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Title: Feline Philosophy

Author: Walter Leon Hess

Release Date: June 9, 2013 [EBook #42897]

Language: English

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 FELINE PHILOSOPHY


 BY THOMAS CAT


 RENDERED INTO ENGLISH
 BY WALTER LEON HESS


 BOSTON
 RICHARD G. BADGER
 THE GORHAM PRESS




 COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY WALTER LEON HESS

 All Rights Reserved


 Made in the United States of America

 The Gorham Press, Boston, U. S. A.




 _I have nine lives
 And a number of wives--
   But at last I must put a ban
 On feline ways
 And midnight lays
   For now I live with man!_

[Illustration]




FELINE PHILOSOPHY

BY THOMAS CAT

[Illustration]




FELINE PHILOSOPHY

BY THOMAS CAT




FIRST CATERWAUL


 The family have gone to the country,
 Horton, his wife and four children.
 They took the butler and maids, the dogs,
 The canaries and parrot. Shutters
 They put on the house and the keys
 Are turned in the locks. The silver
 Was put in the vault and everything
 Valuable carefully stowed....
                               Little Jack
 Looked well for me. But when he found me
 Was told to put me outside; a cat has no
 Place in a house that is closed for
 The summer.
             When they were sorely troubled
 With rats and mice they coaxed me to
 Come to live in the cellar. They fed
 Me richly on cream and the choicest
 Bits from their lavish table. They gave
 Me a rug to sleep, and taught the children
 To pet me. All took turns to feed me and
 They saved the bones of each fish.
                                   The
 Mice and rats disappeared; the rug
 Is filthy, in tatters. Old Horton curses
 And kicks me and kicks me down stairs when he
 Meets me; warns the baby to heed my
 Claws and the older children that
 Cats breed all sorts of diseases. Edith
 Has young men to call and "cannot abide
 The cat that is covered with ashes."
 Only Jack remembers--which reminds me
 How well I was treated. I was young when
 They found me and now have grown wise in
 Their councils.
               I have no food and no
 Lodging.

[Illustration]




SECOND CATERWAUL


 It's more than a week since I've eaten
 And my bed is made in the gutter. Well-fed
 And beggars go by and their boots are
 All alike ready as soon as they spy me.
 Jack Horton went by with his father and
 Stooped to whisper his secret. Old Horton
 Jerked his arm and urged that he'd miss
 The train. So even railroad time
 Seems relentless as the procession
 Passes over and about me. Between buying
 A new suit for his party
 And his affection
 Even young Jack had no choice.
 Now I have to hunt
 And I've eaten a sparrow for breakfast.
 I ate with infinite relish
 Though I never ate one before;
 I was starved and the murder and crime
 Were lost in my terrible necessity.
 My depravity is beginning to wear....
 I shall wander down to the river....
 I have heard Jack's father say:
 When a man falls so low as that
 He had better drown himself than--
 I've forgotten the rest; I cannot think
 In my present state of mind.




THIRD CATERWAUL


 Arrived at the wharf there was not
 Another soul in sight ... except at the very end
 Where sat a most woebegone looking Tramp
 Smoking what was once a cigar
 Of price. Half smoked it had been thrust
 In the gutter at the theater-entrance
 By a careless and prosperous merchant.
 The Tramp was very near to the edge looking out
 Over the water as blankly as a blind man.
 A man! Look at him ... and I a mere cat!
 No doubt Old Horton was right.... One leap
 Into the darkness and all gloomy thoughts,
 All trouble, like the half-finished cigar
 Would give place to beautiful dreams and
 Never-ending.... At least it cannot be much
 Worse.... No! Far better than the foul gutter
 And the murderous cravings for the unattainable.
 I shall burst my bonds and jump in.

[Illustration]




FOURTH CATERWAUL


 It gave a terrible fright when I struck
 The water. Even in filth and mud I found it more
 Pleasure to swim than to drown. How comfortable
 The gutter now seemed but my strength was
 Utterly useless.... My thoughts had been
 Less overwhelming than the murky slime that
 Would kill me ... and to sink, to be swallowed
 By fishes that had been sweet food for my palate.
 A boat came out of the darkness and a brown
 Arm folded me up from the last gasp in the river.
 It was going out to a yacht and the mate was the
 Man who rescued: "What luck with our rats and mice
 To find this bedraggled feline.... Maggie can give
 It some milk and the Master won't curse for the
 Vermin...."
               Perhaps I was born as an antidote!
 Perhaps I have no choice what to do!
 But whatever may be I shall at least do
 What is expected, the best that I can--
 How else can I expect anything?




