My determination to find edgy titles for these posts is already
starting to tempt pretentiousness. Really I'm just aiming to answer
the question posed before my previous rant. As much as I enjoyed,
and to a large extent probably stand by (I haven't re-read it),
that rant about my core belief in the power of general indecision,
I realise that I never really stated "the reason why I hate you".
The point of that post was that I can see a reason to hate
everything, as well as to love. I can take my pick of which way I
want to go, perhaps at the cost of never truely believing in
anything. I think everyone can see these two sides if they want to,
but they refuse to do so, they only want to see the side that they
live by, so that they can find meaning to it. It's them who I want
to talk about now, the mysterious everybodies who make the world in
which we live, who read rubbish like this, who write it. Us.
There's nothing unusual about hating the general masses, it's
pretty much a social norm to protest against the deficiencies in
reasoning exhibited one way or other by the distant many. But I
don't subscribe to the standard exceptions, granted to you reading,
or me writing. We are all in fact much less than we can imagine
ourselves to be. I'm not talking about aspirations, or skills, or
anything one might hope to improve in one's self. I mean that by
our nature we just can't achieve a self worth truely loving. We're
weak, stupid, self-obsessed, and endlessly hypocritical. We waste
our time planning and theorising rubbish like this site is all
about, but we really only care about our core instinctive drives.
We can never be anyone other than another member of the mindless
public, and we don't really want to be anyway.
Personally, I draw a certain strength from this. After all I really
think of myself as one of the smarter idiots here, which I say
without expecting anyone else to agree. I always assume the fact in
any case, but when it's proved wrong I don't really care.
I haven't really mastered this with other people though. People
always just naturally annoyed me at some level anyway, even though
the fact of me writing this exposes some low-level social desire
beating away. As they speak I can't help seeing through the facade,
to the little automaton inside chaoticically winding its way
through the world, picking up patterns to loosely tie together into
some form that satisfies it's own basic desires. The desires, a
desire, for itself - its own form - to survive and reproduce. To
continue the cycle of life, nature's endless loop.
So that's why I hate you, you're stupid, self-absorbed, insincere,
and so am I. But I love you too of course, at least if I feel like
it. That stupid, self-absorbed, insincere automaton is in any case
a spectacular creation of nature, and of its own experiences,
condensed into a unique form. Capable of impossible creations,
flowing with me down the river of dreams and emotion to maybe fill
some void that brings a whole society at least a little closer to
its impossible ambition.
I don't know if you will be able to accept these two views of
yourself. To really believe them both at once. Maybe you don't want
to? Perhaps you shouldn't want to. It could all be just some
complex construction to justify to myself the fact that I'm not
very good at socalising with people, or more specificly with pretty
young woman. But I doubt that any life is perfectly fulfilled, and
by thinking this way I can appreciate the many pleasures that I do
have without crediting what others there could be. I can love my
life, love myself, even love you. Here I am, listening to music,
sitting/lying naked at an outdated computer next to one of my silly
electronic creations blinking away, slowly typing with one hand my
inner thoughts so that they can flow out into the world (if I ever
so set up this Gopher site). I can be content, and about what
unfulfilled aspirations I have for my life, I needn't care - I hate
them all anyway.
