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Santa Claus Confronts Climate Change [1]
['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']
Date: 2023-12-24
This little poem was written a few years ago, on a day when temperatures in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada on Christmas Eve were well above freezing and many people were wearing T-shirts outdoors. At the time, the sight was surreal; but it may soon become quite familiar.
‘Twas the night before Xmas
And all though my room
Not a creature was stirring,
‘Twas just like a tomb.
My clothing was thrown
On my floor with great care,
In the hopes it would hide
My foul underwear.
And I with my jammies
And bottle of booze
Had just fallen down
For a long, peaceful snooze.
When out in the yard
There arose such a roar,
That I sprang from my bed
And fell flat on the floor.
Away to my window
I flew like a plane,
Tore open the curtains
And looked through the pane.
And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear?
But a red-suited guy
In a sleigh drawing near!
It had to be Santa,
I knew in my bones!
The reindeer were missing,
The sleigh pulled by drones!
(I now know the reason
For absent reindeer:
They all joined a union,
Claus fired them last year.)
Much faster than prudent
The sleigh made descent.
To land in the street
Seemed to be the intent.
As Santa drew closer,
He yelled, “Ho, ho, ho!”
Then “Dammit, abort!!
Where the f*** is the SNOW??”
Too late to change course,
Sleigh runners did meet
The snow-free cement
Of a paved city street.
Oh, did the sparks fly
As the runners touched down!
Santa’s foul curses
Were heard throughout town.
The sleigh finally stopped,
Mr. C threw a fit.
He jumped from his ride
Screaming, “WHAT IS THIS S***??
It’s spozed to be winter!”
The bearded one howled.
“I’m drivin’ a sleigh,
For cryin’ out loud!
But where is the snow?
It’s sixteen degrees!”
(That’s sixty-one, measured in
Fahrenheit, please.)
“My runners won’t slide
On this dry f***ing road!
How can I get the speed
To take off with my load?
Well, this is just GREAT!”
He ranted out loud.
And soon he found he
Was attracting a crowd.
“You people,” he yelled
To the crowd that had come,
“You a**holes are morons!
Oh, s***, are you dumb!
You messed up your climate,
So what do you say?
You had a nice planet,
You p***ed it away!”
The crowd was nonplussed
By this crazy old man,
The cops soon arrived
To put him in a van.
And I heard him exclaim
As they drove from the scene,
“Christmas should never be
This f***ing green!”
[END]
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