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Stardate: 20191203.1227 | |
Location: SBUX | |
Input Device: AlphaSmart dana.wireless | |
Software: AlphaWord | |
Audio: SBUX Muzak | |
Visual: Oatmeal, SBUX coffee drinkers, cars | |
Emotional State: numb, low-grade depression | |
***WARNING: Long, deep dive entry*** | |
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I woke up about an hour ago. I think I have been going | |
through some low-grade depression. I think it has been going | |
on for awhile now; I just haven't allowed myself to slow down | |
and let it fully manifest. | |
The past month or so, I have just been going and going. | |
Attending to work matters, attending to family matters, | |
attending to stuff...just not really taking care of myself | |
physically as well as emotionally. My diet is crap, my sleep | |
is minimal, my exercise, heh, what is this exercise you speak | |
of? So yeah, I have not been taking good care of myself. | |
So this past long weekend with all of the Thanksgiving stuff | |
and cold weather going on, I basically had a system crash. | |
Oh, I also had my son's soccer tournament to attend to on | |
Sunday, which had me out in the elements and did not help. | |
Sunday night, I'm coughing and congested. No restful sleep | |
Monday, I'm totally useless and stay in bed for most of the | |
day. I call in sick. Monday night, same thing. Not much | |
restful sleep. I stay in bed for Tuesday morning. Now I'm | |
at SBUX writing. | |
I think this past couple days of rest and downtime has been | |
good. I think that it was inevitable with the trajectory | |
that I have been going. It is not good for me to try to keep | |
going like I have been without taking proper care of myself. | |
It is just not sustainable. | |
Along with all of this there is the whole emotional factor | |
that gets messed up. I stop feeling, I go numb, and I just | |
keep going like some cyborg automaton. Then I crash and I | |
need to go in for repairs and the cycle repeats. Lather, | |
rinse, repeat. The thing about going in for repairs is | |
that physically, I get better. Mentally, yeah a bit better. | |
Emotionally... | |
I think I jump back into the game too soon without attending | |
to my emotional state. It is easy for me to overlook. I use | |
my responsibilities to steamroll over any emotional incidents | |
that happen to manifest and need to be processed. Whether it | |
be work, my wife, my kids, my family obligations, my | |
projects...I will find some kind of excuse not to look at | |
my emotional state. This backfires too because I start seeing the | |
neglect of my emotions trickle in to other parts of my life, | |
like my responsibilities or how I (mis)treat people. | |
I think that one of the reasons I don't want to deal with the | |
emotions is that it slows me down...or so I think. Like, I'm | |
trying to do all this stuff and just try to keep up with my | |
responsibilities...I don't have time to break down, look at | |
all the pieces, debug, and recompile. So I keep operating | |
with buggy code. In the short term, I can get by, but in the | |
long term, I end up with system crashes like this one. | |
One of the warning signs for me that things were not so good | |
was my online time and playing video games. Being online and | |
video games has been a really good escape for me in the past. | |
BBS's and video games were a big part of my survival in | |
adolescense. I cannot afford to be living in that world for | |
too long in my adult life...especially with dependents. I | |
need to keep that in check. | |
Lately, I have been playing way too much Minecraft on the | |
SDF server. I used to play Minecraft quite a bit when my | |
kids were younger. I even set up a server at home that | |
we used to play together. They don't play much these | |
days and I have been rediscovering Minecraft on the SDF | |
server. | |
I'll keep playing even when I am beyond tired. I'll even | |
think about Minecraft when I'm walking around in the woods, | |
IRL. I'll catch myself thinking of Minecraft at work or at | |
church or wherever. I'm a damb gud Minecraft player! | |
Preoccupations with Minecraft...sounds like I might have a | |
problem... | |
Well, not just Minecraft. It could be anything. It could be | |
a project I'm fixated on at work. It could be a woodworking | |
project I'm fixated at home. It could be micromanaging my | |
finances. It could be tracking my health metrics. It could | |
be a new Raspberry Pi project that I want to do. It | |
could a series I want to binge watch on Netflix (I want my | |
xxx hours of life back, damb u Netflix!!!). It could be | |
anything. The point is that I need to keep these things in | |
check because when I don't, I get lost in those worlds and | |
anything and everything tends to slip away and turn to shit. | |
I end up with blinders on to the world outside of the object | |
of my hyperfocus. And this is dangerous headspace. | |
Especially when it gets to the point of stuff not getting | |
done, bills not getting paid, appointments not being kept, | |
obligations not being met. | |
And then I get stuck. Stuck on this trajectory of hyperfocus | |
where it is too hard to get unstuck and I just keep going and | |
going and going, runaway processes, resources gets maxed, CPU | |
gets pegged...until system failure. | |
So now I am at the point where I have experienced system | |
failure and have been forced to disconnect from the network. | |
I have been dropped down into single user mode and have been | |
reviewing the dump file. I have a discussion with the kernel | |
and ask, what is going on here? What am I avoiding? What am | |
I not seeing? Do I need upgrades? Do I need better tools? | |
Do you not have enough resources to operate efficiently? Are | |
the child processes taxing the resources of the parent | |
processes? Does a rate-limit need to be implemented? Does | |
the firewall need to be updated? Have the system logs been | |
neglected? Are they telling me something that needs to be | |
attended to? | |
So this is where I am at. Some of these inquiries will be | |
answered and some will not. I think what will be beneficial | |
for me moving forward is to be open for the answers, | |
implement upgrades where applicable, and be mindful of my | |
resource allocation in the upcoming days...especially with | |
busy times just starting with the holidays and all. | |
As for the emotional component, I recognize it as being there | |
and I just need to sit with it and experience it when it | |
manifests. It should not be steamrolled, ignored, or | |
controlled The energy needs to process and dissapate. | |
Sorry if this has been too long-winded. I understand if you | |
do not want to read the whole thing. This post was mostly | |
meant for my benefit, to find out where I am at because I | |
seem to have lost my way and blind when I am caught up in the | |
whirlwind of my own headspace. It is only when I take | |
the time to disconnect and barf out the debris in my head | |
that I can truly see where I am at. | |
It's kinda funny how my human condition gets translated into | |
computer terminology. Well, you gopher people probably get | |
the gist of what I am trying to say. Most earth people would | |
not...then again, gopher people are people of the earth, no? | |
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