*** Ralph Melish
*** from Matching Tie & Handkerchief LP
*** transcribed from tape 11/16/87 Daniel Rich <
[email protected]>
Narator: June the 4th, 1973. It was much like any other summer's day
in Petersburg, and Ralph Melish, a file clerk at an insurance
company, was on his way to work as usual when....(Dramatic music)
nothing happened.
Scarcly able to believe his eyes, Ralph Melish looked down. But
one glance confirmed his suspicions. Behind a bush on the side
of the road, there was no severed arm, no dismembered trunk of a
man in his late fifties, no head in a bag, nothing...not a sock.
For Ralph Melish, this was not to be the start of any trail of
events which would not, in no time at all, involve him in neither
a tangled knot of suspicion nor any web of lies, which would, had
he been not uninvolved, surely have led to no other place than
the central criminal court of the old baliff.
(Sound of gavel banging)
But it was not to be. Ralph Melish reached his office in
Dallezll Street, Petersburg, at 9:05 am. Exactly the same time
as he usually got in.
Secretary: Morning Mr. Melish.
Melish: Morning Enid.
N: Enid, a sharp eyed, clever young girl, who had been with the firm
for only 4 weeks, couldn't help noticing the complete absence of
tiny but teltale bloodstains on Mr. Melish's clothing. Nor did
she notice anything strange in Mr. Melish's behavior that whole
morning! Nor the next morning. Nor at any time before or since
the entire period she worked with that firm.
M: Have the new paper clips arived Enid?
S: Yes, they're over there Mr. Melish.
N: But for the lack of any untoward circumstances for this young
secretary to notice, and the total non-involvement of Mr. Melish
in anything illegal. The full weight of the law would have
ensured that Ralph Aldis Mellish would have ended up like all who
challenge the fundemental laws of our society: in an iron coffin
with spikes on the inside.
Wife: Turn that thing off. You'll be late for the bus. It's nearly
half past nine.
Husband: It was indeed nearly half past nine.
W: Now off you go!
H: Off I went on a perfectly ordinary day....(fade out)
W: Oh, I'm so worried about him doctor.
Doctor: Yes. Yes, I know what you mean. I'm afraid he's suffering
from what we doctor's call whooping cough. That is, the failure
of the autonomic nervous section of the brain to deal with the
nerve impulses that enable you and I to retain some facts and
eliminate others.
W: Another dog?
D: Not for me thank you.
W: I'll have one last one.
D: (Spoken over barking and yelping) The human brain is like an
enormous fish. It's flat and slimy, and has through which it can
see. (Gunshot, barking stops).
W: There we are.
D: Should one of these gills fail to open (sound of frying in the
background) the messages transmitted by the lungs don't reach the
brain. It's as simple as that.
W: Well, I'm a simple soul, I don't understand all that. All I know
is he's not the same man as I married.
D: Am I the man you married Mrs. Egis?
W: No, no. Get away. You'll get struck off
D: Come on, come on.
W: I can't. I'm eating dog.
D: Come on, just a quick examination.
W: No, get off, I'm married.
H: But, Dr. Quatt was a man of quite remarkable medical insight, skill
and determination. And within a few minutes, he had completely
removed my wife's knickers.
W: Get out you! (door slams) oo, oo, doctor. Oh doctor Quatt.
D: Now, now. Put your tongue in my mouth.
W: No!
D: Oh, come on, come on. I've got your knickers.
(Music up and fade....)
