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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday [1]
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Date: 2023-05-17
We wanted a president who maintains strong relationships with our allies. We got one. We wanted a president who stands up to our fascist adversaries. We got one. We wanted a president who doesn't rage tweet around the clock. We got one. We wanted a president who didn’t abuse his power. We got one. Bonus: doesn’t throw ketchup at the walls. We wanted a president who takes climate change seriously. We got one. We wanted a president who fully supports LGBTQ equality. We got one. We wanted a president who would make the federal government functional again. We got one. We wanted a president who fully believes in public education. We got one. We wanted a president who doesn't force his religion down our throat, but still takes his own seriously. We got one. We wanted a president who would sign into law an assault weapons ban and expanded voter/election protections if such bills landed on his desk. We got one. We wanted a president who practices honesty, decency, and humility. We got one.
Sometimes I just need a little reminder. Every week with Biden at the helm, the republic endures.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 17, 2023
Note: I just signed up for AAA. They're running a special now where you get free Bufonidae service at no extra charge. It's perfect for anyone who wants to be prepared in case they ever need their toad towed.
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3 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til summer: 35
Days 'til the annual Kentucky Sheep & Fiber Festival in Lexington: 3
Length of the Colombian "narco sub"—the largest undersea criminal vessel captured so far—which was found carrying three tons of cocaine: 100 feet
Average price of a new vehicle as of April: $48,000
Average auto loan payment, thanks in part to an average interest rate of 7 percent: $729
Rate of inflation in Argentina: 115%
Number of musicians in the orchestra when composer Alexander Courage conducted his original theme for Star Trek 57 years ago: 25
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 185 (including 3 tribulation temples and 1 “Soon Return” of the Lord). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: If I must be subjected to this vile pun, then so must you…
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CHEERS and JEERS to the morning after. There were elections—primaries and specials—in several states yesterday, and all eyes were focused especially on Pennsylvania and Kentucky. I can report the following:
I can report absolutely nothing. Why? Because the last time I reported election stuff, the JEALOUS Daily Kos Elections Team, led by BULLY DAVID NIR, turned me upside down and stuck my head in a toilet and flushed. And while the sensation wasn't entirely unpleasant, I think the symbolism of the act was outrageous, embarrassing, and messy. Police! Police! Arrest those election analyzer bullies! So, fine. If they want to hog all the elections reporting, FINE. Let them do it. I'll just sit here and enjoy my morning Grape Nuts and Schlitz in peace. Again, I'd tell you how everything—EVERYTHING—turned out in the minutest of detail, but I don’t want BULLY DAVID NIR and his DAILY KOS ELECTIONS GANG to stuff me in a garbage can or, worse, sign me up for an account at Truth Social. I'm done with election reporting. They ain't worth the pain of the mother that bore me and that's that.
Congrats to all the winners! Please read all about ‘em over at Daily Kos Elections. Or they’ll give me a purple nurple.
JEERS to ending with a whimper. If it's a Republican investigation, you can count on one thing: it's going to be a bust. So it's hardly surprising that the eagerly—[yawn]—anticipated Durham Report, which was going to expose the nefarious "deep state" plot to destroy the 2016 presidential campaign of Donald Trump, turned out to be just a deep pile of crap:
Special counsel John Durham found no evidence that the US justice department and the FBI conspired in a deep-state plot to investigate Donald Trump’s ties to Russia in 2016,though the report released on Monday found that the FBI’s handling of key aspects of the case was deficient. […] Takes his place next to Ken Starr in the Human Anal Probe Hall of Fame. Much of the criticism of the FBI in the roughly 300-page report was already known when the justice department inspector general issued its own report, which raised similar concerns but ultimately concluded that the FBI investigation into Trump was justified.
What happens now? According to Marjorie Taylor-Greene, the Durham Report, which covers up many won-ton killings, will be placed in a peach tree dish and the gazpacho police led by George Soros (inhabited by the ghost of JFK Jr.) will use a Jewish space laser to vaporize it. We’ll probably need to investigate that, too. Someone get Durham on the phone.
CHEERS to today's Kum By Yah Moment. Sixty-nine years ago the U.S. Supreme Court—back when it had a shred of legitimacy—handed down its 9-0 opinion in Brown vs. Board of Education, ending racial segregation in public schools:
The U.S. Supreme Court decision in Brown v. Board of Education (1954) is one of the most pivotal opinions ever rendered by that body. This landmark decision highlights the U.S. Supreme Court’s role in affecting changes in national and social policy. […] Historic win for Thurgood Marshall. Meanwhile, it’s considered a historic win for Clarence Thomas when he arrives at work wearing matching socks. In December, 1952, the U.S. Supreme Court had on its docket cases from Kansas, Delaware, the District of Columbia, South Carolina, and Virginia, all of which challenged the constitutionality of racial segregation in public schools. The U.S. Supreme Court had consolidated these five cases under one name, Oliver Brown et al. v. the Board of Education of Topeka. One of the justices later explained that the U.S. Supreme Court felt it was better to have representative cases from different parts of the country. They decided to put Brown first “so that the whole question would not smack of being a purely Southern one.”
