Crumbs: a gigantic fortune file from elsewhere part 4
%%
Just because you've beaten a sorcerer, doesn't mean you've beaten a
sorcerer.
               -- Toth-aamon
%%
Just before the battle, Mother, I was thinking most of you. . .
               -- Sonny Barker
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Just before you pass out, you notice that the vapors from the
flask's contents are fatal.
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Just below any trapdoor there may be another one. Just keep falling!
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Just call him the vacation president.
               -- An aide to President George Bush
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Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
               -- Glynda
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Just don't tell the asylum you saw me here
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Just follow the money in a political campaign and you'll follow the
power.
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Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
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Just how much leg have I got
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Just machines to make big decisions,
Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
We'll be clean when their work is done,
We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
What a beautiful world this will be,
What a glorious time to be free.
               -- Donald Fagon, "IGY What A Beautiful World"
%%
Just my two rubber ningis worth.
%%
Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
blue denim.  If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim.  I don't enjoy the sky
or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character.  If Jesus Christ
came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the
nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim.  Then we'd get
crucified in the morning.
               -- Ian Anderson [of Jethro Tull]
%%
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
immune to bullets
               -- Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, ROBOT "Dr. Who"
%%
Just once, I would like to see an intelligent witness on the stand:

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

P: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

D: Yes, I do.  And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for
murder.
%%
Just one atomic bomb could ruin your whole day.
%%
Just one look and a whisper and they are gone.
%%
Just out from NASA: when the pilot of the ill fated Challenger went to
push the throttle lever to full throttle, he missed and accidently
pushed the switch which turned on the no-smoking sign in the passenger
area.
%%
Just remember this, my girl, as you look up in the sky --
You can see the stars and still not see the light.
%%
Just remember:  Wherever you go, there you are.
%%
Just say 'NO!' to rugs
This message sponsored by the American Hardwood Floor Association.
%%
Just think: here we are, the afternoon sun beating down on us,
a dead, bloated rhino underfoot and friends flying in from all over.
I tell you, Ed, these are the best of times.
%%
Just think: how would Bugs Bunny have handled this?
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Just to have it is enough.
%%
Just to your southwest is Paln, an enormous mountainous land.
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Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
of all the others, and then do what's best.
               -- Lovers and Other Strangers
%%
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
%%
Just when I finally figure out where it's at ... somebody moves it.
%%
Just when you get really good at something,
you don't need to do it anymore.
               -- William P. Lowrey
%%
Just when you think it's finally settled, it isn't.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Just when you thought it was safe to buy a computer:

       OS/2 -- The nightmare continues.
%%
Just wrap your hands around my velvet rims
and strap yourself to my engins.
%%
Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
Just can't remember who to send it to...

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
But I always thought that I'd see you again.
Thought I'd see you one more time again.
               -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
%%
Justice is blind, he knows nobody.
               -- Dryden
%%
Justice is lame as well as blind among us.
               -- Otway
%%
Justice, like lightning, ever should appear To few men's ruin, but to
all men's fear.
               -- Swetnam
%%
K - A term used in employment ads to disguise how much they are
   really willing to pay.
%%
K - J - O - I.  Kjoy 99 on your FM dial.  Just beautiful music.
%%
K-toe tan-tzu-yet c mo-yay sis-tray, dyen-gee dole-zhen dat yay.
%%
K/D Are you sure?  (Y or N): Yes.  Deleted all files (13870 blocks)
%%
KAINT: contraction for cannot.  "Yew kaint do that!"
               -- Texan Dictionary
%%
KAMIN'S LAW:
       Politicians will always inflate when given the opportunity.
%%
KANSAS:
       Where the men are men and so are the women!
%%
KEEP YOUR ENVIRONMENT CLEAN!
Recycle your shell variables.
%%
KEN BOSWELL: "I'm in a rut.  I can't break myself of this habit.  I
             keep swinging up at the ball."
YOGI BERRA:  "Well, swing down."
%%
KENNEDY'S COMMENT ON COMMITTEES:
A committee is 12 men doing the work of one.
%%
KERNEL:
       A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
       traditions of sorcery and black art.
%%
KEY PUNCH OPERATOR -
       the best informed source regarding the weaknesses of the system,
new large scale computers and best nightclubs
%%
KNOWLEDGE:
       Things you believe.
%%
KOHLER'S PROGRAMMING AXIOM:
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
%%
KOHN'S COROLLARY TO MURPHEY'S LAW:
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
%%
KOTEX:
       Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
%%
KOVAK'S CONUNDRUM:
       When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
%%
KWAT: lacking noise.  "Ah want peace an kwat aroun here!"
               -- Texan Dictionary
%%
Kamikaze Chemist
%%
Kamikaze Pilot Wanted: Experienced only need apply.
%%
Karma, Let me guess, The Toyota Factory!
%%
Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
       Population density is inversely proportional
       to the square of the distance from the keg.
%%
Kaufman's Law:
       A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
       of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
%%
Kawaresksenjajok, Harkabeeparolyn, shall we check out some legends for
ourselves?  And maybe make a few.
               -- Louis Wu "The Ringworld Engineers"
%%
Keane's Kriterion: All true theorems are obvious.
"Gentlemen, gentlemen!  You can't fight in here!  This is the war room!"
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Keep NZ Beautiful....  emigrate.
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Keep NZ beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
%%
Keep Sn"orpsh Now!
               -- Slogan seen on overpass in Louisiana
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Keep a clear head and always carry a lightbulb.
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Keep a clear mind: quaff clear potions.
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Keep a stiff upper chin.
               -- Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer
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Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
With silent lips.  Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
               -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
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Keep away from fire or flame.
%%
Keep away from me, I didn't mean to reveal everything.
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Keep cool: it will be all done a hundred years hence.
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Keep cool; anger is not an argument.
               -- Daniel Webster
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Keep cool; especially during meltdowns.
%%
Keep cool; process promptly.
%%
Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
       1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
          straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
          force is technically termed "car suck").
       2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
          than "Watch this!"
       3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
          proportional to the cost of hitting it.  For instance, a
          Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
          a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
       4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
          cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
          Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
          in the head and knock you silly.
               -- Dan Roddick
%%
Keep it short for pithy sake.
%%
Keep moving.  Futz, it won't hurt any less if you stop moving.  You've
got to get over this sometime.  Why not now?
               -- Louis Wu "The Ringworld Engineers"
%%
Keep on keepin' on.
%%
Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
               -- Joe Bonanno
%%
Keep playing with the same toys.  But let's paint them a little
shinier.
               -- A domestic-policy adviser to President George Bush
%%
Keep that semi-soft cheese (Brie, Camenbert, Aloutte) out of the rotor
blades!
%%
Keep the juices going by jangling around gently as you move.
               -- Satchel Paige
%%
Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
               -- D. Gries
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Keep the phase, baby.
%%
Keep the war alive.
               -- A White House official, describing President Bush's
                  1992 reelection strategy
%%
Keep up the good work!  But please don't ask me to help.
%%
Keep what you've got; the ills that we know are the best.
               -- Plautus
%%
Keep women you cannot.  Marry them and they come to hate the way you walk
across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you at the end of six
months.
               -- Moore
%%
Keep your armours away from rust.
%%
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
%%
Keep your chin up, it helps you keep your mouth shut.
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Keep your emotional exchanges on a tranquil level.
%%
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and completely shut after the
kids grow up.
               -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac
%%
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
               -- Poor Richard
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Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow.
               -- Helen Keller
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Keep your fears to yourself; share your courage with others.
               -- Robert Louis Stevenson
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Keep your glottis open.
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Keep your hands open, and all of the sands of the universe pass through them.
Close them, and all you can feel is a bit of grit.
               -- Taisen Deshimaru
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Keep your laws off my body!
%%
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
Open it and you remove all doubt.
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Keep your nose to the wheel and your shoulder to the grindstone and you'll
end up with a hunchback and a flat face.
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Keep your sense of humor about your position.
               -- Donald Rumsfeld
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Keep your weaponry away from acids.
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Keeping Still. Keeping his back still
So that he no longer feels his body.
He goes into the courtyard
And does not see his people.
No blame.
%%
Keeping his calves still.
He cannot rescue him whom he follows.
His heart is not glad.
%%
Keeping his hips still.
Making his sacrum stiff.
Dangerous. The heart suffocates.
%%
Keeping his jaws still.
The words have order.
Remorse disappears.
%%
Keeping his toes still.
No blame.
Continued perseverance furthers.
%%
Keeping his trunk still.
No blame.
%%
Keeping instructions and operands in different
memories saves .20 (.09) microseconds.
%%
Keillor has a sort of low-key, "Huh? Whuzzat?" humor that I'm very fond of.
%%
Kener's Law:
Tape only sticks to itself.
%%
Kennedy's Market Theorem:
       Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
       you've got to go broke.
%%
Kenneth, what's the frequency?
%%
Kentucky law prohibits women from marrying the same man four times.
%%
Kentucky law states that a fine of one dollar is to be levied
for each cuss word uttered in public.
%%
Kentucky: The state that needs Japan to bring it
 into the 20th century.
               -- Anonymous Net Poster
%%
Kenworthy's Benchmark: The deeper the carpet you're called upon, the deeper the
trouble you're in.
%%
Kermit             : A popular file-transmission protocol, most
                    effective for short hops.
%%
Kernal looks corrupted.
%%
Kernel memory error, all memory is now randomized.
%%
Kernel segmentation violation in floating point mode
%%
Kernel system call
%%
Kerr's Three Rules for Trying New Foods:

       (1) Never try anything with tomatoes in it.
       (2) Never try anything bigger than your head.
       (3) Never, NEVER try anything that looks like vomit.

       It is said that Kerr broke all three rules by discovering pizza.
%%
Kettering's Observation:
       Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
%%
Kev Loves Shaz
%%
Key to Status: S=D/K.  S is the status of a person in an organization, D
is the number of doors he must open to perform his job and K is the
number of keys he carries.  A higher number denotes a higher status.

Examples:  The janitor needs to open 20 doors and has twenty keys (S =
1), a secretary has to open two doors with one key (S = 2), but the
president never has to carry around any keys since there is always
someone around to open doors for him (with K equal to 0 and a high D,
his S reaches infinity).
               -- Robert Sommer
%%
Keyboardists use *all* their fingers
%%
Keyboardists use both their hands on one organ
%%
Keypone poisioning factory - turn people into bonsai trees.
%%
Kick ass now--take names later
%%
Kicked wide of the goal with such precision.
%%
Kicking the terminal doesn't hurt the monsters.
%%
Kid -- Have you rehabilitated yourself?"
               -- Arlo Guthrie
%%
Kid: "Mommy mommy, the dog threw up!"
Mom: "What's the matter with that?"
Kid: "Billies getting all the big pieces!"
%%
Kids flash guitars, just like switchblades,
hustling for the record machine.
%%
Kids? Who said anything about kids?
               -- Conan
%%
Kill Kill,
Hate Hate,
Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
%%
Kill Ugly Processor Architectures
               -- Karl Lehenbauer, [email protected]
%%
Kill a commie for Christ!
%%
Kill a commy for your mommy.
%%
Kill a unicorn and you kill your luck.
%%
Kill and kill again.
%%
Kill files are an expression of resentment by the unmemorable or
untalented against the memorable and talented.  Your appearance in kill
files merely marks the fact that you have more than once tried to make
people think, when they really would rather not.  It is an honor.
               -- Tim Maroney, [email protected], who is in at least a few...
%%
Kill the poor tonight.
%%
Kill them all and let God sort them out!
%%
Killer of dead flowers.
%%
Killer of men.
%%
Kilocycle - capital punishment for a bike
               -- Data communications glossary
%%
Kilpatrick's law: Interchangeable parts aren't.
%%
Kilroe hic erat!
%%
Kilroy occupied these coordinates.
%%
Kilroy was here.
%%
Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
       Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
%%
Kind hearts are more than coronets,
And simple faith than Norman blood.
               -- Tennyson
%%
Kindly enter them in your notebook. And in order to refer to them
conveniently, let's call them A, B, and Z.
               -- The tortoise in Lewis Carroll's
                  "What the Tortoise Said to Achilles"
%%
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
               -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
               -- Muad'dib
%%
King Arthur and his armored goons of the Round Table functioned as the
Politburo of a slave state: Camelot. Of all who have written on the Matter of
Arthur, from Malory to White, only Mark Twain understood this. But Mark Twain
was a great writer.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
King Louis gave a lesson in class,
One time while enjoying a lass.
       When she used the word "Damn"
       He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
%%
Kington's Law of Perforation:
       If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper,
       such as a sheet of stamps or a check,
       that line becomes the strongest part of the paper.
%%
Kinkler's Second Law:
       All the easy problems have been solved.
%%
Kiri-Kin-Tha's Law of Metaphysics: Nothing unreal exists.
%%
Kirk to Enterprise...
%%
Kiss her, you fool.
%%
Kiss him, you fool.
%%
Kiss me, I just ate a dead moose! Don't worry, I got the Signal!
Come on; Kiss me!
%%
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o'Sunday.
               -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
%%
Kiss me--I'm not Irish, but don't let that stop you
%%
Kiss the tear from her lip, you'll find the rose the sweeter for the
dew.
               -- Webster
%%
Kiss you??  I shouldn't even be doing THIS!
%%
Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
%%
Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
               -- "Bumper Snickers"
%%
Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
sincere.  I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere.  As for
intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
               -- Margaret Sangor
%%
Kitchen activity is highlighted.
Butter up a friend.
%%
Kite fliers keep it up longer.
%%
Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
               -- Sir Winston S. Churchill
%%
Kitman's Law:
Pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel.
%%
Kitty Hawk: a buzzard that eats cats.
%%
Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
%%
Kleptomania: take something for it
%%
Kliban's First Law of Dining:
       Never eat anything bigger than your head.
%%
Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
100% Damage to life support!!!!
%%
Knaves will thrive when honest plainness knows not how to live.
               -- Shirley
%%
Knebel's Law:
       It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the
       leading causes of statistics.
%%
Knee-Jerk Irony:
       The tendency to make flippant ironic comments as a reflexive
matter of course in everyday conversation.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Knives and scissors, fork and candle,
little children should not handle.
%%
Knock Knock.  Who's There?  Polish Burglar
%%
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Christa McAuliffe. She's also there, and there, and over there, and
there.  In fact, she's scattered all over the ocean!
%%
Knock knock
       Who's there?
Sam and Janet
       Sam and Janet who?
Sam and Janet Evening...
%%
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Bella
Bella who?
Bella no ringa, so I knocka!
%%
Knocked, you weren't in.
               -- Opportunity
%%
Know God...No peace.  No God...Know peace.
%%
Know Thy User.
%%
Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?

               -- No?

GOOD!
%%
Know that a happy dieter has other problems.
               -- Erma Bombeck
%%
Know then this truth, enough for man to know
Virtue alone is happiness below.
               -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
%%
Know then thyself; presume not God to scan;
The proper study of mankind is man.
               -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
%%
Know thyself - but don't tell anyone.
%%
Know thyself, buhbie.
%%
Know when to quit.
%%
Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
%%
Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.
               -- Alfred, Lord Tennyson, Locksley Hall
%%
Knowledge is like a river ... The deeper it is, the less noise it makes.
%%
Knowledge is power.
               -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Knowledge is true opinion.
               -- Plato (428-348? B.C.)
%%
Knowledge which is acquired under compulsion has no hold on the mind.
Therefore do not use compulsion, but let early education be rather a
sort of amusement; this will better enable you to find out the natural
bent of the child.
               -- Plato (428-348? B.C.), "The Republic"
%%
Knowledge will forever govern ignorance; and a people who mean to be their own
governors must arm themselves with the power which knowledge gives.
               -- James Madison
%%
Knowledge without common sense is folly.
%%
Knoxville, Tennessee, law says you must call a policeman if a
lion or tiger brushes against you on the street.
%%
Koan: Why *did* the chicken cross the road?
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Kramer's Law: You can never tell which way the train went by looking
at the track.
%%
Krusty:  "And what would you do if Krusty got cancelled?"
kids:    "WE'D KILL OURSELVES!"
               -- "Krusty Gets Busted"
%%
Krusty:  "Hey kids, who do you love?"
kids:    "Krusty!!"
Krusty:  "How much do you love me?"
kids:    "With all our hearts!"
Krusty:  "What would you do if I went off the air?"
kids:    "WE'D KILL OURSELVES!"
               -- "Krusty Gets Busted", from The Simpsons
%%
L I C E N S E   T O   S T E A L
Words (and Music) by Al Stewart.

He walks into the room
He's got a briefcase like a bomb
A smile on both faces
And he calls it aplomb
He wants a bite of your apple
Hands you back the peel
He's fresh out of law school
He's got a licence to steal

When he offers his advice
You can guarantee
For several hundred dollars an hour
He will see how many complications
Your life will reveal
He's fresh out of law school
He's got a license to steal

He's an ambulance chaser
A waver of papers
He loves to mix with the movers and shakers
He's taking from them
He's taking from you
Lawyers love money
Anybody's will do
Just take it

He's poking his nose into people's despair
When tragedy strikes he will always be there
Looking so cool
His greed is hard to conceal
He's fresh out of law school
You gave him a license to steal

We've got seven hundred thousand
Attorneys at law
Nobody can tell me what we need them all for
We should throw them in chains
Chastise them and rebuke them
If that doesn't work
We ought to take 'em out and nuke 'em

Blow a lawyer to pieces
It's the obvious way
Don't wait for a thesis
Do it today
Take him to the court of no final appeal
When you're fresh out of lawyers
You don't know how good it's gonna feel
%%
LA:
       Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
       is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
       From mud slides to brush fires.
%%
LABIA MAJORA:
       The curly gates.
%%
LAGS: the lower limbs.  "She got the cutest lags in town!"
               -- Texan Dictionary
%%
LAMAR'S LAMENT:
       It was all so different before everything changed.
%%
LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.
%%
LANE: to incline.  "Jes lane it upside the wall!"
               -- Texan Dictionary
%%
LARRY BERRA: "The man is here for the Venetian blinds."
YOGI BERRA:  "Look in my pants pocket and give him five bucks."
%%
LASER:
       Failed death ray.
%%
LAST LAW OF PRODUCT DESIGN:
If you can't fix it, feature it.
%%
LATER..........AS IN MUCH!!
%%
LAUNEGMYER'S RULE:
       Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
%%
LAW OF DIRECTIONS:
       The probability of your getting lost is directly proportional to the
       number of times you are told, "you can't miss it."
%%
LAW OF GOVERNMENT COST OVERRUNS:
  1. It is too early to predict what the program will cost.
  2. It is too far down the road to do anything about it.
%%
LAW OF INANIMATE REPRODUCTION:
If you take something apart and put it back together often enough,
you will eventually have two of them.
%%
LAW OF INSTITUTIONS:
The opulence of the front office is inversely proportional to the
fundamental solvency of the organization.
%%
LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION:
Once a dish is fouled up, adding anything to make it better will not
work.
%%
LAW OF MURPHIAC SPACE CURVATURE:
The probability of a piece of toast falling, buttered side down,
is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
%%
LAW OF REGRESSIVE ACHIEVEMENT:
       Last year's was better.
%%
LAW OF REVELATION:
       The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
%%
LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITATION
       A dropped object will always fall where it can do the most damage.
%%
LAW OF TELEPHONE DYNAMICS:
       The phone call you're waiting for comes the minute you go out the door.
%%
LAW OF UNEVEN DISBURSAL:
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly disbured.
%%
LAWS OF CONTENTMENT:
  1. Encourage conformity.
  2. Don't take chances.
  3. Discourage innovation.
  4. Be satisfied with mediocrity.
%%
LAWYER:
       Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too closely."
%%
LAZY:
       Marrying a pregnant woman.
%%
LEARNING CURVE:
       An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
       in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
       quicker you can do it.
%%
LEE'S LAW:
In dealing with a collective body of people, they will always
be more tacky than expected.
%%
LEEMAN'S OBSERVATION:
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
%%
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
       Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
       Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
       you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe.  As a matter of
       fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
       a sick sense of humor.
%%
LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!

So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
%%
LEVERAGE:
       Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
       about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
%%
LIBEL: likely.  "Yur libel t'git snockered drinkin RC!"
               -- Texan Dictionary
%%
LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
       Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
       desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal.  Be gracious and
       polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
       Most Libras are loan sharks.
%%
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
       Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored
       way to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today,
       but unfortunately you won't be one of them.
       Consider not getting out of bed today.
%%
LIBRARIANS do it quietly.
%%
LIFE:
       That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
%%
LIGHTWEIGHT: lighter than rugged
%%
LIKE:
       When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
%%
LINEAR MODEL: An assumption concerning the nature of reality applied
unquestioningly to every relationship as though God had determined that
truth must always run in straight lines.
%%
LIPPMAN'S LEMMA:
       People specialize in their area of greatest weakness.
%%
LISP          -- An electric car. It's simple but slow.
                Seat belts are not available.
%%
LISP car-and-cdr worlds are a more reasonable representation of the
things that make life interesting than fixed decimal(15) or
FILE OLDMSTR RECORD IS PAYROLL.
               -- Bernie Greenberg
%%
LISP is written in TECO!
%%
LISP just wants to have fun.
%%
LISP:  To call a spade a thpade.
%%
LIVING YOUR LIFE:
       A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
%%
LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.
%%
LOGIC: "The point is frozen, the beast is dead, what is the difference?"
               -- Gavin Millarrrrrrrrrr (JC)
%%
LOGICAL OPERATION - getting out of programming to marry rich
%%
LOGICAL [from the technical term "logical device", wherein a physical
device is referred to by an arbitrary name] adj. Understood to have
a meaning not necessarily corresponding to reality.  E.g., if a
person who has long held a certain post (e.g., Les Earnest at SAIL)
left and was replaced, the replacement would for a while be known
as the "logical Les Earnest".  The word VIRTUAL is also used.  At
SAIL, "logical" compass directions denote a coordinate system in
which "logical north" is toward San Francisco, "logical west" is
toward the ocean, etc., even though logical north varies between
physical (true) north near SF and physical west near San Jose.
(The best rule of thumb here is that El Camino Real by definition
always runs logical north-and-south.)
%%
LOGO          -- A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real
                engine and a working horn.
%%
LOGO for the Dead

LOGO for the Dead lets you continue
your computing activities from "The Other Side."

The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
interfaced to your computer.  A special terminal (very terminal) program
lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
Bulletin Board System).

LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
               -- '80 Microcomputing
%%
LON: a large feline.  "The lon is the king of the jungle!"
               -- Texan Dictionary
%%
LONDON'S LAW OF LIBRARIES:
The book you want is on either the bottom shelf, accessible by crawling,
or on the top shelf, accessible only by wobbly ladder.
%%
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.
%%
LOVE POEM

My heart breaks out in pustules of joy
When each new morning struggles to its knees
To vomit in the toilet of your eyes
The stringy yellow phlegma of the sun.

It dribbles down your cheesy peeling nose,
On to the pillow where you lie, passed out
Like a wino urinated on by dogs --
You cannot comprehend my love for you.

My thoughts like scattered robins sing their tunes
They swoop to dine on breadcrumbs you have left
Behind the plate glass window of your heart.
They hit the glass, and instantly are killed.

Your beauty is as constant as the scars
Inflicted by a hot grease accident,
And like the fetid odor of your breath
My love for you can never be erased.
%%
LOVE:
       Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
%%
LOVING well is the best revenge.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
LOW ORDER POSITION - the programmer's position in the chain of command
%%
LUCAS -- The Prince of Darkness
%%
LUCKY:
       When you have a wife and a cigarette lighter -- both of which work.
%%
LUFTENBERG'S PUNCTUALITY OBSERVATIONS:
  1. If you're early, it'll be cancelled.
  2. If you bust your buns to be on time, you'll have to wait.
  3. If you are not on time, it'll be too late.
%%
LUSER:
       Someone who picks up a female hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
%%
La vache qui rit est jolie.  (Laughing cows are pretty.)
%%
La via del tren subterreneo es peligrosa...  Siga las instructiones de
los operadores del tren o la policia.
%%
La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
%%
Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
%%
Lack of money is the root of all evil.
               -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Man and Superman"
%%
Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part.
%%
Lack of proof <> proof of lack.
%%
Lack of will power has caused more failure than
lack of intelligence or ability.
               -- Flower A. Newhouse
%%
Ladies Night Tuesday!
%%
Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
I come before you to stand behind you
To tell you of something I know nothing about.
Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
There will be a convention held in the
Women's Club which is strictly for men.
Admission is free, pay at the door,
Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
It was a summer's day in winter,
And the snow was raining fast,
As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
Stood sitting in the grass.
Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
Two dead men got up to fight.
Three blind men to see fair play,
Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
Back to back, they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
Came and arrested those two dead boys.
%%
Ladies and gentlemen, hoboes and tramps,
 Cross eyed mosquitoes, and bo-legged ants.
I come before you, to stand behind you,
 To tell you something, I know nothing about.
Admission is free, pay at the door.
 Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
There will be a women's tea, for men only.
At this tea, we will discuss such things as:
 The four corners of the round table,
 And how Christopher Columbus struggled across the Mississippi Ocean
   Holding only two flags:
     The first flag, the flag of the star spangled banana,
     The second flag, the flag of indigestion.
Very important speech, no need to come.
The End.
%%
Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Cross-eyed monkeys, and bow-legged ants.
I come before you to stand behind you,
To tell you something I know nothing about.
This Thursday, which is Good Friday,
There is a Lady's Aid meeting for fathers only.
It's absolutely free, just pay at the door,
Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
It doesn't matter where you sit,
The man in the gallery is sure to spit.
Our guest announcer will gladly tell you
About Christopher Columbus, who sailed the ocean blue,
In a peanut shell with a hole clear through,
Holding in one hand the Declaration of Indigestion,
And in the other, the Star-Spreckled Banana,
And said, "Give me Life.  Or any other 25 cent magazine."
               -- James Preston
%%
Ladies' sewing circle and terrorist society
%%
Lady Astor:                "If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee."
Winston Churchill:        "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
%%
Lady Luck brings added income today.
Lady friend takes it away tonight.
%%
Lady to Golf Pro: "Say I was stung by bees on your golf course."
Pro: "Ah, where?"
Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes."
Pro: "Um, that's going to hard to treat."
%%
Lady, your sign fell down.
%%
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
all will end as doves.
%%
Lake Erie died for your sins.
%%
Lakes resting on one another:
The image of the Joyous.
Thus the superior man joins with his friends
For discussion and practice.
%%
Lamenting and sighing, floods of tears.
No blame.
%%
Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant.  While describing his
duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
table and warned him that he was not to take any.  Some days later, the new
manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
of the candy.  Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
candy, and said:
       "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
%%
Land o' Goshen! Can't a person get any privacy around here?
Now go away, I'm taking a bath.
%%
Land of the Single Entendre...
%%
Languages are the pedigrees of nations.
               -- Johnson
%%
Lank:  Here we go.  We're about to set a new record.
Earl:  (to the crowd) How about a date?
Lank:  We've done it.  Earl has set a new record.  Turned down by
       20,000 women.
               -- Lank and Earl
%%
Lap-top:  Smaller and lighter than the average secretary.

Portable:  Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator.

Transportable:  Neither chained to a wall nor attached to an alarm system.
%%
Large dogs make larger turds than little ones.
%%
Large numbers of things are determined,
and therefore not subject to change.
               -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.
%%
Larry Flynt for President.
%%
Las cucarachas entran... pero no pueden salir!
%%
Laser printers do it without making an impression.
%%
Lassie kills chickens.
%%
Last Words of Advice: If you pay your taxes and don't get into debt and
go to bed early and never answer the telephone--no harm can befall you.
               -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%%
Last guys don't finish nice.
               -- Stanley Kelly
%%
Last night I discovered a new form of oral contraceptive.  I asked a girl to
go to bed and she said 'No'.
               -- Woody Allen
%%
Last night I met upon the stair
a little man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
Gee how I wish he'd go away!
%%
Last night I watched the news from Washington (the Capitol).  The
Russians had escaped while we weren't watching them (like Russians
will).  Now we have all this room; we've even got the moon, and I hear
the USSR will be open soon as Vacationland for lawyers in love.
               -- Jackson Browne
%%
Last scene of all that ends this strange, eventful history, is second
childishness, and mere oblivion; sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans
everything.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe.
%%
Last week the local power company had a minor problem and much of
downtown Madison and the UW-Madison campus lost power.  Turns out that
the computer science building got power restored before many of the
other buildings.

When asked why we got our power back so soon, someone claimed that we
have a generator in the basement with a squirrel running on a wheel to
generate it.  To which someone else remarked: "Only one squirrel powers
the whole building???  Must be Canadian."
%%
Last week's pet, this week's special.
%%
Last year, Fred Akers and Crew, The Texas Titty-Babies, were
traveling via bus in Oklahoma.  Anyway, as they crossed into
Oklahoma, they saw an OU football player standing on top of a
hill mooning them.

Well that was too much of an insult, and Fred stopped the bus.
He called his biggest player to the front of the bus and said
"Go kick that boy's ass!"  The football player took off up the
hill and disappeared.

A couple of minutes passed and Fred was getting worried.  He
called another player up and said, "Go help him."  So the
second player takes off up the hill and he too disappears.

That was too much for poor Fred's ticker, what with half of
Texas on his case for _LOSING_TOO_DAMN_MANY_GAMES_, and he
sent the rest of the busload of football players up the hill.

Well there was a lot of noise, and finally after about 10
minutes, the punter comes back over the hill, his jersey torn
to hell.  Fred says, "What the hell happened?  Couldn't you
all get that jerk off the hill?"  To this the punter replied.
"Aw shit, coach, there were two more of them back there!"
%%
Last, but by no means least, courage -- moral courage, the courage of
one's convictions, the courage to see things through.  The world is in a
constant conspiracy against the brave.  It's the age-old struggle -- the
roar of the crowd on one side and the voice of your conscience on the
other.
               -- General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964)
%%
Lasting perseverance furthers.
%%
Late last night I slew my wife,
Stretched her on the parquet flooring;
I was loath to take her life,
But I had to stop her snoring!
               -- Harry Graham
%%
Latest news? Put 'net.games.hack' in your .newsrc !
%%
Latest news? Put newsgroup 'netUNX.indoor.hackers-scroll' in your
newsrc!
%%
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
%%
Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
%%
Laugh, and say I'm green, I've seen things you've never seen.
%%
Laughing on the outside, paneling on the inside, ...
%%
Laughter should dimple the cheek, not furrow the brow.  A jest should be
such, that all shall be able to join in the laugh which it occasions;
but if it bear hard upon one of the company, like the crack of a string,
it makes a stop in the music.
               -- Feltham
%%
Laura's Law: No child throws up in the bathroom.
%%
Lavish spending can be disastrous.
Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
%%
Law Of The Search:
  The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to
  find it.
%%
Law enforcement officers should use only the
minimum force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
               -- Richard Milhouse Nixon
%%
Law expands in proportion to the resources available for its
enforcement.
               -- Dalin B. Oaks
%%
Law of Communications:
   The result of improved and enlarged communications is a vastly increased
   area of misunderstanding.
%%
Law of Continuity:
       Experiments should be reproducible.
       They should all fail the same way.
%%
Law of Historical Causation:
       "It seemed like the thing to do at the time."
               -- Michael Uhlmann
%%
Law of Institutional Food:  Everything is cold except what should be.
%%
Law of Institutional Food: Everything, including the corn flakes, is
greasy.
%%
Law of Local Anesthesia:  Never say "oops" in the operating room.
               -- Dr. Leo Troy
%%
Law of Petroleum: Where there are Muslims, there is oil; the converse is
not true.
               -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%%
Law of Procrastination:
       Procrastination avoids boredom;
       one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
%%
Law of Selective Gravity:
       An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jenning's Corollary:
       The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
       directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
%%
Law of Social Dynamics: If, in the course of several months, only three
worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same
evening.
%%
Law of Work:
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere
you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Don't be irreplaceable, if you
can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. If you are good, you'll be assigned all the
work. If you are really good, you'll get out of it.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, " How would the Lone Ranger have handled this ?"
%%
Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
               -- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
%%
Lawful Dungeon Master - and they're MY laws!
%%
Lawful Game Master--and I pick the laws
%%
Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
%%
Lawrence Welk does it with feeling.
%%
Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets
break through.
               -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
%%
Laws are made to be broken
%%
Laws can disover sin, but not remove.
               -- Milton
%%
Laws of Computer Programming:
       1.  Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
       2.  Any given program costs more and takes longer.
       3.  If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
       4.  If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
       5.  Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
       6.  The value of a program is proportional the weight of its
           output.
       7.  Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability
           of the programmer who must maintain it.
       8.  Make it possible for programmers to write programs in
           English, and you will find that programmers cannot write
           in English.
               -- SIGPLAN Notices, Vol 2 No 2
%%
Laws of Procrastination:

       (1) Procrastination shortens the job and places the
           responsibility for its termination on someone else
           (the authority who imposed the deadline).
       (2) It reduces anxiety by reducing the expected quality of the
           project from the best of all possible efforts to the best
           that can be expected given the limited time.
       (3) Status is gained in the eyes of others, and in one's own
           eyes, because it is assumed that the importance of the work
           justifies the stress.
       (4) Avoidance of interruptions including the assignment of other
           duties can usually be achieved, so that the obviously
           stressed worker can concentrate on the single effort.
       (5) Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling
           that there is nothing important to do.
       (6) It may eliminate the job if the need passes before the job
           can be done.
%%
Laws of Project Management #1: No major project is ever installed on time,
 within budgets, with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the
 first.
%%
Laws of Project Management #2: Projects progress quickly until they become 90%
 complete, then they remain at 90% complete forever.
%%
Laws of Project Management #3: One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is
 that they let you avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding
 costs.
%%
Laws of Project Management #5: If project content is allowed to change freely,
 the rate of change will exceed the rate of progress.
%%
Laws of Project Management #6: No system is ever completely debugged. Attempts
 to debug a system inevitably introduce new bugs that are even harder to
 find.
%%
Laws of computer programming:
       Never do anything clever on a Friday afternoon.
%%
Laws were made to be broken.
               -- Christopher North
%%
Lawyers do it in front of the Judge and Jury.
%%
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
%%
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
%%
Lawyers do it to everyone.
%%
Lawyers sometimes tell the truth---they'll do anything to win a case.
%%
Lawyers: America's untapped export market.
%%
Lawyers: The larval form of politicians.
%%
Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, `Hold, enough!'.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
The reason, you will see, no doubt,
Is to keep the lightning out.
But what these unobservant birds
Have failed to notice is that herds
Of bears may come with buns
And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
%%
Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
               -- Philip K. Saunders
%%
Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
%%
Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!
%%
Leaders who aid others in growing are certain to experience growth in
themselves.
%%
Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it;
what is happening in America is that those parades are getting
smaller and smaller--and there are many more of them.
               -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
%%
Leadership, at its highest, consists of getting people to work for you
when they are under no obligation to do so.
%%
League of Bloodthirsty Women
%%
League of Pushy Women   Self-appointed Chapter Head
%%
Learn a new language and get a new soul.
%%
Learn a new word today.
%%
Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
%%
Learn how to spell. Play Hack!
%%
Learn of the skillful: he that teaches himself hath a fool for a master.
               -- Poor Richard
%%
Learn to hold thy tongue.  Five words cost Zacharias forty weeks'
silence.
               -- Fuller
%%
Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
%%
Learn to reason forward and backward on both sides of a question.
               -- Thomas Blandi
%%
Learn to splel, danmit!
%%
Learn what we should learn; do what we should do; be what we should be.
               -- Thomas S. Monson
%%
Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
%%
Learning maketh young men temperate, is the comfort of old age, standing
for wealth with poverty, and serving as an ornament to riches.
               -- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
%%
Leave me alone, I'm having a crisis.
               -- "Bumper Snickers"
%%
Leave no stone unturned.
               -- Euripides
%%
Leda loves swans.
%%
Lee Harvey Oswald: Where are ya when we REALLY need ya?
%%
Lee's Law:
       Mother said there would be days like this,
       but she never said that there'd be so many!
%%
Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse.
%%
Lefty Gomez: What's your cap size Yogi?
Yogi:        How do I know? I'm not in shape yet.
%%
Legalize freedom.
%%
Legalize necrophilia!!
%%
Legalize vandalism!!
%%
Legareque loquere Latinam bene possum.

