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Stardate: 20210604.1021 | |
Location: SBUX | |
Input Device: Gemini PDA | |
Audio: Some poppy 80's song over the speakers | |
Visual: vim in termux | |
Emotional State: Energized | |
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I Just finished walking and then practicing guitar in a park near | |
Chinatown. I have been getting more comfortable with practicing my | |
guitar in public. During the past few years I have been making | |
attempts at playing instruments in public. Not in front of an | |
audience really, more just playing around people in public, like in | |
the park or in my car when parked in public...where I can be seen and | |
heard with all of my mistakes and everything. I used to be super | |
scared of public speaking and public performance and I think these | |
practices in public have been very instrumental (ha!) in walking | |
through this fear. One of the contributing factors (maybe even the | |
catalyst?) to this fear was piano recitals. | |
During my childhood, I took piano lessons. I enjoyed the piano, | |
pressing the keys and hearing the sounds. The teachers tried to | |
teach me how to read music but it didn't take. Even now I still | |
have not learned (maybe that is another thing I need to work | |
through.) If I knew how the song sounded, I would be able to | |
figure out what keys to press. I would have my teacher play the | |
songs for me before I tried to learn it. Eventually, I would learn | |
the song and play it from my memory of what it sounds like, not from | |
notes or anything. Until now, I learn music that way. Yeah, it is | |
cumbersome and inefficient, with lotsa trial and error, but that's | |
what has worked for me so far. Perhaps I should go back and try | |
the other way sometime. | |
Anyhow, every year there would be a piano recital. Each one | |
manifested much anxiety in the months prior to the recital. Even | |
though I knew the pieces that I would play, I knew where I would | |
screw it up. So I would play the pieces with the error...as planned. | |
Self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone? I was not consciously | |
self-sabatoging, but I do see that now in hindsight. It probably | |
has to do with my defiance as well, but that is a topic for another | |
rumination. I only had to endure 2 piano recitals until I gave up | |
lessons and learned on my own. | |
So fast-forward to recent times, I have been practicing guitar in | |
public to help me walk through this fear. I think I've been doing | |
this now for 3 or 4 years and have become just ok with playing in | |
public. There are times when it still freaks me out, but those | |
incidents are becoming less frequent. | |
As a side effect, my confidence in public speaking has improved | |
considerably as well. I don't shake and my voice does not tremble | |
as much, if at all. | |
Perhaps some day, I will get to the point of busking or even | |
deliberately playing in public, but at this point in time, I have | |
no desire to do so. I guess I just want to see where overcoming | |
this fear will take me. | |
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