Stealing some precious sleeping hours, to spend a
little time alone, in the silence of my room. The only
noise coming from my keyboard, and I'm not using the
mechanical one.
In the last 10 weeks have been good and bad, but it is
a pure objective fact that since the end of July my
free time has been completely dissipated, I've got no
time for my projects, and the only time I get to spend
in creativity is what my day job offers me.
My day job on the other hand is not that exciting
anymore. Not horrible. Just not exciting. If
anything I was able to come back after my little escape
without great consequences. I've come to re-evaluate
my job in the meanwhile. Now I can happily face the
downsides of the technology, and even certain stiff
passive-aggressive idiots, and their shitty attitude.
But still, it would be nice to work on something I
actually like. Which is obviously a contradiction of
terms, since most of the jobs these days are about
shitty online services on the cloud.
And then, let's face it: if it is a job, it starts
being driven by the need for money, which implicitly
says you're not going to make it out of creativity and
passion. Deadlines will drive your pace. Promises to
customers will drive your deadlines. And someone will
think themselves as geniuses and request for
ridiculously unspecified software.
After my 8 hours of work, quarreling with
$BloatFramework in $FormerlyGoodLanguage, here I am: my
time is 100% absorbed. There can't be time for myself:
I would feel incredibly guilty for it, as it would be
simply unfair to egoistically take some. My freedom
begins where others' freedom ends.
So here I am: it is late, everyone sleeps. The only
noise is my fingers on the mushy keyboard of a laptop,
as my mech would probably wake everyone up. My
creativity is already dissipated, so I don't even try
to get some code done.
And while I appreciate some time alone, I feel
incredibly alone. I miss the touches, kisses and the
caresses of good past days: a river which is dry since
long seasons. I miss my good friends, the only ones
which is worth speaking and joking with. I miss the
various mentors that I left behind, and the enthusiasm
that I still hope to be able to recover, one day.
