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Cheers and Jeers: Monday [1]
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Date: 2023-12-18
C&J Goes A' Caroling... Cold Jail Cell (with apologies to “White Christmas”) I'm dreaming of a cold jail cell For Trump and all his fascist rats Where the cots are lumpy The cellmate's jumpy And time goes by oh-so-slow I'm dreaming of a cold jail cell With every sentence judges write May their days be scary, not bright And may all their prison duds be tight. Continued...
Biden Jobs (Apologies to ”Jingle Bells”) A day or two ago, I watched the evening news And it was all so bad, I turned to drugs and booze Inflation, crime and woe, were all they talked about They left out all the happy stuff it made me want to shout. Oh! Biden jobs! Biden jobs! Millions hired this year! GDP is five-point-three that's reason for some cheer. Hey! Biden jobs! Biden jobs! Paychecks growing large Always lots of hiring with Democrats in charge. - Rudy the Shit-faced Lawyer (Apologies to Rudolph) Rudy the shit-faced lawyer Lost a defamation case And in the D.C. courtroom Hair dye trickled down his face. All of the other lawyers Knew he wouldn't take the blame They knew that shit-faced Rudy Didn't have an ounce of shame. On that foggy Friday eve Jurors came to say: "Rudy with your dye-smeared head You'll be paying 'til you're dead." Then all the pundits mocked him As they shouted on TV: "Rudy the shit-faced lawyer You're a stain on history."
[Drops mic]
[Throws underpants at audience]
[Gets ushered out of nursing home for terrorizing the residents]
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, December 18, 2023
Note: Those who have to work on Christmas, we salute you. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
13 days!!!
Weeks 'til Christmas: 1
Days 'til the New Year's Eve Celebration in Anchorage, Alaska: 13
Current unemployment rate: 3.7%
Consecutive months the unemployment rate has been under 4 percent: 26
Initial unemployment claims announced last week, down 19,000 from the previous week and still the lowest since 1970: 202,000
Estimated drop in coal demand in the U.S. and European Union this year, according to the IEA: -20%
Percent chance that if you haven't got a penny a ha'penny will do: 93% (Up from 92% last year. And god bless you.)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Happy to see you...
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CHEERS to the road ahead: 2024 election edition. Friday evening, Saint Marc Elias at Democracy Docket, an organization that's kryptonite to right-wing vote suppressors, delivered a stocking full of good news in his daily email blast. Some good stuff here:
✔ A Minnesota judge dismissed a lawsuit challenging a new state law that restores voting rights to people convicted of a felony upon release from incarceration. A conservative group argued the law violated the state constitution. The law remains in place. When you’re done voting, give yourself a hand. ✔ The 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals rejected Louisiana's request to reconsider the right of private parties to sue to enforce Section 2 of the Voting Rights Act. Had the Circuit accepted Louisiana's request, it could have severely weakened enforcement of the Voting Rights Act. ✔ The Kansas Supreme Court ruled that a lower court must hear a challenge to a state law that organizations say makes it harder for them to conduct voter registration. The lawsuit alleges that the law violates the state constitution.
Meanwhile, on the MAGA side of the ledger: "Alabama Senator Katie Britt (R) introduced legislation to prevent noncitizens from voting in federal elections, despite the fact that the practice is already illegal." When informed of that fact, Senator Britt replied, "Yeah, but it should be doubly illegal. Them noncitizens is sneaky."
JEERS to going lower than low. Rudy “The truth is not the truth!” Giuliani, one of a string of oddballs who once sat on the throne in the New York City mayor's mansion, should've been sent off for psychological treatment long ago. But he wasn't, and his downward spiral saw him eagerly take the plunge down the MAGA rathole, sending him on a personal crusade of crime and depravity. But on Friday a chunk of payback hit him in his hair-dyed head when a federal jury forced him to pay $148 million for defaming a pair of Georgia election workers. Now the question everyone's asking is: will he have to pay up? Well…
Ryan Goodman, a former special counsel at the Department of Defense, told [CNN's Erin] Burnett that it’s likely the election workers will collect only “a fraction” of the awarded amount. … “But I do think maybe they will collect millions. It depends on what his assets are,” he said. Time to raid your son’s piggy bank, Sport. Even if Giuliani were to declare bankruptcy, Goodman told Burnett that “the judgment in all likelihood is independent” and the former mayor “will have to pay them in any case. He’s in trouble and it’s only a question of how many assets he has."