It's not the initial cost of the notebook that counts -- it's the upkeep.
%%
Legislated Nostalgia:
       To force a body of people to have memories they do not
actually possess: "How can I be a part of the 1960s generation when I
don't even remember any of it?"
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Legislation is a series of catastrophes that results in a policy.
               -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%%
Legless Mom `walks' 20 miles to aid tot.
%%
Leisure tends to corrupt, and absolute leisure corrupts absolutely.
%%
Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
               -- "Bumper Snickers"
%%
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
%%
Lend thy serious hearing to what I shall unfold.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Lends grace to the beard on his chin.
%%
Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.
"The one worry I have", says Lenin, "is this: will the people
follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will", says Stalin, "they surely will."
"I hope so", says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?".
"No problem", says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."
%%
Lenin once observed that gold should adorn the floors of latrines.
%%
Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
%%
Leo (July 22 - Aug 21) : Julia Child, Robert Culp, Wilt Chamberlain,
Martin Sheen, Alfred Hitchcock, Carrol O'Connor, Robert Redford,
Sally Struthers
%%
Leprechauns are the most skilled cutpurses in this dungeon.
%%
Leroy's wife heard that the gummint was giving out free cheese so she
told him to go and get some.  Leroy gets in his pickup truck and heads
to the distribution center.  When he gets there, all that's left is a
big wheel of cheese so he puts it in the back of the truck and takes
off.

Unfortunately, he forgets to latch the tailgate so when he gets to the
top of a hill and stops for a stop sign, the cheese knocks down the
tailgate and starts to roll down the hill.  Leroy gets out of the car
and starts to chase after the cheese.

Meanwhile, there's a good ole boy named Sam at the bottom of the hill
who sees the cheese coming.  Not being one to pass up something for
free, he catches the cheese and throws it into HIS pickup truck.

When Sam gets home with his cheese, he proudly shows it to his wife.
The following conversation ensues:

Sam's wife: That's wonderful!  But, what kind of cheese is it?
Sam:        Uh, uh, oh yeah, it's nacho cheese.
Sam's wife: Huh, how do you know it's nacho cheese?
Sam:        Well, when I found it there was this guy running down
           the hill yelling, "Hey mon, that's nacho cheese".
%%
Les salons de la ville de Trieste
Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
       Parmi les grandes chaises
       On cause des malaises,
Des estropiements, et des pestes.
               -- Edward Gorey
%%
Less is more.
%%
Lessness:
       A philosophy whereby one reconciles oneself with diminishing
expectations of material wealth: "I've given up wanting to make a
killing or be a bigshot. I just want to find happiness and maybe open
a little roadside cafe in Idaho."
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Let Your Fingers Do It.
%%
Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
%%
Let a man proclaim a new principle. Public sentiment will surely be on
the other side.
               -- Thomas B. Reed (1839-1902)
%%
Let an electrician check your shorts.
%%
Let another man praise thee, and not thine own mouth; a stranger, and
not thine own lips.
               -- Proverbs XXVII, 2
%%
Let cavillers deny that brutes have reason; sure tis something more,
'tis heaven directs, and stratagems inspires beyond the short extent of
human thought.
               -- Somerville
%%
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
%%
Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
               -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
%%
Let him turn and twist slowly in the wind.
               -- John Ehrlichman
%%
Let him who expects one class of society to prosper in the highest
degree, while the other is in distress, try whether one side of the face
can smile while the other is pinched.
               -- Thomas Fuller
%%
Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.
%%
Let him who plays the monarch be a king;
Who plays the rogue, be perfect in his part.
               -- Erskine
%%
Let honesty be as the breath of thy soul, and never forget to have a
penny, when all thy expenses are enumerated and paid; then shall thou
reach the point of happiness, and independence shall be thy shield and
buckler, thy helmet and crown; then thy soul walk upright, nor stoop to
the silken wretch because he hath riches, nor pocket an abuse, because
the hand which offers it wears a ring set with diamonds.
               -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
%%
Let it be borne on the flag under which we rally in every exigency, that
we have one country, one constitution, one destiny.
               -- Daniel Webster
%%
Let me have men about me that are fat;
Sleck-headed men and such as sleep o'nights.
Yond' Cassius has a lean and hungry look;
He thinks too much; such men are dangerous.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments.  Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
 If this be error and upon me proved,
 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
%%
Let me state that programming is not the science of coding but the art of
finding solutions of non-formalized problems and expressing these solutions in
explicit and clear way.
               -- Vadim Antonov ([email protected])
%%
Let me take you a button-hole lower.
               -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
%%
Let me take you under my thumb.
%%
Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies
solely in my tenacity.
               -- Louis Pasteur
%%
Let no guilty man escape.
               -- U. S. Grant
%%
Let no man call you wise, you might make a liar of him.
%%
Let no man presume to give advice to others that has not first given
good counsel to himself.
               -- Seneca
%%
Let no man value at a little price a virtuous woman's counsel; her
winged spirit is feathered often times with heavenly words, and, like
her beauty, ravishing and pure.
               -- Chapman
%%
Let none think to fly the danger
For soon or late love is his own avenger.
               -- Byron
%%
Let our object be our country, our whole country, and nothing but our
country.
               -- Daniel Webster
%%
Let sleeping bags lie.
%%
Let sleeping dogma lie.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Let sleeping dogs lie.
               -- Charles Dickens
%%
Let the Wookiee win!
%%
Let the caveman who does not choose to accept the axiom of identity,
try to present his theory without using the concept of identity or
any concept derived from it -- let the anthropoid who does not choose
to accept the existence of nouns, try to devise a language without
nouns, adjectives, or verbs -- let the witch doctor who does not
choose to accept the validity of sensory perception, try to prove
it without using the data he obtained by sensory perception -- let
the head-hunter who does not choose to accept the validity of logic,
try to prove it without logic -- let the pygmy who proclaims that a
skyscraper needs no foundation after it reaches its fiftieth story,
yank the base from under his building, not yours -- let the cannibal
who snarls that the freedom of man's mind was needed to create an
industrial civilization, but is not needed to maintain it, be given
an arrowhead and a bearskin, not a university chair of economics.
               -- John Galt
%%
Let the child's first lesson be obedience, and the second be what thou
will.
               -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
%%
Let the good times roll.
%%
Let the greatest part of the news thou hearest be the least part of what
thou believest, lest the greater part of what thou believest be the
least part of what is true.
               -- Francis Quarles (1592-1644)
%%
Let the machine do the dirty work.
               -- Kernighan and Ritchie, "Elements of Programming Style"
%%
Let the programmers be many and the managers be few then all will be
productive.
%%
Let the soldier be abroad if he will, he can do nothing in this age.
There is another personage, a personage less imposing in the eyes of
some, perhaps insignificant.  The schoolmaster is abroad, and I trust to
him, armed with his primer, against the soldier in full military array.
               -- Lord Brougham
%%
Let the stoics say what they please, we do not eat for the good of
living, but because the meat is savory and the appetite is keen.
               -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
they can. I'm sick of the job.  It's a thankless one and full of grief.
               -- Capone
%%
Let them obey that know not how to rule.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Let us at all times remember that all American citizens are brothers of
a common country, and should dwell together in the bonds of fraternal
feeling.
               -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
%%
Let us be of good cheer, remembering that the misfortunes hardest to bear
are those which never happen.
               -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
%%
Let us be silent, that we may hear the whispers of the gods.
               -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth -
to see it like it is, and tell it like it is -
to find the truth, to speak the truth, and live the truth.
               -- Richard Nixon. accepting the Presidential
                  Nomination, 1968
%%
Let us cling to our principles as the mariner clings to his last plank
when night and tempest close around him.
               -- Dr. Young
%%
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
               -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
%%
Let us keep our mouths shut and our pens dry until we know the facts.
               -- A. J. Carlson
%%
Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate.
               -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963)
%%
Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.
               -- James Thurber (1894-1961)
%%
Let us not say, Every man is the architect of his own fortune; but let
us say, Every man is the architect of his own character.
               -- George Dana Boardman
%%
Let us praise the noble turkey vulture: No one envies him; he harms nobody;
and he contemplates our little world from a most serene and noble height.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
%%
Let us suffer any person to tell us his story morning and evening, but
for one twelve-month, and he will become our master.
               -- Edmund Burke
%%
Let us treat men and women well;
Treat them as if they were real;
Perhaps they are.
               -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.
               -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
%%
Let us, then, fellow citizens, unite with one heart and one mind.  Let
us restore to social intercourse that harmony and affection without
which liberty and even life itself are but dreary things.  And let us
reflect that having banished from our land that religious intolerance
under which mankind so long bled, we have yet gained little if we
countenance a political intolerance as despotic, as wicked, and
capable of a bitter and bloody persecutions.
               -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
%%
Let your Wit rather serve you for a buckler to defend yourself,
by a handsome reply, than the Sword to wound others, though with never
so facetious a Reproach, remembering that a Word cuts deeper than a
sharper weapon, and the Wound it makes is longer curing.
               -- Osborn
%%
Let your boat of life be light, packed with only what you need - a homely home
and simple pleasures, one or two friends, worth the name, someone to love and
someone to love you, a cat, a dog, and a pipe or two, enough to eat and enough
to wear, and a little more than enough to drink; for thirst is a dangerous
thing.
               -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men in a Boat"
%%
Let your conscience be your guide.
               -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
%%
Let your fingers do the walking on the yulkjhnb keys.
%%
Let your humor always be good humor in both senses.  If it comes of a
bad humor, it is pretty sure not to belie its parentage.
%%
Let zeal be ever present, but hesitation absent.
               -- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
%%
Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue.
               -- Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer
%%
Let's do lunch, have your god call my god...
%%
Let's do the Time Warp again!
%%
Let's flush this toilet.
               -- Noah
%%
Let's get drunk and be somebody.
%%
Let's get some Hiney and have some fun!
%%
Let's get together on this - I'm assuming you are as confused as I am
               -- Glossary of important business terms
%%
Let's go crazy.
%%
Let's go play with the Meat Puppets!
%%
Let's hope that the sheiks' being brash
Won't inspire women's lib to be rash.
       Though a shortage of gas
       Is a pain in the ass,
Just imagine -- a shortage of gash!
%%
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other
again.
%%
Let's just stay home tonight.
%%
Let's not complicate our relationship by trying to communicate with each other.
%%
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
%%
Let's roll up our elbows and get to work.
%%
Let's see some T and A!
%%
Let's split up, we can do more damage that way.
%%
Let's talk sense to the American people.  Let's tell them the truth,
that there are no gains without pains.
               -- Adlai Stevenson
%%
Let's visit reality for awhile.
%%
Lets do some food.
%%
Lets stop bad mouthing our mail system.  We all depend on the post
office to provide excuses for us.
               -- Jeff McNelly
%%
Letters which are warmly sealed are ofter but coldly opened.
               -- Richter
%%
Letting oneself be drawn
Brings good fortune and remains blameless.
If one is sincere,
It furthers one to bring even a small offering.
%%
Lettuce doth extinguish venerious acts.
               -- Andrew Boorde (1490?-1549)

It is said that the effect of eating too much lettuce is 'soporific'.
               -- Beatrix Potter (1868-1943)
                  "The Tale of the Flopsy Bunnies."
%%
Leveraging always beats prototyping.
%%
Levity is the soul of wit.
               -- Melville D. Landon
%%
Liars ought to have good memories.
               -- Algernon Sidney
%%
Liberal - a power worshiper without power.
               -- George Orwell (1903-1950)
%%
Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
trouble.  Conservatives are better.  They never run out on you.
               -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
%%
Liberals don't care what people do, as long as it's compulsory.
%%
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions.  Conservatives feel they deserve
everything they've stolen.
               -- Mort Sahl
%%
Liberals, but not conservatives, can get attention and acclaim for
denouncing liberal policies that failed; and liberals will inevitably
capture the ensuing agenda for "reform."
               -- John McClaughry
%%
Liberals: Making the world safe for hypocrisy.
%%
Liberty cannot be guaranteed by law. Nor by any thing else except the
resolution of free citizens to defend their liberties.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Liberty consists in the power of doing that which is permitted by law.
               -- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
%%
Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches.
               -- Will Rogers
%%
Liberty is always unfinished business.
%%
Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to be
slaves to the things we do like.
               -- Ernest Benn
%%
Liberty is so much latitude as the powerful choose to accord the weak.
               -- Judge Learned Hand
%%
Liberty too can corrupt, and absolute liberty can corrupt absolutely.
               -- Gertrude Himmelfarb
%%
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) : George Peppard, John Lennon, Pierre Trudeau,
Oscar Wilde, Olivia Newton-John, Suzanne Somers, Ben Vereen,
Juliet Prowse
%%
Librarians do it by the book.
%%
Librarians do it silently.
%%
Libraries are the shrines where all the relics of the ancient saints,
full of true virtue, and that without delusion or imposture, are
preserved and reposed.
               -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Licker talks mighty loud w'en it gets loose fum de jug.
               -- Joel C. Harris, "Uncle Remus: Plantation Proverbs"
%%
Lie, cheat, steal, kill, leave the toilet seat up.
%%
Lies!  All lies!  You're all lying against my boys!
               -- Ma Barker
%%
Lieutenant Uhura, send a message to StarFleet Command.
%%
Life -- Love It or Leave It.
%%
Life Sucks.  Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but certain
not to find her.  Drop me a note.  I'll call you, we'll talk and I'll ask you
out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can afford in a feeble
attempt to impress you.  Then we'll realize we have absolutely nothing in
common and we'll go our separate ways, more embittered and depressed than
before (if such a thing is possible).
%%
Life affords no higher pleasure than that of surmounting difficulties,
passing from one step of success to another, forming new wishes and
seeing them gratified.
               -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
%%
Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
               -- Miss November (1966)
%%
Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
               -- Gaugin
%%
Life belongs to the living, and he who lives must be prepared for
changes.
               -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
%%
Life can be modeled as a hidden Markov process with infinite states and
no a-priori knowledge of the probability density functions.
%%
Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
               -- Soren Kierkegaard, "Life"
%%
Life can be profitable, if you know the odds.
               -- Ripley
%%
Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
%%
Life cannot subsist in society but by reciprocal concessions.
               -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
%%
Life consists of accommodating oneself to the Universe.
%%
Life consists of accommodating the Universe to oneself.
%%
Life creates it [the Force] and makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us
and binds us. Luminous beings are we ... Feel the flow. Feel the Force
around you.
               -- Yoda
%%
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases
to be serious when people laugh.
               -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
Life exists for no known purpose.
%%
Life has a value only when it has something valuable as its object.
               -- Georg Wihelm Friedrich Hegel (1770-1831)
%%
Life imitates art--but badly.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Life in the fast lane will surely make you lose your mind.
%%
Life in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and
short.
               -- Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679), Leviathan
%%
Life is Hell.
%%
Life is Roff when yer Stewpid
%%
Life is a Ferris wheel - you get dizzy. by Linette
%%
Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
%%
Life is a bizarre thing.  First you spend it running from childhood,
then you spend the rest of it trying to get back.
               -- Ravenous Tenebrosity
%%
Life is a fractal in Hilbert space.
               -- Rudy Rucker
%%
Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
%%
Life is a game, to win you must play and to play you must win
%%
Life is a game.  In order to have a game, something has to be more important
than something else.  If what already is, is more important than what isn't,
the game is over.  So, life is a game in which what isn't, is more important
than what is.
Let the good times roll.
               -- Werner Erhard
%%
Life is a game.  Money is how we keep score.
               -- Ted Turner
%%
Life is a great surprise. I do not see why death should not be an even
greater one.
               -- Vladimir Nabokov, quoted in "Time", 1981
%%
Life is a handkerchief; smooth and clean and white... until you blow it.
               -- Wild Bill Shakespeare (Jeff Anderson)
%%
Life is a little like cards:
You fall in love - Hearts
You become engaged - Diamonds
You marry - Clubs
You die - Spades
%%
Life is a process, not a principle, a mystery to be lived, not a
problem to be solved.
               -- Gerard Straub, television producer and author
                  (stolen from Frank Herbert??)
%%
Life is a sandwich, and it's always lunchtime
%%
Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even
though sometimes it is hard to realize this.
%%
Life is a series of rude awakenings.
               -- R. V. Winkle
%%
Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
               -- Clarence S. Darrow (1857-1938)
%%
Life is a shit sandwich, and every day is another bite.
%%
Life is a test,
 if this had been a real life you would have been given instructions
 on where to go.
%%
Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think.
%%
Life is act, and not to do is death.
               -- Lewis Morris
%%
Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.
%%
Life is anything that dies when you stomp it!
%%
Life is both difficult and time consuming.
%%
Life is but a moment. THerefore a moment of love is worth a lifetime.
%%
Life is complex.  It has real and imaginary parts.
%%
Life is cruel? Compared to what?
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
%%
Life is doubt, and faith without doubt is nothing but death.
               -- Miguel de Unamuno
%%
Life is evil spelled backwards.
%%
Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
%%
Life is full of concepts that are poorly defined.  In fact, there are
very few concepts that aren't.  It's hard to think of any in
non-technical fields.
               -- Daniel Kimberg
%%
Life is full of little surprises.
               -- Pandora
%%
Life is hard? True--but let's love it anyhow, though it breaks every bone in
our bodies.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
%%
Life is like a 10 speed bicycle.  Most of us have gears we never use.
               -- C. Schultz
%%
Life is like a B-grade movie.  You don't want to leave in the middle of it,
but you don't want to see it again.
               -- Ted Turner
%%
Life is like a Car-wash and I'm on a bicycle.
%%
Life is like a bagel.  It's delicious when it's fresh and warm, but
often it's just hard.  The hole in the middle is its great mystery, and
yet it wouldn't be a bagel without it.
%%
Life is like a cucumber --
one moment it's in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
%%
Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
%%
Life is like a dick:
       when its hard, you get screwed
       and when its soft, you can't beat it!
%%
Life is like a fountain...  I will tell you how when I figure it out.
%%
Life is like a sewer.
What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
               -- Tom Lehrer
%%
Life is like a shit sandwich.  The more bread you have, the less
shit you have to eat.
%%
Life is like a tin of sardines.
We're, all of us, looking for the key.
               -- Beyond the Fringe
%%
Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
%%
Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going
on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being
unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
%%
Life is like bein' on a mule team.
Unless you're the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
%%
Life is like climbing a ladder
To get where you are going you must reach high,
But to reach to high is to fall.
%%
Life is like surrealism. If you have to have it explained to you, you can't
afford it.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Life is much too complicated in the morning
%%
Life is no "brief candle" to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got
hold for a moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before
handing it on to future generations.
               -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
Life is not a static thing. The only people who do not change their
minds are incompetents in asylums, who can't and those in cemeteries.
               -- Everett Dirksen
%%
Life is not for everyone.
%%
Life is not so short but that there is always time for courtesy.
               -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
Life is one long struggle in the dark.
               -- Titus Lucretius Carus
%%
Life is only as long as you live it.
%%
Life is serious, but ART is fun!
%%
Life is short and we never have enough time for gladdening the hearts of
those who travel the way with us.  Oh, be swift to love!  Make haste to
be kind.
               -- Henri Frederic Amiel (1821-1881)
%%
Life is short, art long, occasion sudden; to make experiments dangerous;
judgment difficult.  Neither is it sufficient that the physician do
his office, unless the patient and his attendants do their duty,
and that externals are likewise well ordered.
               -- Hippocrates (460?-377? B.C.)
%%
Life is short. Get it right.
%%
Life is short; live it up.
               -- Nikita S. Khrushchev (1894-1971)
%%
Life is so strange.
%%
Life is sometimes hard to love, though we must love it because we have
no other.  To fail to love it is to cease to exist.
%%
Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient
premisses.
               -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
%%
Life is the childhood of our immortality.
               -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
%%
Life is the living you do,
Death is the living you don't do.
               -- Joseph Pintauro
%%
Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules.
%%
Life is the urge to ecstasy.
%%
Life is to the universe as rust is to iron.
We are, in the final judgement (on a planetary scale, certainly), nothing more
than an advanced form of corrosion, just one more way for the universe to wear
itself out a little faster.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
%%
Life is too short for grief. Or regret. Or bullshit.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Life is too short to be taken seriously.
               -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900
%%
Life is too short to spend debugging Intel parts.
               -- Van J.
%%
Life is too tragic for sadness: Let us rejoice.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Life is tough, but it's fair.
You had a good home; you could've stayed there.
%%
Life is unfair. And it's not fair that life is unfair.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Life is wonderful.
%%
Life is worth living, but only if we avoid the amusements of grown-up
people.
               -- Robert Lynd
%%
Life itself is the proper binge.
               -- Julia Child
%%
Life never gets so bad that it can't get worse.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Life often presents us with a choice of evils rather than of goods.
               -- Charles Caleb Colton
%%
Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
               -- Dag Hammarskjold
%%
Life sucks, but Death swallows!
%%
Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
               -- Sanka Ad
%%
Life without music would be an intolerable insult.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
%%
Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
               -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
Life's a beach, and then you dive...
%%
Life's a bitch and we're her puppies.
%%
Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
%%
Life's a bitch, then you marry one.
%%
Life's a bitch--and then you die
%%
Life's a shit sandwich and each day you take a bigger bite.
%%
Life's a witch, then you fly.
%%
Life's but a walking shadow -- a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more.  It is a tale
Told by idiots, full of sound and fury
Signifying nothing.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Life's little mystery:  How can a two pound box of candy make you gain 5 pounds?
%%
Life, as we know it, does not exist.
%%
Life, liberty and the happiness of pursuit!
%%
Life.  Don't talk to me about life.
               -- Marvin the Paranoid Anroid
%%
Life: another day, another dolor.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Lifeguards do it on the beach.
%%
Lift every voice and sing
Till earth and heaven ring,
Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
Let our rejoicing rise
High as the listening skies,
Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.

Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
Let us march on till victory is won.
               -- James Weldon Johnson
%%
Lifting her skirt, she revealed her treasure. The mother lode. Pretty, I
thought, but is it art?
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Lighten up, while you still can,
Don't even try to understand,
Just find a place to make your stand,
And take it easy.
               -- The Eagles, "Taking It Easy"
%%
Lighthouse:  A tall building on the seashore in which the government
maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
%%
Lighting an object which is already lit has profound ontological
implications.
%%
Lightning is one hell of a murder weapon -- and the best part is, it can't be
traced.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Lightning strikes the rod at the top of the Empire State Building about
fifty times a year.
%%
Like a man made after supper of a cheese-paring; when he was naked, he
was, for all the world, like a forked radish, with a head fantastically
carved upon it with a knife.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Like a steely blade in a silken sheath
We don't see what their made of.
They shout about love but when push comes to shove
They look for things they're afraid of.
And the knowledge that they fear
Is a weapon to be used against them.

He's not afraid of your judgment.
He knows of horrors worse than your hell.
He's a little bit afraid of dying,
But he's a lot more afraid of your lying ...
               -- Neil Peart, Rush
%%
Like all women, she believed that rest and pleasure were bad for men.
               -- Fritz Leiber, "Swords and Ice Magic"
%%
Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
the difference between one young woman and another.
               -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Major Barbara"
%%
Like any writer, I'd rather be read than dead. Like any serious *author*, I'd
rather be dead than not read at all.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Like corn in a field I cut you down,
I threw the last punch way too hard,
After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
       And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
       I'm as low as a paid assassin is
       You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
       I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
       You know I can't think straight no more
       You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
               a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
               -- Elton John, "I Feel Like a Bullet"
%%
Like jumping off buildings? Henri La Mothe dove 40 feet from a building
in New York City into only 12.5 inches of water into a child's wading
pool in 1974.
%%
Like my mom always said, "When your dad dies, then we'll be in heaven."
%%
Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or
churchgoer.  It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of
God who watches over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to
guide people to follow His precepts -- there is just too much misery
and cruelty for that.  On the other hand, I respect and envy the
people who get inspiration from their religions.
               -- Benjamin Spock
%%
Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a
private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from
non-practitioners.
               -- G. O. Ashley
%%
Like prehistoric cave dwellers, the devotees of electronic bulletin-boards and
"e-mail" have struggled to find a new way to express themselves. Wall painting
would not work. Words, it seems, are not enough. Inarticulate sounds cannot be
displayed on screens.  To make their messages feel more like personal contact,
they have hit on using the punctuation marks on an ordinary keyboard in order
to pull faces at each other. To read these signs, you have to put your head on
your left shoulder. The basic unit is:
     :-)
the "smiley", a standard smiling face. In context, this can mean "I'm happy to
hear from you", or other pleasantries.  The smiley can also wink:
     ;-)
Of course the possibilities are endless, and they have all been posted to the
net (a million times).
%%
Like punning, programming is a play on words.
%%
Like the time I ran away...

And turned around and you were standing close to me.
               -- YES (Going For The One/Awaken)
%%
Like, wow.  Have a nice day, ok?
%%
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
%%
Likes and dislikes are among my favourites
%%
Limitation. Success.
Galling limitation must not be persevered in.
%%
Limited time offer, call now to insure prompt delivery.
%%
Line dropped from an early script of a popular Disney flick:

"Didn't there used to be more than eight of us, Hungry?"
%%
Lines are coming,
Blessing and fame draw near.
Good fortune.
%%
Linguists do it cunningly.
%%
Linguists do it with their tongues.
%%
Lint is the compiler's only means of dampening the programmer's ego.
%%
Linus' Law:
       There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
%%
Linus:          Hi!  I thought it was you.
       I've been watching you from way off...  You're looking great!
Snoopy: That's nice to know.
       The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
%%
Lion Hunting: A contribution to the mathematical theory of big game hunting...

The following represents a mathematical method for capturing a lion in the
middle of the Sahara Desert:

* The Schrodinger method.
  At any given moment, there is a positive probability that
there is a lion in the cage.  Sit down and wait.
%%
Lionel: What's the difference between a teacher and an engineer?
Tyronne: A teacher trains minds; an engineer minds trains.
%%
Lions do it with pride.
%%
Lions in the street and roaming,
Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
A beast caged in the heart of the city.
The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
He fled the town.
Went down south across the border,
Left the chaos and disorder
Back there, over his shoulder.
One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
A strange creature groaning beside him.
Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
               -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
%%
Lions may not be taken to the theater in Maryland.
%%
Liposuction will destroy your FAT
%%
Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
               -- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
%%
Liquor sellers do not drink; they hate to see you twice.
%%
Lisa/Bart (?):  "We were fighting over who loves you more."
Homer:  "You were?  Oh, go ahead."
Lisa:   "You love him more."
Bart:   "No, you do."
Lisa:   "No, you do."
Bart:   "No, you do."
   < etc. ad nauseum >
               -- ??, from The Simpsons
%%
Lisa:  "Gross!  Mom, Bart's taking a picture of his butt."
Bart:  "Yah right, like I would take a picture of my butt."
               -- "Homer's Night Out", from The Simpsons
%%
Lisa:  "Mom, I'm scared."
Marge: "We all are, dear, but your father says everything is all right."
               -- "Call of the Simpsons", from The Simpsons
%%
Lisa: "Wait!  Members of the creative community, this could be a blessing in
disguise, a chance to do away with winning and losing.  If you agree with me,
that competition should be a thing of the past, that we should stand together
as peers then we should rip up every winning envelope.  If you agree with me
then stand up and applaud!"
[mild applause]
Homer: "See Lisa, they want to beat each other."
               -- Emmy Awards, from The Simpsons
%%
Lisp Users:
Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
%%
Lisp hackers do it in cars.
%%
Lisp hackers do it with tail recursion.
%%
Lisp hackers first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
%%
Lisp hackers have DEFUN while doing it.
%%
Lisp hackers have Moby dicks.
%%
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
%%
Lisp programmers do it between the parentheses.
%%
Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
%%
Lisp programmers have to be bound to do it.
%%
Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
Lisp Machine is Fun.
Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
Fun for everyone.
%%
List at least two alternate dates.
%%
List each check separately by bank number.
%%
List was current at time of printing.  This supersedes all previous
notices.  This information is subject to change without notice.  All
rights reserved.
%%
Listen intently while others are arguing the problem.  Pounce on a trite
statement and bury them with it.
%%
Listen punk, in my eyes you're nothin' but a dog shit.
Know what can happen to a dog shit?  It can dry up
and blow away in the wind, or it can get scooped up
by a shovel, or it can get stepped on and squashed.
So you better watch it, punk, or you're gonna end up
like that third dog shit.  Squashed.
%%
Listen to my heart beat!
%%
Listen to some music.
%%
Listen to the fools reproach!  It is a kingly title!
%%
Listen to your heart.
%%
Listen to your instincts, and do the opposite.
%%
Listerine kills the germs that can cause bad breath.
%%
Literary critics, like a herd of cows or a school of fish, always face in the
same direction, obeying that love for unity that every critic requires.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Literature is the grindstone to sharpen the coulters, and to whet their
natural faculties.
               -- Hammond
%%
Literature, like anything else, can become a wearisome business if you make a
lifetime specialty of it. A healthy, wholesome man would no more spend his
entire life reading great books than he would packing cookies for Nabisco.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Litigants obey the verdict of a tribunal solely on the premise that there is
an objective rule of conduct.   Now I saw that one man was to be bound by
it, but the other was not, one was to obey a rule, the other was to assert
an arbitrary wish -- his need -- and the law was to stand on the side of the
wish.  Justice was to consist of upholding the unjustifiable.
               -- Judge Narragansett
%%
Litt's Paradox of Deadlines:
       The reason for the rush is the delay
       conversely, the reason for the delay is the rush.
%%
Littering is dumb.
               -- Ronald Macdonald
%%
Little Herbie had been blind since birth.  One day at bedtime, his mother
told him that the next day was a very special one.  If he prayed extra
hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning.  The next
morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard
the night before.
       "Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!"
       "Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that
your prayers have been answered."
Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out,
       "Mother! Mother! I still can't see!"
       "I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool."
%%
Little Jack Horner Sat in a Corner Eating his christmas pie
He stuck in a plumb and pulled out a Thumb
and said, "there's a Dead one in there...."
%%
Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Eating a Christmas pie
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a plum
And said "Holy smoke am I high!"
%%
Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother.  They go to the
elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak.
Johnny points to the pachyderm's privates and says, "Mommy, what"s
that?"  Mommy, seeing the huge member, turns bright red and says, "Oh,
that's nothing.  Never mind.  Come along now."

