________ ________ ________
2017-09-23 / \/ \/ / \
/ __/ /_ _/
The phlog post that follows covers the / _/ / /
week prior to starting my excursion into \_______/_\___/____/\___/____/_
psychedelic microdosing in September 2017. / \/ \/ / \
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or a scientist / _/ /_ _/
or a chemist so do not consider this log /- / _/ /
evidence or endorsement of anything. This \________/\________/\___/____/
post is just a record of my thoughts and
experiences during the process and nothing else.
2017-09-04 (Day -7)
I'm writing this in parallel with my usual phlog posts and will compile it
into one file so apologies if it gets lengthy. I've been reading about
microdosing psychedelics for a few months, it's fascinating and anecdotally
the results seem to be really encouraging so, in line with my goal to make my
year more cyberpunk and my self-consciousness lately about having no follow-
through on anything I've decided to give it a shot.
To get a better idea of the efficacy of microdosing though, I'm going to
have to give up anything I already do and starting today I've gone clean from
the bits and pieces I was using to get me through my day-to-day for the last
however many years. This was mostly a combination of caffeine and codeine,
plus whatever collateral shit came with them (eg. the taurine in energy drinks
and ibuprofen or paracetamol in the pills). A big ol' energy drink and a
couple pills in the morning. Body gets soft, brain spins up and I'm online.
I've also cut out the alcohol I'd use to disconnect at the end of the day,
just so I'm a reasonably blank slate.
Let me tell ya, it's only the first morning of a week of this and I'm
already hating it.
2017-09-05 (Day -6)
Today seems easier than yesterday, although I've already cheated and
allowed myself a Coke. Yesterday I had a bad allergy day so it was like a
double-whammy of feeling rubbish but today that's gone away.
The doses of what I was taking previously weren't very high and although
they fluctuated a bit they never escalated. I don't really have an addictive
personality, I just find my groove and off I go forever, I rarely felt like I
needed to speed up or switch gears. I remember a guy I used to work with who
was hardcore, if I remember correctly he was in an accident and messed up his
legs real bad and got hooked on opioids from there. Some days he'd just
disappear into his office and take pills until he was nodding. I heard later
my boss let him go because he was completely useless every day, he said it was
like working with a zombie. A real shame since he was really, really outside-
the-box smart.
2017-09-06 (Day -5)
Struggle city. Caffeine withdrawal has my head feeling like it's in a clamp
and the lack of codeine is just, like, I dunno. It's just like everything
seems wrong, like the edges are too sharp? It's hard to explain without
sounding silly, it's not like I'm a hardcore junkie gone clean so I feel like
I'm exaggerating all the time. Short story; I don't like it. Everything feels
too difficult and I'm not having fun.
I did the deed last night and picked up the LSD from a dark web market. I
thought it'd be more difficult than it was and I thought I'd feel more
SUPAL33T doing it hahaha. Turns out it's just like buying from any other
online marketplace. It's "99%+ pure Aztec crystal" whatever that means? I'm
sure it means about as much as a snack being 99% fat free. I also got a test
kit just to be sure but to be honest, something about the vendors just seems
really legit. Just guys looking to make some dough, not looking for trouble.
You see some that are obviously sketchy but you get that on any other
marketplace too, Craigslist or eBay or whatever. We'll see if my opinion on
that changes in a few days, I suppose.
2017-09-07 (Day -4)
Package shipped yesterday and should arrive today or tomorrow. I've never
really had much motivation to experiment with drugs, they always seemed scary
when I was a kid and I guess when I was a teenager that fear, combined with a
general defensiveness brought on by not understanding what was going on with
my mental health transitioned into a kind of high-and-mighty "drugs are dumb"
attitude. Friends would bring them up and I'd get snotty about it. I did
somehow end up smoking for a while as a teenager but I guess that was about as
rebellious as I got.
I don't remember when/how I feel into pain killers, I get pretty bad
migraines so I'm sure it was related to that. Something about them coming from
a pharmacy shorted out that fear/attitude and they were so easy to get back
then. Beyond that I haven't done much; I'd substitute the codeine for
oxycodone when I could do so without too much hassle or expense (ie. very
rarely), I smoke weed maybe once a year and I've taken LSD once before but
asked my friend specifically for a small dose because I was doing it alone and
didn't want to stress out, I dunno how strong it was but the effect was pretty
mild.
On the going-clean side of things, I've been cheating a bit and had a few
Cokes, not much caffeine in them but some caffeine is more than none caffeine
and caffeine withdrawal is the absolute worst shit. My jaw hurts a bit from
tension but aside from that I'm feeling pretty ok.
2017-09-08 (Day -3)
On the wetware front, yesterday wasn't that bad. The pain in my jaw has
gone and the caffeine withdrawal headache is down to a dull pressure, although
that feels worse today than it did yesterday.
Was expecting ~the goods~ to arrive yesterday and they didn't but that's
cool, they should come today. If they don't I guess I'll just truck through
Monday as I'm doing now and start dosing from Wednesday. I've read a few
anecdotes with different schedules; one guy dosed daily, resting on the
weekend and Fadiman's study was dosing Sunday and Wednesday with
rest/observation days in between. I'm going to meet somewhere in the middle,
dosing Monday, Wednesday and Friday and resting between, about 20ug of LSD
each dose.
I'm so naive about this stuff that I'm searching all this beginner shit
online; can I do this, how long does it take for that, is it safe to whatever,
and for some reason it reminded me of a letter in Nintendo Power:
"Do your Nintendo tapes only last five years? Does it matter if you
set them on chairs or if you put the controllers on the floor?"
Hahahaha, does it matter if you set a tab of acid on a chair I wonder?
I guess before I close out this cleansing week I should summarise what I'm
doing, what it promises on the box and what I hope to get out of it?
Psychedelic microdosing is the act of taking regular sub-perceptual doses
of psychedelic drugs, for example ~10-20ug of LSD to improve productivity,
enhance creativity, focus and relational skills. Although reports have been
mostly anecdotal, subjects have noticed increased creative output, increased
physical energy and stamina, improved emotional balance, being more sociable
and a reduction in stress, depression and anxiety.
What I want out of this whole thing is more consistent productivity,
caffeine is wonderful but for me it feels like a spike. I make magic in the
morning but by the afternoon it all wears off and I run out of steam.
Additionally I want something to replace the dependency I have on pain killers
to "get me through the day", particularly since they make me spacey and
withdrawn which at work is not ideal. I'm already noticing a slight shift in
that this week since going clean but at the cost of feeling comfortable and
calm around people, it'd be nice to see that improved sociability and the
reduction in depression/anxiety mentioned in the write ups and reports.
I'm a little worried that it'll be too much and I'll get wobbly or weird at
work and have to head home but my main concern, though still not such a big
deal, is that it just does nothing. Even then, I'm only out some cash for the
drugs and tester and I roll back to codeine and caffeine and have a few
really, really good days after these weeks spent drying out. I was also joking
with Danielle that if this doesn't work out we have an anime convention coming
up at the end of the first week, so we can just dose the rest before going.
Now THAT will be something to post about ahahahahaha.
Ultimately, whether it works or not the act of doing is still an exciting
thing. The more I read about LSD the more I feel aware of a magic aura that
surrounds it and the more I understand it the more I love the idea of it. It's
a bright, iridescent opal of a thing, simultaneously primitive and futuristic,
party drug and entheogen, an immeasurable infinity contained in a tiny
chemical droplet.
I likely won't update this log over the weekend so the next entry you read
will be into my first dose. Stay tuned, deckers.
