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Stardate: 20190512.1257 | |
Location: Family Room | |
Input Device: AlphaSmart dana.wireless | |
Software: AlphaWord | |
Audio: Dryer | |
Visual: Nothing in particlar | |
Emotional State: Slothful | |
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I've been in a weird in between, inner conflict kinda state | |
lately. It feels like I have 2 parts of me that keeps | |
fighting each other. I have the one side, the responsible | |
adult person who does things that adults do, like pay | |
bills, shows up to work, attends to his yard and his | |
family...and there is the rebellious teenager in me, who | |
doesn't want to be told what to do, wants to be lazy and make | |
a mess, wants to be irresponsible, and says, "fuck you," | |
to authority and to the world. That rebellious teenager | |
seems to have come to the forefront lately.. | |
Lately, I have had some responsibilities to attend to that | |
require the presense of my adult self, but my rebellious | |
teenager is not having any of that. My adult self is too worn | |
out to deal with fighting the teen and is not doing anything | |
about him. He just waits until the teen is done with his | |
tantrum and cares enough about him to let him get his needs | |
met. So the adult just waits and rests until the teen is done. | |
In the meantime, stuff is not getting done in a timely | |
fashion and the adult in me is feeling like a flake, with a | |
hole being dug deeper and deeper while the teen makes a mess | |
of things. I hope he goes away soon, because it's getting | |
old and he has made quite the mess this time. | |
I am aware that this is something that stems from the | |
wreckage of my past and that this will pass in its own time. | |
It is time to yield and and let him do his thing. I'm not | |
sure if other people have this kind of inner conflict or | |
what they do to deal with it. For me, this conflict seems to | |
be a cyclical thing and manifests when the conditions are | |
ripe. Right now, it just feels appropriate to observe and | |
let it pass. Not sure how long that is going to be | |
and it should be of no concern. | |
It would probably be best to try and keep myself in the now. | |
Regret and fear seems to live in the past and in the future. | |
Those places are not fun to dwell in. So I will be present | |
in the sacred now and practice my guitar for a bit and | |
whatever happens after that happens. I am not going there | |
right now. | |
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