I seem to have settled into a natural habit of posting something
every weekend. I'm not sure whether I like that, because if I don't
really have anything to say, if it's just talking to a computer in
lieu of a friend or partner, then that's kind-of pathetic. Or is
it? Maybe this is just an easier means to the same end? I don't
know, maybe I'm just afraid of fitting a stereotype, but I'm weird
enough that I don't really fit them anyway, which just emphasises
that it doesn't matter anyway, I think.
Well I've been thinking, possibly brought on by an evening watching
documentaries on TV (a pretty broad one about AI, and Louis
Theroux's third documentary about the porn industry - why have I
spent more time watching docos about porn than actual porn
itself?), about dynamics of power. Specifically about my own
aversion to being under the control of others, even indirectly. But
more broadly about how such aversions within the narrow range of
choices available in one's life can easily lead to decisions based
on fear which are detached from real outcomes.
In the case of control, I know that I dislike feeling controlled by
others, not so much physically but in terms of my way of thinking.
Getting away from that by avoiding a regular sort of career has
worked so far. Yet with running my own business, growth eventually
means needing to employ others, putting myself in a position of
control. This is, on face value, attractive, because in theory
those with control over others have more control over their own
lives - harnessing others to achieve their own desires. The trouble
is that there is such an infrastructure for controlling people who
control others, mostly from government. That in turn soon
necessitates handing off the task of fulfilling government demands
to other employees, who themselves then take control to some
degree. It's complicated, and potentially manipulative in exactly
the way I fear.
Would I be better off controlled, but in some lowly position,
bottom of the food chain where most worries are someone else's
problem? Forgive the sillyness of this sentence, but do the
controlled have more control than the controllers?
For this reason I do in some sense envy the cleaners, the security
guards, etc.. Not just because they can make embarrassingly more
money than me (though, well, mainly that), but also because they
don't have to worry about other people any more than I do.
I think a mix of things is the real answer for me. I already do a
little bit of farm hand work, and perhaps I should try to find
something more regular in that line. I'd like to also pursue
aspects of self-sufficiency, as that is the most obvious answer to
the problem of external control, up to the point that you start
thinking about things like council rates and medical expenses at
least. But all that together is a bit much to keep on top of
really, at least for someone lazy at heart like me.
Alternatively my dream is to set up a popular major website that is
automated enough that I can run it myself until it's worth enough
to sell to some evil company for millions and then I can live off
investments for the rest of my life. I do have an idea for this,
but there would be a _lot_ of work in it. Plus nobody I talk to
'gets' it, which may be a bad sign.
Perhaps if I'd followed a different path without fear of the
apparant control from an employer, and less ambition to really
achieve very much, I wouldn't find the choices so hard at this
stage? I resist such revisionist thoughts because I don't believe
that you can be yourself and yet have made another person's
decisions in the past, but as a theoretical question it's
interesting. Are the goals and fears that drive big choices in life
usually even associated with a real outcome? If not then why follow
them? Is it all just a random path steered towards an imaginary
fate? I guess based on outcomes it usually is, but that seems
excessively depressing.