FIFTH CATERWAUL


 Did you ever see a palace in a desert?
 Ralph Dimon was a good catch and Irene's
 Father was very rich. Low necked dress,
 Dress clothes, lace, jewelry, curtains of
 Fine brocade, mahogany panellings and
 Nickel-mountings dimmed the lights of Brough's
 Yacht and were more plentiful than the drops
 Of water that had nearly drowned me.
 As I was lifted over the side I saw the
 Two lovers lounging in the bow where there
 Were no lights; while inside the electric
 Lamps burned neglected. The wind blew a gale
 And I shivered; but comfortable surroundings
 And even diamonds would warm anybody but a
 Half drowned cat....
                         I wonder if pink ribbons
 And a silver-mounted collar would have made
 Me warmer or less hungry ... and I was most
 Interested because Irene's father never paid
 His bills without a lawsuit.... Perhaps I might
 With ribbon and collar have had food for the asking.
 But an honest cat must be kicked around
 The kitchen by Maggie. Maggie was used to it:
 "Haven't you better sense than to bring such
 Rubbish aboard, Jim? Old Brough will miss the
 Milk and there'll be the devil to pay."--And
 To think how I could rid this palace of vermin....
 But that would cost Father Brough money and
 It wouldn't show....
 Jim put me ashore ... but I was grateful!

[Illustration]




SIXTH CATERWAUL


 What a terrible contrast: from an interrupted
 Yachting trip to the garbage can! The smell
 Of the sea is sweeter but I wasn't dressed
 For it.... The lure of a square meal is sweeter
 Than the glitter of paste.
                           Think of finding a
 Half beefsteak on top of the can! There was no
 Gravy but it was cooked to perfection. I ate it
 With relish, but should have enjoyed it better
 If only some one would let me work for it--
 Especially such a meal.... And yet they say beggars
 Cannot be choosers.... I found a lot more in the can
 To eat, but the steak satisfied me.
 I was very tired; so I went to sleep beside the
 Can....
     When the collector came he took counsel of
 My presence and hunted through to see what he could
 Find of value. He looked up and down the street
 And then slipped a half-roasted-chicken into his
 Blouse; but not before casting me a look of
 Triumph.... But I never can eat two meals at a
 Sitting and chicken doesn't agree with me. Then,
 Too, even honey is nourishing, but it may give
 One indigestion.... I hope he enjoyed the chicken
 As much as I did my banquet....
                               Why, thought I, not
 Offer to stay in this house where plenty runs
 To overflowing....
                       It proved to be Brough's!

[Illustration]




SEVENTH CATERWAUL


 I prefer the street and the gutter
 To the hospitality Brough's might have offered.
 How lucky to be a cat
 Free to accept or--refuse
 What is offered!

[Illustration]




EIGHTH CATERWAUL


                     I found a door that was open.
 The grass in the entry was cut close;
 The hangings and drawing-room furniture
 Immaculate in their smug neatness. Even the
 Windows were clean and the books on the
 Shelves were well dusted. I wandered into
 The kitchen where oilcloth was spotless
 And tidy. Even the walls were fresh-papered....
 No doubt to keep the kalsomine-water
 From evaporating....
                           Table-manners in such
 A house, I fear, are more real than the eating.
 I turned about and went out lest the hairs
 In my coat might scatter.

[Illustration]




NINTH CATERWAUL


 I have been housed with Jerolamon Jones
 And his wife, whom they call "tame cat,"
 For what seems a fairly long time. Jerry
 They call him for short and short is the Bible
 He reads. Lovers they are to the world and
 To each other still more--for that is the
 Judgment that counts.... Jerry has nights
 "At the club" and loves his dear wife's
 Friends. She can always reach him by 'phone
 But she wouldn't do it for worlds as she
 Trusts him beyond cavil or guile....
 And the tame cat sits on the laps of a
 Dozen or more of his friends--but only
 When Jerry is home.
                       I followed Jerry one night
 But his club was not where he went....
 We came home exactly at twelve--and Marion
 (That was his wife) was fast asleep in the sheets.
 Fulton had kissed her that night--and of course
 She told Jerry next day.... He trusted his wife
 As she him....
                 They were playing the game
 When I left--I left because only I
 Knew how to end the farce!




