# candy bar meditations or it is all now clear

*Entered: in emacs on Gemini PDA*
*Date: 20231231*

## an early morning

I woke this morning ar 0445 due to my dog barking for
whatever reason. I grabbed my glasses and took him out. I
knew that even though I went to bed at 0100 last night, my
sleeping was over. When he was done, I carried him back into
my bedroom and placed him on my side of the bed. Then left
and closed the door.

In the living room I cracked open a red bull and surfed the
web for a bit, but I didn't want to waste the beautiful
morning, and remembered I had another
[candy bar](gopher://1436.ninja/0Phlog/20231125.md), so
around 0530 or so I ate it. I ate a breakfast of two day old
spaghetti shortly after (which haunted me?).

I put on a long Youtube video and waited for it to kick in.
When it did I killed the TV and sat for a bit, then I felt
fatigued and like I should lie down. So I got on the couch.
I started to feel very cold. I covered myself with two
blankets and then as I lay there it struck me, that as a man
I should modify my environment instead of passively laying
and feeling cold. So I rose and adjusted the thermostat up
by two degrees (again 2?).

I was thinking about this thought that had occured to me
about my environment. I got back into my chair and sat.
Thinking. My wife got up a little past 0700 and I decided to
take a bath. When I designed this house, before I had it
built, the design centered on two rooms: the 14x20 foot
sewing and craft room, and the master en-suite bathroom with
a fireplace and a tub so large it has armrests and can fully
submerge me. I never liked baths before this house and this
bathtub, but now when I am home it is something I enjoy.

I ran the bath hot. I got in, took off my glasses, closed my
eyes for a bit then focused, more or less on a plant my wife
had hung over the tub. I struck me that nature is alien. I
wondered why I thought this. Mind. My mind was perceiving
nature. My body may be a part of nature, but mind is
outside, and larger than body. An interesting answer. So
what is the goal then of my mind? This once again centered
on my role as a man. I think the MDMA puts me on this kind
of track. The goal of my mind, as a man, is to create
structure around me. For me and my family to inhabit.
Strength is that which contributes to structure weakness is
its opposite.

I remain in the bath for about an hour. My meditation
continues.

When men are mean to others, and most especially their
family, it is because the structure they have constructed is
too small. The goal is to construct a vast structure.
Satisfying the needs of my loved ones. Giving them the room
to be themselves, to grow, to disagree with me even, to
discuss, to consider. Love.

This is the meaning of the inscription on the temple of
Apollo at Delphi: Know Thyself.

To know thyself is to know your goal, your purpose, a true
assessment of your mental and physical abilities. To use
strategy. Strata - layers - to lay the ground work, to craft
a plan for what is needed that sets success at a high
likelyhood. To also know, honestly, in depth, your family
members. To pierce to the heart of what their needs are, to
unlock their happiness. To live for this.

I spanked my youngest daughter once in her life. She was a
toddler and had drawn in crayon on the floor of the house we
were renting at the time. She remembers it to this day. It
made a mark upon her because it was out of character of our
relationship to this day. My younger years were mistake
strewn and so much learning has happened in the mean time.

My wife and I have raised each other these last over
eighteen years. Neither being the person that started. Our
love total, our understanding full, we will be entangled
till one of us dies. And the one who must survive will carry
the structure forward. I know I will likely go first, but I
will strive to achieve my goal and mission to have that
structure in place till my final breath.

Part way through the above, at around 0900, I was running a
low grade fever and threw up. I had my wife bring a box fan
out to the living room to cool me down. This passed. I tried
to hide the fact that I threw up from my wife, but
apparently I failed to clean up the bathroom as well as I
had thought. She was concerned for me. I had her sit down
and I told her of my insights, gained from the opportunity
these chemicals had given me to step outside my own mind,
and be free of responsibility for a few hours. She enjoyed
the telling and agreed that it was a good experience for me.

I think I'll leave it there.