I'd like to say it was smooth sailing ever since, but unfortunately today we're dealing with a problem just as bad: Republicans vs. all the Boards of Education.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x from the ashes, a hero rises pic.twitter.com/EK9FdOXiHO — abby (@abby4thepeople) May 14, 2023
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia, and Biphobia 2023. Since our previous president had no intention of devoting even a millisecond to this occasion, it's a little jarring to come face to face with a reminder of what it looks like when a compassionate, equality-minded grownup occupies the most powerful office in the world:
x "To all the transgender Americans watching at home – especially the young people who are so brave – I want you to know that your president has your back." - @POTUS #JointAddress pic.twitter.com/QlF07i4FTq — Human Rights Campaign (@HRC) April 29, 2021
One smart thing the Obama administration did was release this 2015 White House fact sheet on actions taken by the Executive Branch on behalf of the LGBT community. The Trumpbots wasted no time trying to un-do as many of them as they could, but at least we have a blueprint for un-un-doing it, and Joe Biden's doing his best. Just don't forget to turn on the right lights in 15 days when Pride Month starts, Mr. President...
Hell, they look so purty you should just leave ‘em on all the time.
CHEERS to the end of eggsasperation. Oviously, I thought my partner Michael was just yoking yesterday hen he eggsed me why egg prices had dropped so much lately. Scrambling for an answer, I drove my coop to the internet, where all the king's horses and all the king's men eggsplained:
While improved avian flu situation has increased egg supply, the consumer demand is also slipping. I asked this eggspert to explain the different exterior colors of eggs, and he replied, “Oh, goodness, where shell I start?” One reason: Shoppers responded to high egg prices by buying less. When prices were shooting up, “everybody and their brother had a story about what egg prices were doing,” said Amy Smith, vice president at Advanced Economic Solutions, a consulting firm. Headlines aside, shoppers’ demand for eggs typically drops in late spring, experts say. “This is the time of year where demand cools off a little bit,” said Brian Earnest, lead economist for animal protein in CoBank.
I later confirmed the above with a gang of poachers. But that's enough knowledge for today. Now that we all know what’s going on, we can get on to living our normal eggsistence. Because, frankly, I've had un oeuf.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 17, 2013
CHEERS to changing horses in mid-stream. I hope this is the start of a trend, because there's just no question anymore that the Republican party may talk about openness and big-tentiness, but in practice they're still the same old gaggle of ever-angrier white people upset over having to share our republic with "those people." So kudos to Florida GOP Hispanic Outreach Director Pablo Pantoja for jumping ship and joining Team Democrat:
"It doesn't take much to see the culture of intolerance surrounding the Republican Party today. I have wondered before about the seemingly harsh undertones about immigrants and others. Look no further; a well-known organization recently confirms the intolerance of that which seems different or strange to them."
He's referring to the jerk at the exalted Heritage Federation who co-authored a shitty study about immigration, but not before writing a Harvard thesis on Hispanics and their hopelessly low IQs. But that's just the tip of the racismberg, and Mr. Pantoja's tolerance of intolerance has come to an end. So welcome to the Democratic party. Always room at the table for one more—and unlike the other guys, when we say that we mean it.
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And just one more…
JEERS to a whole lot of nuthin'. I think it's important to follow up on the made-up scandals Republicans tried to lay on Democrats when they controlled their various committee gavels. If nothing else, it reminds us of just how pettily and irresponsibly they wield power when they're in the majority. Three years ago, political angler Lindsey Graham, who chaired the Senate Judiciary Committee, went on a fishing expedition to reel in all of then-candidate Joe Biden's criminal doings. What did he know about Michael Flynn and when did he know it? Who did he "unmask" and how? And what about Burisma??? And Hillary's child sex ring in that pizza parlor??? And Benghazi??? And Obamagate??? And who really shot J.R.??? Lindsey demanded answers and he demanded them now...
“We must determine if these requests were legitimate,” Graham said, referring to requests by top Obama administration officials to “unmask” Flynn’s name. Biden’s name was revealed Wednesday on a list of officials who reportedly unmasked Flynn’s identity in redacted intelligence documents related to special prosecutor Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. Such “unmasking” requests are common, including during Trump’s administration. Senator Graham did, however, root out this corrupt roll of masking tape. Trump has been saying that “Obamagate” is the “biggest political crime” in American history—but has yet to explain what crime he’s talking about.
Spoiler alert: Lindsey reeled in no guilty Democratic fish and quietly paddled back home to Pawpatch County to drown his bitterness in a Shirley Temple as America kicked his party back to minority status. (Not even the smell of jasmine wafting on the breeze brought him comfort.) And convicted crook Michael Flynn had to be pardoned by Trump to keep his crimey hiney out of prison. So there…now you’re up to date. Have a doughnut.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial “I learned nothing from this Cheers and Jeers about Bill in Portland Maine and his most ardent supporters I haven’t known since 2003.” —Jon Stewart
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[END]
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