A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father.  Johnny grabs
his dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a
question.  Once there, Johnny points to the elephant's member and says,
"Daddy, what's that?" Dad replies, "Didn't your mother tell you?"  "Yes,
she told me it was nothing."  "Well, your mom is spoiled, son."
%%
Little Johnny with a grin,
Drank up all of daddy's gin,
Mother said, when he was plastered,
Go to bed, you little love-child.
%%
Little Mary on the ice,
Went out to have a frisk,
Now wasn't little Mary nice,
Her pretty *?
%%
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
And bit her right in the snatch.
%%
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider and sat down besider her
And she squashed it with her spoon.
%%
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider, and sat down beside her and said,
"What ya got in the bowl bitch?"
%%
Little Miss Muffet
Decided to rough it
So she traded her curds for an Uzi;
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her
She blew him away and said, "Scusi".
%%
Little Nanny Etticoat,
In a white petticoat,
And a red nose
The longer she stands,
The shorter she grows.
A candle
%%
Little Prick and the Erector Set
%%
Little Weiner Countries.
               -- President George Bush's term for Third World
                  nations without oil
%%
Little boys love machines; girls adore horses; grown-up men and women like to
walk.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Little joys refresh us constantly, like house-bread, and never bring
disgust; and great ones, like sugar-bread, briefly, and then bring it.
               -- Richter
%%
Little known fact: Oral Roberts has a twin brother named Anal.
%%
Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise
above them.
               -- Washington Irving
%%
Little miss muffet sat on her Tuffet
eating her curds and weigh
along came a spider and sat down beside her

and she ate him also.
%%
Little progress can be made merely by repressing what is bad.  Our great
hope lies in developing what is good.
%%
Little rivers which run into the Nile, Juveniles.
%%
Little strokes fell John B. Oakes.
               -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac
%%
Live Free or Live in Massachusetts.
%%
Live Lent in the fast lane
%%
Live a life worthy of the things that will be said of you when you're dead.
               -- Ambidextrous Rex
%%
Live and learn... Die and forget it all.
%%
Live and let live.
%%
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
               -- James Dean
%%
Live fast, fight hard, and have a beautiful death...
%%
Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
%%
Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
%%
Live life as though someone is writing a book about you.
%%
Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
               -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%%
Live now--procrastinate later
%%
Live now.  There'll be plenty of time to be dead later.
%%
Live so that you can at least get the benefit of the doubt.
               -- Kin Hubbard
%%
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
               -- Josh Billings
%%
Lives in winter,
Dies in summer,
And grows with its root upwards.
%%
Living Dead
the path is
chosen, to live forever is to die
forever.

To not know when you'll
die
is to find
life
wherever you are.
               -- Alagad
%%
Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
%%
Living in New York City gives people real incentives
to want things that nobody else wants.
               -- Andy Warhol
%%
Living poor is best left to those with no money.
%%
Living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just SEEMS like longer.
%%
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And plunged it deep into the VAX;
Don't you envy people who
Do all the things YOU want to do?
               -- Lizzie Borden was acquitted of murdering her father
                  and stepmother on 4 Aug. 1892 in Fall River, Massachusetts
%%
Lizzie Borden took an axe
And gave her mother forty whacks;
When she saw what she had done
She gave her father forty-one!
               -- Lizzie Borden was acquitted of murdering her father
                  and stepmother on 4 Aug. 1892 in Fall River, Massachusetts
%%
Lo!  I am waste!
%%
Lobotomy
%%
Lobster:
       Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the
only proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to
eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial
before they're cooked.  The fact is, lobsters are among the most
ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime
in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its
unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of
the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,
"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a
memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may even take a swipe
at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into the pot.
Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be,
too.
               -- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances
                  and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies"
%%
Local Area Network : A UHF television station that carries high
                    school sporting events.
%%
Local geniuses, Paul and Bob built an engine that uses air as fuel.
"But the biggest problem," says Bob, "is that we can't get it to run."
%%
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: `n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `n'
trivial tasks.
%%
Logic -- an instrument used for bolstering a prejudice.
               -- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
%%
Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
               -- Marvin Minsky
%%
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells BAD.
%%
Logic is a means of CONFIDENTLY being wrong.
%%
Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
%%
Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers which smell bad.
               -- Mr. Spock
%%
Logic is like the sword -- those who appeal to it shall perish by it.
               -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
%%
Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
               -- Joseph Wood Krutch
%%
Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
%%
Logic is the soul of wit, not of wisdom; that's why wit is funny.
               -- Lincoln Steffens
%%
Logic programmers' theme song: The first cut is the deepest
               -- Lindsay Groves
%%
Logic, my dear Zoe, merely enables one to be wrong with authority.
%%
Logicians do it consistently and completely.
%%
Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
%%
Lonely is a man without love.
               -- Englebert Humperdinck
%%
Lonely men seek companionship.  Lonely women sit at home and wait.  They
never meet.
%%
Lonesome?

Like a change?
Like a new job?
Like excitement?
Like to meet new and interesting people?

JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
%%
Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
               -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956), "A Carnival of Buncombe"
%%
Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught.
%%
Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
pain and his aloneness without regret?
               -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
%%
Longevity, like intelligence and good looks and health and strength of
character, is largely a matter of genetic heritage. Choose your parents with
care.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
%%
Look around.
%%
Look at governmental programs for the past fifty years.  Every single
one-- except for warfare--achieved the exact opposite of its announced
goal.
%%
Look at it this way: MSDOS is an overgrown program loader; the MacOS
is an overgrown user interface.  Neither is an operating system, but
the second is better for running applications.
               -- Paul Placeway
%%
Look at it this way:
Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
forget $26,000 of college education.
And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
%%
Look at that stupid girl!
%%
Look at the camera and say "birdie".
%%
Look back at the last year.  You've done well, haven't you?  Celebrate by
getting drunk and consummating your self-love.
%%
Look back on time with kindly eyes,
He doubtless did his best;
How softly sinks his trembling son
In human nature's west!
               -- Emily Dickinson
%%
Look before you leap.
               -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
%%
Look behind you!  Quick!!
%%
Look content.  Like this: "Ooo, contentment, contentment."
%%
Look ere ye leap.
               -- John Heywood
%%
Look not thou upon the wine when it is red, when it giveth his colour
in the cup, when it moveth itself aright.  At the last it biteth like
a serpent, and stingeth like an adder.
               -- Proverbs xxxii 31-32 (The Authorized Version, 1604)
%%
Look not upon the wine when it is yellow, when the colour thereof
shineth in the glass.  It goeth in pleasantly: But in the end, it will
bite like a snake, and will spread abroad poison like a basilisk.
               -- Proverbs xxxii 31-32 (The Douai Version, 1914)
Look on my works ye mighty -- and despair!!!
%%
Look not upon the wine when it is yellow, when the colour thereof
shineth in the glass.  It goeth in pleasantly: But in the end, it will
bite like a snake, and will spread abroad poison like a basilisk.
               -- Proverbs xxxii 31-32
                           (The Douai Version, 1914)

Look not thou upon the wine when it is red, when it giveth his colour
in the cup, when it moveth itself aright.  At the last it biteth like
a serpent, and stingeth like an adder.
               -- Proverbs xxxii 31-32
                           (The Authorized Version, 1604)
%%
Look on my works ye mighty -- and despair!!!
%%
Look out, it's going to slime you!
%%
Look over your shoulder now and then to be sure someone's following you.
               -- Henry Gilmer
%%
Look round the wrecks of play behold,
Estates dismember'd, mortgaged, sold;
Their owners now to jail confin'd,
Show equal poverty of mind.
               -- Gay
%%
Look to be pleasantly surprised sometime around mid-May, 2023.
%%
Look to premature senility to save your self-respect.
%%
Look to your conduct and weigh the favorable signs.
When everything is fulfilled, supreme good fortune comes.
%%
Look up WHALES in the index to Thomas, 4th ed.
%%
Look!  Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
%%
Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
               -- Stephen Sondheim
%%
Looking at postcards is better than looking at the real thing.
%%
Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into a
saloon.  He sidled up to the bar, ordered shot and a beer, and settled back
to enjoy his refreshment.  Suddenly, a man galloped into the bar, shouting,
"Run for your lives!  Big Mike's comin'!"
The drifter watched as most of the locals bolted for the door.  Suddenly,
the bar doors burst open.  An enormous man, standing eight feet tall and
weighing at least 400 pounds, rode in on a bull.  Grabbing the drifter by
the ankle, he tossed him over the bar and thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
The terrified fellow handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man guzzled
in a single gulp and then shattered on the bar.  The drifter stood aghast as
the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched the broken glass and
smacked his lips with relish.
"Can I, ah, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
"Naw, I gotta git," the man grunted.  "Big Mike's comin'."
%%
Looking for true love.  All major credit cards accepted.
%%
Looking pale? Quaff a red potion!
%%
Looking up is as scary as looking down.
%%
Looks like its time for you to go home!
%%
Looks pretty good to us.  It will not... affect our earnings.
               -- Exxon chairman Lawrence Rawl on the settlement he
                  reached with President George Bush's Justice
                  Department following the Exxon Valdez spill
%%
Loosing is nature's way of keeping you from winning.
%%
Lord Dimwit's crown is here.
%%
Lord Falkland's Rule:
   When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make
   a decision.
%%
Lord Finchley tried to mend the Electric Light
Himself.  It struck him dead: and serve him right!
It is the business of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan.
               -- Hilaire Belloc, "Lord Finchley"
%%
Lord of the Disks

Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
Three megs for system source;

One disk to rule them all,
One disk to bind them,
One disk to hold the files
And in the darkness grind 'em.
               -- signature file of Andrew Cole, [email protected]
%%
Lord of the Flies.
%%
Lord, give us the wisdom to utter words that are gentle and tender,
for tomorrow we may have to eat them.
               -- Morris Udall, quoted in "Sierra", May/June 1989
%%
Lord, please let me find a one-armed economist so we won't always hear
'On the other hand...'
               -- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
Lord, the day you made a skunk,
Did you act before you thunk?
%%
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
               -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
%%
Lord, when we are wrong, make us easy to change.  And when we are right,
make us easy to live with.
               -- Peter Marshall
%%
Los Angeles Daily News:
Have you ever had the urge to rip the tag from a pillow or mattress, despite
the warning of dire penalties?  Well, it's perfectly legal now - if you live
in Colorado.  Governor Roy Romer formalized the law by gleefully tearing a
label from a pillow at his office. "I've been worrying about the mattress
inspector jumping through the window for years ..." he said.
%%
Los Angeles Times, March 8, 1990:
       The SR-71 Blackbird spy plane - the one that made a 68-minute
flight from California to Washington, D.C. last Tuesday - was
originally called the RS-71.  But when President Johnson made the
first public announcement of the Blackbird during a national telecast,
he called it the SR-71.  So the designation was changed on 30,000
engineering drawings of the aircraft, making it officially the SR-71.
If the boss says it's an SR-71, it's an SR-71.
%%
Los Angeles law prohibits hunting moths under a street light.
%%
Loses the goat with ease.
No remorse.
%%
Lost ticket pays maximum rate.
%%
Lost: Dog. Missing right front forepaw, blind in one eye,
         black and white fur with patches missing.
         Answers to Lucky.
%%
Lost: gray and white female cat.
Answers to electric can opener.
%%
Lots of fellows think a home is only good to borrow money on.
               -- Kin Hubbard
%%
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
               -- Frank Hubbard
%%
Lots of girls can be had for a song.
Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
%%
Lots of them go to the spring,
but none of 'em ever drink.
Footprints
%%
Louis Wu was alone in the universe, and the universe was a plaything
for Louis Wu.  The most important question in the universe became:  Is
Louis Wu satisfied with himself?
               -- "Ringworld"
%%
Louis Wu, I found your challenge verbose.  In challenging a kzin, a
simple scream of range is sufficient.  You scream and you leap.
               -- Speaker-to-Animals "Ringworld"
%%
Love & Rockets
%%
Love America - or give it back.
%%
Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
%%
Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none; be able for thine enemy rather
in power than use; and keep thy friend under thine own life's key; be
checked for silence, but never taxed for speech.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Love and marriage may go together like a horse and carriage, but when was
the last time you saw one of those?
%%
Love at first sight is not so remarkable.  It's after we've been looking
at each other for years that it becomes remarkable.
%%
Love built on beauty, soon as beauty dies.
               -- John Donne (1572-1631), "Elegy II, The Anagram"
%%
Love conquers all things.
               -- Virgil
%%
Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
               -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%%
Love cures people--both the ones who give it and the ones who
receive it.
               -- Dr. Karl Menninger
%%
Love demands infinitely less than friendship.
               -- George Jean Nathan
%%
Love does not consist in gazing at each other,
but in looking together in the same direction.
               -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%%
Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
%%
Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of trouble, attempts what is above
its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility; for it thinks all
things lawful for itself, and all things possible.  It is therefore able
to undertake all things, and it completes many things, and brings them
to a conclusion, where he who does not love, faints and lies down.
               -- Thomas a Kempis
%%
Love implies anger. The man who is angered by nothing cares about nothing.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
               -- Oscar Hammerstein II
%%
Love is a four letter word
%%
Love is a god
Strong, free, unabounded, and as some define
Fears nothing, pitieth none.
               -- Milton
%%
Love is a grave mental disease.
               -- Plato (428-348? B.C.)
%%
Love is a passion which kindles honor into noble acts.
               -- Dryden
%%
Love is a poster on a post office wall,
a black and white photo two inches tall,
a detailed description with names and with places,
a list of crimes with expressionless faces.
%%
Love is a rose, but you'd better not pick it.
It only grows when it's on the vine
%%
Love is a variation of hopelessness.
Love is the fire in the dragon's mouth,
the sting in the scorpion's tail.
%%
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
               -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971)
%%
Love is a word, a word with a meaning, but just a word.
%%
Love is always open arms.  With arms open you allow love to come and go
as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway.  I you close your arms
about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
%%
Love is an angel disguised as lust...
               -- Patti Smith
%%
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing;
a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
               -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
%%
Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
               -- James Thurber (1894-1961)
%%
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
%%
Love is blond.
               -- Herbert Gold's mother
%%
Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
%%
Love is grand.  Divorce is twenty grand.
%%
Love is in the offing.
               -- The Homicidal Maniac
%%
Love is just a word ...
Just a word without meaning
Just a word without feeling
And it means ......
- #####  ####### #     #
-#     # #        #   #
-#       #         # #
- #####  #####      #
-      # #         # #
-#     # #        #   #
- #####  ####### #     #
%%
Love is just for now... herpes lasts forever.
%%
Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering.  As love
grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
and unquenchable.
               -- Bruce Lee
%%
Love is like age, it can not be hidden
%%
Love is merely madness; and I tell you, deserves as well a dark house
and a whip, as madmen do; and the reason why they are not so punished
and cured, is that the lunacy is so ordinary, that the whippers are in
love too.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Love is missing someone even when they're with you
%%
Love is never asking why?
%%
Love is not altogether a delirium, yet it has many points in common
therewith.  I call it rather a discerning of the infinite in the
finite--of the ideal made real.
               -- Carlyle
%%
Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
%%
Love is not in our choice, but in our fate.
               -- Dryden
%%
Love is only the dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
               -- W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965), "A Writer's Notebook" 1949
%%
Love is strong as death.  Many waters cannot quench love, neither can
the floods drown it; if a man would give all the substance of his
house for love, it would be utterly contemned.
               -- Solomon's Song VIII, 6,7
%%
Love is the greatest power you can have as the Lord's servant.
               -- Sister Kikuchi
%%
Love is the law, love under will!
%%
Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
               -- Saint Exupery
%%
Love is the salt of life; a higher taste It gives to pleasure, and then
makes it last.
               -- Buckingham
%%
Love is the warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
%%
Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise.
%%
Love is when you look into your lover's eyes and see God smiling back at you.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Love is...ten minutes of squelching noises
%%
Love laughs at locksmiths.
%%
Love letters no longer they write us,
To their homes they so seldom invite us.
       It grieves me to say,
       They have learned with dismay,
We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
%%
Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three
weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
%%
Love me little, love me long.
               -- Milton
%%
Love me tender, love me true.
%%
Love means never having to say you're sorry.
               -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
%%
Love means nothing to a tennis player.
%%
Love not! Love not! the thing you love may change,
The rosy lip may cease to smile on you,
The kindly beaming eye grow cold and strange,
The heart still warmly beat, and not for you.
               -- Mrs. Norton
%%
Love quickens all senses except the common.
%%
Love someone.  Anyone.
%%
Love that has nothing but beauty to keep it in good health is short
lived, and apt to have ague fits.
               -- Erasmus
%%
Love the sea?  I dote upon it - from the beach.
%%
Love thy neighbor -- but don't get caught.
%%
Love thy neighbor.  Tune thy piano.
%%
Love to eat them mousies,
Mousies what I love to eat.
Bite they little heads off,
Nibble on they tiny feet.
               -- Kliban
%%
Love turns to lust; angst turns to fire - open your heart to my flaming
desire
%%
Love will find its way
Through paths where wolves would fear to prey,
And if it dares enough 'twere hard
If passion met not some reward.
               -- Byron
%%
Love without irritation is just lust.
%%
Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be bastards.
               -- R. A. Dickson
%%
Love's a disease. But curable.
%%
Love's a matter of degrees; that's true.  (That's true!) It loses it's
perspective when its taken to extremes. That's why we work so hard to
take that love away.
%%
Love's like the measles -- all the worse when it comes late in life.
               -- Jerrola
%%
Love, and a cough, are not concealed.
               -- Ovid
%%
Love, cough, and a smoke, can't be well hid.
               -- Poor Richard
%%
Love, the sole disease thou canst not cure.
               -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
%%
Love, which proclaims thee human bids thee know a truth more lofty in
thy lowliest hour than shallow glory taught to human power, "What's
human is immortal!"
               -- Bulwer
%%
Love? What is love? I want existence.
               -- Marriner, Enlightenment
%%
Loving relationships work because there is no work.
%%
Lowbrow, n.  The kind of person who looks at Picasso and thinks of
baloney.
               -- Leonard L. Levinson
%%
Lower the age of puberty.
%%
Loyalty to a petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human
soul.
               -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Luck is what enabled others to get where they are.  Talent is what
enabled us to get to where we are.
%%
Luck won't last a lifetime, unless you die young, which is unlucky.
%%
Luck: when preparation and opportunity meet.
               -- Pierre E. Trudeau
%%
Lucky Eddie: "It is better to battle well and lose than to battle poorly
            and win."
Hagar the horrible: "Where did you get that from?"
Lucky Eddie: "This guy's tombstone."
%%
Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
%%
Lucy:        Dance, dance, dance.  That is all you ever do.
       Can't you be serious for once?
Snoopy: She is right!  I think I had better think
       of the more important things in life!
       (pause)
       Tomorrow!!
%%
Lull'd in the countless chambers of the brain,
Our thoughts are link'd by many a hidden chain;
Awake but one, and lo, what myriads arise!
Each stamps its image as the other flies.
               -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
%%
Luminance - Title used when addressing the president of National Computer
%%
Lust consumes me like a fungus.
%%
Lust of power is the most flagrant of all the passions.
               -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
%%
Lutheran Chemist Really Alien From Vulcan.
%%
Lying half buried in the mud is an old trunk, bulging with jewels.
%%
Lying here is a crude torch, an old branch with tar on the end.
%%
Lying in the corner of the room is a small brass bell.
%%
Lying increases the creative faculties, expands the ego, lessens the
friction of social contacts....  It is only in lies, wholeheartedly
and bravely told, that human nature attains through words and speech
the forbearance, the nobility, the romance, the idealism, that -- being
what it is -- it falls so short of in fact and in deed.
               -- Clare Boothe Luce (1903-1987)
%%
Lying is your key.
%%
M-I-C  K-E-Y  M-O-U-S-E.
%%
M.A.D.D.:  Midgets Against Desk Drawers.
%%
M.M.Vault cashiers teleport any amount of gold to the next local branch.
%%
M: "Why don't I take you home and give you a thrill?"
F: "You can't do both."
%%
MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator?  Never heard of that.
%%
MACBETH She should have died hereafter;
   There would have been a time for such a word.
   To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
   Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
   To the last syllable of recorded time,
   And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
   The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
%%
MACHINESTS make the best screws.
%%
MACHO:
       Jogging home from a vasectomy.
%%
MACRO - the last half of an expression, for example: "Holy Macro!"
%%
MAD VAX -  The Australian version
%%
MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.
%%
MAGTAPES ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE,
DECTAPES LYING ON THE FLOOR,
ALL NASTY FILES BEING THROWN ON A PYRE
AND OPS.SAV'S AROUND NO MORE

EVERYBODY KNEW A TAPE SEARCH WOULD BE DRAWING NEAR,
TRIED TO GET THEIR TAPES FROM  W A C C C
BUT BIG EGP, WITH A SMILE EAR TO EAR,
REFUSED TO GIVE THE DECTAPES BACK

THEY KNEW THAT DOOM WAS ON ITS WAY
THEY'RE LOSING 'TEST' AND OTHER GOODIES ON THIS DAY,
AND EVERY UFD THAT ISN'T NICE,
WILL BE DELETED ONCE...
       ...OR MAYBE EVEN TWICE!

SO WE'RE OFFERING THIS SIMPLE SONG
TO ALL KIDS WHO LIKE TO HACK
ONLY DO WHAT'S RIGHT...DON'T GET CAUGHT DOING WRONG
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM  W A C C C.
%%
MAID'S DAY OFF

  Thurs.
   Hers
%%
MAIDEN AUNT:
       A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
%%
MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.
%%
MALEK'S LAW:
The simpler and more straightforward a concept, the longer and more
complex the documentation.
%%
MALLERY'S ENGINEERING TRUISM:
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
%%
MALPRACTICE:
       The reason surgeons wear masks.
%%
MANAGEMENT:
       The art of getting other people to do all the work.
%%
MANAGER:
       A man known for giving great meeting.
%%
MANAGERS supervise others.
%%
MANIC-DEPRESSIVE:
       Easy glum, easy glow.
%%
MARCH ON WITH IBM

Verse:

The fame of IBM
Spreads across the seven seas,
Our standards fly aloft,
Proudly waving in the breeze,
With T. J. Watson guiding us
we lead throughout the world,
For peace and trade our
banners are unfurled - unfurled.

Chorus:

March on with IBM
We lead the way,
Onward we'll ever go,
In strong array;
Our thousands to the fore,
Nothing can stem,
Our march forevermore,
With IBM.

March on with IBM
Work hand in hand,
Stout hearted men go forth,
In every land;
Our flags on every shore,
We march with them,
On high forevermore,
For IBM.

A note on sources: these lyrics were from the liner notes to a record
distributed by Advanced Computer Techniques (ACT) Corporation at the
Western Joint Computer Conference circa 1960-62.
%%
MARKETING REPs do it on commission
%%
MARRIAGE:
       The evil aye.
%%
MARTIN'S MAXIM:
In a surplus labor economy, the squeaky wheel does not get greased,
it get's replaced.
%%
MARY LINDSAY: "You look nice and cool Yogi."
YOGI BERRA:   "You don't look so hot yourself."
%%
MASTURBATION...the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT.
%%
MATHEMATICAL MODEL - 46-26-38
MATHEMATICAL CHECK - the renumeration received by a mathematical model
%%
MATURE: Adjective used to describe anything that nobody
        uses anymore.
%%
MAZDICK'S FIRST LAW OF SCIENCE:
Only someone who understands something completely can explain it so
no one else can understand it at all.
%%
MCGOWAN'S MADISON AVENUE AXIOM:
If it's advertised for "less than $100," you can bet it will cost
$99.95.
%%
MEETINGS:
       A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
%%
MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS: ours, not yours
%%
MEMO:
       An interoffice communication too often written more for the
       benefit of the person who sends it than the person who receives it.
%%
MEMORY DUMP - amnesia
%%
MEMORY: A component of a computer that holds data.
        Sometimes it doesn't.  Amount present in a given
        system is calculated in a manner similar to
        REGISTERS (see).


REGISTER:
        A part of a computer's processor that holds
        information for a while.  Number of registers in
        a given system is N-3 where N is the number
        needed to efficiently implement a function.
%%
MENAGE A TROIS:
       Using both hands to masturbate.
%%
METEOROLOGIST:
       A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
%%
METHODOLOGICALLY UNSOUND: Using methodology with which I am unfamiliar.
%%
MEYER'S 3rd LAW:
It is simple to make things complex, but complex to make things simple.
%%
MICRO:
       Thinker toys.
%%
MICROFICHE n, Plankton.
%%
MICROSECOND - the amount of time required for a program to hang up
%%
MIDAS' LAW:
Everything the government touches turns to mold.
%%
MILKMEN deliver twice a week
%%
MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.
%%
MINERS sink deeper shafts.
%%
MINISTERS do it on Sundays.
%%
MIPS, n.  Acronym for "Meaningless Indications of Processor Speed"
               -- Courtesy of Mike Werner
%%
MIRACLE -- something that never happens in our generation.
%%
MIS Definition of an Elegant Frankfurter?
                                 A "haute" dog!
%%
MISFEATURE n. A feature which eventually screws someone, possibly
because it is not adequate for a new situation which has evolved.
It is not the same as a bug because fixing it involves a gross
philosophical change to the structure of the system involved.
Often a former feature becomes a misfeature because a tradeoff was
made whose parameters subsequently changed (possibly only in the
judgment of the implementors).  "Well, yeah, it's kind of a
misfeature that file names are limited to six characters, but we're
stuck with it for now."
%%
MISSILEMEN have better thrust.
%%
MISTRESS:
       Something between a mister and a mattress.
%%
MODELS do it in any position.
%%
MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters
%%
MODESTY:
       Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
%%
MOMENTUM:
       What you give a person when they are going away.
%%
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
  "BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY (MGM/UA).  Michael
   J. Fox is a Manhattan yuppie who worries
   about his identity while wearing $400 suits
   and driving his new BMW.  This is about as
   gritty as Fox ever gets."
%%
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
  "BUCKEYE AND BLUE (Academy).  Two spoiled
   teen-agers from the New York Academy for the
   Performing Arts prance around in Civil War
   duds and say `Yup,' `Nope,' and `Ah reckon.'
   This really sucks."
%%
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
  "E.T. (MCA).  I met him at the Video Software
   Dealers Association Convention in Las Vegas.
   Helluva sweet guy."
%%
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
  "FUNNY FARM (Warners).  A lot of good things
   have gotten screwed up during the 80s.
   Chevy Chase isn't one of them -- he stopped
   being funny in 1977!"
%%
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
  "JUNGLE HEAT (Interglobal).  Lovable,
   obscenity-spewing Peter Fonda teams up with
   frigid, hard-working Deborah Raffin to track
   down a homicidal, gooey 'lost tribe' who
   look like midget Sons of Kong on bad
   Electric Kool-Aid."
%%
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
  "MICHAEL JACKSON'S MOONWALKER (CMV).  As SCTV
   would say, `Stay tuned for THE MAKING OF
   MICHAEL JACKSON'S MOONWALKER, followed by THE
   MAKING OF THE MAKING OF MICHAEL JACKSON'S
   MOONWALKER.'"
%%
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
  "PHANTASM II (MCA).  To make up for featuring
   The Tall Man (Angus Scrimm) for about ten
   minutes, this languid sequel spotlights some
   fairly graphic nudity.  Problem is you're
   never really sure if the androgynous actor
   in question is a man or a woman, and that
   takes a lot of the fun out of it."
%%
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
  "PROMISED LAND (Vestron).  Kiefer Sutherland,
   Meg Ryan, and Tracy Pollan. And they all
   look alike.  And they're all made of
   ticky-tacky."
%%
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
  "REDNECK ZOMBIES (TransWorld).  Ad states
   `Slobbering hillbillies drink some radioactive
   brewsky and become cannibal kinfolk from
   Hell!'  Personally, I would reflect long and
   hard before renting any movie that was shot in
   `entrail-vision.'"
%%
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
  "SCAVENGERS (Academy).  As far as films
   featuring stuntment driving motorcycles out
   of airplanes goes, this is one of the best."
%%
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
  "SLIPPING INTO DARKNESS (Virgin).  `Thrilling
   action occurs when small-town girls seeking
   big-time excitement accidentally kill a young
   boy and must escape the vengeance of his biker
   buddies.'  You meet the nicest people on a
   Honda."
%%
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
  "STARRING TOM AND JERRY! (MGM/UA).  The
   cartoon adventures of a hyper-active cat and
   an anally retentive mouse.  For some reason,
   Simon and Garfunkle originally recorded
   under this name!"
%%
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
  "THE FEAR CHAMBER (Republic).  Boris Karloff
   and his daughter discover a super-intelligent,
   subterranean rock that can only survive on the
   blood of terrified human beings.  Apparently
   the rock plans to conquer the world, though it
   spends most of its time watching bad topless
   dancing."
%%
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
  "THE NEW ADVENTURES OF PIPPI LONGSTOCKING
   (Columbia).  For unfathomable reasons, these
   Pippi movies have a fanatical following
   among the New York punk underground.  You
   figure it out."
%%
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
  "YOUNG GUNS (Vestron).  Big-budget misfire
   stars Emilio Estevez, Kiefer Sutherland, Lou
   Diamond Phillips, Charlie Sheen and two
   others as Hollywood drugstore outlaws.  If
   you made one of them a construction worker
   and another an Indian, they'd be The Village
   People!"
%%
MONOTONY:
       Marriage to one woman at a time.
%%
MONTANA:
       Where men are men and women are sheep.
%%
MORE PEOPLE DIED AT CHAPPAQUIDIK
THAN AT 3-MILE ISLAND
%%
MORLEY'S LAW:
Things go right long enough to lull you into a false sense of security,
then they go totally wrong.
%%
MOTHER:
       Half a word.
%%
MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.
%%
MOVIE STARS do it on film.
%%
MR. COOPER'S LAW:
If you do not understand a word in a piece of technical writing,
ignore it, the piece will make perfect sense without it.
%%
MRS. WEILER'S LAW:
Anything is edible if it is chopped finely enough.
%%
MS-DOS is the OS/360 of the 1980s.
               -- Hal W. Hardenbergh (1985)
%%
MS-DOS must die!
%%
MS-DOS: Just say NO!
%%
MTV is the lava lamp of the 1980s.
               -- Doug Ferrari
%%
MTV: Chewing gum for the eyes.
%%
MUDDLE is written in TECO!
%%
MULTICS MAN!!!!

With his power ring PL-1, backed by the mighty
resources of the powerful H-6880, his faithful
sidekick, the Fso Eagle, and his trusted gang:
"The System Daemons", he fights a never ending
battle for truth, security, and the Honeywell Way!
               -- T Kenney
%%
MUMMY:
       An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
%%
MURPHEY'S ITERATION:
       There is no limit to how bad things can get.
%%
MURPHEY'S LAW FOR THE GOVERNMENT:
       If anything can go wrong, it will...in triplicate.
%%
MURPHEY'S LITTLE KNOWN SECOND LAW:
       If everything must go wrong, don't bet on it.
%%
MURPHEY'S PARADOX:
       Doing it the hard way is always easier.
%%
MURPHEY'S REAL LAW:
       Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy.
%%
MURPHY'S FOURTH LAW
       If there are several things that can go wrong at once, the
       thing that will do the most damage, will
%%
MURPHY'S LAW Corollary 10
       Mother nature is a bitch.
%%
MURPHY'S LAW Corollary 4
       If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a
       procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way
       will promptly develop
%%
MURPHY'S LAW Corollary 6
       Whenever you set out to do something,
       something else must be done first.
%%
MURPHY'S LAW Corollary 7
       Every solution breeds new problems.
%%
MURPHY'S LAW Corollary 8
       It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so
       ingenious.
%%
MURRAY'S LAW:
       Never ask a barber if you need a haircut
%%
MW      Malfunction Whenever
%%
MY  OTHER  CAR  IS  A  REAL  OTA
%%
Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
%%
MacPHERSON'S LAW OF ENTROPY:
It requires more energy to remove an object from it's proper place than
to put it back.
%%
Macaluso's Doctrine: You've never been as sick as just before you
   stop breathing.
%%
Macaw - what I have trouble starting on a cold morning.
%%
Macbeth.--If we should fail --
Lady Macbeth.--We fail?
But screw your courage to the sticking place,
And we'll not fail.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
               -- Andy Warhol
%%
Machines should work.  People should think.
               -- IBM motto
%%
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman
arrives.
%%
Macho does not prove mucho.
               -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
%%
Macomb, Illinois, law makes it illegal for a car to impersonate a wolf.
%%
Madam, I may be drunk, but you're ugly,
and in the morning I'LL be sober.
%%
Made by HONG KONG NOODLE COMPANY
%%
Madison's Inquiry:
       If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
%%
Madness takes its toll.
%%
Madness, we fancy, gave an ill-timed birth
To grinning laughter and to frantic mirth.
               -- Prior
%%
Magary's Principle:
       When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
       government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
       the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
%%
Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
%%
Magic is everywhere!
%%
Magic is real (unless declared integer).
               -- Wiz Zumwalt
%%
Magic users have crystal balls
%%
Magicians do it with rabbits.
%%
Main Article of General Systems Faith: the order of the empirical world
itself has an order which might be called order of the second degree.
               -- Boulding
%%
Maine state law forbids whistling on Sunday.
%%
Maintain eternal vigilance, small squishy thing, and kill anything that
threatens.
               -- Viver farewell saying
%%
Maintenance mode activated. All users will be terminated.
%%
Major actions are rarely decided by more than four people.  If you think
a larger meeting you're attending is really "hammering out" a decision,
you're probably wrong.  Either the decision was agreed to by a smaller
group before the meeting began, or the outcome of the larger meeting
will be modified later when three or four people get together.
               -- Charles Wolf, Jr.
%%
Major changes in construction will always be requested after
fabrication is nearly complete.
%%
Major premise:
       Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
Minor premise:
       A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
Conclusion:
       Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.

