Stiff, cold, westerly winds, they seem to be the flavour of the
month, not afraid to break into damaging gusts either. They wear
you down after a while. Besides the usual detours: pulling down a
flipped-over animal shelter for some free building materials (OK I
have to thank the wind for that), trying to patch rusted-out
gutters on the house, and contemplating how to install a rooftop
bathtub, I've been very focused on the one endless business-related
project that I've been working on lately. Mainly dubugging
(hardware and software), in all sorts of test scenarios, which I
hate.
This week I'll admit this has made me feel like there may be too
little in my life. If tests go well I'm happy, if they go badly I'm
depressed, but if I've designed a fix and not tested it yet (but in
my mind I'm doubtless it'll work) then I'm completely carefree, but
if I later find my fix doesn't work I'm extremely depressed and
have no confidence in my ability to do anything at all.
In part this is because the project has simply taken way too long,
and the longer it's taken the more important it's become as other
business activities have slowed down. Though I'm surprised how
sales of some things have dropped so low this year - in part likely
due to increased postage costs, which I can't do anything about,
except drop some prices, which hasn't brought sales back yet
either... This project's become worryingly like my last roll of the
dice, which statistically is pretty long odds since most products
I've developed never really sold. On the other hand the time it
takes is a consequence of me trying to make something sophisticated
enough that it will sell, and all the modern technicalities
associated with that. The logical conclusion is probably: if that's
what it takes, and that's how long it takes me, then I'm probably
not really up to the task. But I guess I'll wait for the sales
outcome before drawing any big conclusions in that direction.
So all those concerns, whether I take them seriously or fall back
on my "meh it'll work out or it won't, I've got by OK this way so
far" state of air-headedness, still make it the one big focus in my
life. I wonder whether it's also a symptom of being out here
talking to myself all day. Other people do have a way of deflecting
attention from ones own obsessions, and I don't spend much time
around them. But then when I went to visit my mother's a month ago
I was so distracted it took me half an hour just to write a three
70col line email reply. Perhaps it's the half-way state I live in -
quite detached from society and generally happy amusing myself
(except for sexual frustration), yet still trying to make money
from that society and track core aspects of its lifestyle. It makes
my business the one thing because it's the only thing I care about
being judged by others.
Or if I went down a self-sufficiency path, would providing for
myself become the next one thing? Right now I already need to stop
writing this to go out in the cold wind and get wet trying to pump
water from a tank on the shed before it overflows, since that's to
serve my water self-sufficiency needs. Is the whole attraction of
all the nonsense most people worry about simply because it
distracts from their existential concerns centered around their
ability to earn income to fulfill their basic needs? What I need in
life is more sex and bullshit? Probably.