughingly call 'Hell' for a period of
six to eight seconds which is approximately equal to ten years
pinned under a gallon of angry red ants.
67.Brad!Good news I'm back.andi noticed that you bungled my message:faq #50
should follow #55. but anyway, since you don't like chess,would you like to
try your hand(s) at 3-d TIC TAC TOE?(3x3x3)I'll wager a case of Spam!
Thank you, but I'm already receiving way more than my fair share.
68.I can't find it, have you got it? You know that thing that I had and now I
don't have anymore?
A noun? No...
69.Isn't geocities a mess, what a pile of
fucking crap, all these hideous monkey's
scattered everywhere. I've got a good mind
to blow the whole fucking lot away, unless
someone brings me the head of Barney, you
don't have it by any chance do you?
If I did, I definitely wouldn't give it to anyone I thought
might do something mean to it.
70.Submit?
KNEEL!
71.And just who does Bill Gates think he is anyway, the raving fucking
loony. I've got a good mind to remove his spine and watch him wobble
around a bit...
Good luck!
72.When will the hurting stop??!!!?!? And can I borrow five dollars?
The hurting will definitely lessen as soon as you stop asking me.
73.But seriously now: given the social ramifications of the topics
disc ussed in The Fantastic Life, do you ever think you might be sending
dozens and d ozens of innocent, impressionable young teens to their dooms,
believing they wil l awake as...-Big Drumroll- Mad Hatters? (Love, MHM 11x1.)
I suppose that's a possibility, but I it could be taken
another way: that Mary Holiday sought to escape his horrible
life, but the seemingly perfect solution of suicide only
brought him more anguish and less privacy. You think? Is
it anti-suicide or pro-hopelessness?
74.Given the social ramifications of the
topics discussed in The Fantas tic Life,
don't you think it would be prudent to
include little packets of peanu ts and
drinks aboard the flight?
I completely agree. You're all ordered to go out and get drinks
and little packets of peanuts and I don't care WHOSE ass you
have to kick!
75.i'll give you $54.73 if you'll let
me suck on your penis 'till it
squirts.Deal?-Patty
Ah, I see the new catalogs got there safely. Fill out the
form like everyone else, baby.
76.Excuse me: Who signed my MHM to a
stupid question? Fuckheads. I love you,
Brad, and do wish you'd return my phone
calls...(sic) Jo aka MHM 11x1.
I think I misplaced your
number. You must have
realized I'd have to
clean that mirror some
day.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
88888888888 888
888 888
888 888
888 88888b. .d88b.
888 888 "88b d8P Y8b
888 888 888 88888888
888 888 888 Y8b. .
888b788 d88888 888 "Y88P888 888
8888b d8888 d8b 888 888
88888b.d88888 ^Y^ 888 888
888Y88888P888 888 .d88b. 88888b. 888888 888 888
888 Y888P 888 888 d88P"88b 888 "88b 888 888 888
888 Y8P 888 888 888 888 888 888 888 888 888
888 " 888 888 Y88b 888 888 888 Y88b. Y88b 888
888 888 888 "Y88888 888 888 "Y888 "Y88888
888888b. 888 888
888 "88b Y8b d88P Y8b d88P
888 .88P "888^888 "Y88P"
8888888K. 8888b. 888 888 .d88b. .d88b.
888 "Y88b "88b 888 888 d88""88b d88""88b
888 888 .d888888 888 888 888 888 888 888
888 d88P 888 888 888 888 Y88..88P Y88..88P
8888888P" "Y888888 888 888 "Y88P" "Y88P"
benjamin d. capoeman mhm15x1
http://members.home.com/thatdarnbear/
--