Secondary Conclusion:
       Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
       would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
%%
Majorettes do it with guns in their hands
%%
Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
               -- Robert Moses
%%
Make a clean break.
%%
Make a present to yourself.  Make a friend.
%%
Make a promise to yourself.
%%
Make a wish, it might come true. If it does, you'll wish it hadn't.
%%
Make hay while the sun shines.
%%
Make headway at work.  Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
%%
Make input easy to proofread.
%%
Make it do ... Or do without.
%%
Make it possible to write programs in English and you will quickly discover
that programmers do not know how to write in English.
%%
Make it right before you make it faster.
%%
Make it sufficiently difficult for people to do something, and most
people will stop doing it.
               -- Robert Sommer
%%
Make like a Tom and Cruise.
%%
Make like a bottom and split.
%%
Make like a drum and beat it!
%%
Make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here.
%%
Make like a tree and leave.
%%
Make love, not war.
%%
Make money, not war.
               -- slogan popular in libertarian circles in the early 70s
%%
Make new friends but keep the old ones;
One is silver and the other's gold.
%%
Make no laws whatever concerning speech and, speech will be free; so
soon as you make a declaration on paper that speech shall be free, you
will have a hundred lawyers proving that "freedom does not mean abuse,
nor liberty license;" and they will define and define freedom out of
existence.
               -- Voltarine de Cleyre (1866-1912)
%%
Make no little plans; thay have no magic to stir men's blood.
               -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
%%
Make no mistake about it, this president is in charge.  He is in
touch.
               -- Vice President George Bush, on Ronald W. Reagan
%%
Make other people like themselves a little better and rest assured
they'll like you very much.
%%
Make somebody happy and become a ridiculous frog!
%%
Make somebody happy and die!
%%
Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
%%
Make sure comments and code agree.
%%
Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.
%%
Make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes.
%%
Make the most of the day, by determining to spend it on two sort of
acquaintances only -- those by whom something may be got, and those from
whom something may be learned.
               -- Colton
%%
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.
               -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
Make the world a better place and stick a needle in your nose.
%%
Make this evening a memorable one.
%%
Make your enemies by choice, not by accident. The same applies
to friends.
               -- Xavier R. Quinton
%%
Make your own Chtorran joke:

Q.  ____________________________________________?
A.  Lunch
%%
Make your words sweet and tender for tomorrow you may have to eat them.
%%
Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure there is one less
rascal in the world.
               -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
%%
Making a Bussard ramjet was no task for primitives.
               -- "The Ringworld Engineers"
%%
Making progress with the horns is permissible
Only for the purpose of punishing one's own city.
To be conscious of danger brings good fortune.
No blame.
Perseverance brings humiliation.
%%
Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
%%
Malpractice makes malperfect.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Mama mia, that's a spicy meatball!
%%
Mammon has enriched his thousands, and has damned his ten thousands.
               -- South
%%
Man TRAPPED IN ELEVATOR with RICH ROSEN -- EATS OWN FOOT
%%
Man alone suffers so excruciatingly in the world that he was compelled
to invent laughter.
%%
Man and wife make one fool.
%%
Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
               -- Wernher von Braun
%%
Man can believe the impossible, but can never believe the improbable.
               -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
Man can live without air for seconds, without water for days, without food
for weeks, and without ideas for years.
%%
Man cannot survive except through his mind.  He comes on this earth
unarmed.  His brain is his only weapon.  Animals obtain food by force.
Man has no claws, no fangs, no horns, no great strength of muscle.  He
must plant his food or hunt it.  To plant, he needs a process of thought.
To hunt, he needs weapons, and to make weapons -- a process of thought.
>From this simplest necessity to the highest religious abstraction, from
the wheel to the skyscraper, everything we are and everything we have
comes from a single attribute of man -- the function of his reasoning
mind.
               -- Howard Roark
%%
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact
that sometimes he has to eat them.
               -- Adlai Stevenson
%%
Man does work for profit in order to enjoy pain; but in a positive
sense, he works to enjoy the excitement and meaning that achievement
provides for his own psychological growth and thereby his happiness.
               -- Frederick Herzberg
%%
Man flogging a dead horse has traits of sadism,
necrophilia and bestiality.
%%
Man had achieved FREEDOM FROM -- without yet having achieved FREEDOM TO
-- to be himself, to be productive, to be fully awake.
               -- Erich Fromm (1900-1980)
%%
Man has a limited biological capacity for change. When this capacity is
overwhelmed, the capacity is in future shock.
               -- Alvin Toffler
%%
Man has a single basic choice:  to think or not, and that is the
gauge of his virtue.  Moral perfection is an unbreached rationality
-- not the degree of your intelligence, but the full and relentless
use of your mind, not the extent of your knowledge, but the acceptance
of reason as an absolute.
               -- John Galt
%%
Man has been called a rational being, but rationality is a matter
of choice -- and the alternative his nature offers him is:  rational
being or suicidal animal.  Man has to be man -- by choice; he has
to hold his life as a value -- by choice; he has to learn to sustain
it -- by choice; he has to discover the values it requires and
practice his virtues -- by choice.
A code of values accepted by choice is a code of morality.
               -- John Galt
%%
Man has his will.  Woman has her won't!
%%
Man has lost the capacity to foresee and to forestall. He will end by
destroying the earth.
               -- Albert Schweitzer
%%
Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
               -- Fred Allen
%%
Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
%%
Man is a blind, witless, low-brow, anthropocentric clod who inflicts
lesions upon the earth.
               -- Ian McHarg
%%
Man is a military animal,
Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
               -- P. J. Bailey
%%
Man is a thinking being, whether he will or no; all he can do is to turn
his thoughts the best way.
               -- Sir W. Temple
%%
Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
no dog exchanges bones with another.
               -- Adam Smith (1723-1790)
%%
Man is born to trouble, as the sparks fly upward.
               -- Job v, 7
%%
Man is but a reed, the weakest in nature, but he is a thinking reed.
               -- Blaise Pascal, "Pensees", 1670
%%
Man is by nature a political animal.
               -- Aristotle
%%
Man is by nature metaphysical and proud. He has gone so far as to think
that the idealistic creations of his mind, which correspond to his
feelings, also represent reality.
               -- Claude Bernard
%%
Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he
is responsible for everything he does.
               -- Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
%%
Man is demolishing nature ... We are killing things that keep us alive.
               -- Thor Heyerdahl
%%
Man is descended from a hairy, tailed quadruped, probably arboreal in its
habits...  For my part I would as soon be descended from [a] baboon
.. as from a savage who delights to torture his enemies ... treats
his wives like slaves ... and is haunted by the grossest suspicions.
               -- Charles Darwin (1809-1882)
%%
Man is forbidden to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.  He
acts against God's command ... From the standpoint of the Church, which
represents authority, this is essentially sin.  From the standpoint of
man, however, this is the beginning of human freedom.
               -- Erich Fromm (1900-1980)
%%
Man is nature's sole mistake.
               -- William S. Gilbert (1836-1911)
%%
Man is the lowest cost, 150 pound, nonlinear, all-purpose
computer system which can be mass produced by unskilled labor.
               -- A 1965 NASA, man-in-space report
%%
Man is the measure of all things, of things that are that they are,
and of things that are not that they are not.
               -- Protagoras of Adera (481-411 B.C.)?
%%
Man is the only animal that blushes--or needs to.
               -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Man is the only animal that contemplates death, and also the only animal
that shows any sign of doubt of its finality.
               -- William Ernest Hocking
%%
Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal
that is struck with the difference between what things are and what
they ought to be.
               -- William Hazlitt (1778-1830)
%%
Man is the only creature endowed with the power of laughter; is he not
the only one that deserves to be laughed at?
               -- Grenville
%%
Man know thyself!  All writing centers there.
               -- Young
%%
Man may dismiss compassion from his heart, but God never will.
               -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
%%
Man must accept responsibility for himself ... There is no meaning to
life except the meaning man gives his life by the unfolding of his
powers.
%%
Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
               -- Arthur R. Miller
%%
Man never fastened one end of a chain around the neck of his brother,
that God's own hand did not fasten around the neck of the oppressor.
               -- Lamartine
%%
Man proposes, God disposes.
               -- Thomas a Kempis
%%
Man shall never reach his full capacity while chained to the earth. We
must take wing and conquer the heavens.
               -- Icarus
%%
Man there's an opera out on turnpike and a ballet being fought out in
the alley
%%
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
unless it is an enemy.
               -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
%%
Man was created to complete the horse.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
               -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so
long ago.
               -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
Man who arrives at party two hours late will probably
find he has been beaten to the punch.
%%
Man who dance in crowded ballroom
dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
%%
Man who get hit by car,get that run down feeling
%%
Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
%%
Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
%%
Man will never fly.
Space travel is merely a dream.
All aspirin is alike.
%%
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
%%
Man year: 730 people working feverishly until noon.
%%
Man's a kind of missing link.
Fondly thinking he can think.
               -- Piet Hein
%%
Man's character is his fate.
               -- Heraclitus (540?-480? B.C.)
%%
Man's deliberate destruction of his own habitat--planet Earth--could serve as
a mighty theme for a mighty book worthy of a modern Melville or Tolstoy. But
our best fictioneers confine themselves to domestic drama--soap opera with
literary trimmings.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Man's greatest inventions are few...
Though pundits are prone to rate two
       As virtually clever--
       The wheel and the lever--
More essential by far is the screw!
%%
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
%%
Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent,
Some say not even indecent.
But if you lust,
It's a must!
%%
Man's mind is his basic tool of survival.  Life is given to him, survival is
not.  His body is given to him, its sustenance is not.  His mind is given to
him, its content is not.  To remain alive, he must act, and before he can
act he must know the nature and purpose of his action.  He cannot obtain his
food without a knowledge of food and of the way to obtain it.  He cannot dig
a ditch -- or build a cyclotron -- without a knowledge of his aim and the
means to achieve it.  To remain alive, he must think.
               -- John Galt
%%
Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
%%
Man's rich with little, were his judgment true;
Nature is frugal, and her wants are few;
These few wants, answer'd bring sincere delights;
But fools create themselves new appetites.
               -- Young
%%
Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
               -- Sydney J. Harris
%%
Man's unique reward, however, is that while animals survive by
adjusting themselves to their background, man survives by
adjusting his background to himself.  If a drought strikes them,
animals perish -- man builds irrigation canals; if a flood strikes
them, animals perish -- man builds dams; if a carnivorous pack
attacks them, animals perish -- man writes the Constitution of
the United States.  But one does not obtain food, safety or
freedom -- by instinct.
               -- Ayn Rand
%%
Man, in the unsearchable darkness, knoweth one thing
That as he is, so was he made; and if the Essence
And characteristic faculty of humanity
Is our conscient Reason and our desire of knowledge
That was Nature's Purpose in the making of man.
               -- Robert Bridges
%%
Man-machine identity is achieved not by attributing human attributes to
the machine, but by attributing mechanical limitations to man.
%%
Man: "Table for 4, please"
Maitre d: "Do you have reservations, sir?"
Man:  "Yes, we do.  But we thought we'd try your place anyhow."
%%
Management directs and controls change.
               -- Thomas L. Martin
%%
Management is incapable of recognizing a true crisis.
               -- Gene Franklin
%%
Management reaction test:
1) You are making a presentation to the corporate executives in the plushest
  office you've ever seen.  The lunch you had creates severe pressure. You
  lose control and break wind, causing the glass bookcase doors to shatter and
  a secretary to pass out. YOU SHOULD:
a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has dissipated.
b) Point to the Chief Executive and say "Why did you do that?".
c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.

2) You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
  uncontrollable desire to pick your nose.  Since this is definitely a no-no,
  you:
a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid motion,
  bury  your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th joint.
b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize to the
  one who makes his nose bleed first.
c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, blow
  your nose on your sock.

3) You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin. You tell your
  boss that nobody but whores and football players live there. He mentions
  that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your name.
b) Ask what position she played.
c) Ask if she is still working the streets.

4) You have prepared a proposal for your boss. The success of this proposal
  will mean a 20% salary increase. In the middle of your proposal your boss
  leans over to look at your report and spits into your coffee. You:
a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" basket.
%%
Management will select actions or events and convert them to crises.  It
will then over-react.
               -- Gene Franklin
%%
Management's biggest problem is all the unemployed people on the payroll.
%%
Managers do it by delegation.
%%
Managers make others do it.
%%
Managing change and innovation.
%%
Mandy Torpedoes
%%
Manifestation of holding together.
In the hunt the king uses beaters on three sides only
And foregoes game that runs off in front.
The citizens need no warning.
Good fortune.
%%
Mankind has become so much one family that we cannot insure our own
prosperity except by insuring that of everyone else.  If you wish to be
happy yourself, you must also resign yourself to seeing others also
happy.
               -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967)
%%
Mankind is divided into rich and poor, into property owners and
exploited; and to abstract oneself from this fundamental division and
from the antagonism between poor and rich means abstracting oneself from
fundamental facts.
               -- Joseph Stalin (1879-1953)
%%
Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
               -- Plotinus
%%
Mankind is the only one of God's creatures who will foul his own nest.
               -- Mildred Martin
%%
Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind.
               -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963)
%%
Mankind would be vastly poorer if it had not been for men who were
willing to take risks against the longest odds.  Even if it could be
done, we would be foolish to try to stamp out this willingness in man to
buck seemingly hopeless odds.  Our problem is how to remain properly
venturesome and experimental without making fools of ourselves.
               -- Bernard Baruch
%%
Mankind's struggle upwards, in which millions are trampled to death,
that thousands may mount on their bodies.
               -- Clara Lucas Balfour
%%
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the
   wrong conclusion with confidence.
%%
Manny Happeereeturns
%%
Manny, Moe, and Jack.  They know what I'm after.
%%
Manual? ... What manual ?!?
This is Unix, My son, You just GOTTA Know!!!
%%
Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a
factor of 0.5.
%%
Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
%%
Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
               -- George M. Cohan
%%
Many a family tree needs trimming.
%%
Many a girl at loose ends is anxious to be tied up.
%%
Many a man gets to the top of the ladder, and then finds out it has been
leaning against the wrong wall.
%%
Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
               -- Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936)
%%
Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage
with a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
%%
Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that
God is a cruel and capricious tyrant.
               -- Edward Gibbon (1734-1794)
%%
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
But she can never catch him at it.
%%
Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced.
%%
Many a writer seems to thing he is never profound
except when he can't understand his own meaning.
               -- George D. Prentice
%%
Many alligators will be slain,
but the swamp will remain.
%%
Many an optimist has become rich by buying out a pessimist
%%
Many are called, but few are chosen.
%%
Many are prone to garnish the graves of past prophets and mentally
stone living prophets.
               -- Spencer W. Kimball
%%
Many books require no thought from those who read them, for a very
simple reason--they made no such demand upon those who wrote them.
Those works, therefore, are the most valuable that set our thinking
faculties in the fullest operation.
               -- Colton
%%
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
%%
Many empty Coke bottles are here.  Alas, they can't hold water.
%%
Many hands make light work.
               -- John Heywood
%%
Many journeys end here,
But the secret's told the same.
Life is just a candle
And a dream must give it flame.
               -- Neil Peart, Rush
%%
Many live by their wits but few by their wit.
               -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
                  (On the other hand, the witty man merely says
                  what you would have said if you had thought of it.)
%%
Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured.  For instance, the
degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their fidgets.
I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the Royal
Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally read.
[...]  The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time by the number
of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute.  They are not counted
mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers successively.  The
counting is reserved for the fidgets.  These observations should be confined
to persons of middle age.  Children are rarely still, while elderly
philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
               -- Francis Galton (1909)
%%
Many might go to heaven with half the labor they go to hell.
               -- Ben Johnson
%%
Many monsters make a murdering mob.
%%
Many nice things suck.
%%
Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
               -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
%%
Many of the truths we cling to are greatly the result of our own point
    of view
%%
Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.
               -- Obi-Wan Kenobi in "Return of the Jedi"
%%
Many of us spend half our life wishing for things we could have if we
didn't spend half our time wishing.
               -- Alexander Woollcott
%%
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket bibles which are on very
very thin paper.
%%
Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
%%
Many people are secretly interested in life.
%%
Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
%%
Many people feel that if you won't let
them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
%%
Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
%%
Many people go throughout life committing partial suicide -- destroying
their talents, energies, creative qualities.  Indeed, to learn how to be
good to oneself is often more difficult than to learn how to be good to
others.
               -- Joshua Leibman
%%
Many people have the ambition to succeed in their work; they may even
have special aptitude for their job.  And yet they do not move ahead.
Why?  Perhaps they think that since they can master the job, there is no
need to master themselves.
               -- John Stevenson
%%
Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
%%
Many people think that raindrops are shaped like pears, but high speed
photos show them to be flat-bottomed with rounded tops - not unlike
mushrooms.
%%
Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
%%
Many politicians ... are in the habit of laying it down as a
self-evident proposition, that no people ought to be free till they are
fit to use their freedom.  The maxim is worthy of the fool ... who
resolved not to go into the water till he had learned to swim.
               -- Thomas Babington Macaulay (1800-1859)
%%
Many receive advice, few profit by it.
               -- Publilius Syrus
%%
Many suitcases look alike.
%%
Many times we will get more and better ideas in two hours of creative
loafing than in eight hours at a desk.
               -- Wilferd A. Peterson
%%
Many writers are bad at being promiscuous with women, from the certainty
of knowing how the affair will end before it has even begun.
               -- Andrew Sinclair, "No Man More Magical"
%%
Many years ago, the conductor of the New York Philharmonic
Orchestra was a man named Josef Stransky.  Stransky was
arrested, tried, and convicted for perpetrating violence
on Mozart, Beethoven, Brahms, and other victims.  He was
sentenced to death in the electric chair.

On the day appointed for his execution, Stransky was strapped
into the lethal chair.  The executioner stepped up to the
switch, and pulled it!

BUZZZZZ!!!   ZAPPPP!!!  When the smoke cleared, the witnesses
were astonished to see Stransky still very much alive, smiling
at them from his seat in the Chair.

The executioner, puzzled, thought there must have been a
fault in the wiring, so he called the Chief Electrician.
The electrician came, took one look at the scene, and
said,

   "You cannot execute this man! You see.....
   "HE'S A NON-CONDUCTOR!!!"
%%
Maple/MACSYMA - All-terrain vehicles.
%%
Mar  1 1988
"I'm going to a commune in Vermont, and will deal with
no unit of time less than a season."
               -- resignation note of a DG engineer,
                  from "Soul of a New Machine"
%%
Mar  5 1988
Written between the tiles in a mens' room at George Mason Univ.:
 "Down and Grout in Beverly Hills"
 "True Grout"
 "Twist and Grout"
 "Groutful Dead"
 "What's it all a-Grout, Alfie?"
 "For a Grout time, call Denise"
 "Grout, Grouter, Groutest"
 "Grout Fishing in America"
 "Kilgore Grout"
 "These sayings are driving me Grout of my mind..."
%%
Mar 10 1988
"I'm in charge, here."
               -- General Alexander Haig
%%
Mar 9 1988
"What you're thinking isn't true."
"Good, then George Bush ISN'T married to his mother."
               -- dialog from "The Golden Girls"
%%
March 21 -The IRS releases an even newer, simpler W-4 form in response to
complaints from a number of taxpayers, all of whom will be audited for
the rest of their lives.
               -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
March 27 -- In what is hailed as a major arms-race breakthrough, U.S. and
Soviet arms negotiators in Geneva agree to wear matching outfits.
               -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
Marching to a different kettle of fish.
%%
Mardon me padam, I see you are occupewing the wrong pie. May I so you to
another sheet? I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep
I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
%%
Mares eat oats and does eat oats,
but little lambs eat ivy.
A kid'll eat ivy too;
wouldn't you?
%%
Margaret Fuller: I accept the universe.
Thomas Carlyle:  Gad! she'd better!
%%
Margaret, are you grieving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leaves, like the things of man,
You, with your fresh thoughts
Care for, can you?
Ah! as the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
And yet you will weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name
Sorrow's springs are the same:
It is the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.
               -- Gerard Manley Hopkins
%%
Marge: "Bart, you love your sister, don't you?"
Bart:  "Don't make me say it.  I know the answer.  You know the answer.  He
knows the answer.  Let's just drop it, okay?"
               -- "Moaning Lisa", from The Simpsons
%%
Marge: "You don't even know why you're sorry!"
Homer: "Yes I do.  Because I'm hungry, my shirt is smelly, and I'm tired!"
               -- "Homer's Night Out", from The Simpsons
%%
Maria Montessori taut me to rite at age too.
%%
Marijuana is like Coors beer.  If you could buy the damn stuff
at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it.
               -- Billy Carter
%%
Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
it in order to protect themselves.
               -- Lenny Bruce
%%
Marilyn Monroe?  A vacuum with nipples.
%%
Marines are like bananas;
they're born green;
they turn yellow;
and they die in bunches.
%%
Mark Griswold, NICS-TARE scapegoat.
%%
Mark all Mathematical heads which be wholly and only bent on these
sciences, how solitary they be themselves, how unfit to live with other,
how unapt to serve the world.
               -- Roger Ascham (ca. 1550)
%%
Mark is a crumb!
%%
Mark this well, you proud men of action!  You are, after all, nothing
but unconscious instruments of the men of thought.
               -- Heinrich Heine (1797-1856)
%%
Market Street unless they are on a leash.
%%
Marketing is a fashionable term.  The sales manager becomes a marketing
vice-president.  But a grave digger is still a grave digger even when
he is called a mortician--only the price of burial goes up.
%%
Marriage Banns: 8th Century, Europe

    Curing European feudal times, all public announcements concerning
deaths, taxes, or births were called "banns."  Today we use the term
exclusively for an announcement that two people propose to marry.  That
interpretation began as a result of an order by Charlemagne, king of the
Franks, who on Christmas Day in AD 800 was crowned Emperor of the
Romans, marking the birth of the Holy Roman Empire.
    Charlemagne, with a vast region to rule, had a practical medical
reason for instituting marriage banns.
    Among rich and poor alike, a child's parentage was not always
clear; an extramarital indiscretion could lead to a half-brother and
half-sister marrying, and frequently did.  Charlemagne, alarmed by the
high rate of sibling marriages, and the subsequent genetic damage to the
offspring, issued an edict throughout his unified kingdom: All marriages
were to be publicly proclaimed at least seven days prior to the
ceremony.  To avoid consanguinity between the prospective bride and
groom, any person with information that the man and women were related
as brother or sister, or as half-siblings, was ordered to come forth.
The practice proved so successful that it was widely endorsed by all
faiths.
%%
Marriage Ceremony: An incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and
the law being dragged into the affairs of your family.
               -- O. C. Ogilvie
%%
Marriage causes dating problems.
%%
Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the feast.
               -- Colton
%%
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
%%
Marriage is a good deal like taking a bath -- not so hot once you get
accustomed to it.
%%
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution,
yet.
               -- Mae West
%%
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
%%
Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
               -- Roger Price
%%
Marriage is a three-ring circus: first, there's the engagement ring,
then there's the wedding ring, and finally, the suffering.
%%
Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.
%%
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to spend their life in an
institution?
%%
Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
%%
Marriage is distinctly and repeatedly excluded from heaven.
Is this because it is thought likely to mar the general felicity?
               -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902), "Notebooks" 1912
%%
Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
%%
Marriage is like a cafeteria.  You pick out something that looks good,
and you pay later.
%%
Marriage is like a hot bath.  Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
%%
Marriage is like a mousetrap.  Those on the outside are trying to get in.
Those on the inside are trying to get out.
%%
Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the burden
of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
               -- Calvin Trillin
%%
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
%%
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.
               -- Richard Pryor
%%
Marriage is the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly
of the chaise lounge.
               -- Mrs. Patrick Campbell
%%
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
               -- Unknown
%%
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
%%
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second marriage is
the triumph of hope over experience.
%%
Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
%%
Marriage laws, the police, armies and navies are the mark of
human incompetence.
               -- Dora Russell (1894-?)
%%
Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster
that devours everything: familiarity.
               -- Honore de Balzac, "The Physiology of Marriage", 1829
%%
Marriage, being a lifelong venture, must be approached with care and caution.
               -- Bluebeard
%%
Marriage?  Sorry, I can't mate in captivity.
%%
Married couples who quarrel bitterly every day may really need each other as
deeply as those who appear to be desperately in love.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Marry money.
%%
Marry your mistress, create a job vacancy.
%%
Mars is missing.
               -- The Hindmost "The Ringworld Engineers"
%%
Marshal Goering was a fat man because he was one of Hitler's stoutest
supporters.
%%
Marshall McLuhan is print-oriented.
%%
Marshall's Dad:  "Anything good on the old boob tube?"
Simon's brother: "You do not want to know."
               -- Edgar and Harley, "Scarest Home Videos", Eerie Indiana
%%
Marshall's generalized iceberg theorem:
       Seven-eighths of everything can't be seen.
%%
Marshall/Omri: "Wait... uh... What's my motivation?"
Joe Dante:     "Your motivation is you say a few words, you go outside,
               you get shot, and you die. Because I said so."
               -- "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana
%%
Marshall:      "Wh-wh-what do you mean wh-when you say - 'dead'?"
Jose Schaefer: "I mean 'offed'"
Dash X:        "'snuffed'"
Jose Schaefer: "'kicked the bucket'"
Dash X:        "'pushing up daisies'"
Jose Schaefer: "'bought the farm'"
Dash X:        "Did I mention 'rigor mortis'?"  [chuckle]
               -- "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana
%%
Marshall:   "You gotta stop this.  They don't even know what they're
            buying."
%%
Marshall:  "So... what exactly happened to all the guys who saw the wolf
           before?"
Mr Chaney: "Uh... they're in... Spain."
               -- "Mr. Chaney", Eerie Indiana
%%
Marshall:  "What are those?"
Prop Man:  "Squibs, for when the bullets hit you."
Marshall:  "What's he using, an uzzi?"
Dash X:    "Oh Lyle, Lyle, those won't be necessary.  We'll be doing
           this take _au naturel_."  [evil chuckle]
               -- "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana
%%
Marshall: "... So now Dad's all freaked out that he's got this old
          people's disease that makes him lose stuff. He's pushing 35,
          you know."
Simon:    "Scary."
               -- "The Losers", Eerie Indiana
%%
Marshall: "And when he bit down on the remote control he caused some
          sort of video feedback timewarp zapping thing."
Mummy:    "Of course, why didn't I think of that."
               -- "Scariest Home Videos", Eerie Indiana
%%
Marshall: "Hey, Mr. Radford.  How come you aren't pressing any charges
          against that impostor guy?"
Radford:  "Well, in spite of all his faults, 'that guy' was one hell
          of a salesman.  He moved more merchandise in six months
          with me tied up in the basement than I made in my best year.
          You just can't find help like that anymore."
               -- "Hole in the Head Gang", Eerie Indiana
%%
Marshall: "It's too quiet. I don't hear the pitter-patter of little
          monsters, Simon."
Simon:    "Bad sign."
               -- "Who's Who", Eerie Indiana
%%
Marshall: "Poor lady, she doesn't stand a chance."
Simon:    "Harley (tap, tap on TV screen), Harley, Harley Schwarzenegger
          Holmes, you leave that poor lady alone right now or I'm going
          to come in there and blister your butt. Do you hear me?"
Harley:   "Hee Hee"
Marshall: "Oh he's really scared now."
               -- "Scarest Home Videos", Eerie Indiana
%%
Marshall: "Right, here's the key to the evidence locker. You know what
          to do if I don't come back."
Simon:    "I go straight to the President, and if I can't get through
          to him, I tell your mom and dad."
Marshall: "Check."
               -- "Foreverware", Eerie Indiana
%%
Marshall: "Say - aren't you...?"
Elvis:    "You in love, little paperboy?"
Marshall: "Well, uh... uh, maybe.  How'd you know?"
Elvis:    "It's the eyes.  They give you away every time."
Marshall: "That's it.  I'm gettin' sunglasses."
               -- "Heart on a Chain", Eerie Indiana
%%
Marshall: "Simon - if anything happens -"
Simon:    "I can have your bike?"
               -- "Tornado Days", Eerie Indiana
%%
Marshall: "Who do these Tasmanian devils think they are, anyway?"
Sara Bob: "My brothers."
               -- "Who's Who", Eerie Indiana
%%
Marshall: "Why do you have gray hair?"
Dash X:   "I'm starting a trend, OK?!?"
               -- "The Hole in the Head Gang", Eerie Indiana
%%
Martha: What did you get for the density of the block, George?
George: Well, it weighed about 17 pounds, and had a volume of about 29
cubic feet, so I guess the density is .58620689551 pounds per cubic foot.
This calculator is really swell!
               -- "I Think Therefore I Laugh" by John Allen Paulos:
%%
Martin's Mutilated Meat Market.
Marvin Martin here.
%%
Martyrdom has always been a proof of the intensity, never of the
correctness of a belief.
               -- Arthur Schnitzler (1882-1931)
%%
Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
grasshopper.  Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
       "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased.  "They've
named a drink Fred?"
%%
Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
%%
Mary had a little RAM -- only about a MEG or so.
%%
Mary had a little lamb and when she saw it sicken,
She sent it off to Packingtown and now it's labeled "chicken."
%%
Mary had a little lamb, a little beef, a little ham.
%%
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.

It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.

She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.

It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.

The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
Until she heard a mournful "baaa" coming from her car's seat.

Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
%%
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket.
And every time she let it out,
The bulldog used to
Chase it around the garden.
%%
Mary had a little lamb;
       ...that's what she gets for sleeping in a barn.
%%
Mary had a little sheep,
And with the sheep she went to sleep,
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb.
%%
Mary had a little watch;
She swallowed it one day.
And so she took some Ex-Lax
To pass the time away.

But when she took the Ex-Lax
The time it did not pass.
So when you want to know the time,
Just look up Mary's ...
               uncle, he has a watch, too.
%%
Mary had a little watch
she swallowed it one day
and now she's taking castor oil
to pass the time away

Eamon
%%
Mary owned a little lamb,
Its fleece was pale as snow,
And every place its mistress went
It certainly would go;
It followed Mary to class one day
It broke a rigid law;
It made the students giggle aloud,
A lamb in class all saw.

Mary had a pygmy lamb,
His fleece was pale as snow,
And every place where Mary walked
Her lamb did also go;
He came inside her classroom once,
Which broke a rigid rule;
How children all did laugh and play
On seeing a lamb in school.

Mary had a tiny lamb,
Its wool was pallid as snow,
And any spot that Mary did walk
This lamb would always go;
This lamb did follow Mary to school,
Although against a law;
How girls and boys did laugh and play,
That lamb in class all saw.

Polly owned one little sheep
Its fleece shown white like snow,
Every region where Polly went
The sheep did surely go;
He followed her to school one time,
Which broke the rigid rule;
The children frolicked in their room
To see the sheep in school.
%%
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?

I'm not an agricultural expert,
So how am I supposed to know?
%%
Maryann's Law:
       You can always find what you're not looking for.
%%
Maryland law makes it illegal to knock a freight train off the tracks.
%%
Maslow's Maxim:
       If the only tool you have is a hammer, you treat everything like a nail.
%%
Masochist's Battle Cry -
       Stop it again!!!  Quit it some more!!!
%%
Mason's First Law of Synergism:
       The one day you'd sell you soul for something, souls are a glut.
%%
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
%%
Massachusetts law states that it is a crime to
lounge on the shelves in a bakery.
%%
Massachusetts law states that peanuts may not be eaten in court.
%%
Massachusetts makes it unlawful to duel with water pistols.
%%
Master Baiter
%%
Mastermind specialist subject - the bleedin' obvious..
%%
Masturbation is coming unscrewed.
%%
Mater artium necessitas.
       [Necessity is the mother of invention].
%%
Math is the language God used to write the universe.
%%
Math is tough!
               -- Barbie
%%
Mathematician:  2 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime,
               7 is prime, 11 is prime...

Physicist:  2 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime,
           7 is prime, 9 is prime (experimental error), 11 is prime...

Engineer:   2 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime,
           7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime...

Computer Scientist: 2 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime,
                   3 is prime, 3 is prime, 3 is prime, ...

Artificial Intelligence Expert: 7 is prime, 5 is prime, 3 is prime,
                   2 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, ....

Engineering Technician:  3 is prime.

Probablist:  2 is prime (p = 1), 3 is prime (p = 1), 5 is prime (p = 1)
            7 is prime (p = 1), 9 is prime (p = 1/2), ...

