I thought I'd had a relatively easy weekend. I certainly didn't
achieve much, but plotting a route to another dam I couldn't quite
be bothered visiting, and re-organishing the various electromagic
connected to my TV to pull out the old USB IDE HDD enclosure that I
finally replaced with a smaller USB HDD with larger capacity (still
15 years old though) after surpassing 160GB of video data. Now
everything actually fits in the cupboard of the TV stand instead of
half on a cardboard box in front, which is nice, although I do now
have out some old PC speakers to use instead of the TV speakers
where one has busted its cone and gone 'buzzy'. That now gives me
stereo too (the TV has two speakers, but no stereo, which was a bit
cheap for a 1990s model), so in a way it's an improvement.
I should have been concreting the foundations for my tank/antenna
stand, or ordering new bushings for the Jag, or learning MIG
welding, or tens of other things on the list next to me now, but I
didn't. Yet by the end of yesterday I was tired out with a killing
headache and went to bed at quarter past seven. I do bugger all on
a weekend and then one day of work still wears me out completely?
Though I do feel refreshed this morning. I don't know.
I did have the rare (for me) experience of a clear dream that I
remember. I was looking after this empty place for someone in the
middle of nowhere (sort of a mini "The Shining" situation),
basically like where I live now but a completely different building
and location (same shed though, my imagination must have run out of
steam by the time I reached that). It was my first day there and I
was enjoying getting away from my usual routine in new
surroundings, and in the evening I went roaming around the paddocks
in the nude like I sometimes do here and had great fun. But then
while checking around in the morning (a Monday) I saw the road out
front of the building was surprisingly busy. Then while walking out
the front I found a pretty woman there and was excited to talk to
her, but she casually dismissed my "hello?", and then I realised
there was a kindergarden running from the building and she was one
of the parents dropping of their kids, and I can't stand children,
especially young children, so having that where I was living was a
disaster. Then I went round to the living area and it turned out
the building was also part of some sort of pub or cafe, and I
hadn't locked the door to the private area so people had gone in
and I was ashamed that I'd neglected my responsibilities for
looking after the place. And on that cheery note I woke up.
It seems to pretty nicely sum up my troubles in life - I have a
great time mucking about on my own but then other people come in
out of nowhere and it all becomes a mess of crowds,
misunderstandings, and obligations. Not much to learn from it
though, except to ask lots of questions before taking on a
seemingly-quiet caretaker role somewhere. It probably reinforces my
semi-serious life goal of making enough money I can retire to a
private island in international waters, and spend my retirement
experimenting with laser and plasma weapons to melt any vessles
that try to invade. OK, probably an overreaction, but it's a much
nicer dream than that last one.
Although that dream still wouldn't help me find a girlfriend.
Cheesy as the topic is I've been wondering what love really is
lately. Besides sexual desire, I would like the chance, the
permission really, to be with someone and really think what they
think, immerse myself in their own alternate view of the world,
their own alternate world. That window into consciousness that I
feel one needs the deepest permission to explore. But does this
understanding really exist between most lovers? Is it desired by
most people? Is it instead all that's left once you remove the
obligations, traditions, and general talk, of regular
relationships, and it's my lack of appetite for those things which
separates my understanding of other people's motives in love?
OK, got it, wondering about these things all day is probably what
gives me a headache. Or the various chemicals I use for work are
probably good candidates too. Anyway, writing that filled up the
time I gained from waking early this morning.
