Dealing with death
I've reached an age where I've experienced the deaths of multiple people, both
those much older than myself, and those of my own age and younger, people that I
knew, some that I was closer to than others. One thing I find curious is how I
deal with that, very consistently, I'm not having strong feelings about it,
execpt for feeling sad for those who are left and who are affected by it.
But somewhere deep down I seem to deal with it in my own way, and that is when
I dream, consistently, I will have a single dream about the dead person, maybe
days or weeks after, but it will be a vivid dream, and I will understand to a
high degree that it is a dream, while I dream it. In this dream, I will randomly
run into the person, in a younger, and healthy version of themselves, and I will
always be surprised they're alive, because I was sure they were dead. They will
tell me that they are not really dead, and feel happy about that. That's about
it, I will wake up, understanding that they are really dead, and even if I've
felt no sadness, I will feel better, having had that last, imagined experience
of them, and somehow, even if I felt there was no void, no lack of closure, I
will feel, after that dream, that there was closure, that I've said goodbye.
I write this only because I woke up with one such dream, and it has been many
months since he died, we had not talked for many years, it was a former
classmate, and, a long time ago, a friend, sort of.
It's 22:50
Today was good, I felt fairly productive at work, designed something that has
a touch of elegance to it. Not anything special, but still, it fit well......
Now I'm lost. I'm full of energy and completely drained of desire to do
anything at all, so I just sit here and write. Somehow it feels like creating
something if it is not, if it is only reflection. I've though about doing a
boilerplate engine for use in the next ludum dare, oh shit.. that's today!
I dind't realize it until now.. Maybe I should jump at it.. There's 5 hours
until start, and I've forgotten my FinalKey (first time ever) and discovered
how thoroughly fucked one is without it! Well, I can just reset my password I
think.. I guess I'm going to do it.. At least see what the theme is going to
be.. If it's something fun, I might throw together something stupid..
I won't be up until it starts, that's too late, I'll check back tomorrow, but
maybe I should implement a sprite class, oh, I have one, it's a ball..
Fuck it, everything is a ball. My game will have only balls! That takes balls!!
Something like that I guess..
Infected Mushroom
I've been a fan for quite some years. At least 16 years, more I think.
Thought I'd list some of my favourite tracks, I'm sure I'll forget some
but still, here are some of them, in the order I remember them, nothing else.
Saeed
Dancing with Kadafi
Pink Nightmares
Vicious Delicious
Deeply Disturbed
I Wish
Artillery
Psycho
Suliman
I'm the Supervisor
Muse Breaks
Becoming Insane
Cities of the Future
Frog Machine
The Messenger (with Dj Jörg)
Merlin
None of this is Real
Again, I'm a fan, so I'm sure I've forgotten another favorite, but these are
definitely among them :)
