*** The Tale of Sir Launcelot ***
*** From Monty Python and the Holy Grail ***
*** Laboriously plagiarized by Bret “zzzz....” Shefter <SHEBREB@YALEVMX>
*** on the tenth day of April in the year of our Bret 1986
*** Laboriously corrected by Malcolm Dickinson <CLARINET@YALEVMX> 10/30/86
THE TALE OF SIR LAUNCELOT
As Sir Launcelot, the boldest and most expensive of the knights, lost his
way in the Forest of Ewing, at nearby Swamp Castle, a celebration was
underway.
Setting: A small garret room in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle.
The King and his son the Prince.
King: (gesturing expansively out the window) One day, lad, *all* this
will be yours.
Son: What, the curtains?
King: No, not the curtains, lad! All that you can see, stretched out
over the 'ills and valleys of this land. That'll be your kindom,
lad.
Son: But, Mother...
King: Father, lad, Father.
Son: But, Father, I don't want any of that.
King: Listen, lad: I built this kingdom up from nuthin'. When I started
here, all of this was swamp! Other kings said it was *daft* to
build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to
show 'em! It sank into the swamp. SO, I built a second one! That
sank into the swamp. So I built a *third* one. That burned down,
fell over, *then* sank into the swamp. But the fourth one......
stayed up. And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the *strongest*
castle in these islands.
Son: But I don't want any of that! I'd rather...
King: Rather what?
Son: I'd rather...just...sing!......
<music up>
King: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here!
<music dies away>
Now, listen, lad. In twenty minutes you're gettin' married to a
girl whose father owns the biggest *tracts* of open land in England.
Son: But I don't want land!
King: Listen, Alex...
Son: 'Erbert...
King: 'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp! We need all the land we can
get!!
Son: But... but I don't *like* 'er!
King: don't like 'er?!? What's wrong with 'er? She's... beautiful,
she's...*rich*, she's got... HUGE............. tracts o' land...
Son: Ah...ah know. But I want the girl that I marry to have... a
certain...*special*...something... <music up>
King: Cut that out!! Cut that out.... <grabs the prince>
<music dies away>
You're marryin' Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the
idea!
<slaps the prince>
GUARDS!!! <two guards come in>
Make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get
'im.
<starts to go>
Guard 1: <repeating> Not to leave the room, even if you come and get 'im.
Guard 2: *Hic*
King: Nono.... *Until* I come and get him.
Guard 1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
King: <stops> Nono, no... You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he*
doesn't leave.
Guard 1: And you'll come and get him.
Guard 2: *Hic*
King: Right.
Guard 1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him, entering
the room.
King: Nono. *Leaving* the room.
Guard 1: Leaving the room, yes.
King: All right?
Guard 1: 'Right.
King: Right. <goes out the door>
Guard 1: Oh! If if if uhhhh.... if if uhhhhh.... If if if we......
King: <coming back in> Yes, what is it?
Guard 1: Oh. I-if....... Oh....
King: Look, it's quite simple.
Guard 1: Uh.....
King: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room.
All right?
Guard 2: *hic*
Guard 1: Oh, I remember! Uhhhh, can he leave the room with us?
King: No...nono, no. You just keep him in 'ere, and make sure...
Guard 1: Oh yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he *had*
to leave, and we *were* with him...
King: nononono just KEEP HIM IN HERE
Guard 1: ...Until you or anyone else...
King: No, not anyone else, just me...
Guard 1: ...Just you...
Guard 2: *hic*
King: Get back.
Guard 1: Get back.
King: All right?
Guard 1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
Guard 2: *hic*
King: <pause> And, uh... make sure 'e doesn't leave.
Guard 1: What?
King: <pause> Make sure 'e doesn't leave!
Guard 1: The prince??????
King: Yes, MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE...
Guard 2: *hic*
Guard 1: Oh, yes, of course!! I thought you meant him! <motions towards
the second guard> You know, it seemed a bit daft me having to
guard him when 'e's a guard...