TENTH CATERWAUL


 I have wandered over the city aimless and homeless,
 Hungered in mind and in body.
 Days are not irksome in sunshine
 And rain promises more when it ceases.
 But the nights are so intimate
 And the rays of one's mind
 Are perlucid.
 Like a criminal tracing his steps
 Back to the scene of iniquity,
 I found myself in Horton's neighborhood....
 But the house was still closed for the summer.

[Illustration]




ELEVENTH CATERWAUL


 Mrs. Horton's maid, Alice, came home
 With the keys. She left the window open
 When she went to the corner for food.
 I took unfair advantage--thus experience has taught me--
 Climbed in at the first opportunity.
 I hid in her bedroom--the only door that was open.
 After all I had suffered
 Perhaps Jack would come back
 And then my troubles be over.
 For the first time in months
 I slept without fear and in comfort....
 It must have been after midnight
 When Old Horton came in. It was pitch dark
 So he couldn't see me. It gave me uncanny pleasure
 To follow him. He stole up to Alice's room
 As if a hundred were watching. The door remained
 Gaping to the empty house and--me.
 Presently Alice screamed and the harrowing sound
 Frightens me even now.
 Horton went back to his room
 And the house resumed its stillness.
 I sat on the floor by his bed
 Lulled by his heavy breathing....
 Out of the darkness there gleamed
 A flash from the crack of a pistol.
 Alice was fully dressed and quietly turned on her heel;
 Left the house by the basement; walked to the corner
 And river; threw something deep in its water; then back
 To the house where she'd killed him--
 Leaving the front door open.... I followed her up to her room
 Where she undressed and went back to bed....
 Dead in his they found Horton,
 And on his tomb they inscribed:

 "A LOVING FATHER AND DEVOTED HUSBAND."

[Illustration]




TWELFTH CATERWAUL


 I've been sitting in the gutter and wondering--
 Strange dreams come to me in strange places--
 The glare of approaching motor
 Bewildered my thoughts still more.
 I saw stranger things in the shadows
 Than the glow of the lights revealed.
 And the deepest shadows
 Close behind the gleaming arcs of the motor
 Showed heads that were snuggled close.
 Edith Horton was one
 And Brough--who is married--the other.
 No matter how dark the night its shame is refulgent
 To Heaven.
 The chain of my reverie was broken
 As the lash will draw blood from the purest....
 And yet I am only a cat that was nearly
 Run over!

[Illustration]




THIRTEENTH CATERWAUL


 Jack Horton has taken me back--
 His father's boots are now mouldy.
 Edith does charity work and teaches in
 Sunday-school. Brough is the superintendent....
 The mortgage on Mallory's house
 Was foreclosed on Saturday morning.
 Mallory, wife and six children
 Were sitting out on the street,
 Their shabby trappings about them....
 A syndicate bought the house
 From Brough--his profit was ten thousand dollars.
 Brough is rolling in wealth.
 But Mallory now and Brough
 Will seem to me much more alike:
 Neither will pay his bills.
 ... But Jack is kind to me
 And Brough's not the milk
 That I drink!

[Illustration]




FOURTEENTH CATERWAUL


 When Mallory worked in the shops
 He drank up the wages he earned.
 Now that he's out of a job
 He's docile and kind to his wife
 And dawdles the baby all day.
 Old Horton used to say that Mallory
 Was a good mechanic and a bad father.
 Thus do critics fall out--Now that Old Horton
 Is dead
 He could not reverse his opinion
 Nor the marble slab on his grave.
 Joe Mallory was always Jack's chum; so Jack got after
 His friends.... Now he's delighted and proud
 For he found Mallory a job
 Which Mallory thoroughly liked and took
 For the price of giving up drink.

