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title: Success is a Trap
date: 2024-01-03 07:46:00
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What does it mean to be "successful?"
I've been asking myself that question a lot lately.
By societal standards, I think most people would say that I am
"successful." I have had a career trajectory that has always
trended towards financial and reputational growth—and the golden
handcuffs to prove it—but as I approach middle-age, I'm starting to
feel like I've been striving to achieve somebody else's definition
of success rather than figuring out *my own* definition.
When I look at the aspects of my life that aren't my job or my
salary, I feel a lot *less* successful.
I'm increasingly out of shape, end every work day stressed and
anxious, and am too tired and overwhelmed to engage in many of the
hobbies I used to love—just forcing myself to sit down and write
for my own enjoyment has felt like a Herculean task at times, never
mind finding the energy to do something physical like go swimming.
Don't get me wrong, I have a happy and healthy family that I love
*dearly*, but lately it's felt like I'm wasting the best years of
my life—and my kids' lives—taking video calls at a desk instead of
*living*.
Like many people, I have used my professional growth as a yardstick
for measuring my own worth. If I'm not getting the promotion or
raise, then *what is it all for?*
But "success," as it's been peddled to us, is a fucking trap.
Turns out, the point of work is to live, not the other way around,
and how can I *honestly* say I've been living if I've been working
myself into a bundle of anxious nerves, weight gain, back pain, and
sleep problems?
I've gotten to where I am because *I've always gone
above-and-beyond*. A problem I am sure is common to most childhood
overachievers, my need to please has set me up for a never-ending
cycle of burnout and exhaustion working for companies that couldn't
care less about me.
I've struck a bad bargain, and I'm starting to have trouble seeing
the exit hatch; but that's kind of the point of the golden
handcuffs, though, isn't it? If I didn't have a critical financial
dependence on the job I have *right now*, then I wouldn't feel so
compelled to continue running in the rat race.
The thing is, this doesn't seem to be an uncommon place for many
professionals to be. I feel like I keep having this conversation on
repeat with other people in my position, and the end-result is
generally one of two paths:
1. You suck it up, focus on the work, and wind up miserable in a
well-paying upper-management role someday.
2. You bail out and intentionally limit your career growth,
focusing instead on family, friends, and self.
A decade ago, this dilemma would have seemed painfully foreign to
me, but now I'm starting to understand the 60-year-old senior
developer who is perfectly content with their balanced and
low-stress professional life, despite having the talent and
intelligence to actually *run* the department.
I've attached my self-worth to my job title and my income, but I
can't do that anymore. I'd rather do good for less money, and have
more time for the things and people that I love. The challenge for
me now isn't to find a way to reach that next promotion or raise,
but to find a way to become the teacher or writer I've always
wanted to be while still providing for my family.