Statistician:  2 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 8 is prime, ...
              [the density of primes within the positive integers
              is asymptotic to 1/[n*ln(n)]
%%
Mathematicians do it an uncountable number of times.
%%
Mathematicians do it continuously.
%%
Mathematicians do it exponentially!
%%
Mathematicians do it in groups.
%%
Mathematicians do it in theory.
%%
Mathematicians do it necessarily and sufficiently.
%%
Mathematicians do it with a small imaginary part.
%%
Mathematicians do it with imaginary parts.
%%
Mathematicians do it with pencils.
%%
Mathematicians do it, theoretically.
%%
Mathematicians have to prove they did it.
%%
Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
               -- Henry Brooks Adams (1838-1918)
%%
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
%%
Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts to each
other without consideration of their relation to experience.
               -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
%%
Mathematics gets its semblance of reality by never saying what it is
talking about.
               -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967)
%%
Mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
               -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967)
%%
Matrimony is a process by which a grocer acquired an account the
florist had.
               -- Francis Rodman
%%
Matrimony is the root of all evil.
%%
Matt Groening, creator of "The Simpsons",
speaking on fans of "The Simpsons":

"I have this comic strip called 'Life In Hell',
which runs in 200 newspapers, and I get a lot of
fan mail from generally articulate, literate people.
And now I walk down the street and I see people
wearing Simpsons T shirts who I'm afraid might
beat me up, so the quality of fans has broadened.
The people who are my fans now frighten me."
               -- from "Newsweek" magazine, June 18, 1990, page 13
%%
Matt Jones, fashion consultant.
%%
Mature software:  code old enough that for every bug fixed, one or more new
bugs are created.
               -- Karl Lehenbauer, [email protected]
%%
Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature.
%%
Maturity: Acting your age instead of your urge.
               -- Frank Tyger
%%
Matz's Law:
       A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
%%
Maxi Monster Madness / Monsters on the march
They eat major cities / And everyone's dead
       Doot doot doot.
%%
Maxie Mumoverdrive
%%
Maxims are the condensed good sense of nations.
               -- Sir J. Mackintosh
%%
Maximum verbosity.
%%
May 12 -- U.S. drug agents become concerned when aerial photographs reveal
that several dozen Bahamian "islands" are in fact enormous piles of some
kind of white powdery substance.
               -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
May 29 -- Nineteen-year-old German Mathias Rust, flying a single-engined
Cessna airplane, manages to cross 400 miles of Soviet airspace to reach
Red Square in Moscow, where he narrowly avoids colliding with a Delta
Air Lines flight en route from Pittsburgh to Cleveland.
               -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
May 3 -- Like a raging unquenchable forest fire, the Gary Hart story sweeps
across the nation, as voters are consumed by a burning need to know more
about the candidate's monetary views.  Rumors abound that Hart, at
various times in his career, may also have had views on a number of
other issues.
               -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
May 30 -- Caspar Weinberger orders 5,000 single-engine Cessna airplanes.
               -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
May 5 -- The Iran-Contra hearings begin with Sen. Daniel Inouye doing his
hilarious two-hour impersonation of a 78 r.p.m. record being played at
33 r.p.m.
               -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
May 6 -- An angry Gary Hart is forced to withdraw from the race after word
leaks out that The Washington Post has obtained documented evidence that
he once proposed tying the prime rate to the Index of Leading Economic
Indicators.
               -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
May God answer all your prayers -- then mistake your worst enemy for
you.
%%
May God give you a long life of a hundred and twenty and not one day
without pain, sorrow, and suffering.
%%
May Rothschild make you his heir, then outlive you.
%%
May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
%%
May all your PUSHes be POPped.
%%
May all your boils, sores, scabs, scurfs, and carbuncles be little ones.
%%
May all your debtors pay off your partner in cash while you're out of
the city.
%%
May all your dreams come true, and may you have only nightmares.
%%
May all your pains be small enough so there's room for them all.
%%
May all your programs work the first time.
%%
May bad luck follow you all your days and never catch up.
%%
May be too intense for some viewers.
%%
May famous specialists come to you from all over the world, to learn
about sickness.
%%
May god have mercy on your soul.  He didn't have it on your face.
%%
May gold, jewels, and silver never mean a thing to you.
%%
May misfortune never befall you, God forbid, except when you sneeze.
%%
May not taste be compared to that exquisite sense of the bee, which
instantly discovers and extracts the quintessence of every flower, and
disregards all the rest of it?
               -- Greville
%%
May the Farce be with you.
%%
May the Force be with you.
%%
May the God of Thunder strike you in the kneecap!
%%
May the Great Camel of Paradise bestow upon you and yours a dropping.
%%
May the Porsche be with you.
%%
May the angel of death skip your house altogether -- and send Satan
instead.
%%
May the angels that guard your bed take bribes from the devil.
%%
May the bird of paradise shit on your head.
%%
May the bluebird of happiness shit on your shoulder.
%%
May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
%%
May the egg you ate tonight rouse you bright and early tomorrow.
%%
May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
%%
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
%%
May the secondhand-clothes dealer marvel at the good condition of your
wardrobe.
%%
May the seed of your loins be fertile in the belly of your woman
               -- Dr. H. Ippy
%%
May the sun and the spring breeze warm and caress you like an apple as
you hang from a tree.
%%
May the wolves never eat you because you're so tough and stringy.
%%
May they find thousands of new cures for you each year.
%%
May they name something new after you: a disease.
%%
May we dance with your dates?
%%
May you afford only the finest gruel.
%%
May you always be loved.
%%
May you always have more than your enemies: a seven-year itch lasting
fourteen years, a twenty-four-hour catarrh lasting six weeks, a bigger
hernia, a fatter goiter.
%%
May you always have someone to share your bed and board: mice, lice,
rats, gnats, bedbugs, and fleas.
%%
May you and your partner be as close as brothers -- Cain and Abel.
%%
May you and your wife share with each other like a horse and a sparrow.
%%
May you back into a pitchfork and grab a hot stove for support.
%%
May you be as healthy as the salmon.
%%
May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the
plow when your horse drops dead.
%%
May you be cursed with a chronic anxiety about the weather.
               -- John Burroughs (1837-1921) from "The Book of Insults"
%%
May you be forever spared the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of
Traal.
%%
May you be fruitful and multiply so that your generations are as
plentiful as the stars in the sky, and may you have to house, feed, and
clothe them all.
%%
May you be in heaven a half hour before the devil
knows you're dead.
               -- irish blessing
%%
May you be invited to a banquet by the governor-general and belch in his
face.
%%
May you be known for you hospitality to God's creatures: lice, rats,
bedbugs, fleas, worms, maggots.
%%
May you be rich enough to afford only the best: a diamond truss, jeweled
crutches, crystal eyes, and gold teeth.
%%
May you be so endowed no one envies you.
%%
May you be spared the indignities and infirmities of old age.
%%
May you be strong enough to endure prison without getting sick, God
forbid.
%%
May you be such a fast healer, new boils keep growing over you scabs.
%%
May you be twins, so that all your pains, troubles, and worries are
double.
%%
May you become the greatest expert on drought, locust, pip, and anthrax.
%%
May you croak one day before your worst enemy.
%%
May you daughters' beauty be admired by everyone in the circus.
%%
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
%%
May you enjoy your wedding feast, then choke on the last bite.
%%
May you fool your enemies and beat them to Paradise.
%%
May you get the winning lottery ticket and a hole in your pocket.
%%
May you get to see all Russia at the Tsar's expense.
%%
May you grow so healthy, husky, and fat the worms take eighteen years to
pick you clean.
%%
May you grow so rich you never have to eat, drink, piss, crap, wash, or
walk by youself, God forbid.
%%
May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry
about a living, God forbid.
%%
May you have a dozen daughters, each uglier than sin, and not one penny
in dowry.
%%
May you have an interesting life.
               -- chinese curse
%%
May you have devoted children to chase the flies off your nose.
%%
May you have eyes like a hawk and a spouse with warts.
%%
May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
%%
May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
%%
May you have nightmares each night and may you awaken each time to find
yourself in another nightmare.
%%
May you have the nicest neighbors in all Siberia.
%%
May you inherit a barrel of wine and a bladder without a hole.
%%
May you know enough about courts, judges, bailiffs, and bail bondsmen to
be a lawyer.
%%
May you learn the secret of life in every dream, then forget it each
time you awaken.
%%
May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your
daughters.
%%
May you live as long as you want to, and want to as long as you live.
%%
May you live forever with a beautiful wife, a rose garden, and music,
and have the eyes, nose, and ears of a stone.
%%
May you live in interesting times.
%%
May you live in uninteresting times.
               -- Chinese proverb
%%
May you live long and prosper.
%%
May you lose all your teeth -- but one should remain for a toothache.
%%
May you lose everything, so that no enemy can cast an evil eye upon you.
%%
May you make a poor man richer: your doctor.
%%
May you make a widow and orphans happy -- your own.
%%
May you marry the best cook in the world and get ulcers.
%%
May you never develop rheumatism, so you can scratch away till you're
ninety.
%%
May you never develop stomach trouble from too rich a diet.
%%
May you never feel pain, itch, burn, heat, cold, sting, prick.
%%
May you never have healthy mice in the house.
%%
May you never have to visit such a filthy place as the outhouse.
%%
May you never hear a word of gossip, slander, profanity, or blasphemy.
%%
May you never see an old-age home, God forbid.
%%
May you outlive everyone but your mother-in-law.
%%
May you travel the world over just one step ahead of the police.
%%
May you walk a mile behind a camel.
%%
May your breath always be sweet.
%%
May your camel be as swift as the wind.
%%
May your children be so famous every policeman knows them.
%%
May your children grow tall, strong, straight, and hardy like the weeds
in the Garden of Eden.
%%
May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife
away, your nose always.
%%
May your daughters be like the flowers in the field -- wither away and
fade.
%%
May your daughters grow up such gems, their presence in your house
illuminates your old age.
%%
May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.
%%
May your daughters' hair grow thick, black, and abundant -- all over
their faces.
%%
May your enemies get cramps in their legs when they dance on your grave.
%%
May your fortune grow so, you can afford only the finest specialist.
%%
May your friends always appreciate you.
%%
May your life be filled with experiences.
%%
May your life be sublime.
%%
May your mother-in-law treat you like her own child and move in with
you.
%%
May your mouth never close and your arse never open.
%%
May your name be always associated with charity -- as you rot away in
the poorhouse.
%%
May your name be so famous that every bailiff, bill collector,
constable, and police inspector knows it.
%%
May your possessions never tempt another to steal.
%%
May your son grow up to be a famous doctor, and may you be his only
case.
%%
May your sons turn out so smart they're promoted to corporal.
%%
May your soul be forever tormented by fire and your bones be dug up by dogs
and dragged through the streets of Minneapolis.
               -- Garrison Keillor
%%
May your spouse always know when you need a hug.
%%
May's Law:
       The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
       of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
%%
Maybe I was holding all the aces, but what was the game?
%%
Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall
inherit the earth -- but they inherit very small plots,
about six feet by three.
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Maybe ain't ain't so correct,
but I notice that lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
               -- Will Rogers
%%
Maybe fear was in a puppeteer's genes.  But in a human being fear had
to be learned.
               -- "Ringworld"
%%
Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
%%
Maybe love hasn't changed much through history, but can you imagine
Heloise and Abelard sitting around rubbing suntan oil on each other?
               -- Bill Vaughan
%%
Maybe someday your name will be in lights,
saying "Johnny B. Goode tonight"
%%
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
               -- Aldous Huxley
%%
Maybe what Ron needs is a good proctologist!
%%
Maybe.
%%
Mayor Daley does it 5 times every election day.
%%
Mayor John Overflow
%%
Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
nativity scene removed:
        "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
         and a virgin in the whole organization."
%%
Mazel tov!
%%
McCoy's a seducer galore,
And of virgins he has quite a score.
       He tells them, "My dear,
       You're the Final Frontier,
Where man never has gone before."
%%
McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
%%
McDonald's new McSUSHI: "America's Eating It Raw!"
               -- SNL
%%
McDonalds, which has just gotten a liquor license around here, has
developed a new drink -- Everclear, Tab and an olive.
They call it "The Crystab McOlive."
%%
McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
       When traveling with a herd of elephants,
       don't be the first to lie down and rest.
%%
McJob:
       A low-pay, low-prestige, low-dignity, low-benefit, no-future
job in the service sector. Frequently considered a satisfying career
choice by people who have never held one.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Me know gammar.  Me cood use it gud.
%%
Me, I'm just a lawn mower.  You can tell by the way I walk.
%%
Me-ism:
       A search by an individual, in the absence of training in the
traditional religious tenets, to formulate a personally tailored
religion by himself. Most frequently a mishmash of reincarnation,
personal dialogue with a nebulously defined god figure, naturalism,
and karmic eye-for-eye attitudes.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Mealtime is when the kids sit down to continue eating.
%%
Meanwhile, Andre Marrou is campaigning in downtown Manhattan on a
platform that if we just abolish western civilization, all the muggers will
settle down and form corporations to compete with GM and Chrysler.
Three winos and a pimp have gone away to change their voter registration.
               -- From a post to alt.peeves
%%
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was beating off the Indians,
and, as the fourth Calvary came over the hill, Tonto, cleverly
camouflaged as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
%%
Meanwhile, back on the farm, granny lies helpless in a ditch.
%%
Meanwhile, the guilty soul cannot keep its own secret.  It is false to
itself; or, rather, it feels an irresistible impulse of conscience to be
true to itself ... It must be confessed--it will be confessed--there is
no refuge from confession but suicide, and suicide is confession.
               -- Daniel Webster
%%
Measure not men by Sundays, without regarding what they do all the week
after.
               -- Fuller
%%
Measure of Disorder
%%
Measure twice, cut once.
%%
Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for
which you would not take money.
%%
Meat Loaf again???
%%
Mechanical engineers do it automatically.
%%
Medical researchers make mice do it first.
%%
Medical statistics are like a bikini -- what they reveal is interesting,
but what they conceal is vital.
%%
Medicare and Medicaid are the greatest measures yet devised to make the
world safe for clerks.
%%
Mediocre minds usually dismiss anything which reaches
beyond their own understanding.
               -- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 1665
%%
Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
               -- Frederick Crane
%%
Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve its dignity.
               -- Charles G. Dawes
%%
Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
Afflicted with psychotic warps.
       His idea of fun
       Is to bugger a nun,
And then vomit all over the corpse.
%%
Meet George Jetson; his boy Elroy; daughter Judy; Jane, his wife.
%%
Meet me in St. Louis.
%%
Megabyte: A nine course dinner.
%%
Megaton Man:    "LOOK at them!  Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
               ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"

(from below):   "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"

Megaton Man:    "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
               -- Megaton Man
%%
Mel's Law: If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
%%
Melancholy is the nurse of frenzy.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Members of the jury, does this gentle, loving, grandmotherly, frail
old lady remind you of a coldblooded, psychotic serial killer? Would
you, in good conscience, convict her of this heinous crime which
decent folks will not describe, and to condemn her to the electric
chair? ... Er, You would?

Eh, your honor sir, my client is guilty.
%%
Memories of you remind me of you.
               -- Karl Lehenbauer, [email protected]
%%
Memory bank error bit map =
%%
Memory fault -- Where am I?
%%
Memory fault -- brain fried
%%
Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
%%
Memory is a thing we forget with.
%%
Memory should be the starting point of the present.
%%
Memory: what wonders it performs in preserving and storing up things gone by
or rather, things that are!
               -- Plutarch
%%
Men are April when they woo, December when they wed, and maids are May
when they are maids, but the sky changes when they are wives.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
               -- Marilyn Monroe
%%
Men are apt to deceive themselves in big things, but they rarely do so
in particulars.
               -- Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
%%
Men are blind in their own cause.
               -- Heywood Hale Broun (1888-1939)
%%
Men are born with two eyes, but with one tongue, in order that they
should see twice as much as they say.
               -- Colton
%%
Men are but children of a larger growth.
               -- Dryden
%%
Men are like wine - some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
               -- Pope John XXIII, 1978
%%
Men are machines, with all their boasted freedom,
Their movements turn on some favorite passion;
Let art but find the foible out,
We touch the spring and wind them at our pleasure.
               -- Brooke
%%
Men are more sentimental then women. It blurs their thinking.
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Men are never so likely to settle a question rightly as when they
discuss it freely.
               -- Macaulay
%%
Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves.
               -- Gene Fowler
%%
Men are not hanged for stealing horses, but that horses may not be stolen.
               -- Lord Halifax Works
%%
Men are often capable of greater things than they perform.  They are
sent into the world with bills of credit, and seldom draw to their full
extent.
               -- Horace Walpole
%%
Men are seldom more innocently employed than when they are honestly
making money.
               -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
%%
Men are so constituted that everybody undertakes what he sees another
successful in, whether he has aptitude for it or not.
               -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
%%
Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths.
%%
Men are the sport of circumstances, when the circumstances seem the
sport of men.
               -- Byron
%%
Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
They're attracted by what I don't mind...
               -- Gypsy Rose Lee
%%
Men become old, but they never become good.
               -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
Men bound in fellowship first weep and lament,
But afterward the laugh.
After great struggles they succeed in meeting.
%%
Men can suck the heady juice of exalted self-importance from the bitter
weed of failure--failures are usually the most conceited of men.
               -- D. H. Lawrence (1885-1930)
%%
Men come in 3 sizes: small, medium and Oh my God!..
%%
Men do not live by the mind, you say?  I have withdrawn those who
do.  The mind is impotent, you say?  I have withdrawn those whose
minds aren't.  There are values higher than the mind, you say?  I
have withdrawn those for whom there aren't.
               -- John Galt
%%
Men do not mind a bust in the mouth if provided by beautiful voluptuous
lady!
%%
Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth -
more than ruin, more even than death.
               -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967), "Selected Papers"
%%
Men fight for freedom; then they begin to accumulate laws to take it
away from them.
%%
Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
               -- Gaius Julius Caesar (100-44 B.C.)
%%
Men give away nothing so liberally as their advice.
               -- Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld
%%
Men have a much better time of it than women;
for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
               -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
Men have always sought the elusive unicorn, for the single
twisted horn which projected from its forehead was thought
to be a powerful talisman. It was said that the unicorn had
simply to dip the tip of its horn in a muddy pool for the
water to become pure. Men also believed that to drink from
this horn was a protection against all sickness, and that if
the horn was ground to a powder it would act as an antidote
to all poisons. Less than 200 years ago in France, the horn
of a unicorn was used in a ceremony to test the royal food
for poison.
Although only the size of a small horse, the unicorn is a
very fierce beast, capable of killing an elephant with a
single thrust from its horn.  Its fleetness of foot also
makes this solitary creature difficult to capture. However,
it can be tamed and captured by a maiden. Made gentle by the
sight of a virgin, the unicorn can be lured to lay its head
in her lap, and in this docile mood, the maiden may secure
it with a golden rope.
               -- From: Mythical Beasts by Deirdre Headon
                  (The Leprechaun Library).
%%
Men have as exaggerated an idea of their rights as women have of their wrongs.
               -- E. W. Howe
%%
Men have become tools of their tools.
               -- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
%%
Men have died from time to time, and worms have eaten them, but not for
love.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Men have fiendishly conceived a heaven only to find it insipid, and a
hell only to find it ridiculous.
               -- George Santayana (1863-1952)
%%
Men have many faults,
       Women only two:
Everything they say,
       And everything they do!
%%
Men have never loved one another much, for reasons we can readily understand:
Man is not a lovable animal.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Men have not found the words for it nor the deed nor the thought, but
they have found the music.  Let me see that in one single act of man on
earth.  Let me see it made real.  Let me see the answer to the promise of
that music.  Not servants nor those served; not altars and immolations;
but the final, the fulfilled, innocent of pain.  Don't help me or serve
me, but let me see it once, because I need it.  Don't work for my
happiness, my brothers -- show me yours -- show me that it is possible --
show me your achievement -- and the knowledge will give me courage for
mine.
%%
Men learn while they teach.
               -- Seneca
%%
Men like pastries, women like custards.
%%
Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
%%
Men love their ideas more than their lives. And the more preposterous the
idea, the more eager they are to die for it. And to kill for it.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
%%
Men must either be caressed or annihilated and the injury must be such
that the victim cannot pay you back for it.  Whoever acts otherwise is
obliged to stand forever with a knife in his hand.
               -- Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
%%
Men must either be caressed or annihilated.  They will revenge
themselves for small injuries, but they can't do so for great ones.  The
harm the leader does must be such that he need not fear revenge.
               -- Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
%%
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
               -- Sir Winston S. Churchill
%%
Men of genius are often dull and inert in society, as a blazing meteor
when it descends to earth, is only a stone.
               -- Longfellow
%%
Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
               -- Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519)
%%
Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
%%
Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something
sacred, or at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very
convenient to governments.
%%
Men often deceive themselves in believing that humility can overcome
insolence.
               -- Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
%%
Men often make up in wrath what they want in reason.
               -- William Rounseville Alger
%%
Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise
our pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows,
pains, griefs and tears.  ... It is the same thing which makes us mad
or delirious, inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by
day, brings us sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties,
absent-mindedness and acts that are contrary to habit...
               -- Hippocrates (460?-377? B.C.), The Sacred Disease
%%
Men play the game; women know the score.
%%
Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves.
Most gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child.
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Men rattle their chains to show that they are free.
%%
Men resemble the gods in nothing so much as in doing good to their
fellow creatures.
               -- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
%%
Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
               -- DeSegur
%%
Men seldom make passes
At girls who wear glasses.
               -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967), "News Item"
%%
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
%%
Men seldom, or rather never for a length of time and deliberately,
rebels against anything that does not deserve rebelling against.
               -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
%%
Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they
think laughable.
               -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
%%
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
%%
Men take only their needs into consideration--never their abilities.
               -- Napoleon Bonaparte
%%
Men tend to have the beliefs that suit their passions.

Cruel men believe in a cruel God and use their belief
to excuse their cruelty.  Only kindly men believe in a
kindly God, and they would be kindly in any case.
               -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967)
%%
Men trifle with their business and their politics, but they never trifle
with their games.
               -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
               -- Voltaire (1694-1778)
%%
Men were born to lie, and women to believe them.
%%
Men who allow their love of power to give them a distorted view of the
world are to be found in every asylum: one man will think he is the
governer of the Bank of England, another will think he is the king, and
yet another will think he is God.  Highly similar delusions, if
expressed by educated men in obscure language, lead to professorships of
philosophy, and if expressed by emotional men in eloquent language, lead
to dictatorships.
               -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967)
%%
Men who cherish for women the highest respect are seldom popular with them.
%%
Men will never establish any equality with which they can be contented.
Whatever efforts a people may make, they will never succeed in reducing
all the conditions of society to a perfect level.
               -- Alexis de Tocqueville (1805-1859)
%%
Men will sooner surrender their rights than their customs.
               -- Moritz Guedemann
%%
Men will wrangle for religion; write for it; fight for it; die for it;
anything but--live for it.
               -- Colton
%%
Men willingly believe what they wish.
               -- Gaius Julius Caesar (100-44 B.C.)
%%
Men with gray eyes are generally keen, energetic, and at first cold; but
you may depend upon their sympathy with real sorrow.  Search the ranks
of our benevolent men and you will agree with me.
               -- Dr. Leask
%%
Men's Rights?  NO    Women's Rights?  NO    Equal Rights?  YES
               -- Curtis Jackson
%%
Men, iron, money and bread are the strength of the war, but of these
four, the first two are the most necessary; because men and iron
find money and bread, but bread and money find not men and iron.
               -- Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527)
%%
Men, take care not to make women weep, for God counts their tears.
               -- Thomas S. Monson
%%
Men: Can't live with them, can't shoot 'em.
%%
Men: You can't live with them, and you can't leave them by the
curb when you're done with them.
%%
Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
%%
Mental Ground Zero:
       The location where one visualizes oneself during the dropping
of the atomic bomb; frequently, a shopping mall.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Mental degeneracy may be caused by lead poisoning. Or by a poor dip in the
gene pool.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
               -- Piers Anthony
%%
Mental things which have not gone in through the
senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
               -- Leonardo
%%
Mention this ad at the door to receive a 20% discount.
%%
Menu - vittle statistics.
%%
Menu-driven - Easy to learn, tedious to use.
%%
Mercy!
%%
Mere longevity is a good thing for those who watch Life from the side
lines.  For those who play the game, an hour may be a year, a single
day's work an achievement for eternity.
               -- Gabriel Heatter
%%
Merely because the group is in formation does not mean that the group is
on the right course.
%%
Merely having an open mind is nothing.  The object of opening the mind, as
of opening the mouth, is to shut it again on something solid.
%%
Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
%%
Message from console...
Message from qdaemon:
request `PRIMARY.OUTPUT' has finished on device `lp1'
EOF
%%
Message from on HIGH: Prepare to meet thy doom!
%%
Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy it, before the FBI sees it.
%%
Message: I care.
               -- President George Bush, in New Hampshire
%%
Metalhead       General Features:  As much black as possible.  Leather
               and/ or metal typically added to help matters.  Hair
'Rocker'        usually long.  Face usually malicious, albeit placid.
'Carp'
'Leatherhead'   Behavior Summary:  For all their frightening appearance,
               metalheads are usually calm, cool, and collected.  They
               are often intelligent.  It is never a good idea,
               however, to get them mad.  They often have quick,
               nasty tempers, and are very, very vengeful.
%%
Metaphasia:
       An inability to perceive metaphor.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Metaphysics is a cobweb that the mind weaves around things.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Metaphysics is a dark ocean without shores or lighthouse, strewn with
many a philosophic wreck.
               -- Immanual Kant
%%
Metaphysics is almost always an attempt to prove the incredible by
an appeal to the unintelligible.
               -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
Metaphysics is the science of proving what we don't understand.
               -- Josh Billings (Henry Wheeler Shaw)
%%
Metaphysics may be, after all, only the art of being sure of something
that is not so, and logic only the art of going wrong with confidence.
               -- Joseph Wood Krutch
%%
Mete out justice with mercy.
%%
Meteorologists have warm fronts.
%%
Meter maid:  Windshield viper.
%%
Mexican Snowshoe:  one shot of tequila mixed with one shot of
                  peppermint schnapps.
%%
Mexico: where life is cheap, death is rich, and the buzzards are never
unhappy.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Miami did not produce much of an impression...
               -- H. P. Lovecraft, 7/19/1931
%%
Mice, it's mice!!
%%
Michael Landon has just signed to do a new show for CBS.

       "Little Box on the Prairie"
%%
Michael O'Donoghue on Louise Lasser's SNL hosting:
       "She was a nice woman going through a few
       problems, but I wanted to force her to eat
       her goddam pigtails at gunpoint."
               -- "Saturday Night", Hill & Weingrad
%%
Michigan law provides that if any man kiss his wife on a Sunday,
the party at fault shall be punished at the discretion of the court.
%%
Micro-changes in air density.
%%
Microbiology Lab:  Staph Only!
%%
Microfiche: Sardines.
%%
Microwave - signal from a friendly micro
               -- Data communications glossary
%%
Microwaves frizz your heir.
%%
Mid-twenties Breakdown:
       A period of mental collapse occurring in one's twenties, often
caused by inability to function outside of school or structured
environments coupled with a realization of one's essential aloneness
in the world. Often marks induction into the ritual of pharmaceutical
usage.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Middle age is when you wish you could have some of the naps you refused to
take as a kid.
%%
Middle age is youth without it's levity. And old age without decay.
               -- Daniel Defoe
%%
Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross
over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a
fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It's
impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however.

They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls
the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.

It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers
the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts,
drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.

``Aren't you going to have a drink ?'' the doctor says.

``AFTER the police get here'' replies the lawyer.
%%
Midge Itressling
%%
Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
%%
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out
of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
%%
Might does not make right but it sure makes what is.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Might may not be right, but it usually wins.
%%
Mighty in the forward-striding toes.
When one goes and is not equal to the task,
One makes a mistake.
%%
Mighty proud I am that I am able to have a spare bed for my friends.
               -- Samuel Pepys
%%
Migratory lifeform with a tropism for bookstores
%%
Migratory lifeform with a tropism for parties
%%
Mike's Law:
For a lumber company employing two men and a cut-off saw, the
marginal product of labor for any number of additional workers
equals zero until the acquisition of another cut-off saw.
Let's not even consider a chainsaw.
               -- Mike Dennison
[You could always schedule the saw, though - ed.]
%%
Mildly annoyed scientist
%%
Milkmen do it in the morning.
%%
Miller's Corollary:
       Objects are lost because people look where they aren't
       instead of where they are.
%%
Miller's Slogan:
       Lose a few, lose a few.
%%
Milliamp - Mrs. Amp's daughter
               -- Data communications glossary
%%
Millions for defense, but not one cent for tribute.
               -- C. C. Pinckney
%%
Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that
politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil.  "Tweedledum
and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote."  Having abstained, they
are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to
rummage around in their lives for the next four years.  Consider all
the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert
Humphrey.  They showed Humphrey.  Those people who taught Hubert
Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when
Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
black.
               -- Russell Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
%%
Milton Berle, at his 80th birthday party:
       "I feel like a 20-year old!
       Unfortunately, there aren't any here."
%%
Mind if I rape your daughter
%%
Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your half-breed interference.
%%
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
               -- Thomas Dewar
%%
Minds of the strongest and most active powers fall below mediocrity and
labor without effect, if confined to uncongenial pursuits.  And it is
thence to be inferred, that the results of human exertion may be
immensely increased by diversifying its objects.
               -- Alexander Hamilton
%%
Mine earwax runneth over.
%%
Miners do it with a bang.
%%
Mingles with the friendly bowl,
The feast of reason and the flow of soul.
               -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
%%
Minimize your therbligs until it becomes automatic; this doubles your
effective lifetime -- and thereby gives time to enjoy butterflies and
kittens and rainbows.
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Miniscribe's troubles are daunting.  The company has floundered in its attempt
to settle 13 shareholder lawsuits, filed after a panel found that previous
managers circumvented financial controls and resorted to shipping bricks and
unfinished drives to shore up sagging revenue figures.
               -- "Miniscribe Prognosis Is Hopeful,"
                  E. E. Times, Jan 15, 1990, pg 67
%%
Ministers do it only on Sunday.
%%
Ministers do it vicariously.
%%
Minnie and Max had been married for 18 years. As Minnie grew
older and less attractive, Max became disinterested and his
libido started to wane dramatically. In desperation, Minnie
hauled him before a marriage counselor. The marriage counselor
listened patiently to Minnie's complaints and to Max's
protestations. Max said he was being nagged unmercifully
Minnie said that Max was causing her anguish.
Finally the marriage counselor issued a verdict."Max," he said,
"from now on, no matter how you feel, you must give Minnie her
conjugal rights at least semi-annually."
Minnie was delighted and they left the counselor's chambers.
On the way downstairs she nudged Max,"Tell me Max, how many
times a week is semi-annually?"
%%
Minty-fresh feet lie in your future.
%%
Minuteman: A fellow who can make it to the refrigerator and back with a
         sandwich while the commercial is on television.
               -- "Laughs Unlimited"
%%
Miracles are great, but they are so damned unpredictable
%%
Miracles are so called because they excite wonder.  In unphilosophical
minds, any rare or unexpected thing excites wonder, while in
philosophical minds the familiar excites wonder also.
               -- George Santayana (1863-1952)
%%
Miraculous secret for the early recovery of patients:  Inflation.
%%
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?  The press is
hopelessly biased or genuinely fair, depending upon whose views are
being misquoted, misrepresented, or misunderstood.
               -- Pierre S. du Pont
%%
Misery only LIKES company. It prefers loneliness.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
%%
Miss Buss and Miss Beale
Cupid's darts do not feel.
How different from us,
Miss Beale and Miss Buss.
               -- Of the Headmistress of the North London Collegiate School
                  and the Pricipal of the Ladies' College, Cheltenham
%%
Miss Millay Says Something Too

I want to drown in good salt water,
I want my body to bump the pier;
Neptune is calling his wayward daughter,
Crying, "Edna, come over here!"

I hate the town and I hate the people;
I hate the dryness of floor and pave;
The spar of a ship is my tall church-steeple;
My soul is as wet as the wettest wave.

I'm seven-eighths salt and I want to roister
Deep in the brine with the submarine;
I speak the speech of the whale and oyster;
I know the ways of the wild sardine.

I'm tired of standing still and staring
Across the sea with my heels in dust:
I want to live like the sober herring,
And die as pickled when die I must.
               -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
%%
Miss Piggy does it with Kermit.
%%
Miss Truman is a unique American phenomenon with a pleasant voice of
little size and fair quality ... Yet Miss Truman cannot sing very
well. She is flat a good deal of the time ..., she communicates almost
nothing of the music she presents.... There are few moments during her
recital when one can relax and feel confident that she will make her
goal, which is the end of the song.
               -- Paul Hume, music critic of the Washington Post.

"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages.  You
sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working.  I
have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below.  Westbrook Pegler, a
guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you.  You can take that as
more of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
               -- Harry S. Truman
%%
Miss Wilkerson thought it her duty
To maintain her conjugal beauty.
    She mixed up a paste
    Of industrial waste,
And applied it to her sweet patootie.

