# Ask Jone
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A. asks: "I am trying to reduce high FODMAP foods in my diet, to treat irritable
bowel symptoms. Do you have any baking tips?"
Well A, you know Tooty moved into my place the last month, at least for a while
I guess. His wife said he had to go, because his energy matrix was blocking
ingress and egress of her chackra flow. Or something like that. We didn't
neither of us understand it.
I'd let Tooty have the other bedroom of my place, but it got kind of wrecked up
last month when Del's lab in there blew up while they went out for a taco. For
gosh sake's turn of your Bunsen burners next time, okay? It totally sucks,
because I was going to get a cut of whatever Del took in from that batch, but
whatever, no risks no rewards, right?
Anyways, I got Tooty sleeping on a cot in my bedroom, and I got to say: now I
know why they call him Tooty. The smell is such that I can't hardly sleep, so
I'm like, Tooty, dude, you got to see a doctor. Whatever's going on down in
there, that ain't right, okay? And he's like, doctor, what doctor. And I'm
like, yeah I know someone.
Because Lucy's girlfriend, she's not exactly a doctor, but I think she did like
half a year of naturopathic school before she got knocked up. And that's
basically doctor stuff from what I know at least. Plus, she has a diploma in
small engine repair, which is probably also pretty hard. She's got skills and
training, is what I'm saying. I'll be damned if I can fix Ric's busted mower,
that thing is screwed. But I bet Lily could do it. She's a healer. Even of
engines, small ones at least, but anyways.
So Tooty and I, we go in to visit her, and Tooty tells her about his little
flatulation problem, and Lily's all like, you got to cut out all the gluten for
starters. And we're both like, what the hell is that. And she's like, it's
wheat flour. And Tooty nearly starts to cry, because he sure loves his
pancakes. I'd know. I make them for him, because he can't cook for himself
worth two turds. I'm like patting him on the back, saying it's going to be all
right buddy, we'll figure something out.
Well, I pick up this bag of oat flour from Save-Mor, which says "non gluten",
and it's only slightly expired, so that's pretty great. Problem is, pancakes
made of it turn out so crumbly, and Tooty's pretty grumpy about that. Some
know-it-all told me to add some Romulan Gum. Or Xanthan Gum, or something.
Yeah right. Save-Mor can't even get an avocado on the shelf, let alone gum from
another galaxy or whatever. But they do have Arctic Chill Blastmint gum, which
sounds pretty kick ass. So I get some that instead.
But that's when I have a revelation: gluten makes things like pancakes stick
together, instead of being crumbly. But we can't use it. So, we'll use the
next best thing for sticking stuff together: Glue! It makes so much sense.
After all, "glue" is the root word of "gluten". Which I know because I'm into
writing, right? And I got a whole box full of that white glue back from that
time when I was a grade-1 teacher out in Burloo for a bit. It's non toxic, it's
got to be. Some of those kids would guzzle that stuff like whiskey, and they
were totally fine. Well, some of them were a tick slow, but that's unrelated.
Probably.
Anyways, in my next batch of pancakes I make sure to add a generous 1/3 cup of
the white stuff into that batter. And that sure made some good stuck-in
pancakes. I was patting myself on the back for my resourcefulness. And Tooty
thought the Arctic Chill Blastmint gum sticks I chopped up and mixed in there
were a nice touch too. Interesting texture.
Unfortunately, later that afternoon, when Tooty starts puking up all that blood,
we get to take an ambulance ride in to Braxon General so he could go get cleaned
out. And of course we are very grateful for their service. But I wish those
surgeons wouldn't be so goddamned condescending when they try to educate us on
how eating common household products is risky. Okay, now I see that I had mixed
in some bottles of carpenter and construction glue with the box of school glue
at some point. That stuff's not so harmless. I guess things got a little
jumbled up back when I was helping Del set up that lab at my place. But what
I'm saying, is that accidentally eating toxic compounds is a very human mistake.
Those doctors don't need to get all shaming on us like that. But whatever.
Well, Tooty's going to have to take it easy for a while. And he's basically on
just applesauce and bananas for a few more months, and he's pretty miserable
about that. And I got a whopper of a hospital bill to pay now. But it's okay,
because Del still owes me for wrecking that bedroom. And they got a new cook
lab in the works, in a garden shed on a corner of my dad's property. If I pitch
in on that, we're bound to make some good dough this time. No pun intended.
Anyways A, to answer your question about low-FODMAP baking: my advice to you is
to never use glue as a binder in your non-wheat recipes. Instead, get that
Romulan gum. If you can find it.
Thanks for writing in, A. I hope that helps.
