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Cheers and Jeers: Thursday [1]
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Date: 2023-11-16
It’s An Early Festivus Miracle!
The Daily Show delivers news of a medical breakthrough in the treatment of Frownington’s Disease worthy of all the Nobel Prizes:
x Doctors have high hopes that Ron DeSantis will smile normally one day pic.twitter.com/RMlKX7zn7N — The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) November 15, 2023
As for a cure to treat his chronic case of Soulless Prickitis? Don’t hold your breath.
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, November 16, 2023
Note: C&J is now taking pre-orders for the deluxe edition of today's column, which contains exclusive adjectives from Bill in Portland Maine's personal collection, plus real peanut butter and jelly smudges and a certificate of authenticity. To order yours, please send a new Mercedes convertible to his house, along with $5.95 to cover postage and handling. Allow 4-6 weeks for shipping. Money back if you're not delighted. But we get to keep the Mercedes.
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til President Biden's birthday: 4
Days 'til the Wood Memorial Library Gingerbread House Festival in South Windsor, Connecticut: 8
Percent chance that non-union carmakers Toyota, Honda and Hyundai all announced raises for their U.S. factory workers in the wake of the UAW's deal with the Big 3: 100%
Size of the immediate pay raise UAW members will get from their deal: 11%
Percent increase in the number of international students in the U.S. in the 2022-23 academic year, the largest one-year increase in more than 40 years: 12%
Revenue from Trump's Truth Social platform since it launched early last year: $3.7 million
Truth Social financial losses in the same period: $73 million
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Meanwhile, the Bush administration is so hopelessly confounded by the problems of secrecy, it has now fired a CIA agent for allegedly leaking the truth concerning a gulag of “black site” prisons we keep in Eastern Europe (remember when only the Soviets did that?). And of course Bush claims he has the right to instantly declassify anything to back up a phony charge against a political opponent. How lovely. I listened to that pompous, self-righteous blowhard Bill Bennett saying the other day that several reporters who won Pulitzers this year should be in jail. I guess the responsibility of being the Virtue Czar has finally driven Bennett daffy. If he can’t see that the problem is an administration that runs torture programs, gulags, and illegal domestic spying programs, rather than reporters who find out about these programs and print the truth, then I say it’s time for a new Virtue Czar. [Reporter] Jack Anderson was right: The people in government work for us. What they do is our responsibility because they do it in our name and with our money—that’s why we have a right to know about it. The other day I heard a young man say, “I have an issue with torture.” Turns out he was offended by some scenes in a movie he’d been to. I have an issue with torture, too. I get upset when it’s real and it’s my country doing it. I guess I wouldn’t make a good Virtue Czar. —May, 2006
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Sour playmate…
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CHEERS to an early Christmas. The House Freedom Caucus, made up entirely of irredeemable Scrooges, made it their life's mission to shut down the government and make the end of 2023 the un-jolliest time in American history. Carnage and chaos were in their grasp—all they had to do was vote in lockstep to default on the federal debt and destroy America's reputation as the financial rock of the modern world. "Not so fast," said the greatest patriots the country had ever seen. And with their votes, 209 DEMOCRATS saved the day:
The House approved a bill Tuesday that would avert a government shutdown, sending the measure next to the Senate, where it is expected to pass. Minority Leader Jeffries proves again that he’s the real House Speaker. The “laddered” continuing resolution, or CR, will fund parts of the government until Jan. 19 and others until Feb. 2. Once it is approved by the Senate, the bill goes to President Joe Biden, who has signaled he is open to signing it.
And the 93 Republicans who voted against freedom and prosperity? They'll be getting coal in their stockings this year…which they'll grind into tiny nuggets with a cheese grater and then sprinkle on their food as anticipatory drool drips down their chin. Because they're weird.
CHEERS to Bidenomics in action. Going down our checklist: Low unemployment? (Check.) Unions making major gains on wages and benefits? (Check.) Personal income up? (Check.) America's infrastructure and tech sectors expanding? (Check.) Green energy initiatives fueling economic growth? (Check.) Gas prices down? (Check.) And the big one: inflation in check? Let's check:
US wholesale inflation cooled off in October, reversing a three-month trend that had seen the cost of energy push up prices, according to data released Wednesday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics. The Producer Price Index, which measures the average price changes that businesses pay to suppliers, fell 0.5% on a monthly basis. It’s the largest monthly drop since April 2020, when the rapidly spreading Covid-19 virus caused a sharp economic contraction. October’s decline also marks a sharp turnabout from the 0.4% monthly jump in September, when food and energy prices raised the cost of goods: Energy prices fell 6.5% in October from the previous month, with gasoline sinking 15.3%, contributing to a 1.4% drop in goods inflation.
Bottom line: at this rate we're gonna need to order more checks.