[The facts about beauty are known,
And well-learned by those who are grown:
    Beauty is thin,
    It lies on the skin,
But ugly goes down to the bone.]
%%
Missing the return. Misfortune.
Misfortune from within and without.
If armies are set marching in this way,
One will in the end suffer a great defeat,
Disastrous for the ruler of the country.
For ten years
It will not be possible to attack again.
%%
Missionaries are infernal nuisances who ought to be kept at home.
               -- H. P. Lovecraft, 9/12/1925
%%
Missionary Position:
       The missionary on top.
%%
Misster, do you vant to buy a duck?
%%
Mist is a white vapor, usually water, seen from time to time in caverns.
It can be found anywhere but is frequently a sign of a deep pit leading
down to water.
%%
Mister I aint a boy, no I'm a man and I believe in the promised land.
%%
Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
%%
Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
               -- Horace (65-8 B.C.)
%%
Mix's Law:
       There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
       There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
%%
Mixed Emotions: When you see your mother-in-law back over a cliff in your
new Mercedes Benz.
%%
Mmm-mmm good.  Mmm-mmm good. That's what Campbell soups are.
Mmm-mmm good.
%%
Mmmph!  Urghurmph!  Grugmph!
What's he trying to say?
I dunno -there's a lawyer crammed in his mouth.
%%
Mobile non-smoking area
%%
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
%%
Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
               -- P. J. Denning
%%
Modem - How a southerner asks for seconds
               -- Data communications glossary
%%
Modem:  A peripheral used in the unsuccessful attempt to get two computers to
       communicate with each other.
%%
Modem: What landscapers do to dem lawns.
%%
Modems.....reach out and BYTE someone!
%%
Moderately parallel architecture is like pulling a wagon with five
oxen. Massively parallel architecture is giving the job to ten
thousand chickens.
               -- Robert J. Stevenson, Marketing V.P. at E & S
%%
Moderation in all things.
               -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%%
Moderation is a fatal thing.  Nothing succeeds like excess.
               -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
Modern Coke Machines are microprocessor-controlled, and many even
have modems with which they call the distributor when their coin
boxes fill or they run out of supplies or they're broken into. These
modems are vulnerable to attack by a class of computer hackers known
in the industry as ``Soda Crackers.''
%%
Modern Way:  If It's Good, Scrap It.
               -- Sydney J. Harris
%%
Modern art is what you bought to cover a hole in the wall
and then decided that the hole looked better.
%%
Modern biology has been built upon two great ideas.  The first, a product of
the nineteenth century, is that all life descended from elementary, single-
celled organisms by means of natural selection.  The second, perfected in
the twentieth century, is that organisms are entirely obedient to the laws
of physics and chemistry.  No extraneous "vital force" runs the living cell.
               -- Edward O. Wilson, "Biophilia"
%%
Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
other.  There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into
the brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not
otherwise.  Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only....
It is quite conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be
rejected.  But it is important also to see that we have not reached
that day yet: the working assumption is a necessary one and there is no
real evidence opposed to it.  Our failure to solve a problem so far
does not make it insoluble.  One cannot logically be a determinist in
physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
               -- D. O. Hebb, Organization of Behavior:
                  A Neuropsychological Theory, 1949
%%
Modesty creates success.
The superior man carries things through.
%%
Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
               -- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
Modesty is to merit as shades to figures in a picture; giving it
strength and beauty.
               -- Jean de La Bruyere
%%
Modesty that comes to expression.
It is favorable to set armies marching
To chastise one's own city and one's country.
%%
Modesty that comes to expression.
Perseverance brings good fortune.
%%
Modesty:  the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to
be aware of it.
%%
Modula II     -- A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch.
%%
Moe:        Wanna play poker tonight?
Joe:        I can't. It's the kids' night out.
Moe:        So?
Joe:        I gotta stay home with the nurse.
%%
Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
%%
Mohammad Ali Kills Twenty Four Students; 'I thought I was Dirty Harry'
%%
Mom! Dad! Don't touch it, its evil!
%%
Mom's Law:
       When they finally do have to take you to the hospital,
       your underwear won't be clean or new.
%%
Mom:  "Marshall, Simon, time to go to the picnic."
Mars: "I'm not going."
Dad:  "It's our first Tornado Day!"
Mars: "How can you even *think* of going?  Every year a tornado named
      'Old Bob' strikes Eerie on the same day - and they've turned it
      into some sort of mondo, voodoo, pagan ritual."
               -- Marilyn, Marshall, and Edgar, "Tornado Days", Eerie Indiana
%%
Mom:  "Oh man... Shouldn't we?..."
Syn:  "Don't even think of that Mom.  That guy is the *Mad Whacker*!"
Sim:  "Syndi's right.  They call him the whacker because he uses his axe
      to kill his victims."
Dad:  "Now, come on!  I've heard rumors he was Eerie's last living
      liberal, but"
Sim:  "What's a liberal?"
Dad:  "I'll explain it to you when you're older."
Mom:  "Well, I don't care whether he's a liberal or an axe murderer,
      I want you boys to stay clear of him.  Understood?"
Mars: "Yes, Mom."
               -- "No Brain, No Pain", Eerie Indiana
%%
Mommy!  Mommy!  I just cut my hand off!
Don't make me laugh, my lips are chapped.
%%
Mommy, mommy!  Daddy took me swimming today!  Did you have fun?
Sure did, it was easy, once I learned how to get out of the bag!
%%
Mommy, mommy!  I hate tomato soup!
Shut up, you only get it once a month!
%%
Mommy, mommy!  What's kinky?  Shut up and pull grandma off the doorknob!
%%
Mommy, mommy!  Where's my Cabbage Patch doll?
Shut up and eat your coleslaw!
%%
Mommy, mommy, Can we have Granny for dinner?
Shut up we still have half of Aunt Helen in the freezer
%%
Mommy, mommy, I don't want to have hamburger for dinner
Shut up and stick your arm back in the meat grinder
%%
Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts
Shut up and eat what's in front of you
%%
Mommy, mommy, Why are my teeth so long?
Shut up and drink your blood before it clots
%%
Mommy, mommy, can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and and flush it like everyone else!
%%
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
things we have.
               -- Will Rogers
%%
Money by right means if you can; if not, by any means.
               -- Horace (65-8 B.C.)
%%
Money can't buy happiness, but it lets you be miserable in comfort.
%%
Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a Cadillac so you
can drive around and look for it.
%%
Money can't buy you happiness, but it can make misery a whole lot
easier to bear.
%%
Money cannot buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable
while you're being miserable.
%%
Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
%%
Money changes everything.
%%
Money confers the power to command the labor of others. Love of money is love
of power. And love of power is the root of evil.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Money doesn't care who owns it.
%%
Money doesn't make you happy, but it quiets the nerves.
%%
Money is a good servant, but a dangerous master.
               -- Bonhours
%%
Money is a lot like manure. When large piles benefit nothing, it stinks.
%%
Money is a lousy way to keep score.
%%
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac.  But flowers work almost as well.
%%
Money is its own reward.
%%
Money is like a sixth sense -- and you can't make use of the other five
without it.
               -- W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)
%%
Money is like manure.  If you spread it around, it does a lot of good.
But if you pile it up in one place, it stinks like hell.
               -- Clint Murchison, Jr.
%%
Money is like muck, not good unless it be spread.
               -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Money is not the measure of a man, but it will do quite nicely if you
don't have any other yardstick handy.
               -- Charles Merrill Smith
%%
Money is the sincerest of all flattery. Women love to be flattered. So
do men.
%%
Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
               -- The Notebooks of Lazarus Long
%%
Money is whatever people believe is money and will voluntarily accept as
money.
%%
Money is wrong -- it's the means whereby man enslaves his brother.
               -- Finny
%%
Money isn't everything - but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
               -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
%%
Money isn't everything, but it sure does keep the children in touch.
%%
Money may buy friendship but money can not buy love.
%%
Money may buy love but money cannot buy friendship.
%%
Money may not buy happiness,
but it sure puts you in a great bargaining position.
%%
Money talks. Usually it says, "Bend over."
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Money to invest? Take it to the local branch of the Magic Memory Vault!
%%
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in
years.
%%
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salary of a large
research staff to study the problem.
%%
Money, therefore, if it is t be anything, must be at least an efficient
and trustworthy instrument by which working people accumulate savings.
               -- Lewis E. Lehrnman
%%
Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
               -- Andries van Dam
%%
Monitor - An ironclad warship, see Merrimack.
%%
Monitor: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this
word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see
your hall pass at school.
%%
Monkey curiosity was not powerful in most sentient species.
               -- "Ringworld"
%%
Monkey wrench -- A monkey wrench is a wrench with a fixed jaw and an
adjustable jaw set at right angles to the handle. Tradition says it was
first devised by a London blacksmith named Charles Moncke, Moncke
changing to monkey by folk derivation. A difficulty with this theory, as
Mencken has pointed out, is that the British call a monkey wrench a
spanner. In 1932-33, the Boston Transcript traced the invention to 1856,
crediting it to a Yankee named Monk, employed by the firm of Bemis and
Call in Springfield, Massachusetts.
               -- Willard R. Espy, "O Thou Improper, Thou Uncommon Noun"
%%
Monologue:

I could leave anytime now-
    for what?  Time is against
The tell-tale facts.
    -if they don't rhyme it's no good?
I still might leave but
    -you
Are unique.  You're all I have left
To believe in.
So walk with me.
-just the facts please.
ah yes.

The concrete rushes beneath us.
Breathe my dear-
    we are running at a standstill
    and no way out.
Do you still love me?

I waited.
    - only
You, would look my way
With your heavy shadows-
    (pierre cardin i think)
they slipped off.
Let me
catch my
           breath flutters
     and falls away:
    is it too late?
%%
Monopoly players do it for hours.
%%
Monopoly? No, we just don't want competition.
%%
Monsters come from nowhere to hit you everywhere.
%%
Monsters sleep because you are boring, not because they ever get tired.
%%
Montana law provides that if you catch a fur-bearing animal
and tattoo your name on it, the animal thereafter belongs to you.
%%
Moonlighter: A man who holds day and night jobs so he can drive from one
           to the other in a better car.
               -- "Laughs Unlimited"
%%
Moophobia:
       Fear of being attacked by a rabid cow.
%%
Moore's Constant:
       Everybody sets out to do something,
       and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
%%
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
               -- Herbert George Wells (1866-1946)
%%
Moral principles can never be compromised; they can only be abandoned.
%%
Morality and practicality should be congruent. If they're not, then there's
something wrong with either one or the other.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Morals today are corrupted by our worship of riches.
               -- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
%%
Morbid: A higher offer.
%%
More Technobabble:

... Consequently, in parallel to Fab, Assembly has its
own ZID, ZOD, and ZUD programs. Outgoing ZOD for Fab,
and VQUIP for Materials, becomes ZID for Assembly, and
ZOD for Assembly becomes ZID for Test. Some Zod results...
               -- Intel Quality Handbook
%%
More actual newspaper headlines:

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
       Daily Sun-Post (San Clemente, CA) 1/17/77

Sneak Attack by Soviet Bloc Not Foreseen
       The Atlanta Journal 4/4/79

War Dims Hopes for Peace
       Wisconsin State Journal 12/27/65

Blue Skies Unless its Cloudy
       San Francisco Chronicle 5/29/??

Bankrupt Association Termed in Poor Shape
       Lawrence (KA) Journal-World 7/12/77

Food is Basic to Student Diet
       Bridgeport (CN) Post 1/18/78
%%
More hit points than you can possibly imagine
%%
More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
               -- R. S. Surtees
%%
More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
%%
More power R2!
%%
More powerful than a locomotive!
%%
More sad thoughts crowd into my mind
When evening comes; for then,
Appears your phantom shape-
Speaking as I have known you speak.
%%
Moreover, freedom of the press includes "the right of the lonely
pamphleteer who uses carbon paper or a mimeograph as much as of the
large metropolitan publisher who utilizes the latest photocomposition
methods."  Branzburg v. Hayes, 408 U.S. 665, 704 (1972).
               -- Supreme Court decision quoted by Mike Godwin
                  in comp.org.eff.talk
%%
Moreover, you have no money.
%%
Mork calling Orson, Mork calling Orson.
%%
Mormonism: Nothing so hilarious could possibly be true. Or all bad.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago.  He was only a few blocks
from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane tickets on his
bureau top.  He returned and quietly entered the house.  His wife, in her
skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing the breakfast dishes.
       She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out,
and squeezed her left tit.
       "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
for breakfast tomorrow."
%%
Morticians do it gravely.
%%
Morton's Law: If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
%%
Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
               -- Obi-wan Kenobi
%%
Moscow reportedly has been "closed" for the Olympics.  Access to the
city is restricted, tens of thousands of police patrol the streets, and
authorities are struggling to prevent what they term "ideological
pollution."  Residents are unable to detect any difference in Moscow
life.
               -- National Review
%%
Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people:
  "The good news is we got them down to ten."
  "The bad news is that adultery is still one of them."
%%
Most "scientists" are bottle washers and button pushers.
%%
Most Gracious Queen, we thee implore
To go away and sin no more,
But if that effort be too great,
To go away at any rate.
               -- Epigram on Queen Caroline
%%
Most academic economists know nothing of economy. In fact, they know little of
anything.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Most accidents in well-designed systems involve two or more events of
low probability occurring in the worst possible combination.
               -- Robert Machol
%%
Most arguments would be spoiled if either party knew the facts.
%%
Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
%%
Most economists think of God as working great multiple regressions in
the sky..
               -- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
Most essential qualification for a politician: The ability to foretell
what will happen tomorrow, next month, and next year--and to explain
afterward why it did not happen.
               -- Sir Winston S. Churchill
%%
Most general statements are false, including this one.
               -- Edmund C. Berkeley
%%
Most hierarchies were established by men who now monopolize the
upper levels, thus depriving women of their rightful share of
opportunities for incompetence.
               -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%%
Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a boot
if the instructions were printed on the heel.
%%
Most limericks are rather simple
Popping up here and there like a pimple.
       All smut and dirt,
       Totally lacking in worth,
Hell! if this ain't a perfect example.
%%
Most memorable entries for the annual Oddest Title Award at the Frankfurt
Book Fair in the last 10 years (1979-1989).  Compiled by The Bookseller.
1.  The Interpretation of Geological Time from the Evidence of Fossilized
  Elephant Droppings in Eastern Europe.
2.  Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice.
3.  Oral Sadism and the Vegetable Personality.
4.  Big and Very Big Hole Drilling.
5.  The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling.
6.  The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution.
7.  America's Neighbourhood bats: Understanding and Learning to Live in
  Harmony with Them.
8.  The 120 year diet.
9.  Detecting Fake Nazi Regalia.
10. Potatoes of Bolivia: Their Breeding, Value and Evolutionary Relationships.
11. The Secret of Sphincters.
12. Innovation and the Rise of the Tunneling Industry.
13. Drying Flowers with a Microwave.
14. Foundry Work for the Amateur.
15. Versailles - The View from Sweden.
Reprinted in the March 1989 issue of "Q" Magazine (Britain's modern guide
to music and more)
%%
Most men have more courage than even they themselves think they have.
               -- Grenville
%%
Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past
it.  They fare as did that dwarf who kept guard over a captured princess
in his castle. One day he took a midday nap. When he woke up an hour
later, the princess was gone. Quickly he pulled on his seven-league
boots; with one stride he was far beyond her.
%%
Most monsters prefer minced meat. That's why they are hitting you!
%%
Most new books drop immediately into the oblivion they so richly deserve.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Most non-Catholics know that the Catholic schools are rendering a
greater service to our nation than the public schools in which
subversive textbooks have been used, in which Communist-minded teachers
have taught, and from whose classrooms Christ and even God Himself are
barred.
               -- from "Our Sunday Visitor",
                  an American-Catholic newspaper, circa 1949
%%
Most novices picture themselves as masters - and are content with the
picture. This is why there are so few masters.
               -- Jean Toomer
%%
Most of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going
on believing as we already do.
               -- James Harvey Robinson
%%
Most of the change we see in life is due to truths being in and out of favor.
               -- Robert Frost
%%
Most of the literary classics are worth reading, if you've nothing better to
do.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Most of the problems a President has to face have their roots in the past.
               -- Harry S. Truman, "Memoirs, Vol. II", 1955
%%
Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows
by Democrats.
%%
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't
have any fun at all.
               -- Woody Allen
%%
Most of the time, for most of the world, no matter how hard people
work at it, nothing of any significance happens.
%%
Most of us are umpires at heart; we like to call balls and strikes on
somebody else.
               -- Leo Aikman
%%
Most of us ask for advice when we know the answer but want a different one.
%%
Most of us can do more than we think we can, but usually do less than we
think we have.
%%
Most of us have been at work for several hours now.
%%
Most of us lead lives of chaotic improvisation from day to day, bawling for
peace while plunging grimly into fresh disorders.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Most of us spend the first 6 days of each week sowing wild oats,
then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
               -- Fred Allen
%%
Most of us will never do great things, but we can do small things in a
great way.
%%
Most of us would be glad to pay as we go, if we could only catch up on
where we've been.
%%
Most of what we call the classics of world literature suggest artifacts in a
wax museum. We have to hire and pay professors to get them read and talked
about.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Most of your attack is deflected,
but the troll has suffered some injury.
%%
Most of your faults are not your fault.
%%
Most organizations are like septic tanks,
the big chunks rise to the top.
%%
Most organizations can't hold one idea at a time ... Thus complementary
ideas are always regarded as competitive.  Further, like a quantized
pendulum, an organization can jump from one extreme to the other,
without ever going through the middle.
               -- Amrom Katz
%%
Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not
understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
               -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Most people are mirrors, reflecting the moods and emotions of the times;
few are windows, bringing light to bear on the dark corners where
troubles fester.  The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into
windows.
               -- Sydney J. Harris
%%
Most people are on the world, not in it -- having no conscious sympathy
or relationship to anything about them -- undiffused, separate, and
rigidly alone like marbles of polished stone, touching but separate.
               -- John Muit
%%
Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
%%
Most people can do without the
essentials, but not without the luxuries.
%%
Most people deserve each other.
               -- Shirley
%%
Most people don't need a great deal of love
nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
%%
Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
               -- E. W. Howe
%%
Most people exhibit what political scientists call "the conservatism
of the peasantry."  Don't lose what you've got.  Don't change.  Don't
take a chance, because you might end up starving to death.  Play it
safe.  Buy just as much as you need.  Don't waste time.

When we think about risk, human beings and corporations realize in
their heads that risks are necessary to grow, to survive.  But when it
comes down to keeping good people when the crunch comes, or investing
money in something untried, only the brave reach deep into their
pockets and play the game as it must be played.
               -- David Lammers, "Yakitori", Electronic Engineering
                  Times, January 18, 1988
%%
Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
%%
Most people find the concept of programming obvious, but the doing
impossible.
%%
Most people get a fair amount of fun out of their lives,
but on balance life is suffering and only the very young
or the very foolish imagine otherwise.
               -- George Orwell (1903-1950), "Shooting an Elephant", 1950
%%
Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
%%
Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
               -- Susan Sontag
%%
Most people live their lives as if they think God isn't paying any attention
to them.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Most people need some of their problems
to help take their mind off some of the others.
%%
Most people prefer certainty to truth.
%%
Most people say what they're thinking before they
think what they're saying.
%%
Most people seem to think that trampling individual rights is OK if it is
"for the good of society as a whole."  However, society is but a large number
of individuals, and how can harming the individual parts better the whole?
               -- Andrew Ford, [email protected]
%%
Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
%%
Most people would succeed in small things if they were not troubled with
great ambitions.
               -- Henty Wadsworth Longfellow
%%
Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
%%
Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be
otherwise.
               -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings", 1969
%%
Most problems have either many answers or no answer.  Only a few
problems have one answer.
               -- Edmund C. Berkeley
%%
Most rumors are just as misleading as this one.
%%
Most seminars have a happy ending.  Everyone's glad when they're over.
%%
Most things get steadily worse.
               -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%%
Most women desire beauty rather than brains because most men can see
better than they can think.
%%
Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
%%
Most writers are naturally sycophants. Born in the fetal position, they never
learn to stand erect.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Mostly harmless
%%
Most
  hackers had terrible handwriting to begin with, and years of
  keyboarding tend to have encouraged it to degrade further.  Perhaps
  for this reason, hackers deprecate pencil-and-paper technology and
  often resist using it in any but the most trivial contexts.  See
  also appendix B.
%%
Mother Earth is not flat!
%%
Mother Nature is a bitch.
%%
Mother died at age 91, has good health and is active mentally.
%%
Mother told me (yes, she told me) I'd meet girls like you.
She also told me "Stay away.  You never know what you'll catch."
%%
Mother told me about girls like you.
%%
Mother:  "Where are you going to keep that goat, Joe?" Joe:  "In the
house." Mother:  "What about the smell?" Joe:  "He won't mind."
%%
Motherhood is an essential, difficult, and full-time job. Women who do not
wish to be mothers should not have babies.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more
certain they are their own.
               -- Aristotle
%%
Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
               -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
%%
Motivation researchers are those harlot social scientists who, in
impressive analytic and/or sociological jargon, tell their clients what
their clients want to hear, namely that appeals to human irrationality
are likely to be far more profitable than appeals to rationality.
               -- S. I. Hayakawa (b. 1906)
%%
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
%%
Mountain Climbers do it on the rocks.
%%
Mountain climbers do it abysmally.
%%
Mountain under heaven: the image of Retreat.
Thus the superior man keeps the inferior man at a distance,
Not angrily but with reserve.
%%
Mountaineers do it showing excellent technique on the peak.
%%
Mountains standing close together:
The image of Keeping Still.
Thus the superior man
Does not permit his thoughts
To go beyond his situation.
%%
Mourn not the dead...
But rather mourn the apathetic throng --
The cowed and meek
Who see the world's great anguish and its wrong,
And dare not speak.
               -- Ralph Cahplin (1887-1961)
%%
Mouse:  A peripheral originally named "veriform appendix" because of its
       functional resemblance, renamed for its usefulness as a cat toy.
%%
Moustache rides, 50 cents.
%%
Move, move you slut.
               -- William Shakespeare, Hamlet
%%
Movies keep getting more explicit; these days a "family film" is likely
to show you how to start one.
               -- Sandy Teller
%%
Movies: A place where people talk behind your back.
               -- "Laughs Unlimited"
%%
Mozart, striving for perfection, wrote the same symphony forty-one times. In
his case, it worked. He wrote a perfect symphony.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Mr. Burns: "How does he do it?"
Smithers:  "He's a love machine, sir."
               -- "Homer's Night Out", from The Simpsons
%%
Mr. Burns: "What a pathetic attempt to curry my favor."
Smithers:  "Fabulous observation, sir.  Just fabulous."
               -- "There's No Disgrace Like Home", from The Simpsons
%%
Mr. DePree also expects a "tremendous social change" in all workplaces.
"When I first started working 40 years ago, a factory supervisor was
focused on the product.  Today it is drastically different, because of
the social milieu.  It isn't unusual for a worker to arrive on his shift
and have some family problem that he doesn't know how to resolve.  The
example I like to use is a guy who comes in and says 'this isn't going
to be a good day for me, my son is in jail on a drunk-driving charge and
I don't know how to raise bail.'  What that means is that if the
supervisor wants productivity, he has to know how to raise bail."
               -- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc.,
                  "Herman Miller's Secrets of Corporate Creativity",
                  The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%%
Mr. DePree believes participative capitalism is the wave of the future.
The U.S. work force, he believes, "more and more demands to be included
in the capitalist system and if we don't find ways to get the capitalist
system to be an inclusive system rather than the exclusive system it has
been, we're all in deep trouble.  If we don't find ways to begin to
understand that capitalism's highest potential lies in the common good,
not in the individual good, then we're risking the system itself."
               -- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc.,
                  "Herman Miller's Secrets of Corporate Creativity",
                  The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%%
Mr. Henry James writes fiction as if it were a painful duty.
               -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
Mr. Kamikaze! Mr. DNA.!
%%
Mr. President, I have good news and bad news.
What's the bad news?
The Shuttle exploded.
What could possibly be the good news?
Star Wars works.
%%
Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
Etiquette.  We aren't going to call again!  Now you want these free
lessons or what?
%%
Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses.  We got your
renewal before the extended deadline but not your check.  I'm sorry but
at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
%%
Mr. Rockford?  This is Betty Joe Withers.  I got four shirts of yours from
the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake.  I don't know why they gave me men's
shirts but they're going back.
%%
Mr. Rockford?  You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you.  Could
you call me at...  My name is... uh...  Never mind, forget it!
%%
Mr. String had big plans for Valentine's day. He was going to
take Mrs. String out for an elegant meal at a posh restaurant,
then see the city lights from Skyline Drive, then home for
(hopefully) some twineing.

Well, they waited in line for 20 minutes at the restaurant, but
when they got to the Maitre d', he said "Wait a minute, you look
like strings! We don't allow any strings in here. You'll have to
go somewhere else."

They were fit to be tied! Mr. String threatened, cajoled, and
attempted bribery, but the Maitre d' was not to be swayed.
"No strings allowed", he said.

So, they went outside, tied themselves together, and frazzled up their
ends, then got back in line. This time, when the Maitre d' said
"Hey there, are you strings?" Mr. String replied,

"Why no, we're a frayed knot!"
%%
Mrs.  Blumberg was reading a story on India in the Jewish Daily
Forward.  She turned to her husband.  "Max, what's an 'untouchable'?"
"A guy you can't borrow money from."
%%
Mrs. Harrison, can Dave come and play baseball with us?
But you know Dave's a quadriplegic
That's okay, we want to use him for first base
%%
Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
       When he's under the weather
       They can't get together,
So others get into her box.
%%
Much study is a weariness of the flesh.
               -- Ecclesiastes XII, 12
%%
Much that is dreadful and inhuman in history, much that one hardly likes
to believe, is mitigated by the reflection that the one who commands and
the one who carries out are different people.  The former does not
behold the sight and does not experience the strong impression on the
imagination.  The latter obeys a superior and therefore feels no
responsibility for his acts.
               -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
%%
Much that passes as idealism is disguised hatred or disguised love for
power.
               -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967)
%%
Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
       be shared."
But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
       with prawns,
Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..."
But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
His Mother cried: "What shall we do?  What's left won't even make a stew..."
And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it-- that's was haggis is.
%%
Mules are protected under the laws of Ohio, to the extent that
you cannot ride one more than ten miles, or set a fire under it
if it balks.
%%
Multics is security spelled sideways.
%%
Multiple choice test:
            WHAT IS FORTRAN?
               [a] between thre and fiv tran.
               [b] what two computers engage in before interface.
               [c] ridiculous.
%%
Multiple safety redundancies lead to multiple^1 failures.
%%
Multiplication is vexation,
Division is as bad;
The Rule of three doth puzzle me,
And Practice drives me mad.
               -- Elizabethan MS, 1570
%%
Multitasking = 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!
%%
Multitasking causes schizophrenia.
%%
Multitasking: Reading in the bathroom
%%
Mum's the word.
               -- Miguel de Cervantes
%%
Mummy dust to make me old;
To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
A blast of wind to fan my hate;
A thunderbolt to mix it well --
Now begin thy magic spell!
               -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"  Walter Elias Disney: 1937
%%
Mummy:    "What did you say this projector in a bottle is called?"
Marshall: "Television."
Mummy:    "Truly dreadful invention. I do hope it never catches on."
               -- "Scarest Home Videos", Eerie Indiana
%%
Mummy: "Heavens to burgitroid, what is that detestable little yard
       ape doing in my movie. He's ruining it."
Simon: "You should see what he does to my bedroom."
               -- "Scariest Home Videos", Eerie Indiana
%%
Munging a # #.
%%
Munroe's Dictum: He that is without sin among you has been bored for a
lllllooooonnnnnggggg time.
%%
Murder complaint? Mail to 'netnix!devil!gamble!freak!trap!lastwill!rip'.
%%
Murder may be done by legal means, by plausible and profitable war,
by calumny, as well as by dose or dagger.
               -- Lord Acton (1834-1902)
%%
Murmur at nothing: if our ills are reparable, it is ungrateful; if
remediless, it is in vain.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Murphy is out there... waiting...
%%
Murphy's First Law:
       If anything can go wrong, it will (and at the worst possible moment).
%%
Murphy's Fortieth Law:
       In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension
       can be totalled correctly after 4:40 p.m. on Friday.
%%
Murphy's Forty-First Law:
       The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbecue, campfire etc. to
       drift into a person's face varies directly with that person's
       sensitivity to smoke.
%%
Murphy's Forty-Fourth Law:
       Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
%%
Murphy's Fourteenth Law:
       Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional and
       employ faulty reasoning.
%%
Murphy's Fourth Law:
       If there is a possibility of several things
       going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the
       one to go wrong.
%%
Murphy's Last Law:
       If nothing went wrong today, you're probably dead.
%%
Murphy's Law and related sayings:
1) Leakproof seals... will.
2) Self starters... will not.
3) If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it.
4) All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
5) If you try to please everyone, no one will like it.
%%
Murphy's Law is always a good excuse.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Murphy's Law never fails except when you try to demonstrate it.
               -- Walter J. Crowell
%%
Murphy's Law never fail
               -- Walter J. Crowell
%%
Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics:
       Things get worse under pressure.
%%
Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem...
               -- Thomas S. Pynchon, Gravity's Rainbow
%%
Murphy's Law: Any thing that can go wrong, Will.
%%
Murphy's Law: The accessibility of a small part which has fallen behind
the workbench is directly proportional to its size and inversely
proportional to its importance.
%%
Murphy's Law: Whatever goes wrong, will get worse.
%%
Murphy's Law:
       If anything can go wrong, it will.

Brown's Paradox:
       If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.

Sullivan's Observation:
       If you rely on Murphy's law, everything will go as planned
       (but don't count on it.)
%%
Murphy's Law:
If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists,
the event will take place; preferably during a demonstration.
%%
Murphy's Laws:
       (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
       (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
       (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
%%
Murphy's Second Law:
      Nothing is as easy as it looks.
%%
Murphy's Seventeenth Law:
       The more urgent the need for decision, the less apparent is
       the identity of the decision-maker.
%%
Murphy's Seventh Law:
       It is a fundamental law of nature that nothing ever quite works out.
%%
Murphy's Sixteenth Law:
       The greater the importance of decisions to be made, the larger must be
       the committee assigned to make them.
%%
Murphy's Third Law: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything
   that can go wrong will go wrong.
%%
Murphy's Third Law:
      Everything takes longer than you think it will.
%%
Murphy's Thirteenth Law:
       You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people
       some of the time, and that is sufficient.
%%
Murphy's Thirtieth Law:
       Never step in anything soft.
%%
Murphy's Thirty-First Law:
       It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a
       hurry.
%%
Murphy's Thirty-Fourth Law:
       Measure twice because you can cut only once.
%%
Murphy's Thirty-Sixth Law:
       Bad weather reports are more often right than the good ones.
%%
Murphy's Thirty-Third Law:
       When anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
%%
Murphy's Twelfth Law:
       Every clarification breeds new questions.
%%
Murphy's Twentieth Law:
       The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the greater the number
       of dead or injured.
%%
Murphy's Twenty-First Law:
       No name, no matter how simple, can be correctly understood
       over the phone.
%%
Murphy's Twenty-Fourth Law:
       Them that has, gets.
%%
Murphy's Twenty-Third Law:
       Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.
%%
Murphy's saving grace:
       The worst is the enemy of the bad.
%%
Murray's Rule:
       Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
%%
Music begins where words leave off. Music expresses the inexpressible. If
there is a Kingdom of Heaven, it lies in music.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Music clouds the intellect but clarifies the heart.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Music endures and ages far better than books. Books, made of words, are
unavoidably attached to ideas, events, conflict, and history, but music has
the power to transcend time. At least for a time. Palestrina sounds as fresh
today as he did in 1555, but Dante, only three centuries older, already smells
of the archaic, the medieval, the catacombs.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Music hath charms to soothe a savage breast,
To soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak.
I've read that things inanimate have moved,
And as with living souls have been inform'd
By magic numbers and persuasive sound.
               -- Congreve
%%
Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
               -- Lao Tsu
%%
Music is a savage art, a measured madness.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Music is the answer.
%%
Musical Definition, no 486:

Allegro :-  the bluebell girls.
%%
Musical Hairsplitting:
       The act of classifying music and musicians into pathologically
picayune categories: "The Vienna Franks ara a good example of urban
white acid folk revivalism crossed with ska."
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Musical innovation is full of danger to the State, for when modes
of music change, the laws of the State always change with them.
               -- Plato (428-348? B.C.), "The Republic"
%%
Musicians do it with rhythm.
%%
Musick is almost as dangerous as Gunpowder; and it may be requires
looking after no less than the Press or the Mint. 'Tis possible
a publick Regulation might not be amiss.
               -- Jeremy Collier (1650-1726)
%%
Mussourgsky does it at an exhibition.
%%
Must Go - My Rotweiler needs its teeth sharpened.
%%
Must I hold a candle to my shames?
               -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%%
Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
%%
Must the hunger become anger and the anger fury before anything will be done?
               -- John Steinbeck (1902-1968)
%%
Mw'lfgah mywfg fhtagn G'htyaf nglyf lghya
%%
My Analyze over the ocean,
My Analyze over the sea.
My Analyze over the ocean,
Oh bring back my Anatomy.
%%
My Aunt Ida at age eighty-three: "Yeah," she said, "I'll be dead pretty soon.
And frankly, I don't give a damn."
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
My Bonnie looked into a gas tank
The height of its contents to see
She lighted a match to assist her
Oh bring back my Bonnie to me.
%%
My Go  amn keyboar   oesn't have any  's!
%%
My God can beat up YOUR god...
%%
My God!  You have freckles everywhere!
%%
My God. It's full of stars...
               -- 2001
%%
My I.U.D. picks up Radio Windy.
%%
My My, hey hey
Rock and roll is here to stay   The king is gone but he's not forgotten
It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
Than to fade away               It's better to burn out than it is to rust
My my, hey hey                  The king is gone but he's not forgotten

It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
They give you this, but you pay for that        Rock and roll can never die
And once you're gone you can never come back    There's more to the picture
When you're out of the blue                     Than meets the eye
And into the black
               -- Neil Young
                  [My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps]
%%
My Other Car is a STARSHIP
%%
My Publisher: "Yes, sooner or later, we all wake up dead!"
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
My RAM's not what it used to be, so don't quote me.
%%
My admiration for you can be taken for granite.
%%
My advice to any young man at the beginning of his career is to try to
look for the mere outlines of big things with his fresh, untrained, and
unprejudiced mind.
               -- H. Selye
%%
My advice to young people who wish to earn their living by writing is:
DO.
               -- Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)
%%
My aim is the re-establishment of the worship of men.
               -- Gabriel D'Annunzio
%%
My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let her husband
work.
%%
My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
'Cause instead of one head-
I've got two.

