________ ________ ________
2019-08-18 / \/ \/ / \
/ __/ /_ _/
So we get to the venue and it's one we've / _/ / /
never been to before. It's chill, it's cool, \_______/_\___/____/\___/____/_
it's small, we dig. We buy some merch then / \/ \/ / \
prepare for the first band, one Cat is / _/ /_ _/
looking forward to just as much as the /- / _/ /
headliner, who is on his bucket list of \________/\________/\___/____/
artists he wants to see live before he dies.
Everything feels normal, save for the security guard who reeks of alcohol we
observe j-walk across the street to yell some nonsense at a man running a
French creperie before the doors open.
WE WENT INTO THIS KNOWING NOTHING ABOUT THE OTHER SUPPORTING ACTS. BIG MISS
STEAK!
Suldusk – Really cool dark folk/black metal sort of deal. The lead singer
is a tiny fairy of a person and she's very charming. It's the bass players
first gig and he's all dressed up in his black button up and black slacks,
it's very cute. They ruled, super like-able and very talented. I buy their
T-shirt. The crowd is much smaller than what they deserve, but it's only the
first act. We notice 3 people off to the side in front of the stage are
absolutely plastered staggering drunk. It's 8pm. They kinda look a little off,
like they may be a bit handicapped or something, but we pay no mind, there's a
bar connected to the place after all, they're allowed to be here.
Volkmar – This is when things started to get weird. Imagine every socially
awkward alt outcast who hated everyone sitting in the back of your English
class and put them in a talent show act. The type who would hiss at you and
hail Satan. The lead singer was a middle-aged man wearing sunglasses and
leather pants with matching leather gloves, dyed black hair. Very embarrassing
right off the bat, super edgy singing about Alice in wonderland as an allegory
for drugs, etc. They even had a super nervous lady violinist who was doing her
best but knew half of the audience was probably laughing at them. We've dubbed
the staggering drunk trio the "potato people" and they are in full swing
dancing in front of the stage. Two of them start moshing with each other. The
band was not good, but I always try to support the underdog. I complimented
the main guy after because I felt bad.
Bordel Militaire – I was excited for this act when they started bringing up
4 different synthesizers during setup because ya girl loves a good
experimental noise act. They bring out a flag for their group I guess which
had a pair of crossed cocktail glasses on it? They were a weird bunch, members
consisted of an older gentleman, a younger long-haired fellow clearly into the
experimental scene (they have a look), and two tumblr kids. The music started
out good, but the audio feed for the microphones was indistinguishable. It
literally just sounded like noise, but not good, coherent noise. They were
trying to sing but you couldn't hear any of it. They spent a majority of the
show desperately trying to get it working and trying to communicate with us to
see if what they were saying was understandable. Nobody really knew what was
going on at this point. The older guy and the long-haired dude were hyper
focused in the music, because they didn't need to sing, so that part was good.
But the tumblr-looking kids just continued to make.....sounds. I don't know
how to describe what it sounded like, just a completely distorted mess. It was
confusing. At one point someone's father (I'm assuming) with sunglasses comes
on stage looking like an Elvis impersonator, and I guess he was a special
guest for a track? Couldn't hear shit. They finally got the audio feed working
properly and we could hear them for the last 30 seconds LOL.
Bain Wolfkind – At this point the stage is trashed because these messy kids
had left all their....paperwork? Lyrics? And trash strewn on it. It took a
long time for them to set up equipment this time because the only man running
the audio/lights/everything literally just looked like someone's dad who'd
just wandered in. If you go to a lot of these smaller gigs you get the idea of
how all these people look, this guy did not belong here and clearly had no
idea what he was doing. So we're waiting, yeah? And I shit you fucking not,
the old goth man from the talent show act has CHANGED HIS SHIRT and is
standing on stage with a guitar. I'm blown away. After what felt like 30
minutes, he and the Elvis impersonator are ready. I guess they are the act.
Someone comes up to us and asks "Are they Danish?" ????? We have no idea who
these people are. They are very drunk and start singing very obscene lyrics
about choking women and at one point Elvis has proceeded to stick his hand
down his pants and I FEEL UNSAFE. The potato people are grinding on each
other. I can't even watch at this point and I turn around and ask the lady
behind me if this is a real legit act for this show. She doesn't respond. It's
all very disturbing but everyone is shitfaced and dancing. We haven't had a
lick of alcohol and just watch in horror as things fall apart. Elvis man
doesn't know the lyrics to his own songs and keeps looking at a stack of
papers on the floor of the stage, feels like some weird perverted karaoke
night for old folks. We have a google and apparently Elvis was in a band once
so maybe people know who he is, but his entire musical schtick is being
offensive and disgusting, apparently. I have to come to the conclusion that
everyone must know each other and we aren't in on the joke. I feel
increasingly bad for the headliner & opening act.
Of The Wand And The Moon – He comes onto this filthy stage looking normal
as fuck compared to every single person who has been up there. Everyone at the
bar is loud as shit because they don't care and only about half of us have
crowded to the front to see him. There are some die-hard fans like Cat here,
we have all patiently waited to see this guy through the absolute train wreck
that was the middle of the show. The lead tumblr kid from the other act is
right in front, shoving his phone at the man for the entire show, swaying
constantly and I think he must be on drugs. WandMoon tries very hard to
communicate with us, someone asks him to tell a joke and he mentions how he
can't wait for this night to end. Everyone disagrees, we feel for him, he gets
flustered. He thanks the embarrassing old goth from the other two acts who is
apparently responsible for bringing him out here. He puts on a great show, but
we are exhausted from the absolute clownery that has ensued. At the end he
politely explains he is finished and leaves the stage. The belligerent drunks
beg for an encore and they aren't leaving. Old Goth literally chases him back
stage to beg for more. We give up, and we hope he has, too. On the way to the
tram stop I hear him come back on and say "...seriously?"
It's nearly 1am. Outside the sidewalks are crawling with club-goers. Also
everyone looks really weird?? Everyone just looks OFF. We feel alien. We
finally catch a tram back into downtown and decide that there must be a reason
we've never been to that venue before, and that crossing Johnson street is a
mistake. THE END.