King: <pause> Is that clear?
Guard 1: Oh, quite clear, no problems!
Guard 2: *hic*
King: Right. <starts to leave. The guards follow him>
Where are *you* going?
Guard 1: We're coming with you!
King: Nono, I want you to *stay* here and MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE!
Guard 1: Oh, I see, right!
Son: <plaintively> but father...
King: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on. <leaves>
<music up>
<king re-enters>
AND NO SINGING!
Guard 2: *hic*
King: Oh, go and get a glass of water. (leaves)
The Prince looks at the guards. They look at him. He smiles. They
smile back. He gets a pen a paper out. He smiles at them. They smile
back. He scribbles something on it very fast, not looking at it. He
smiles at the guards. They smile back. The Prince gets a bow and arrow
from the wall. He sticks the note on the arrow. He smiles at the guards.
They smile back. He side-steps to the window. He smiles at the guards.
They smile back. He shoots the arrow with the note out the window. He
puts down the bow. He smiles at the guards. They smile back.
Guard 2: *Hic*
Meanwhile, at a nearby stream, Sir Launcelot approaches. We hear horse's
hooves in the distance. Sir Launcelot appears, behind Concorde, who is
banging two coconut halves together to make the noise of a horse.
Launcelot: Ho! <they jump over the stream> Well taken, Concorde! Steady
there, boy!
<an arrow whizzes through the air and embeds itself in Concorde>
Concorde: (as he falls) Message for you, sir. (he falls)
Launcelot: Concorde!! (spying the arrow) A note! <reads> “To whomever
finds this note. Help. I am being held prisoner by my father
who wishes me to marry *against my will*!! Please please
please please rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp
Castle.”
<aloud> A quest! Adamsel in distress! Oh, Concorde, noble
Concorde, you shall not have died in vain!
<starts to draw sword>
Concorde: I'm not quite dead yet, sir!
Launcelot: (a bit put off) Well...you shall not have been...mortally
wounded in vain! <draws sword>
Concorde: I think I could pull through, sir.
Launcelot: (a bit more put off) Concorde, maybe you'd better stay here
and rest a bit, eh?
Concorde: Oh, I think I could come with you, sir...
Launcelot: No, no, Concorde, brave soul, you shall stay here, and I...I
shall undertake a perilous quest to win freedom for a maiden and
eternal fame for myself. Farewell, Concorde!! <runs off, leaving
Concorde looking after him perplexedly>
Scene: The drawbridge of Swamp Castle. Two guards standing here looking
very bored. Off in the distance, they see Launcelot running
towards them waving his sword in the air. They look at each other,
then back at Launcelot. They seem confused. He does not get any
closer, though he keeps running. The guards look at each other
again. One taps his forehead. They lean on their pikes and idly
watch Sir Launcelot still running towards them and getting nowhere.
They look at each other. Suddenly Launcelot appears right next to
them and runs them both through. They die, considerably surprised.
Launcelot runs through the castle, slicing, dicing, grating,
mincing, and otherwise generally killing the entire populace. He
fights his way up to the Tower through the throngs of bewildered
wedding guests. He reached the Tower and throws open the door.
Guard 1: Hello! Urggh. <dies, run though>
Guard 2: *Hic* <also run through>
Launcelot: <kneeling before the white-garbed figure in the room> Milady,
here kneels the humble Sir Launcelot of Camelot, Knight of the
Round Table, and I stand ready to deliver you from-- <sees
it's a man, gets up immediately> Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Son: <claps hands delightedly> You got my note!
Launcelot: Well, I got *a* note...let's not jump to conclusions...
Son: I *knew* some one would read it and rescue me! I've got a rope all
ready! <dispays shredded blanket made into rope> Let's climb down!
King: <barging in, quite upset> What's all this!?! <sees Launcelot>
Are you the one who killed all my guests?
Son: He's come to rescue me!