And you know two heads are better than one.
%%
My aura can beat up your aura.
%%
My bogometer just triggered.
%%
My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R.
%%
My books always make the best-seller lists in Wolf Hole, Arizona, and
Hanksville, Utah.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
My books are not taken seriously. But that's all right; they are given
playfully.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine -- everybody
drinks water.
               -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
My boss is a Jewish carpenter.
%%
My boss just told the quote-of-the-day(TM) after talking to our
friendly IBM salesguy who said:

    "You've got be careful about getting locked into open systems."

Heh!  Why don't I trust these people? :-)
               -- Ian Dickinson ([email protected])
%%
My brain is my second favorite organ.
               -- Woody Allen
%%
My brain is paged out to my liver
%%
My brother is an only child.
               -- Bennett Cerf
%%
My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.  He goes around
with his head stuck up his ass.
%%
My but she's a strange one.
%%
My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
       and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
       decimal points for the sake of precision.
Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
       I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
       arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are over.
Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my life,
       and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
%%
My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
               -- Hunter S. Thompson
%%
My colleagues and I feel that independents like ElfQuest are nothing but sheep
in wolves' clothing.
               -- S. Lee
%%
My computer can beat up your computer.
               -- Karl Lehenbauer, [email protected]
%%
My computer has a terminal illness
%%
My computer puts out.
%%
My computer tells me that in twenty-five years there will be no more
computers.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
My computer's sick, I think my modem's a carrier
%%
My congratulations to the committee that planned this day.
%%
My couch potato routine honed to perfection
%%
My cousin Elroy spent seven years as an IBM taper staring at THINK signs on
the walls before he finally got a good idea: He quit.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
%%
My daddy said, "Son, you're gonna drive me to drinkin'
if you don't stop drivin' that hot-rod Lincoln."
%%
My darkness has been filled with the light of intelligence, and behold,
the outer day-lit world was stumbling and groping in social blindness.
               -- Helen Keller
%%
My darling wife was always glum.
I drowned her in a cask of rum,
And so made sure that she would stay
In better spirits night and day.
%%
My desire is ... that mine adversary had written a book.
               -- Job xxxi. 35
%%
My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
%%
My economic philosophy is middle of the road.
I spend money left and right.
%%
My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, beautifully
co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much is going on.
               -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963)
%%
My eyes feel like pinballs, my tongue feels like a fish.
%%
My fallacies are more logical than your fallacies.
%%
My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
               -- Iphicrates
%%
My father had the spirit and integrity of a scientist, but he was a salesman.
I remember asking him the question "How can a man of integrity be a salesman?"

He said to me, "Frankly, many salesmen in the business are not
straightforward -- they think it's a better way to sell.  But I've tried being
straightforward, and I find it has its advantages.  In fact, I wouldn't do it
any other way.  If the customer thinks at all, he'll realize he has had some
bad experience with another salesman, but hasn't had that kind of experience
with you.  So in the end, several customers will stay with you for a long time
and appreciate it."
               -- Richard Phillips Feynman (1918-1988), "What Do You Care
                  What Other People Think?"
%%
My father taught me three things:
       1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
       2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
       3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
%%
My father was a God-fearing man,
but he never missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
               -- E. B. White
%%
My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey;
my family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
               -- Alexandre Dumas, pere (1802-1870)
%%
My father, a good man, told me
"Never lose your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
               -- Erich Maria Remarque
%%
My favorite has always been the No Fear shirt that says
"He who dies with the most toys -- still dies"
               -- [email protected]
%%
My favorite is about a man who tried to hijack a plane.  It was a
charter flight, sitting on the ground.  The guy runs across the
tarmac, forces his way into the plane, pulls a gun on the stewardess,
who starts to laugh. Turns out this is a flight of FBI agents going to
a convention, and there are now a plane full of guns aimed at him.
%%
My favorite piece of technical writing: Assembly of Japanese bicycle
require great peace of mind.
               -- Robert Pirsig
%%
My favorite tee shirt

"He who dies with the most toes wins"
               -- [email protected]
%%
My favorite tee shirt

"He who dies with the most toy wins"  with
a picture of a climber with a huge aid rack.
%%
My favorite tee shirt

Love a climber they use protection.
               -- John Michael Reel, [email protected]
%%
My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
but they were there to meet the boat.
%%
My foolish parents taught me to read and write.
%%
My friend, why have you drifted so far away?
All motion is relative,
maybe it is you who have moved away by standing still.
%%
My gawd, how the years fly. Stolidly middle-aged - when only yesterday
I was young and eager and awed by the mystery of an unfolding world.
               -- H. P. Lovecraft, 8/20/1926
%%
My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer.  First
she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her.  This summer I'm going to go
back and dig her up.
%%
My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
%%
My godda bless, never I see sucha people.
               -- Signor Piozzi [quoted by Cecilia Thrale]
%%
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912...well,
to make a long story short...
               -- Steven Wright
%%
My hat covers my head... Just like hair used to!
%%
My head is sore, and there's a hole in the brick wall!
%%
My heart is heavy at the remembrance of all the miles that lie between
us; and I can scarcely believe that you are so distant from me.  We are
parted; and every parting is a form of death, as every reunion is a type
of heaven.
               -- Edwards
%%
My hopes were dashed to smithereens.
%%
My husband is the kind of boy who'll not go anywhere without his
father, and his father will go anywhere.
%%
My idea of a happy vacation isn't spending most of it alone.
%%
My idea of education is to unsettle the minds of the young and inflame
their intellects.
               -- Robert Maynard Hutchins
%%
My idea of heaven is eating foie gras to the sound of trumpets.
               -- Sydney Smith
%%
My indignation, like th' imprisoned fire, pent in the troubled breast of
Aetna, burnt deep and silent.
               -- Thomson
%%
My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
%%
My interest is in the future,
because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
%%
My karma ran over my dogma
%%
My kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to its institutions
or its officeholders.  The country is the real thing, the substantial
thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for,
and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere
clothing, and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be
comfortable, cease to protect the body from winter, disease, and death.
               -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
My kingdom for a beer; half my beer for a woman.
%%
My lawyer can beat up your lawyer.
%%
My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring
%%
My life will go on...
       without your daily phone calls
       without your smile
       without your corny jokes
       without rides in your car with no destination
       without dinners for two and
       mainly without you.
               -- "Goldengirl"
%%
My lips pressed themselves involuntarily to hers -- a long, long kiss,
burning intense -- concentrating emotion, heart, soul, all the rays of
life's light... into a single focus.
               -- Bulwer
%%
My lord, I have a cunning plan...
%%
My lucky colour just faded.
%%
My message above.  Your response here ____________.
%%
My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
even that they were always wrong.  Rather, I believe that science must
be understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not
the work of robots programmed to collect pure information.  I also
present this view as an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for
a noble hope sacrificed on the alter of human limitations.

I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it.  Galileo was not
shown the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar
motion.  He had threatened the Church's conventional argument for social
and doctrinal stability:  the static world order with planets circling
about a central earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to
their lord.  But the Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology.
They had no choice; the earth really does revolve about the sun.
               -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
%%
My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
thing to say.  And then say it with the utmost levity.
               -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
My mind can never know my body,
although it has become quite friendly with my legs.
               -- Woody Allen [on Epistemology]
%%
My mind is made up, don't confuse me with facts
%%
My mind's been working overtime.
%%
My modem can beat up your modem.
%%
My mom said this the other day:

"You know, there's somebody in town that has Alzheimer's... but
I can't remember who it is."
%%
My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
               -- Crazy Jimmy
%%
My mother had a baby once.
               -- Jigger
%%
My mother is from Iceland and my father is from Cuba.
I guess that makes me an Ice Cube.
%%
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
               -- Sue Murphy
%%
My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.
               -- Friday
%%
My mother-in-law broke up my marriage.
One day my wife came home early from work and found us in bed together.
               -- Lenny Bruce
%%
My motto is:  Contented with little, yet wishing for more.
               -- Charles Lamb (1775-1834)
%%
My name is Carrot Man and I curse your little sister's goldfish.
%%
My neighbor is a real energy saver -- hasn't been out of his hammock all
summer.
               -- Phil Pastoret
%%
My notion of a great novel is something like a five-hundred-page shaggy-dog
story, with only the punch line omitted.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
My number, definite and known
Is ten time ten, told ten times o'er
Though half of me is one alone
And half exceeds all count and score
Thousand (Thou-sand)
%%
My one regret in life is that I'm not somebody else.
               -- Woody Allen
%%
My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
               -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
%%
My opponent's best move is my best move.
%%
My other car is a broom!
%%
My other car is a police car
%%
My other computer is a abacus.
%%
My other computer is also a Unix system.
%%
My own best books have not been published. In fact, they've not even been
written yet.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
               -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
%%
My parents went to the Tee-Shirt Shoppe and all I got was this stupid T-shirt!
%%
My position hasn't changed.  I am, uh, pro -- pro -- uh, prolife --
               -- President George Bush, April 1992
%%
My precept to all who build is, that the owner should be an ornament to
the house, and not the house an ornament to the owner.
               -- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
%%
My preferred programing language is solder, but I do the re-writes in VHDL.
               -- Dave Spring, [email protected]
%%
My problem is not that I don't have my shit together.  I've always had
my shit together.  My problem is that I just can't lift it.
               -- Burt Reynold's character, "The Longest Yard"
                  by Tracy Keenan Wynn
%%
My rackets are run on strictly American lines and they're going to stay
that way.
               -- Al Capone (1899-1947)
%%
My rage is not malicious; like a spark of fire by steel enforced out of
a flint it is no sooner kindled, but extinct.
               -- Goffe
%%
My reason is not framed to bend or stoop; my knees are.
               -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533-1592)
%%
My responsibility is to follow the Scriptures which call upon us
to occupy the land until Jesus returns.
               -- James Watt, in "The Washington Post", 24 May 1981
%%
My rule is to be true rather than funny.
               -- Bill Cosby
%%
My sole literary ambition is to write one good novel, then retire to my hut in
the desert, assume the lotus position, compose my mind and senses, and sink
into meditation, contemplating my novel.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
My strength is as the strength of ten because my code is pure.
%%
My surf, my beach my wave baby, get off.
%%
My tagline can beat up your tagline!
%%
My to me an empire is.
               -- Southwell
%%
My toughest fight was with my first wife.
               -- Muhammad Ali
%%
My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
               -- Fred Allen
%%
My way of joking is to tell the truth.
It's the funniest joke in the world.
               -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys
she's cut out entirely.
               -- Rodney Dangerfield
%%
My wife just had plastic surgery, I cut up all her credit cards.
%%
My wife says I don't listen to her -
at least that's what I think she said.
%%
My youngest daughter just had her first birthday. We bought her a card
with one of those "I am 1" badges. One the back was the disclaimer:
"Not suitable for children under three years old"
%%
My, how you've changed since I've changed.
%%
My, we've certainly come a long way from the days of the revolution.
Back then, the guys that wrote the Second Amendment felt that the
boundaries should restrict government, not individuals.  Boy were they
screwed up!

Don't ask for responsibility: insist on it.
               -- George L Roman, [email protected]
%%
Mystery is a word with no objective pertinence, merely describing the
limitations of a mind. In fact, a mind may be classified by the order of
the phenomena it considers mysterious ...
               -- Magnus Ridolf
%%
Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
               -- Booth Tarkington
%%
Myth-conceptions are the major cause of wars!
               -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945)
%%
NAESER'S LAW:
For every foolproof program, there is a bigger and more dangerous fool who
will bypass the safeguards.
%%
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he
         says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
         will be right.
               -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "The Man of Destiny"
%%
NASA also has serious intentions of making up the next shuttle crew
entirely of third world astronauts.  It seems that they want
personnel more accustomed to sudden population explosion.
%%
NASA has decided it is going to go back to paying $900.00 for sheet
metal screws.  It seems they were unhappy after finding out that
their lowest bidder depended on the screw threads being optional.
[Historical note:  one of the takeoff delays was due to a screw
being stripped.  They had to drill it out on the launchpad.  Further
delay was introduced by the fact that they didn't have a drill.]
%%
NASA is no longer going to have Tang as its official drink.
Their new official drink will be Ocean Spray.
%%
NATALIE'S LAW OF SCHOOLWORK:
You never catch on until after the test.
%%
NATHAN...your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! They're VOIDED - They
COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ...They had no MONEY MACHINES ...They
did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ...Nathan, I EMULATED them ...but they
were OFF-KEY...
%%
NATIONAL ENQUIRER headline:
"Reagan sees UFO and orders his pilot: Follow it!"
%%
NATO Integrated Communications System Telegraph Automatic Relay
Equipment.  What a mouthful!
%%
NAVEL:
       A place to stash your gum on the way down.
%%
NAZISM - You have two cows.  The government takes both and shoots you.
%%
NECROPHILIA:
       Dropping in for a cold one.
%%
NEKKED: nude.  "She was in the pool nekked as a jaybird!"
               -- Texan Dictionary
%%
NERD PACK:
       Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
       clothes.  Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
       measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
       in his pack.
%%
NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing.
%%
NEUTRON BOMB:
       An explosive device of limited military value because,
       as it only destroys people without destroying property,
       it must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
%%
NEW YORK (AP) -- According to a new poll, 72% of Americans who believe in
Heaven rate their chances of going there as good to excellent, but many say
their friends' chances are considerably worse.
%%
NEW YORK:
       Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
%%
NEW: different color from previous design
%%
NEWS FLASH ===

Medical researchers have discovered that possums and armadillos
are carriers of AIDS.*

The Surgeon General urges all Americans to take appropriate
precautions.
*  Asphalt Instant Death Syndrome
%%
NEWS FLASH!!
       Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
       German pole-vault champion.
%%
NEWSFLASH!!
       Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
       1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its
       way down.  It was.  Age 31.
%%
NFS:  all the nice semantics of MSDOS, and its performance and security too.
               -- Henery Spencer
%%
NIHIL EX NIHIL -- DON'T SETQ NIL.
%%
NMI from unknown source
%%
NO BRAINER:
       A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
       is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
%%
NO MAINTENANCE: impossible to fix
%%
NO MORE BU__ SH__
%%
NODE'S POSTULATE FOR TRAVELLERS:
       When the plane you are on is late,
       the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
%%
NODE: Past tense of to know.  "I node him for years!"
               -- Texan Dictionary
%%
NODES LAW OF STASIS:
If you're so competent that you are irreplaceable,
you won't be promoted.
%%
NOGG'S POSTULATE:
Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable.
%%
NOLO CONTENDERE:
       A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it,
       judge, and I'll never do it again."
%%
NOMINAL EGG:
       New Yorkerese for expensive.
%%
NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.
%%
NOODLE'S RULE OF SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT:
       Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
%%
NORMAL ORDER OF TELEVISION ACTIVITIES:
   Turn on
   Tune in
   Throw up
%%
NOT THE BIBLE, Chapter 1, Verse 23:
"And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good;
and God said, It JUST goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish.
With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken BILLIONS OF YEARS."
               -- Tony Hendra and Sean Kelly
%%
NOTE FROM MANAGEMENT:
To avoid damaging the connectors, please disconnect terminal before throwing
it out of the window.
%%
NOTE: Zhmoogie, along with a Nosei(no-say), and a Zhmoogwe[Zhmoog-wee]
all live in Greenland.
     Zhmoogie: An evil creature with death and destruction on its mind.
     Zhmoogwe: An animal who loves the '60s and wears bell bottoms and
               attends "Groovey" and "keen" meatings to work for peace.
     Nosei:    A dumb creature who are pets to Zhmoogwes and food to
               Zhmoogies.

       Attack of the Zhmoogies
       ------ -- --- ---------
       I regular ol' Dick and Jane story.

       See Dick and Jane getting on plane.
       See them travel to Greenland
       Jane gets off plane.
       Dick follows.
       See Jane get attacked by a Zhmoogie.
       Run Jane, run!
       Dick tries to rescue Jane.
       Go Dick, go!
       See Dick get eaten by Zhmoogie.
       Yum, Yum.
       Jane reminds Zhmoogie about good manners.
       Way to go, Jane!!
       Zhmoogie now offers Jane to a game of Jacks.
       Play Jane, play!
%%
NOTHING:
       A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
%%
NOWPRINT. NOWPRINT. Clemclone, back to the shadows again.
               -- The Firesign Theater
%%
NTSC - Successor to the National Transportation Safety Board.
%%
NUKE THE GAY BLACK FEMALE BABY WHALES FOR JESUS...
%%
NULL HYPOTHESIS: The type of hypothesis used by a pessimist.
%%
NUMBER CRUNCHING:  Jumping on a Computer.
%%
NUMERIC - 46-26-38
%%
NURSES call the shots.
%%
Na zdorovye!
%%
Naaah, real men don't read docs.
%%
Nada muere, todo baja del rio del tiempo al mar de la eternidad y alli queda.
               -- Miguel de Unamuno, "Ver con los Ojos y Otros
                  Relatos Novelescos"
%%
Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
               -- '76 Olympics
%%
Nadie tiene mas imaginacion que la realidad.
               -- Miguel de Unamuno, "El Espejo de la Muerte", 1941
%%
Nag, nag nag.
%%
Nag, nag, nag.  Why else do you think I'm here?  Go do something!
%%
Nagagator: Map-reading back-seat driver.
%%
Nahh, real mathematicians do it discretely -- anyone who does it
%%
Naked Girls Tonight!
%%
Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely.  I confess I do not admire
naked boys.  They always seem to me to need clothes--whereas one hardly sees
why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
               -- Lewis Carroll
%%
Namien lies to the southeast of your current position. Nothing else
can be seen save the empty waters of the ocean.
%%
Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron ... seems he's making it hard for
everyone but her.
%%
Nancy:   "Just Nancy."
Marilyn: "Oh, like Cher."
Nancy:   "Not quite."
               -- The school nurse and Marshall's Mom, "Just Say No Fun",
                  Eerie Indiana
%%
Nancy: "...but I've seen your type before."
Mars:  "Yeh, cool and sauve."
               -- The school nurse and Marshall, "Just Say No Fun",
                  Eerie Indiana
%%
Nancy: "Boys, where do you think you're going?"
Mars:  "We're going to the FBI."
               -- The school nurse and Marshall, "Just Say No Fun",
                  Eerie Indiana
%%
Nanosecond: Mork's stunt man.
%%
Narrow-minded provincialism: Sad to say but true--I am more interested in the
mountain lions of Utah, the wild pigs of Arizona, than I am in the fate of all
the Arabs of Araby, all the Wogs of Hindustan, all the Ethiopians of
Abyssinia....
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Narrowness of mind is often the cause of obstinacy: we do not easily
believe beyond what we see.
               -- Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld
%%
Nasrudin said, "I can see in the dark."  A student asked, "If that is
so, why do you sometimes carry a candle at night?"  "To prevent other
people from bumping into me."
%%
Nasrudin said, "If your donkey allows someone to steal your coat,
steal his saddle."
%%
Nasrudin used to take a donkey across a frontier every day, with
the panniers loaded with straw.  Since he admitted to being a smuggler
when he trudged home every night, the guards searched him again and
again.  They frisked him, sifted the straw, even tried burning it.
They found nothing, but as time went by Nasrudin became more and
more prosperous.  Many years later, in another country, a retired
customs guard met Nasrudin and asked him what he had been smuggling.
"Donkeys" was the reply.
%%
Nasrudin was taking a load of salt to market.  His donkey waded through
a stream, dissolving the salt.  Delighted to be relieved of his load,
the donkey frisked on the shore, but Nasrudin was angered.  The next
market day, Nasrudin loaded the donkey with wool.  The animal nearly
drowned from the weight of the wool after wetting it in the stream.
Nasrudin sold the heavy, damp wool for more than it was worth.
%%
Nasrudin, ferrying a pedant across a piece of rough water, said
something ungrammatical to him.  "Have you never studied grammar?",
asked the scholar.  "No."  "Then half your life has been wasted."
A few minutes later Nasrudin turned to the passenger, and asked
"Have you ever learned how to swim?"  "No."  "Then all your life
is wasted -- we are sinking!"
%%
Nasty, brutish, and short
%%
National hatred is something peculiar.  You will always find it
strongest and most violent where there is the lowest degree of culture.
               -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
%%
National security is in your hands - guard it well.
%%
National security is the chief cause of national insecurity.
%%
Nationalize crime.  Make sure it doesn't pay.
%%
Nations and empires flourish and decay,
By turns command, and in their turns obey.
               -- Ovid
%%
Native Aping:
       Pretending to be a native when visiting a foreign destination.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Natural abilities are like natural plants; they need pruning by study.
               -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Natural amiableness is too often seen in company with sloth, with
uselessness, with the vanity of fashionable life.
               -- William Ellery Channing (1780-1842)
%%
Natural resources and inanimate energy ... are increasingly regarded as
affected with a public interest... Certainly they were left by God or
geology to mankind and not to the Standard Oil Company of California.
If this is not sound moral doctrine, I do not know what is.
               -- Stuart Chase (1888-?)
%%
Natural selection won't matter soon, not anywhere as much as conscious
selection.  We will civilize and alter ourselves to suit our ideas of
what we can be.  Within one more human lifespan, we will have changed
ourselves unrecognizably.
               -- Greg Bear
%%
Naturally!
%%
Naturally, within IBM we don't say 'traitor to the working class', we
say 'counter-strategic'.
%%
Nature (reality) is just as absolutist as chess, and her rules (laws)
are just as immutable (more so) -- but her rules and their applications
are much, much more complex, and have to be discovered by man.  And
just as a man may memorize the rules of chess, but has to use his own
mind in order to apply them, i.e., in order to play well -- so each
man has to use his own mind in order to apply the rules of nature, i.e.,
in order to live successfully.  A long time ago, the grandmaster of
all grandmasters gave us the basic principles of the method by which
one discovers the rules of nature and of life.  His name was Aristotle.
               -- Ayn Rand
%%
Nature abhors a hero.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Nature abhors a vacuum.
%%
Nature abhors second order differential equations.
%%
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
%%
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.

It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
%%
Nature gave man two ends -- one to sit on and one to think with.  Ever
since then man's success or failure has been dependent on the one he
used most.
               -- George R. Kirkpatrick
%%
Nature gives us relatives, thank goodness we can choose our friends.
%%
Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
given them little.
               -- Dr. Johnson
%%
Nature here was so lavish of her store,
That she bestow'd until she had no more.
               -- Brown
%%
Nature is a revelation of God;
Art is a revelation of man.
               -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
%%
Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
               -- Fran Lebowitz
%%
Nature is indifferent to our love, but never unfaithful.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Nature is mighty.  Art is mighty.  Artifice is weak.  For nature is the
work of a mightier power than man.  Art is the work of man under the
guidance and the inspiration of a mightier power.  Artifice is the work
of mere man in the imbecility of his mimic understanding.
%%
Nature is the chart of God, mapping out all His attributes; art is the
shadow of His wisdom, and copieth His resources.
               -- Tupper
%%
Nature is the vicar of the Almighty Lord.
               -- Geoffrey Chaucer
%%
Nature is usually wrong.
               -- James McNeill Whistler
%%
Nature often enshrines gallant and noble hearts in weak bosoms --
oftenest, God bless her! - in female breasts.
               -- Dickens
%%
Nature teaches beasts to know their friends.
%%
Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
As on the land while here the ocean gains,
In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
The solid power of understanding fails;
Where beams of warm imagination play,
The memory's soft figures melt away.
               -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744), (on runtime bounds checking?)
%%
Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.
               -- Charles Darwin (1809-1882)
%%
Nature, like Miamonides said, is mainly a good place to throw beer cans on
Sunday afternoons.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
               -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Neanderthalers, low of forehead,
Slunk through prehistoric mists
Thinking men were pretty horrid--
Using spears against their fists!
%%
Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
On the Rue des Ecoles
lived an old man
with a blind dog
Every evening I would see him
guiding the dog along
the sidewalk, keeping
a firm grip on the leash
so that the dog wouldn't
run into a passerby
Sometimes the dog would stop
and look up at the sky
Once the old man
noticed me watching the dog
and he said, "Oh, yes,
this one knows
when the moon is out,
he can feel it on his face"
               -- Barry Gifford
%%
Nearby is an ornate egyptian ankh.
%%
Nearly all men can stand adversity,
but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
               -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
%%
Nearly all of Latin America, from Chile to Mexico, is one long rack of
torture. Financed, equipped, and refined by the U.S. government.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Necessity has no law.
               -- St. Augustine
%%
Necessity has no law; I know some Lawyers of the same.
               -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
%%
Necessity is the mother of invention.
%%
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
               -- Dave Farber
%%
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
Watch who you sleep with.
%%
Necrophiliacs find you attractive.
%%
Needs are a function of what other people have.
%%
Neil Armstrong tripped.
%%
Neither a borrower nor a lender be at less than 18 percent per annum
compounded daily.
               -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac
%%
Neither a borrower or a lender be:
for loan oft loses both itself and friend.
%%
Neither a burrower nor a lentil bee.
               -- Wm. Snakespeare
%%
Neither do the ignorant seek after wisdom.  For herein is the evil of
ignorance, that he who is neither good nor wise is nevertheless
satisfied with himself; he has no desire for that of which he feels no
want.
               -- Plato (428-348? B.C.)
%%
Neither great poverty, nor great riches, will hear reason.
               -- Fielding
%%
Neither snow nor rain nor gloom of darkness
shall keep these couriers from the swift completion
of their appointed rounds.
%%
Neither soldiers nor money can defend a king
but only friends won by good deeds, merit, and honesty.
               -- Sallust, "De bello Iugurthino"
%%
Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
%%
Neither the Declaration of Independence nor the Articles of
Confederation nor any of the first state constitutions had mentioned the
word "republic."  At the time, it was like a red flag to conservatives
everywhere.
               -- Charles Austin (1874-1948)
                  and Mary R. Beard (1876-1958)
%%
Neither the poor nor the rich may sleep under bridges or beg in the
streets.
%%
Nemo me impune lacessit [No one provokes me with impunity]
               -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
%%
Neptune's own crystal trident is here.
%%
Network - the occupation of a fisherman.
%%
Network:  An electronic means of allowing more than one person at a time to
         corrupt, trash, or otherwise cause permanent damage to useful data.
%%
Neudel's Nostrum: The only people worth talking to in a bureaucracy are the
ones who never deal with the public.
%%
Neurologists will discover that the voices you hear in your head are only
echoes.
%%
Neuroses are red,
       Melancholia's blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
       What are you?
%%
Neurosis is a communicable disease.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Neurosis seems to be a human privilege.
               -- Sigmund Freud (1856-1939)
%%
Neurotic means he is not as sensible as I am, and psychotic means he's
even worse than my brother-in-law.
               -- Karl Menninger
%%
Neurotics build castles in the sky,
Psychotics live in them,
And psychiatrists collect the rent.
%%
Neutral Greedy
%%
Neutrinos are into physicists.
%%
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
%%
Never Stop.
%%
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
               -- Erma Bombeck's father
%%
Never admit anything.  Never regret anything.
Whatever it is, you're not responsible.
%%
Never apologize, never explain.
               -- Benjamin Jowett (1817-1893)

(Of whom it was said that what he didn't know wasn't knowledge.)
%%
Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Never argue with a woman when she's tired, or rested.
%%
Never argue with an angry person.
%%
Never argue with the fabricating plant about an error.  The inspection
prints are all checked off, even to the holes that aren't there.
%%
Never ask a shopkeeper for a price list.
%%
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good
price.
%%
Never assume anything except a 4 1/2 percent mortgage.
               -- David Kindred
%%
Never assume.  It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
%%
Never attack a guard.
%%
Never be a pioneer.  It's the Early Christian that gets the fattest lion.
               -- H. H. Munro
%%
Never be first to do anything.
%%
Never be so brief as to become obscure.
               -- Tyron Edwards
%%
Never before have so few puked so much on so many.
%%
Never begin vast projects with half-vast ideas.
%%
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.
               -- Claud Cockburn
%%
Never bother to test for an error condition
you don't know how to handle if it actually occurred.
%%
Never bow to authority, but always tip your hat.
               -- Jim Fiebig
%%
Never build after you are five and forty; have five years' income in
hand before you lay a brick; and always calculate the expense at double
the estimate.
               -- Kent
%%
Never buy from a rich salesman.
               -- Goldenstern
%%
Never buy what you do not want
because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
               -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
%%
Never can tell.
%%
Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.
               -- Charles G. Ross
%%
Never close your lips to those to whom you have opened your heart.
               -- Charles Dickens
%%
Never confuse motion with action.
               -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
%%
Never contend with one that is foolish, proud, positive, testy, or with
a superior, or a clown, in a matter of argument.
               -- Thomas Fuller
%%
Never crowd youngsters about their private affairs. When they are
growing up, they are nerve ends all over, and resent (quite properly)
any invasion of their privacy. Oh, sure, they'll make mistakes--but
that's their business, not yours. (YOU made your own mistakes, did you
not?)
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Never decide to buy anything while listening to the salesman.
               -- Edmund C. Berkeley
%%
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
%%
Never do anything for the first time.
               -- Paul Herbig
%%
Never do anything twice that you don't have to do at all.
%%
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
               -- Matthew Browne, "Lilliput Levee"
%%
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you
%%
Never drink from your finger bowl - it contains only water.
%%
Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man called Doc.
Never make love to a woman called Mizz *La Belle Dame*.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. And
never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
               -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
%%
Never eat at a place called Mom's.
               -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
%%
Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
        9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate.  You
           can always eat it later.
       10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
       11. Avoid blue food.
               -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
%%
Never eat prunes when you are famished.
%%
Never eat with glowing hands!
%%
Never eat yellow snow!
%%
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
%%
Never enter a subway where the security guard has grafitti on his face.
%%
Never explain.
Your friends do not need it and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
               -- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
%%
Never feel self-pity, the most destructive emotion there is.
How awful to be caught up in the terrible squirrel cage of self.
               -- Millicent Fenwick
%%
Never fight a monster: you might get killed.
%%
Never find your delight in another's misfortune.
               -- Publius Syrus
%%
Never fish for compliments. You'll only confuse people.
%%
Never fly under a sea gull - they'll shit on your airplane.
               -- Gordon Cooper
%%
Never forget that the darkest hour is only sixty minutes.
%%
Never frighten a little man. He'll kill you.
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Never get married in the morning, you'll never
know who you'll meet that night.
%%
Never give a sucker an even break.
               -- W. C. Fields
%%
Never give an inch!
When you have a foot!
%%
Never go into the dungeon at midnight.
%%
Never go to a doctor whose house plants have died.
               -- Erma Bombeck
%%
Never go to sea with two chronometers; take one or three.
               -- Anonymous
%%
Never go with the odds
%%
Never grow old where you once have been great.
               -- Italo Bombolini
%%
Never had it, never will.
%%
Never have anything to do with an unlucky place, or an unlucky man.  I
have seen many clever men, very clever men, who had not shoes to their
feet.  I never act with them.  Their advice sounds very well, but they
cannot get on themselves; and if they cannot do good to themselves, how
can they do good for me?
               -- Baron Rothschild
%%
Never have so many understood so little about so much.
               -- James Burke
%%
Never hit a man with glasses.  Use your fist!
%%
Never hold anyone by the button or the hand in order to be heard out;
for if people are unwilling to hear you, you had better hold your tongue
than them.
               -- Lord Chesterfield
%%
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
               -- Cordell Hull
%%
Never join with your friend when he abuses his horse or his wife, unless
the one is about to be sold, and the other to be buried.
               -- Colton
%%
Never justify anything. If it needs justification, it's already wrong.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Never kick a man unless he's down.
%%
Never kick a sleeping dog.
%%
Never kiss an animal. It may cause kissing disease.
%%
Never laugh at live dragons.
               -- Bilbo Baggins
%%
Never leave anything to chance;
make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
%%
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
               -- Erma Bombeck
%%
Never let a domestic quarrel ruin a day's writing. If your can't start
the next day fresh, get rid of your wife.
%%
Never let lack of money interfere with having fun.
%%
Never let lack of preparation hinder the implementation of a change.
%%
Never let someone else's confidence magnify your insecurity.
%%
Never let your feet run faster than your shoes.
%%
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
               -- Nelson Algren
%%
Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
               -- Saint Jerome
%%
Never look down to test the ground before taking your next step; only he
who keeps his eye fixed on the far horizon will find his right road.
               -- Dag Hammarskjold
%%
Never map the labyrinth.
%%
Never mind the facts - I know what I know.
%%
Never mistake motion for action.
               -- Hemingway
%%
Never moon a werewolf.
%%
Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.
               -- John Randolph
%%
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
               -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
%%
Never overlook a slight or forget a grudge.
%%
Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
%%
Never play cards with a man called Doc.
               -- Nelson Algren
%%
Never play cards with a man called Doc.
Never eat eat at a place called Mom's.
Never sleep with a woman whose problems are worse than your own.
               -- Nelson Algren
%%
Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
%%
Never promise more than you can perform.
               -- Publilius Syrus
%%
Never purchase anything with a handle on it -- it means work.
%%
Never put a question mark where god puts a period
%%
Never put off until tomorrow what can be avoided altogether
%%
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
%%
Never remove an anomaly simply because it is an anomaly.
               -- Macaulay
%%
Never replicate a successful experiment.
%%
Never reveal your best argument.
%%
Never ride a long worm.
%%
Never rise to speak till you have something to say; and when you
have said it, cease.
               -- Witherspoon
%%
Never say "The White House wants" -- buildings don't "want."
               -- Donald Rumsfeld
%%
Never say maybe in the same circulation area where you just said never.
               -- Vic Gold
%%
Never say never.
%%
Never say no.
%%
Never say without qualification that your activity has sufficient space,
money, staff, etc.
               -- Douglas Evelyn
%%
Never say you know someone until you have divided an inheritance with
him.
%%
Never sell your hens on a wet day.
%%
Never send a letter requesting information to an editor unless you
expect to receive a prolix letter in return.
               -- Robert Cook
%%
Never shirk from doing anything which your business calls you to do.
The man who is above his business may one day find his business above
him.
               -- Drew
%%
Never shove your granny while she's shaving.
%%
Never simply say, "Sorry, we don't have what you are looking for."