[Illustration]




FIFTEENTH CATERWAUL


 Edith was reading the paper
 Breakfasting on the couch
 At the foot of which I sat.
 Her face was as pale as a ghost.... She read
 Something twice out loud:
 "James Brough in the Bankruptcy Court.
 Squandered his fortune on women;
 Many society girls in his net."
 She fainted just as her mother came in; so I
 Quietly left the room....
                     And yet there is now a law
 That the lamps of motors be dimmed!

[Illustration]




SIXTEENTH CATERWAUL


 Jack and his older brother went to the wharf
 As Ralph Dimon is going abroad.
 He's going to stay for some time....
 Irene's been released
 From a very long engagement.
 Not only for mourning it seems
 That weddings are postponed.
 Irene looks dejected and weary--
 She came to see Edith this morning.
 The two are off for the mountains together....
 They say Ralph was richer than Brough.

[Illustration]




SEVENTEENTH CATERWAUL


 They are sending Jack to boarding-school--
 He debated long should he take me?
 If only I were a dog!--but grown boys
 Don't make pets of cats....
 He doesn't know why he's going away--
 But I do: Alice, the maid, is in trouble
 And Mrs. Horton is shocked--and doesn't
 Want Jack to know.

[Illustration]




EIGHTEENTH CATERWAUL


 Ever since Jack went away
 Mrs. Horton has looked after me.
 The day he left
 She came to the window
 And threw out Old Horton's boots.
 At first I thought they were thrown
 At me--but it seems that she threw them
 Wide of the window!
 When I voiced my surprise
 She hurried to me and now
 I sleep on her divan!

[Illustration]




NINETEENTH CATERWAUL


 Clarence Horton, Jerolamon Jones and a few
 Of the other young bloods had a party last night--
 Hunt breakfast they called it, I think.
 They started by talking of dogs--hounds and
 Horse-flesh and mounts. I gathered that sort of sport
 Leaves all the toil to the dogs
 And the glory and brush to the hunter.
 For this kind of thing
 They were well fit--
 And none of them went home too sober!

[Illustration]




TWENTIETH CATERWAUL


 Mrs. Horton sent Alice away--she left last night
 After dark.
 It was better the neighbors
 Shouldn't see!
 There was no reason therefore
 To send poor Jack away!--
 Perhaps it was just as well?
 Mrs. Horton wouldn't have Alice around
 Lest it embarrass Edith and--her....
 I followed Alice some way and she seemed
 Quite cheerful enough.
 Waiting is much the same
 No matter what one expects.

[Illustration]




TWENTY-FIRST CATERWAUL


 Brough is through with the Courts
 And continues to ride in his car.
 He called for Edith last night
 When Mrs. Horton was out--she had gone
 To the hospital where Alice was
 Supposed to have gone....
                         Brough's chauffeur
 Isn't paid but it's the only way to get what
 One wants--to keep right on
 Especially when fishing for eels!
 Brough is a financier--the rest of us
 Only fish!

[Illustration]




TWENTY-SECOND CATERWAUL


 In my morning stroll I found
 The Jerolamon Jones' door stood open;
 I looked about and went in
 But received a scanty welcome--
 Indeed I was promptly chased out
 By the maid.
 This afternoon Mrs. Jones called
 To beg Mrs. Horton
 To loan her the valuable cat
 As the maid had discovered
 A mouse.
 Thus do values increase
 And appreciation follow apace!

[Illustration]




TWENTY-THIRD CATERWAUL


 The maid that had chased me out
 Fondled me as she carried me over
 Till my fur bristled....
                           The mice have
 Disappeared--I finished as luncheon was served,
 And sat by the serving-table.
 But the Joneses all ate so much
 That I wasn't even noticed--and when I was,
 They sent me back to the Horton's
 At once....
             Mrs. Horton fed me herself!

[Illustration]




TWENTY-FOURTH CATERWAUL


 I saw the maid, Alice, last night;
 She was wandering near the bright lights
 And the carnivorous shadows--Shadows
 That burned to my soul as I saw her
 Speak to a man. They went down the street
 Together, the veil of darkness hid them,
 And when I got home Mrs. Horton
 Was telling a friend that "Alice
 Was lost beyond any redemption; at any rate
 She herself could no longer help!"--
 What problems beset our family!