King: Shut your noise, you. Well, what about it?
Launcelot: <highly embarrassed> Well, I suppose I may have got...a bit...
carried away with the moment...
King: Carried away?!? Look, whoever you are, you not only ruined my
wedding reception, and caused me great mental anguish, but you
killed the bride's father and kicked the bride in the chest!
Now what sort of behavior is that??? Who are you, anyway?
Launcelot: Well, I am Sir Launcelot of King Arthur's Court, and I--
King: King Arthur?? King-of-England Arthur? And you're one of his
Knights of the Round Table?
Son: I'm ready, Sir Launcelot! <ties rope to table>
Launcelot: Well...yes...and I'm awfully sorry about the fuss...
King: Fuss? Nonsense!! Why, Sir Launcelot, consider yourself my honored
guest, please! (quietly) Lots of land up by Camelot, eh?
Launcelot: Well, I'm terribly sorry about killing all those people...and
kicking the bride...
Son: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! <goes out the window>
King: Don't worry about a thing, sir. Just come downstairs with me, will
you? I want to introduce you to everyone.
Launcelot: Well, thank you....Thank you very much... <leaves>
King: I won't be a minute, Sir Launcelot.... <goes to window, draws
dagger>
Son: (from outside) Are you coming, Sir Launcelot?
<The King cuts the blanket-rope, which slithers out the window>
Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! (thump)
King: (liltingly) Coming, Sir Launcelot...
Sir Launcelot goes down the stairs. Upon recognizing him as the one who
caused all the damage, the remaining guests shout such things as, “There
he is!” and, “He's the one!” and, “Get him!” Launcelot draws his sword
and goes beserk again.
King: Oh, bloody hell.
Launcelot is at last subdued before causing too much damage, save only
kicking the bride again, and the King prepares to make a speech.
King: Ladies and gentlemen. This man whom you see beside me is my own
honored friend, Sir Launcelot of Camelot. He has come all this way
just to see my son married to Princess Lucky. Unfortunately, my
son Herbert has just fallen to his death from the Tall Tower.
(gasps) But, I like to think of myself, not as having lost a son,
but as having gained a daughter. For, since the father of the
bride perished in most untimely circumstances....
Voice: He's not quite dead yet....
King: (thrown) Er...since her father has come so close to death as to be
considered dead...
Voice: I think he's coming 'round!
King: <whispers to a guard, who circles towards the back of the room,
where the father lies> Since her father, who, when it seemed he was
just on the verge of recovery, suddenly felt the icy hand of death
upon him...
(thump)
Voice: He's kicked off!
King: Right...I should like the Princess to think of me as her own Dad.
In the firm and legally binding sense. And, as this is meant to be
a wedding day, I would like to welcome Sir Launcelot into my
family, and give him the hand of my new daughter in earnest token
of my esteem for him and his title. <pause, some feeble applause
from the guards>
Launcelot: <taken aback> Well, really, I must be going, I don't think--
King: Going? Nonsense! Why, how could you leave me at a time like this,
so recently bereft of my only son?
Concorde: <entering with Son> He's not quite dead yet! (general reaction)
King: Oh, bloody hell.
Voice: But, how on earth did you survive the fall from the Tall Tower?
Son: Well, I'll tell you...
<music starts>
King: No! Wait! Stop that! <But it is too late>
Guests: He's going to tell,
he's going to tell,
he's going to tell,
he's going to tell!
He's going to tell,
he's going to tell,
he's going to tell,
he's going to tell!
Concorde: Quick, sir, let's get out of here. This way.
Launcelot: No, no. I need something more...more...
Concorde: Dramatic, sir?
Launcelot: Dramatic! Right! This bell pull will do... <grabs bell pull.
Runs up stairs. Jumps in the air. Swings down towards the
window. Falls about twelve feet short, having not given himself
a very good start. Swings back and forth for a short time.>
Launcelot: Err...could someone give me a push?
