A street in Berlin. A winter morning and the sun is shining. Kitsch and Kutsch
saunter down the street slowly. They both wear woolen scarves, dark pea coats
and Bromberg hats. Kitsch has a waxed moustache and Kutsch has a full beard
that comes to a slight point at the bottom.
Enter Kitsch from stage right and Kutsch from stage left. They meet stage
centre.
Kitsch: Ah! Kutsch! Good morning! Isn't it a fabulous day!
Kutsch: Yes, quite fabulous if I do say so myself Kitsch.
Kitsch: Do you have time for a promenade? The street does look so fabulous.
Kutsch: Of course, I do! Lead on Kitsch! [they saunter side by side toward
stage right] Fabulous, this light in the street.
Kitsch: Fabulous...
Enter Plump Woman from stage right crossing toward stage left.
Kitsch: I do say Kutsch she is fabulous!
Kutsch: Fabulous my dear Kitsch! [Doff his hat to her as she passes them]
They keep walking. A streetcar approaches.
Kutsch: Why don't we take the "electric?" It does seem like such a fabulous day
to do so!
Kitsch: Yes let's, it really is such a fabulous way to travel.
They board the streetcar and find seats side-by-side. The Girl with the
Fabulous Eyes is already sitting there within view.
Kutsch: Ah! [as he sits down] There we go! Feels so fabulous after such a
vigorous walk. [Scratching at beard]
Kitsch: Oh yes, most definitely fabulous.
Kutsch: The electric really is so utterly fabulous isn't it. [Glances out the
window]
Kitsch: Most emphatically fabulous my dear -- [Spots Girl and leans over to
whisper in Kutsch's ear] Does she not have the most fabulous eyes you have ever
seen?!
Kutsch: What? Who's fabulous?!
Kitsch: [shushes Kutsch and whispers] Her! Her eyes are fabulous!
Kutsch: Ahaaaaaa, yes most fabulous indeed!
Beat. Rain slowly starts falling. The sound of drops gains in speed on the
streetcar roof.
Kitsch: This rain really is so fabulous isn't it.
Kutsch: Yes, fabulous indeed!
Three stops have passed. They get off at the fourth and saunter into the art
salon.
Dealer: Good morning sirs!
Kitsch: Good Morning! And isn't it such a fabulous morning?
Kutsch: [muttering] Yes most fabulous indeed, fabulous...
Dealer: [Turning to look out the window of the shop] Feel free to take a look
around you two, got some new stuff in from Paris this week.
They are both about to say something but think the better of it for the moment.
Isn't it so silly to always be saying the same word? They walk up to the first
painting, look at each other, begin to speak, then stop. They just nod their
heads vigorously and point. Same with the second painting. The third is a
Renoir.
[Together, but not at exactly the same time]
Kitsch: By Jove! Simply fabulous!
Kutsch: Good Lord! It's fabulous!
Kutsch scrabbles at his beard anxiously. Kitsch, however, has spotted a Dutch
Masters painting that is ten times more fabulous and runs over to it, dragging
Kutsch by the sleeve.
Kitsch: Look here Kutsch! It's even more fabulous than the Renoir! Look at
those fabulous brush strokes and the fabulous creamy white paint! Fabulous!
Kutsch: [shouting] Yes, absolutely fabulous!
Kitsch: [claps hands and rubs them together] So, shall we go then? This really
was fabulous but....
Kutsch: Yes, you're right. Fabulous, but we should really be off.
They both go towards the door, tip their hats to the Dealer who grunts in
assent. They leave. Outside the snow is fabulous (damn it! Now I'm doing it
too!). Its all blue and black.
Kitsch: Look! The snow is so fab -- [contains himself]
Kutsch: [nods vigorously in agreement. It is obvious that he's trying to hold
in an exclamation]
They return to walking. A painter approaches from stage right.
Painter: Good morning my dear Kitsch and Kutsch! Fancy seeing you here! I
thought you were both in Paris that most fabulous city! I was just there last
year and the lights! The noise! The art! All the most fabulous thing I've ever
seen!
Kitsch and Kutsch mimes a response to the question, humming out the words that
would be used to respond. They really can't deal with all this calling Paris
fabulous and all.
Painter: Oh, you don't like Paris? I thought...
Kitsch and Kutsch hum. The painter is confused.
Painter: Oh, I see. [hurt] I really must be going... I have a meeting with my
nose-hair trimmer in, let me see [checks pocket-watch]... tomorrow. Cheerio!
Kitsch and Kutsch put on fake smiles and wave. They exhale in relief after the
painter leaves. The keep walking and approach a pond over which is a small,
white, wooden bridge. A thoroughly fabulous picturesque environment.
Kutsch: [leaning over the pond] What a fabulous little pond this is Kitsch.
Kitsch: Yes, it reminds me... there's a fabulous poem by Verliane --
Kutsch: [claps hands] Fabulous!
Kutsch is half listening and looking around in thought. How will they ever stop
saying fabulous!?
Kitsch: I think it goes like this.... [clears throat]
"Here on the pale cold grass of exile, lost
Among pine and yew-trees silvered by frost,
Or wandering, like those forms that still command
Our dreams, through the vile Scythian land,
While all around, shepherds of fabulous flocks,
Pale blue-eyed Bar -- "
As he recites, Girl in Blue Skirt approaches from stage right. Kitsch is taken
aback and falls, bracing himself against the railing of the bridge at the sight
of that blue! She keeps walking and exits stage left.
Kitsch: By Jove and all the various other gods and their little minions! That
blue is.... Is [thinks a bit]..... magnificent!!
Kutsch: Good Lord! It really is such a magnificent blue!
Kitsch gets up with some effort.
Kitsch: Damn, it seems like I've twisted my ankle a bit. Here, be magnificent
and give me your elbow.
Kutsch proffers his elbow and they walk slowly stage right.
Kutsch: What a way to ruin such a magnificent day...