CHEERS to TIME. On this date 25 years ago, in 1998, the magazine provided lengthy coverage of the spectacular implosion and resignation of House Speaker Newt Gingrich. Margaret Carlson sums up that blissful week:
Friday was the day he died a Washington death, stripping himself of power and becoming in that instant just a guy in a suburban tract house in Marietta, Ga., carrying out the trash. We all should have seen his resignation coming when, on Tuesday night, he came out swinging at the media, blaming them for his party's shellacking. With Nixonian petulance, he rejected suggestions that his party tanked because he had put all its eggs in Monica's basket. Well, the media charge is laughably bogus. Yet what else is there to do but grasp at scapegoats when, in the blink of an eye, the discussion moves from "Can Clinton Survive?" to whether you can?
And today isn't a federal holiday because...???
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to home where the buffalo roam. Happy Birthday, Oklahoma! The "Hey, that state looks like a skillet!" state officially nabbed the 46th star on the flag 116 years ago today. Fun facts: the state animal is the buffalo, the state insect is the honey bee, and the state flower is the Oklahoma rose, which is quite lovely:
Also: the state rock is "rose barite," which you'll find in the greatest abundance, as usual, between state dinosaur Jim Inhofe's ears. (Hey, you go for the easy layups where you can get ‘em.)
CHEERS to mending fences. The task for President Biden and Chinese President Xi was straightforward and urgent: kum by yah, you two, or we're turning this planet around:
[R]elations between the U.S. and China have soured in ways that elevate the risk of an unwanted confrontation, U.S. officials said. As an example, when the Biden administration shot down a Chinese spy balloon that flew across the United States in February, the Pentagon had no one in China to contact because Beijing had closed an important military communications channel, a senior Biden administration official told reporters Tuesday while previewing the Biden-Xi meeting.
I was busy all day yesterday watching reruns of Merv Griffin, so I'm not sure how it turned out. I'll assume the two leaders warmly embraced, cleared up all the confusion, holstered their shootin' irons, and made the world a safer and happier place. And, oh man, George Burns was hysterical when he said that thing to Merv about cigars.
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 16, 2013
CHEERS to progress sealed in indelible ink. 'ohana, yo!!! Hawaii Governor Neil Abercrombie celebrated a major win in his fight for LGBT equality in the Book 'Em Danno State by signing a marriage equality bill into…Gimme an L!...Gimme an A!...Gimme a W! What's that spell ??? (Um…it’s a three-letter word, I think you can figure it out yourself.) Anyway, Hawaii scooped Illinois to become the 15th state in which same-sex couples can marry:
Sen. Clayton Hee (D, Heeia-Laie-Waialua), the chairman of the Senate Judiciary and Labor Committee who steered the bill through the special session of the Legislature, told the crowd, "I could have never imagined playing a role in such a profound yet, in my mind, such a simple thing to do: Bring justice and equality to all of us."
A bit of advice from one whose state passed marriage-equality last year: don’t panic when the sky falls. The treetops hold it up real nice once it settles. Think of it as an equality tarp.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the playthings of our lives. Lost in all the hubbub over the elections and Republicans fighting in Congress is this major breaking news. I'm speaking, of course, about the 2023 inductees into the National Toy Hall of Fame. Instead of the usual three, there are four winners this year:
Baseball Cards Through the decades, kids and adults alike have collected baseball cards for the thrill of possessing images of their favorite players—or trying to collect a pricey rarity. Baseball cards are used in card trading and schoolyard bartering, as well as other flipping games. For some, they become a playful add-on to bicycle spokes, generating a fun and memorable “click” for the rider. Another worthy class. Cabbage Patch Kids Launched in 1979, they offered American children a soft, cuddly playmate in a world of hard toys and cold electronics. They became the must-have holiday toy of 1983 and generated massive demand, paving the way for later holiday crazes around Tickle Elmo, Beanie Babies, and Furby Fisher-Price Corn Popper Inventor Arthur Holt sold his Corn Popper design to Fisher-Price in 1957. With its plastic dome filled with gumball-sized balls, the Corn Popper has motivated millions of children to navigate their first steps. NERF: Introduced in the 1960s as a foam ball harmless enough to throw indoors, NERF toys have evolved into a line of blasters that shoot harmless foam darts for outdoor fun that encourages physical exertion, social interactions, and strategic thinking for little and big kids alike.
I’d like to dedicate this year’s toys to the Republican party’s performance in last week's elections. Using arguments as pointlessly noisy as a corn popper that landed in voters’ minds with all the force of a NERF ball, they ended up sounding as stale as the bubble gum that comes in a pack of baseball cards and got tossed around like Cabbage Patch dolls by the Democrats. And we all lived happily ever after.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial "Like most reasonable BiPM-ericans, I hopped on Daily Kos the moment his new Cheers and Jeers dropped this morning, prepared to give the blog star more of all of my money. Then the site crashed. It was down an hour and I spent that time calmly shouting: AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! —Rex Huppke
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