As they say: to be continued…
JEERS to lame attempts at swaying the tin-foil hat crowd. 54 years ago this week, in 1969, the U.S. Air Force closed its Project "Blue Book" by concluding there was no evidence of extraterrestrial spaceships behind the thousands of UFO sightings they'd investigated:
The Air Force supplies the following summary of its investigations: 1) No UFO reported, investigated, and evaluated by the Air Force was ever an indication of threat to our national security; 2) There was no evidence submitted to or discovered by the Air Force that sightings categorized as "unidentified" represented technological developments or principles beyond the range of modern scientific knowledge; and This is the only case that’s still open. Devin Nunes is on it like glue. 3) There was no evidence indicating that sightings categorized as "unidentified" were extraterrestrial vehicles.
It might have been more credible if the spokesperson delivering the news, Captain Blurp Oorksplorg, hadn't been speaking out of his elbow tentacle.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x The Great Pyramid of Giza seen from above.
📸: Alexander Ladanivskyypic.twitter.com/HwwtXvz2Go — Wonder of Science (@wonderofscience) December 14, 2023
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to Springsteen's turf. Happy anniversary, New Jersey, where the official dinosaur is the Hadrosaurus Foulkii, the official shell is the knobbed whelk, and the official color is spray-on orange. You became our third state on December 18, 1787. I looked it up, and the traditional gift for year 236—same as years 1 though 235—is “bling.” Plus: be sure to enjoy the gift of giving New York the finger this morning. I mean, why mess with a daily ritual just because it’s your birthday?
CHEERS to that little scamp on popemobile wheels. A slightly-belated "Happy Birthday" (and many blessings on your camels) to rock ‘em sock ’em Pope Francis.
Beep Beep.
He turned 87 yesterday. Honest to His Boss, I never thought a pope would ever win our Friday "Who Won the Week" poll, let alone six times, but Francis had the magic touch for a couple years running (though not this year). He's not about to un-tether the Catholic church from the old ways, but at least he's opening discussions on contentious issues (climate change, the widening wealth gap) and has ditched a lot of the fire-and-brimstone rhetoric of his predecessors. I didn’t know what to get him for a present, so I went to the CVS across the street, closed my eyes, spun myself around, opened my eyes back up and bought whatever thing I was pointing at. I hope he enjoys this extra-large bottle of—[squints]—horny goat weed.
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 18, 2013
CHEERS to the extended outlook. Apparently there was some concern that the winter Olympics in Sochi—which get underway in 51 days—might be plagued by a lack of snow. Not to worry, say organizers:
Sochi will have enough snow for the Winter Olympics in February, Russia's chief weather forecaster vowed Friday. Concerns about a snowless Olympics were raised after two test events in Sochi had to be cancelled last February because of a lack of snow or rainy weather. The resort city on the Black Sea is the only sub-tropical region of Russia.
Meanwhile, the official U.S. delegation to Sochi has been announced—no Obamas or Bidens on the list, but apparently there's a plethora of famous gay people. It's almost like the White House is trying to send a message: "Heads-up, Putin—we're coming to re-decorate."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to staying abreast (and a wing and a thigh) of things. Tis the season to take advantage of a unique way to fill the house with the aroma of a dumpster behind a chicken joint. Perhaps after noticing the success of Burger King's "Flame" body spray—or perhaps after taking one too many bong hits—KFC decided it would be a swell idea to ring in the holidays with a five-pound fried chicken-scented firelog for the low, low price of only 33 bucks:
Makes a great gift for everyone on your holiday list who has an obsession with burning Harland Sanders in effigy.
But with postal service so unreliable these days (why hasn’t Louis DeJoy been returned to sender yet?), I think we'll just go buy a bucket of the Colonel's finest, stick it in the middle of our living room, and set a match to it. And once the holidays are over, KFC can go back to focusing on what they're best at selling: atherosclerosis with 11 herbs and spices.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial “For anybody to question Bill in Portland Maine is actually kind of sickening. We’re talking about one of the finest human beings I have ever been around, but that’s the climate that we live in." —Steve Kerr
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[END]
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