*Entered: in emacs on Gemini PDA*
*Date: 20231125*
## medicinal candy bar
I had a friend go thru a very liberal city and purchase me a
chocolate bar whose active ingrediants were 3.5g Magic and
120mg heart. The magic was shrooms and the heart was MDMA. I
ate the whole bar yesterday morning just after waking, then
prepared myself some ramen (I drain off all the water, use
my own spices, cheese, and egg). After I ate this I waited,
sitting in a rocking chair until I felt it kick in. This
took aproximately 20 minutes after my meal.
## the experience, an exploration
I went into my bedroom and laydown in my bed. Looking up at
the ceiling, I observed it moving and geometrical. I thought
to myself, "this is not what I am here to see." So I rolled
onto my side and was looking at my half of the
bedroom. Utilitarian and organized to my liking. A hat rack
on the closet door, possessions stacked on my dresser. I
began to digest my nature while seeing "me" in what I was
looking at. I was also cold. Laying there almost shivering.
Then I rolled over and was looking at my wife's side of the
room. It glowed in warmth. Thoughtful decoration, Items
which highlight aspects of her belief, our children, soft,
warm. I felt this warmth and felt compelled to say her name
aloud. After some time digesting this information, it became
obvious to me that I did not wish to be in bed.
I got up and went to our bathroom and drew a bath. A hot
bath. I got into the tub and on the wall in my view are two
paintings. A purple skull on a black background, and a young
couple on a swing. I immediately decided I had no interest
in looking upon the skull so I entered the painting of the
young couple. The woman is painted in light. She is wearing
white. Her expression is of devotion. Her arms are thrown
about the man's neck in a light embrace. The man was painted
in shadow. He gazes protectively upon her. One hand on the
swing rope, on arm around the woman, ensuring her
safety. Her light is facing outwards. His light is facing
inwards. Neither of them is empty.
Her love is expressed by nuturing. It is emotion. It
radiates. His love is expressed by providing. It is
pragmatic. He will sacrifise himself for her over the course
of their lives. Both loves are equal. Woman is something man
is not, and cannot be. Not lesser. Man is something woman
cannot be. Not to lord over. Both are half an
entity. Neither is whole whithout the other. Woman is hot,
man is cold by nature. The skin's surface is the inverse of
this. The man radiates surface heat in order to provide a
warm embrace for his mate. Love is typically expressed from
a woman's point of view and men upon seeing this, begin to
doubt that they have ever actually loved. The nature of a
man's love, is not in the emotional sphere. There is an
aspect of that, but the primary expression is in providing.
Women see nature as something to meld with. Men see nature
as something that needs to be modified to suit their loved
ones. I will construct a dwelling. I will plant this
field.
This trip was to last about six hours, but an hour in, I
shut it down through will estimating that I had learned what
I needed and had to mull over the information (the above is
of course the heavily abridged cliff notes version). So I
got dressed and went into the living room. I put on a
youtube video but I was very much in my own head,
contemplating the nature of women and men, how I could be
the best man I could be. All the misteps I had made in life,
and how they all boiled down to acting aginst my nature and
role.
My wife and all three of my children ended up in the living
room within a few hours. I felt such love for them, an urge
to give of myself: knowledge, advise, encouragement, and
materially. I saw that I was incorrect in being noncommital
when my wife asks me for a decision. "What would you like to
eat next week?" Saying "whatever you want, dear." is not the
response of the man, and not what the woman is desiring to
hear. So I gave her my response, she started planning
nutricious meals around that, and was without stress. I told
my son of how I admire him for his single minded focus and
his planning. I told my oldest daughter how good of a mother
she will be, and how excited I was (she is 5 months
pregnant). I spoke to my youngest daughter about winter
driving and asked he brother to take her out to driving in
the neighborhood on the snowy roads to impart what he has
learned of driving in these conditions.
Later we all went through my half of the bedroom closet. I
have lost 90 pounds and cannot wear most of the thing that
were in there taking up space. Each kid took garments either
for themselves or their significant other. The rest were
loaded in bags for donation. It was nice to have them all
around. My wife and I are so happpy to have them all back in
the same town/state again.
## aftermath
The first time I did a heroic dose of shrooms, it
permanently changed me. I knew that the universe was larger
and more nuanced than I had imagined after that. Doing DMT
permanently changed my psylosiban tollerance, two grams of
mushroom is now a heroic dose for me. This experience also
permanently changed me. I still feel a joy in my heart
thinking of my family. An overpowering love for my wife. A
secureness in my place and role. A knowledge of her inner
workings and with this, no irritation as in the past when
she does not perform an obvious (to me) next step. Those
next steps are my job, just as so much of what makes my life
whole are hers. She performs these things naturally, and
they make her happy. Just as the things I do by nature
likewise for her.
The Kabalion, chapter 13 says, "gender is in everything;
everything has its Masculine and Feminine Principles; Gender
manifests on all planes." Yesterday I gained deep
understanding of this hermetic principle. Denying or lack of
understanding this duality has caused me grief. I look
forward to the future, secure in my actions.
