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why-was-i-breached - annna - Annna the nice friendly bot. |
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git clone git://bitreich.org/annna/ git://enlrupgkhuxnvlhsf6lc3fziv5h2hhfrinws6… |
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why-was-i-breached (2562B) |
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1 #!/bin/sh |
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2 # |
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3 # From: https://whythefuckwasibreached.com/ |
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4 # |
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5 |
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6 actors="Russians |
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7 NSA |
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8 FBI |
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9 North Koreans |
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10 Chinese |
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11 Anonymous collective |
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12 teenage hacking prodigies |
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13 Iranians |
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14 KGB |
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15 industrial spies |
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16 competition |
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17 Europeans |
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18 Americans |
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19 cyber terrorists |
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20 advanced persistent threats |
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21 state actors |
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22 rogue AIs |
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23 APTs |
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24 Fancy Bears |
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25 foreign assets |
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26 master hackers |
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27 technology whiz kids |
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28 script kiddies |
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29 hacking activists |
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30 hacking people |
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31 security community |
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32 internet crowd" |
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33 |
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34 methods="0-day exploits |
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35 unprecedented XSS vulnerabilities |
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36 infiltrators |
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37 overwhelming force |
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38 botnets |
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39 ransomware |
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40 DDoS attacks |
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41 IoT malware |
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42 advanced techniques |
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43 hacking drones |
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44 cyborg bees |
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45 digital nukes |
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46 the open door in our basement |
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47 that one vulnerability we were going to patch next Tuesday |
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48 that other vulnerability we were going to patch next tuesday |
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49 something something vulnerability |
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50 vectors we really couldn't have prevented |
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51 vulnerabilities in a 3rd party solution |
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52 weaknesses in our vendors |
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53 nefarious techniques |
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54 an issue in Wordpress 1.0 |
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55 Heartbleed |
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56 a vulnerability in Windows XP SP1 |
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57 pen and paper based social engineering |
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58 an open window in the server room |
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59 30 - 50 feral hogs" |
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60 |
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61 targets="gain access to some data |
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62 cause a minor disturbance |
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63 potentially access some customer data |
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64 cause an undetermined amount of damage |
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65 partially disrupt our services |
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66 breach our high security servers |
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67 glimpse into our database |
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68 transfer 7 petabytes of data |
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69 extract some private keys |
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70 do something, but we aren't quite sure what it is |
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71 make a mess |
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72 make us look bad |
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73 force us to release this report |
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74 hack the coffee maker |
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75 install a C99" |
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76 |
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77 mitigations="made everyone promise to be super super careful |
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78 gotten ISO certified |
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79 gotten PCI certified |
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80 worked with industry leading specialists |
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81 upskilled our cafeteria staff |
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82 hired external consultants |
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83 worked with law enforcement |
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84 bought an IDS |
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85 twiddled with our firewall |
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86 been pretty good about security |
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87 hired some people with 'CISSP' after their names |
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88 watched a YouTube video on cyber security |
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89 told them to not do it again |
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90 said that we are very sorry |
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91 copy-pasted a security policy we found on Google |
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92 hired a Russian dude |
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93 watched the movie Hackers 8 times back to back |
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94 sent one of our guys to Defcon |
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95 put a rotating lock GIF on our website" |
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96 |
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97 selactor="$(printf "%s\n" "${actors}" | shuf -n 1)" |
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98 selmethod="$(printf "%s\n" "${methods}" | shuf -n 1)" |
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99 seltarget="$(printf "%s\n" "${targets}" | shuf -n 1)" |
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100 selmitigation="$(printf "%s\n" "${mitigations}" | shuf -n 1)" |
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101 |
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102 printf "The fucking %s used %s to %s. But we have since %s, so it will n… |
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103 "${selactor}" "${selmethod}" "${seltarget}" "${selmitigation}" |
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104 |
