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	Stardate: 20210604.1021
	Location: SBUX
	Input Device: Gemini PDA
	Audio: Some poppy 80's song over the speakers
	Visual: vim in termux
	Emotional State: Energized

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	I Just finished walking and then practicing guitar in a park near
	Chinatown. I have been getting more comfortable with practicing my
	guitar in public. During the past few years I have been making
	attempts at playing instruments in public. Not in front of an
	audience really, more just playing around people in public, like in
	the park or in my car when parked in public...where I can be seen and
	heard with all of my mistakes and everything. I used to be super
	scared of public speaking and public performance and I think these
	practices in public have been very instrumental (ha!) in walking
	through this fear. One of the contributing factors (maybe even the
	catalyst?) to this fear was piano recitals.

	During my childhood, I took piano lessons. I enjoyed the piano,
	pressing the keys and hearing the sounds. The teachers tried to
	teach me how to read music but it didn't take. Even now I still
	have not learned (maybe that is another thing I need to work
	through.) If I knew how the song sounded, I would be able to
	figure out what keys to press. I would have my teacher play the
	songs for me before I tried to learn it. Eventually, I would learn
	the song and play it from my memory of what it sounds like, not from
	notes or anything. Until now, I learn music that way. Yeah, it is
	cumbersome and inefficient, with lotsa trial and error, but that's
	what has worked for me so far. Perhaps I should go back and try
	the other way sometime.

	Anyhow, every year there would be a piano recital. Each one
	manifested much anxiety in the months prior to the recital. Even
	though I knew the pieces that I would play, I knew where I would
	screw it up. So I would play the pieces with the error...as planned.
	Self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone? I was not consciously
	self-sabatoging, but I do see that now in hindsight. It probably
	has to do with my defiance as well, but that is a topic for another
	rumination. I only had to endure 2 piano recitals until I gave up
	lessons and learned on my own.

	So fast-forward to recent times, I have been practicing guitar in
	public to help me walk through this fear. I think I've been doing
	this now for 3 or 4 years and have become just ok with playing in
	public. There are times when it still freaks me out, but those
	incidents are becoming less frequent.

	As a side effect, my confidence in public speaking has improved
	considerably as well. I don't shake and my voice does not tremble
	as much, if at all.

	Perhaps some day, I will get to the point of busking or even
	deliberately playing in public, but at this point in time, I have
	no desire to do so. I guess I just want to see where overcoming
	this fear will take me.

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