*** The Cheeseshop Sketch
*** From Monty Python's Brand New Papperbok
*** Transcribed from tape by Malcolm Dickinson <CLARINET@YALEVMX>, 4/4/86
*** Slightly corrected by Mats Peterson <
[email protected]> 02/12/2004
*** The Cheese Shoppe ***
(A customer walks in the door. A bouzouki plays in the background.)
Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, sir?
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just
now, skimming through “Rogue Herrys” by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly
came over all peckish.
O: Peckish, sir?
C: Esuriant.
O: Eh?
C: 'Ee, ah wer 'ungry-loik!
O: Ah, hungry!
C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, “a little fermented curd will
do the trick,” so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth,
and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of
some cheesy comestibles!
O: Come again?
C: I want to buy some cheese.
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!
C: Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the
Terpsichorean muse!
O: Sorry?
C: 'Ooo, ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
O: So he can go on playing, can he?
C: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester?
O: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get it
fresh on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly,
if you please.
O: Ah! It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this
morning.
C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Er, Bel Paese?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Red Windsor?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
C: Ah. Stilton?
O: Sorry.
C: Emmental? Gruyère?
O: No.
C: Any Norwegian Jarlsberg, per chance.
O: No.
C: Liptauer?
O: No.
C: Lancashire?
O: No.
C: White Stilton?
O: No.
C: Danish Blue?
O: No.
C: Double Gloucester?
O: <pause> No.
C: Cheshire?
O: No.
C: Dorset Blue Vinny?
O: No.
C: Brie, Roquefort, Pont l'Evêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin,
Carre de l'Est, Bresse Bleu, Boursin?
O: No.
C: Camembert, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have Camembert, yes sir.
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yes sir. It's, ah... it's a bit runny...
C: Oh, I like it runny.
O: Well... It's very runny, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
O: I think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
C: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh........ <pause>
C: What now?
O: The cat's eaten it.
C: <pause> Has he.
O: She, sir.
(pause)
C: Gouda?
O: No.
C: Edam?
O: No.
C: Caithness?
O: No.
C: Smoked Austrian?
O: No.
C: Japanese Sage Derby?
O: No, sir.
C: You... do *have* some cheese, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got-
C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Er, Wensleydale?
O: Yes?
C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir.
Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.
(pause)
C: Greek Feta?
O: Ah, not as such.
C: Er, Gorgonzola?
O: no
C: Parmesan,
O: no
C: Mozzarella,
O: no
C: Pipo Crème,
O: no
C: Danish Fynbo,
O: no
C: Czech Sheep's Milk,
O: no
C: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
O: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
C: Ah, how about Cheddar?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
C: <slight pause> and what IS the most popular cheese 'round here?
O: Ilchester, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire.
C: Is it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Er... Ilchester, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay.
“Have you got any?” He asked, expecting the answer “no”.
O: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be....
C: Have you -- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!
O: Told you, sir...
C: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
O: No.
C: Figures.
Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to
have posed the question in the first place. Tell me...
O: Yes sir?
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
O: Yes, sir.
C: Really?
(pause)
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven't.
O: No sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
O: Right-o, sir.
The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.
C: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
