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Stardate: 20220703.1507 | |
Location: SBUX | |
Input Device: Gemini PDA | |
Audio: Mortiis - Crypt of the Wizard | |
Visual: Table @ SBUX, Trenta Iced Coffee | |
Emotional: Energized, +3 coffee booster | |
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Went up to SBUX to get out of the house even though nobody is home. | |
If I stayed there, I probably would not have given myself time to | |
write. So I set a timer for 60 minutes before I can leave. | |
Now that I've done that, I can't think of much to write about, so if | |
this becomes garbage, you have been warned. | |
Right now, I feel so out of touch with everything that has been | |
going on in the world, in the communities I frequent, with my | |
friends, with my family. This has been probably over the past month | |
or so. There is a built-in safety mechanism that gets tripped when | |
I become unwell and have exceeded my limitations to cope. I put | |
myself in the dark, shields up, red alert! I know it is a safe | |
place, but I do not like to go there. It has been years since I had | |
to go there and it feels wretched being there, but I know it is safe. | |
Being there, life happens, the world moves on, but processing is | |
suspended. I am totally checked out, in survival mode, and it is not | |
safe to process. Events are noted for post-incident analysis. | |
Recently, I have started to come out of the dark. Re-entry is a | |
b!tch and the wreckage is there to be dealt with. This instance was | |
shorter but different in its own way, probably because the me of now | |
is not the me of 5 years ago. This is a cyclical thing that happens | |
every 5 to 7 years and I have gone through it enough times to see the | |
dark, accept it, and even to welcome it. With each iteration, there | |
are things revealed, feelings to walk through, and opportunities to | |
level up. The ghosts are there but I know that they are false and | |
are handled appropriately. This round, there was nothing to do except | |
to acknowledge and experience them. Processing is pending. | |
What I don't like about going in the dark are the misunderstandings. | |
Explaining myself is futile. It's like trying to describe the color | |
green to a blind person. Also, life is still in session, work needs | |
to be attended, children need to be fed, adulting needs to happen, | |
service needs to be worked, etc. I do have my people to discuss the | |
color green. | |
I have surpassed my time allocation. | |
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