[Illustration]




TWENTY-FIFTH CATERWAUL


 Jack was home for Christmas
 But I saw him hardly at all--
 To the front door he now has a key
 And the hours he keeps are quite varied.
 One morning he slept very late
 And the name that he spoke in his dreams
 Was "Alice."
 Mrs. Horton was proud of her son and the party
 She gave him was sumptuous.

[Illustration]




TWENTY-SIXTH CATERWAUL


 We have a new cook at the Horton's
 Who saves the bean water for soup....
 I've enjoyed such broth at the Mallory's,
 But at the Horton's!!!--
 And their bills are always as large
 As before Bridget was installed.
 But Edith and Mrs. Horton are pleased
 And the baby and I can't complain!!

[Illustration]




TWENTY-SEVENTH CATERWAUL


 There's a new baby at the Mallory's
 And the rest of the children are pleased;
 Mallory and his wife are as happy as larks....
 Edith Horton has a toy Angora
 And Mrs. Horton has forgotten me--
 Indeed she has put me out....
 Again I must wander the streets!

[Illustration]




TWENTY-EIGHTH CATERWAUL


 I followed Alice last night
 Down to her alley and room--
 She stooped as she entered her door
 And petted me much as she used to....
 Then she cuddled her baby and seemed
 Far fonder of it than Mrs. Horton of hers
 And nearly as much
 As Edith of her angora....

[Illustration]




TWENTY-NINTH CATERWAUL


 I sat on the curb at the corner
 Just outside the saloon
 Where politics rule and
 Presidents are made and unmade.
 Two men were discussing the War....
 And when they were through, the conclusion
 Was discussion untempered by argument....
 Unconvinced I went on my way.

[Illustration]




THIRTIETH CATERWAUL


 All afternoon I sat in the shade
 Of a hideous skyscraper
 On the Avenue.
 Women of all sorts went by
 And their footgear and stockings
 Were varied.
 Skirts that our grandmothers used
 To clothe five- and ten-year-old girlies
 Revealed twelve inches of hose--
 Nor the three-shade boots that shod them
 Would help a Chinaman guess
 The age of the wearers who proudly
 Boasted this awful foundation....
 And yet are most of the women
 Sweet-souled and modest....
 I polished my claws once again!

[Illustration]




THIRTY-FIRST CATERWAUL


 I looked in at the restaurant window
 Through which gleamed a medley of color--
 Diamonds, pearl pendants and rubies,
 And ruby and gold was the wine
 Blazing first in glasses rich-stemmed,
 Then blazoned bright in the glances
 Of women;
 Some with their husbands and fathers,
 Others leering and brazen--
 But my milk tasted sweeter
 Next morning, for to the poor
 All things are pure!

[Illustration]




THIRTY-SECOND CATERWAUL


 I hadn't eaten for hours
 And all the house doors were shut--
 The heat of the sun was oppressive
 So I languished in the shade,
 Though my appetite was appalling....
 Beside there were plenty of sparrows
 Ready to eat when I chose to....
 But when the sun was gone,
 So were the sparrows!

[Illustration]




THIRTY-THIRD CATERWAUL


 The Mallorys have taken me in....
 Mallory says: one more to feed....
 But the children like it to play
 And it looks like Horton's old cat
 So it's certain to be a good one....
 Even if discarded.

[Illustration]




THIRTY-FOURTH CATERWAUL


 Mrs. Mallory read from the paper
 Where wise ones answer fool's queries
 And this was one of the questions:
 Is it possible a woman
 Who has bitten her nails all her life
 Since first she had teeth
 Could so cause her baby
 The affliction of two thumbs on one hand?...
 Did they ever think that of cats?

[Illustration]




THIRTY-FIFTH CATERWAUL


 If we really had nine lives,
 None akin to the others
 And all the hopes of each life
 Were answered in the next,
 Perhaps a cat's existence would
 Still be unsatisfactory?

[Illustration]




THIRTY-SIXTH CATERWAUL


 Joe Mallory told Jack about Alice--
 At least of her fate.
 Jack found her address
 And wanted to help....
 And yet there are some
 Who believe heredity infallible!

[Illustration]




THIRTY-SEVENTH CATERWAUL


 While Jack tried to smother
 Alice's wild burning fires
 Joe never obtruded--
 But when Jack was not watching
 Joe brought more wood
 To the kindling....
 Still they were friends.

[Illustration]




THIRTY-EIGHTH CATERWAUL


 You should have read Brough's
 Obituary.... He died
 When he'd rescued a fortune
 By making hardware and debts:
 ... MOST RESPECTED MERCHANT ...
 PHILANTHROPIST.... Loss to
 The Community ... and over a
 Dozen "Resolved's."
 The Merchants' Club framed his picture.
 And to think
 Generations of men proudly
 Will claim his descent!

[Illustration]




THIRTY-NINTH CATERWAUL


 Edith Horton is married--
 (Joe Mallory went to the wedding)--
 Many a thorn-edge is dulled
 By brushing it by in a hurry....
 And roses often change hue
 Between the bright sun and the limelight.

[Illustration]




FORTIETH CATERWAUL


 I watched a man cranking his motor.
 It stalled....
 He tinkered with levers
 Till he gave it up in despair
 And stood disconsolate staring.
 When he cranked it again
 It started so quickly
 That it raised the hair of my coat.

[Illustration]




FORTY-FIRST CATERWAUL


 Jones' collie and Mallory's hound
 Were discussing a new-found bone
 With vicious snarling and snapping
 And other unseemly behaviour....
 On the fence above them I sat
 Distressed....
 Neither dared touch the prize....
 Nor would either allow the other.
 Then Jerry and Joe both whistled....
 The bone lies forgotten and wasted.

[Illustration]




FORTY-SECOND CATERWAUL


 It grew very warm in the house,
 The Mallorys mopping and sweating--
 Perspiration is fuel for temper--
 Even I couldn't stand the heat
 Nor tell them no windows were open....
 But cats are always too obvious;
 So I went out for a walk.

[Illustration]




FORTY-THIRD CATERWAUL


 Alice is dead of consumption....
 All Jack's efforts were useless;
 Disconsolate he tried to comfort
 The last of her wasted moments....
 "God will forgive you," he whispered....
 Yet who is the judge of the Damned?--
 And Joe is much disappointed
 Though he feels he may have hurried
 Alice's end.... I wonder
 What I repent?--or is it only
 Regret?

[Illustration]




FORTY-FOURTH CATERWAUL


 All my life I have studied
 The passerby-faces
 And known them....
 Sometimes they noticed me;
 Others more often seemed
 Unconscious I saw them.
 I wondered what they were thinking....
 Or had they no thoughts
 But like wax that responds
 To momentary impressions?
 I'm sure I read all the faces....
 Did I know them--
 Except when they kicked me
 Or petted?

[Illustration]




FORTY-FIFTH CATERWAUL


 At last I have to confess
 That all my judgment is blinded!
 Jack and Joe are now partners,
 Croesus and Job united
 In one homogeneous effort....
 And yet my kind make nights hideous
 By howling continuous calamity!

[Illustration]




FORTY-SIXTH CATERWAUL


 Now that the Mallorys have money
 They haven't changed the brand
 Of my milk nor their butcher.
 They wear more clothes
 And better; but they still
 Continue to pet me.

[Illustration]




FORTY-SEVENTH CATERWAUL


 Joe sent Pat Mallory through college;
 Up there Pat says that his father
 Is Superintendent of power--
 Old Mallory's just a plain foreman--
 But Pat still with reason
 Differs
 From the verdict given by Horton,
 For Pat still worships his father,
 And still calls me
 Poor old Cat....

[Illustration]




FORTY-EIGHTH CATERWAUL


 I heard Pat talking of college--
 Some of Pat's friends have been visiting--
 I wondered what they were learning!
 Pat is surely improving.
 Still Joe would always have prospered
 In or out of a college--
 And yet I shall always be
 Just a cat.

[Illustration]




FORTY-NINTH CATERWAUL


 I've watched in the rain and snow
 Sunshine and cloudy weather
 For any change in my spirit;
 But whether I've eaten a fish
 Or had just a drink of milk,--
 Only that I found made
 A difference.

[Illustration]




FIFTIETH CATERWAUL


 Go on with your work--
 Patient Stranger!
 I've told you enough of my
 Wanderings.
 The Mallorys are troubled with mice
 And never close house for the summer!

[Illustration]






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