Always say, "Too bad, I just sold the last one yesterday."
               -- Robert Skole
%%
Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
               -- Nelson Algren
%%
Never sleep with anyone with more troubles than yourself.
%%
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
%%
Never step on a cursed engraving.
%%
Never stop to plan if you can keep busy making progress.
%%
Never substitute management for judgement- they are not the same.
%%
Never suffer an exception to occur till the new habit is securely rooted
in your life.  Each lapse is like the letting fall of a ball of string
which one is carefully winding up; a single slip undoes more than a
great many turns will wind again.
               -- William James
%%
Never swap horses crossing a stream.
%%
Never tamper with the truth.  Never rationalize it.  What you might like
to believe is not necessarily the truth.
%%
Never tell me the odds--numbers confuse me
%%
Never tell people how to do things.  Tell them what to do and they will
surprise you with their ingenuity.
               -- Gen. George S. Patton, "War As I Knew It", 1947
%%
Never tell them what you wouldn't do.
               -- Adam Clayton Powell
%%
Never tolerate the establishment of two continental powers in Europe.
               -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945), "Mein Kampf", 1933
%%
Never trust a Hippy
               -- Gentleman Geoff
%%
Never trust a computer you can't lift.
               -- Stan Masor [Intel Corp.]
%%
Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
%%
Never trust a grapefruit.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers
%%
Never trust a man who is Dr. Jekyll to those above him and Mr. Hyde to
those below him.
               -- Charles Brower
%%
Never trust a proctologist who can palm a basketball.
%%
Never trust a random generator in magic fields.
%%
Never trust a smiling game master
%%
Never trust a tall dwarf. He's lying about something.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
               -- John Dillinger
%%
Never trust an operating system.
%%
Never trust anyone over thirty.
               -- Jerry Rubin, 1966
%%
Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
%%
Never trust anyone who volunteers to assume authority.
%%
Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
%%
Never try to out-stubborn a cat.
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Never try to teach a pig how to sing.
It only wastes your time and annoys the pig.
%%
Never try to teach physics to a Beaver; it wastes your time and it
annoys the Beaver.
%%
Never underestimate the nature and quality of the enemy.
               -- Karl von Clausewitz (1780-1831)
%%
Never underestimate the power of a platitude.
               -- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where there
is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
%%
Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
%%
Never use a wand of death.
%%
Never use one word when a dozen will suffice.
               -- Paul Herbig
%%
Never use your best weapon to engrave a curse.
%%
Never volunteer for anything.
               -- Lackland
%%
Never vomit on a door mat.
%%
Never was a patriot yet, but was a fool.
               -- John Dryden (1631-1700)
%%
Never whistle while you're pissing.
%%
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
supposed to do.
               -- Robert A. Heinlein
%%
Never, ever draw to an inside flush.
%%
Never, ever lie to someone you love unless
you're absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
%%
Never, under any circumstances, be left alone with a cross-eyed nun
with a bullwhip in one hand and a bottle of Gin in the other.......
%%
New England Life, of course.  Why?
%%
New Highway gets Railroaded.
%%
New Jersey got to pick first.
%%
New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation;
it's the asshole of the universe.
               -- Jonathan Michael Smith
%%
New Opcode: AAC     Alter All Commands
%%
New Opcode: AAD     Alter All Data
%%
New Opcode: AAO     Add And Overflow
%%
New Opcode: AAR     Alter At Random
%%
New Opcode: AB      Add Backwards
%%
New Opcode: ABC     AlphaBetize Code
%%
New Opcode: ABR     Add Beyond Range
%%
New Opcode: ADB     Another Damn Bug [UNIX]
%%
New Opcode: AFF     Add Fudge Factor
%%
New Opcode: AFHB    Align Fullword on Halfword Boundary
%%
New Opcode: AFP     Abnormalized Floating Point
%%
New Opcode: AFVC    Add Finagle's Variable Constant
%%
New Opcode: AGB     Add GarBage
%%
New Opcode: AI      Add Improperly
%%
New Opcode: AIB     Attack Innocent Bystander
%%
New Opcode: AMM     Answer My Mail
%%
New Opcode: AMS     Add Memory to System
%%
New Opcode: AOI     Annoy Operator Immediate
%%
New Opcode: AR      Alter Reality
%%
New Opcode: ARN     Add and Reset to Non-zero
%%
New Opcode: ARZ     Add and Reset to Zero
%%
New Opcode: AS      Add Sideways
%%
New Opcode: AT      Accumulate Trivia
%%
New Opcode: AWP     Argue with programmer
%%
New Opcode: AWTT    Assemble With Tinker Toys
%%
New Opcode: BAC     Branch to Alpha Centauri
%%
New Opcode: BAF     Blow All Fuses
%%
New Opcode: BAH     Branch And Hang
%%
New Opcode: BALC    Branch And Link Cheeseburger
%%
New Opcode: BAW     Bells And Whistles
%%
New Opcode: BB      Branch on Bug
%%
New Opcode: BBBB    Byte Baudy Bit and Branch
%%
New Opcode: BBI     Branch on Burned-out Indicator
%%
New Opcode: BBL     Branch on Burned-out Lamp
%%
New Opcode: BBLB    Branch on Blinking Light Bulb
%%
New Opcode: BCB     Burp and Clear Bytes
%%
New Opcode: BCF     Branch on Chip box Full
%%
New Opcode: BCIL    Branch Creating Infinite Loop
%%
New Opcode: BCR     Backspace Card Reader
%%
New Opcode: BCU     Be Cruel and Unusual
%%
New Opcode: BCU     Burn out CPU
%%
New Opcode: BD      Backspace Disk
%%
New Opcode: BD      Branch to Data
%%
New Opcode: BDC     Break Down and Cry
%%
New Opcode: BDM     Branch and Disconnect Memory
%%
New Opcode: BDT     Burn Data Tree [next opcode after decorate data tree]
%%
New Opcode: BE      Branch Everywhere
%%
New Opcode: BF      Belch Fire
%%
New Opcode: BFF     Branch and Form Feed
%%
New Opcode: BFM     Be Fruitful and Multiply.
%%
New Opcode: BLC     Branch and Loop Continuous
%%
New Opcode: BLM     Branch, Like, Maybe
%%
New Opcode: BLMWM   Branch, Like, Maybe, wow, Man
%%
New Opcode: BLR     Branch and Lose Return
%%
New Opcode: BMI     Branch on Missing Index
%%
New Opcode: BMY     Branch Maybe
%%
New Opcode: BNA     Branch to Nonexistent Address
%%
New Opcode: BNCB    Branch Never Come Back
%%
New Opcode: BNR     Branch for No Reason
%%
New Opcode: BOD     Branch on Operator Desperate
%%
New Opcode: BOP     Boot Operator
%%
New Opcode: BOP     Byte Operator
%%
New Opcode: BOT     Branch on Tree.
%%
New Opcode: BPB     Branch on Program Bug
%%
New Opcode: BPD     Branch on Programmer Debugging
%%
New Opcode: BPIM    Bury Programmer In Manuals
%%
New Opcode: BPL     Branch Please (Thad Beier)
%%
New Opcode: BPO     Branch to Power Off
%%
New Opcode: BR      Byte and Run
%%
New Opcode: BRA     BRanch Anywhere
%%
New Opcode: BRA     Branch to Random Address
%%
New Opcode: BRI     BRanch Indefinitely
%%
New Opcode: BRO     BRanch to Oblivion
%%
New Opcode: BSC     Burst Selector Channel
%%
New Opcode: BSM     Branch and Scramble Memory
%%
New Opcode: BSO     Branch on Sleeping Operator
%%
New Opcode: BSP     Backspace Punch
%%
New Opcode: BSST    BackSpace and Stretch Tape
%%
New Opcode: BTD     Byte The Dust
%%
New Opcode: BTJ     Branch and Turn Japanese
%%
New Opcode: BTO     Branch To Oblivion
%%
New Opcode: BW      Branch on Whim
%%
New Opcode: BWABL   Bells, Whistles and Blinking Lights
%%
New Opcode: BWOP    BeWilder Operator
%%
New Opcode: BYTE    Byte Test
%%
New Opcode: CAC     Cash and Carry
%%
New Opcode: CAF     Convert ASCII to Farsii
%%
New Opcode: CAI     Corrupt Accounting Information
%%
New Opcode: CAIL    Crash After I Leave
%%
New Opcode: CAT     Confused And Tired [UNIX]
%%
New Opcode: CBA     Compare and Branch Anyway
%%
New Opcode: CBNC    Close, But No Cigar
%%
New Opcode: CBS     Clobber BootStrap
%%
New Opcode: CC      Call Calvary
%%
New Opcode: CC      Compliment Core
%%
New Opcode: CC      Crappy Control [UNIX]
%%
New Opcode: CCB     Chocolate Chip Byte-mode
%%
New Opcode: CCB     Consult Crystal Ball
%%
New Opcode: CCC     Crash if Carry Clear
%%
New Opcode: CCCI    Clear Condition-Codes Indefinitely
%%
New Opcode: CCCP    Conditionally corrupt current process
%%
New Opcode: CCD     Choke, Cough and Die
%%
New Opcode: CCD     Clear Current Directory
%%
New Opcode: CCR     Change Channels Random
%%
New Opcode: CCS     Chinese Character Set
%%
New Opcode: CCWR    Change Color of Write Ring
%%
New Opcode: CD      Complement disk
%%
New Opcode: CDC     Clear Disk and Crash
%%
New Opcode: CEX     Call EXterminator
%%
New Opcode: CF      Come From (replaces Go To)
%%
New Opcode: CFE     Call Field Engineer [What do you call them?]
%%
New Opcode: CFP     Change and Forget Password
%%
New Opcode: CFS     Corrupt file structure
%%
New Opcode: CH      Create Havoc
%%
New Opcode: CHAPMR  CHAse Pointers around Machine Room
%%
New Opcode: CHSE    Compare Half-words and Swap if Equal.
%%
New Opcode: CIB     Change Important Byte
%%
New Opcode: CIMM    Create Imaginary Memory Map
%%
New Opcode: CIZ     Clear If Zero.
%%
New Opcode: CM      Circulate Memory
%%
New Opcode: CM      Confuse Memory
%%
New Opcode: CMD     CPU Melt Down
%%
New Opcode: CMD     Compare Meaningless Data
%%
New Opcode: CML     Compute Meaning of Life (72)
%%
New Opcode: CMP     Create Memory Prosthesis
%%
New Opcode: CMS     Click MicroSwitch
%%
New Opcode: CN      Compare Nonsensically
%%
New Opcode: CNB     Cause Nervous Breakdown
%%
New Opcode: CNS     Call Nonexistent Subroutine
%%
New Opcode: COLB    Crash for Operator's Lunch Break
%%
New Opcode: COM     Clear Operator's Mind.
%%
New Opcode: COMF    COMe From
%%
New Opcode: CON     Call Operator Now
%%
New Opcode: COS     Copy Object Code to Source File
%%
New Opcode: COWHU   Come Out With your Hands Up
%%
New Opcode: CP      Compliment programmer
%%
New Opcode: CP%FKM  CPU - Flakeout mode
%%
New Opcode: CP%WM   CPU - Weird Mode
%%
New Opcode: CPB     Create Program Bug
%%
New Opcode: CPN     Call Programmer Names
%%
New Opcode: CPR     Compliment PRogrammer('Aren't you cute!')
%%
New Opcode: CRASH   Continue Running after Stop or Halt
%%
New Opcode: CRM     Clear Random Memory
%%
New Opcode: CRM     Create Memory
%%
New Opcode: CRN     Compare with Random Number
%%
New Opcode: CRN     Convert to Roman Numerals
%%
New Opcode: CRYPT   reCuRsive encrYPt Tape mnemonic [UNIX]
%%
New Opcode: CS      Crash System
%%
New Opcode: CSL     Curse and Swear Loudly
%%
New Opcode: CSN     Call Supervisor Names
%%
New Opcode: CSNIO   Crash System on Next I/O
%%
New Opcode: CSS     Crash Subsidiary Systems
%%
New Opcode: CSU     Call Self Unconditional [ultimate recursive programming]
%%
New Opcode: CTDMR   Change Tape Density, Mid Record
%%
New Opcode: CUC     Cheat Until Caught
%%
New Opcode: CVFL    Convert Floating to Logical
%%
New Opcode: CVFP    ConVert FORTRAN to PASCAL
%%
New Opcode: CVG     ConVert to Garbage
%%
New Opcode: CWAH    Create Woman And Hold
%%
New Opcode: CWB     Carry With Borrow
%%
New Opcode: CWDC    Cut Wires and Drop Cores
%%
New Opcode: CWG     Chase Wild Goose
%%
New Opcode: DA      Develop Amnesia
%%
New Opcode: DAC     Divide and Conquer.
%%
New Opcode: DAUF    Delete All Useless Files[you trust a computer THAT far?]
%%
New Opcode: DB      Drop Bits
%%
New Opcode: DBL     Desegregate Bus Lines
%%
New Opcode: DBR     Debase Register
%%
New Opcode: DBZ     Divide By Zero
%%
New Opcode: DC      Degauss core
%%
New Opcode: DCAD    Dump Core And Die
%%
New Opcode: DCD     Drop Cards Double
%%
New Opcode: DCGC    Dump Confusing Garbage to Console
%%
New Opcode: DCI     Disk Crash Immediate
%%
New Opcode: DCON    Disable CONsole
%%
New Opcode: DCR     Double precision CRash
%%
New Opcode: DCT     Drop Cards Triple
%%
New Opcode: DCWPDGD Drink Coffee, Write Program, Debug, Get Drunk
%%
New Opcode: DD      Destroy Disk
%%
New Opcode: DD      Drop Disk
%%
New Opcode: DDC     Dally During Calculations
%%
New Opcode: DDOA    Drop Dead On Answer
%%
New Opcode: DDS     Delaminate Disk Surface
%%
New Opcode: DDWB    Deposit Directly in Wastepaper Basket
%%
New Opcode: DEB     Disk Eject Both
%%
New Opcode: DEC     Decompile Executable Code
%%
New Opcode: DEI     Disk Eject Immediate
%%
New Opcode: DEM     Disk Eject Memory
%%
New Opcode: DES     Disk Eject Swapped
%%
New Opcode: DHTPL   Disk Head Three Point Landing
%%
New Opcode: DIA     Develop Ineffective Address
%%
New Opcode: DIIL    Disable Interrupts and enter Infinite Loop
%%
New Opcode: DIRFW   Do It Right For Once
%%
New Opcode: DISC    DISmount CPU
%%
New Opcode: DK      Destroy Klingons
%%
New Opcode: DK%WMM  Disk Unit - Washing Machine Mode
%%
New Opcode: DKP     Disavow Knowledge of Programmer
%%
New Opcode: DLN     Don't Look Now...
%%
New Opcode: DLP     Drain Literal Pool
%%
New Opcode: DMPE    Decide to Major in Physical Education
%%
New Opcode: DMPK    Destroy Memory Protect Key
%%
New Opcode: DMZ     Divide Memory by Zero
%%
New Opcode: DO      Divide and Overflow
%%
New Opcode: DOC     Drive Operator Crazy
%%
New Opcode: DPC     Decrement program counter
%%
New Opcode: DPMI    Declare Programmer Mentally Incompetent
%%
New Opcode: DPN     Double Precision No-op (Bobby Baum)
%%
New Opcode: DPR     Destroy Program
%%
New Opcode: DPR     Distribute Packages Randomly
%%
New Opcode: DPS     Disable Power Supply
%%
New Opcode: DR      Detach Root
%%
New Opcode: DRAF    DRAw Flowchart
%%
New Opcode: DRD     Drop Dead (crashes everything)
%%
New Opcode: DRI     Disable Random Interrupt
%%
New Opcode: DRT     Disconnect Random Terminal
%%
New Opcode: DS      Deadlock System
%%
New Opcode: DSI     Do Something Interesting
%%
New Opcode: DSO     Disable System Operator
%%
New Opcode: DSPK    Destroy Storage Protect Key
%%
New Opcode: DSR     Detonate Status register
%%
New Opcode: DSTD    Do Something Totally Different
%%
New Opcode: DSUIT   Do Something Utterly, Indescribably Terrible
%%
New Opcode: DT%FFP  DecTape - Unload and Flappa-Flap
%%
New Opcode: DT%SHO  DecTape - Spin Hubs Opposite
%%
New Opcode: DTB     Destructively Test Bit
%%
New Opcode: DTC     Destroy This Command
%%
New Opcode: DTI     Do The Impossible
%%
New Opcode: DTRT    Do The Right Thing
%%
New Opcode: DTVFL   Destroy Third Variable From Left
%%
New Opcode: DU      Dump User
%%
New Opcode: DUD     Do Until Dead
%%
New Opcode: DW      Destroy Work
%%
New Opcode: DW      Destroy World
%%
New Opcode: DWIM    Do What I Mean
%%
New Opcode: EAC     Emulate Acoustic Coupler
%%
New Opcode: EBB     Empty Bit Bucket
%%
New Opcode: EBR     Erase Before Reading
%%
New Opcode: EBRS    Emit burnt resistor smell
%%
New Opcode: EC      Eject Carriage
%%
New Opcode: ECL     Early Care Lace
%%
New Opcode: ECO     Electrocute Computer Operator
%%
New Opcode: ECP     Erase Card Punch
%%
New Opcode: ED      Eject Disk
%%
New Opcode: ED      Execute Data (verrrry useful)
%%
New Opcode: ED      Expunge Data [UNIX]
%%
New Opcode: EDD     Eat Disk and Die
%%
New Opcode: EDIT    Erase Data and Increment Time
%%
New Opcode: EDP     Emulate Debugged Program
%%
New Opcode: EDS     Execute Data Segment
%%
New Opcode: EEP     Erase Entire Program
%%
New Opcode: EFB     Emulate Five-volt Battery (Rob Frye)
%%
New Opcode: EFD     Eject Floppy Disk
%%
New Opcode: EFE     Emulate Fatal Error
%%
New Opcode: EHC     Emulate Headless Chicken
%%
New Opcode: EIAO    Execute In Any Order
%%
New Opcode: EIO     Erase I/O page
%%
New Opcode: ELP     Enter Loop Permanently
%%
New Opcode: EM      Evacuate Memory
%%
New Opcode: EMM     Emulate More Memory
%%
New Opcode: EMSL    Entire Memory Shift Left
%%
New Opcode: EMT     Electrocute Maintenance Technician
%%
New Opcode: ENF     Emit Noxious Fumes
%%
New Opcode: ENO     Emulate No-Op
%%
New Opcode: EO      Electrocute Operator
%%
New Opcode: EOI     Execute Operator Immediate[fast vers. of another opcode]
%%
New Opcode: EOP     Execute Operator
%%
New Opcode: EP      Execute Programmer
%%
New Opcode: EPI     Execute Programmer Immediately
%%
New Opcode: EPL     Emulate Phone Line
%%
New Opcode: EPP     Eject printer paper
%%
New Opcode: EPS     Electrostatic Print and Smear
%%
New Opcode: EPS     Execute Program Sideways
%%
New Opcode: EPT     Erase Process Table
%%
New Opcode: EPT     Erase Punched Tape
%%
New Opcode: ERIC    Eject Random Integrated Circuit
%%
New Opcode: EROS    Erase Read Only Storage
%%
New Opcode: ESB     Eject Selectric Ball [from IBM typewriter terminals]
%%
New Opcode: ESC     Emulate System Crash (Bobby Baum)
%%
New Opcode: ESD     Eject Spinning Disk
%%
New Opcode: ESL     Exceed Speed of Light
%%
New Opcode: ETI     Execute This Instruction [for recursive programs]
%%
New Opcode: ETM     Emulate Trinary Machine
%%
New Opcode: EVC     Execute Verbal Commands
%%
New Opcode: EWD     Execute Warp Drive
%%
New Opcode: EXI     Execute Invalid Operation
%%
New Opcode: EXO     Execute Ignorant Operator
%%
New Opcode: EXX     [A real inst. on the Zilog Z-80,Zilog is owned by EXXon]
%%
New Opcode: FB      Find Bugs
%%
New Opcode: FCJ     Feed Card and Jam
%%
New Opcode: FD      Forget Data
%%
New Opcode: FDR     Fill Disk Randomly
%%
New Opcode: FERA    Forms Eject and Run Away
%%
New Opcode: FLI     Flash Lights Impressively
%%
New Opcode: FM      Forget Memory
%%
New Opcode: FMP     Finish My Program
%%
New Opcode: FPC     Feed Paper Continuously
%%
New Opcode: FRG     Fill with Random Garbage
%%
New Opcode: FSM     Fold, Spindle and Mutilate
%%
New Opcode: FSRA    Forms Skip and Run Away
%%
New Opcode: GBB     Go to Back of Bus
%%
New Opcode: GCAR    Get Correct Answer Regardless
%%
New Opcode: GDP     Grin Defiantly at Programmer
%%
New Opcode: GDR     Grab Degree and Run
%%
New Opcode: GENT    GENerate Thesis
%%
New Opcode: GEW{JO} Go to the End of the World {Jump Off}
%%
New Opcode: GIE     Generate Irreversible Error
%%
New Opcode: GMC     Generate Machine Check
%%
New Opcode: GMCC    Generate Machine Check and Cash
%%
New Opcode: GND     Guess at Next Digit
%%
New Opcode: GORS    GO Real Slow
%%
New Opcode: GREM    Generate Random Error Message
%%
New Opcode: GREP    Global Ruin, Expiration and Purgation [UNIX]
%%
New Opcode: GRMC    Generate Rubber Machine Check
%%
New Opcode: GS      Get Strange [randomly inverts bits being fed
                   to inst. decoder]
%%
New Opcode: GSB     Gulp and Store Bytes
%%
New Opcode: GSI     Generate Spurious Interrupts
%%
New Opcode: GSU     Geometric Shift Up
%%
New Opcode: GTJ     Go To Jail (do not pass 00000, do not set flags)
%%
New Opcode: HAH     Halt And Hang
%%
New Opcode: HCF     Halt and Catch Fire
%%
New Opcode: HCP     Hide Central Processor [makes virtual CPU's
                   act like virtual memories]
%%
New Opcode: HCRS    Hang in Critical Section
%%
New Opcode: HDO     Halt and Disable Operator
%%
New Opcode: HDRW    Halt and Display Random Word
%%
New Opcode: HELP    Type 'No help available'
%%
New Opcode: HF      Hide a File
%%
New Opcode: HGD     Halt, Get Drunk
%%
New Opcode: HHB     Halt and Hang Bus
%%
New Opcode: HIS     Halt in Impossible State
%%
New Opcode: HOO     Hide Operator's Output
%%
New Opcode: HSC     Halt on System Crash
%%
New Opcode: HSJ     Halt, Skip, and Jump
%%
New Opcode: HUAL    Halt Until After Lunch
%%
New Opcode: HUP     Hang Up Phone
%%
New Opcode: IAND    Illogical And
%%
New Opcode: IBR     Insert Bugs at Random
%%
New Opcode: ICB     Interrupt, crash and burn
%%
New Opcode: ICM     Immerse Central Memory
%%
New Opcode: ICMD    Initiate Core Melt-down
%%
New Opcode: ICSP    Invert CRT Screen Picture
%%
New Opcode: IDC     Initiate Destruct Command
%%
New Opcode: IDI     Invoke Divine Intervention
%%
New Opcode: IF      Invoke Force
%%
New Opcode: IGI     Increment Grade Immediately
%%
New Opcode: IGIT    Increment Grade Immediately Twice
%%
New Opcode: II      Inquire and Ignore
%%
New Opcode: IIB     Ignore Inquiry and Branch
%%
New Opcode: IIC     Insert Invisible Characters
%%
New Opcode: IIL     Irreversable Infinite Loop
%%
New Opcode: IM      Imagine Memory
%%
New Opcode: IMBP    Insert Mistake and Blame Programmer
%%
New Opcode: IMPG    IMPress Girlfriend
%%
New Opcode: IMV     IMpress Visitors
%%
New Opcode: INCAM   INCrement Arbitrary Memory location
%%
New Opcode: INOP    Indirect No-op
%%
New Opcode: IOP     Interrupt processor, Order Pizza
%%
New Opcode: IOR     Illogical OR
%%
New Opcode: IP      Increment and Pray
%%
New Opcode: IPM     Ignore Programmer's Mistakes
%%
New Opcode: IPS     Incinerate Power Supply
%%
New Opcode: IPS     Increment Processor Status
%%
New Opcode: IPT     Ignite Paper Tape
%%
New Opcode: IRB     Invert Record and Branch
%%
New Opcode: IRBI    Insert Random Bits Indexed
%%
New Opcode: IRC     Insert Random Commands
%%
New Opcode: IRE     Insert Random Errors
%%
New Opcode: IRPF    Infinite Recursive Page Fault
%%
New Opcode: ISC     Ignore Supervisor Calls
%%
New Opcode: ISC     Ignore System Crash
%%
New Opcode: ISC     Insert Sarcastic Comments
%%
New Opcode: ISI     Increment and Skip on Infinity
%%
New Opcode: ISP     Increment and Skip on Pi
%%
New Opcode: ISTK    Invert Stack
%%
New Opcode: ITML    Initiate Termites into Macro Library
%%
New Opcode: IU      Ignore User
%%
New Opcode: JAA     Jump Almost Always
%%
New Opcode: JBS     Jump and Blow Stack
%%
New Opcode: JFFZ    Jump if Find First Zero.
%%
New Opcode: JFM     Jump on Full Moon
%%
New Opcode: JHRB    Jump to H&R Block
%%
New Opcode: JMAT    JuMp on Alternate Thursdays
%%
New Opcode: JN      Jump to Nowhere
%%
New Opcode: JNL     Jump when programmer is Not Looking
%%
New Opcode: JOM     Jump Over Moon
%%
New Opcode: JOP     Jump on OPerator
%%
New Opcode: JPA     Jump when Pizza Arrives
%%
New Opcode: JRAN    Jump RANdom [not to be confused with IRAN - Idiots
                   RANdom]
%%
New Opcode: JRCF    Jump Relative and Catch Fire
%%
New Opcode: JRGA    Jump Relative and Get Arrested
%%
New Opcode: JRSR    Jump to Random Subroutine
%%
New Opcode: JSC     Jump on System Crash
%%
New Opcode: JSU     Jump Self Unconditional [the ultimate in
                   iterative programming]
%%
New Opcode: JT      Jump if Tuesday
%%
New Opcode: JTT     Jump and Tangle Tape
%%
New Opcode: JTZ     Jump to Twilight Zone
%%
New Opcode: JWN     Jump When Necessary
%%
New Opcode: KP      Krunch Paper
%%
New Opcode: KSR     Keyboard Shift Right
%%
New Opcode: KUD     Kill User's data
%%
New Opcode: LAC     Lose All Communication
%%
New Opcode: LAGW    Load And Go Wrong
%%
New Opcode: LAP     Laugh At Program(mer)
%%
New Opcode: LCC     Load and Clear Core
%%
New Opcode: LCD     Load and Clear Disk
%%
New Opcode: LCK     Lock Console Keyswitch
%%
New Opcode: LEB     Link Edit Backwards
%%
New Opcode: LIA     Load Ineffective Address
%%
New Opcode: LMB     Lose Message and Branch
%%
New Opcode: LMO     Load and Mug Operator
%%
New Opcode: LMYB    Logical MaYBe
%%
New Opcode: LN      Lose inode Number [UNIX]
%%
New Opcode: LOSM    Log Off System Manager
%%
New Opcode: LP%PAS  Line Printer - Print And Smear
%%
New Opcode: LP%RDD  Line Printer - Reverse Drum Direction
%%
New Opcode: LP%TCR  Line Printer - Tangle and Chew Ribbon
%%
New Opcode: LPA     Lead Programmer Astray
%%
New Opcode: LPRTC   Load Program Counter from Real-time Clock
%%
New Opcode: LRA     Load RetroActively
%%
New Opcode: LRD     Load Random Data
%%
New Opcode: LSBL    Lose Super BLock [UNIX only]
%%
New Opcode: LWM     Load Write-only Memory
%%
New Opcode: MAB     Melt Address Bus
%%
New Opcode: MAN     Make Animal Noises
%%
New Opcode: MAZ     Multiply Answer by Zero
%%
New Opcode: MBC     Make Batch Confetti
%%
New Opcode: MBH     Memory Bank Hold-up
%%
New Opcode: MBTD    Mount Beatles on Tape Drive
%%
New Opcode: MBTOL   Move Bugs to Operator's Lunch
%%
New Opcode: MC      Move Continuous
%%
New Opcode: MD      Move Devious
%%
New Opcode: MDB     Move and Drop Bits
%%
New Opcode: MDC     Make Disk Crash
%%
New Opcode: MDDHAF  Make Disk Drive Hop Across Floor
%%
New Opcode: MFO     Mount female operator
%%
New Opcode: MLP     Make Lousy Program
%%
New Opcode: MLP     Multiply and Lose Precision
%%
New Opcode: MLR     Move and Lose Record
%%
New Opcode: MLSB    Memory Left Shift and Branch
%%
New Opcode: MMLG    Make Me Look Good
%%
New Opcode: MNI     Misread Next Instruction
%%
New Opcode: MOG     Make Operator Growl
%%
New Opcode: MOP     Modify Operator's Personality
%%
New Opcode: MOU     MOunt User [causes computer to screw you once again]
%%
New Opcode: MPLP    Make Pretty Light Pattern
%%
New Opcode: MRZ     Make Random Zap
%%
New Opcode: MSGD    Make Screen Go Dim
%%
New Opcode: MSIP    Make Sure Plugged In
%%
New Opcode: MSR     Melt Special Register
%%
New Opcode: MT%HRDV MagTape - High speed Rewind and Drop Vacuum
%%
New Opcode: MTI     Make Tape Invalid
%%
New Opcode: MW      Malfunction Whatever
%%
New Opcode: MW      Multiply Work
%%
New Opcode: MWC     Move and Wrap Core
%%
New Opcode: MWT     Malfunction Without Telling
%%
New Opcode: NPC     Normalize Program Counter
%%
New Opcode: NTGH    Not Tonight, I've Got a Headache
%%
New Opcode: OCF     Open Circular File
%%
New Opcode: OML     Obey Murphy's Law
%%
New Opcode: OPP     Order Pizza for Programmer
%%
New Opcode: OSI     Overflow Stack Indefinitely
%%
New Opcode: OTL     Out To Lunch
%%
New Opcode: PAS     Print And Smear
%%
New Opcode: PAUD    PAUse Dramatically
%%
New Opcode: PAZ     Pack Alpha Zone
%%
New Opcode: PAZ     Pack Alpha and Drop Zones (for you IBMers)
%%
New Opcode: PBC     Print and Break Chain
%%
New Opcode: PBM     Pop bubble memory
%%
New Opcode: PBN     Play Beethoven's Ninth.
%%
New Opcode: PBPBPBP Place Backup in Plain Brown Paper Bag, Please
                   [for stealing code]
%%
New Opcode: PBST    Play Batch mode Star Trek
%%
New Opcode: PCI     Pleat Cards Immediate
%%
New Opcode: PCR     Print and Cut Ribbon
%%
New Opcode: PD      Punch Disk
%%
New Opcode: PDLD    Power Down and Lock Door (to computer room)
%%
New Opcode: PEHC    Punch Extra Holes in Cards
%%
New Opcode: PFE     Print Floating Eye [Roguers look out!]
%%
New Opcode: PFML    Print Four Million Lines
%%
New Opcode: PI      Punch Invalid
%%
New Opcode: PIBM    Pretend to be an IBM
%%
New Opcode: PIC     Print Illegible Characters
%%
New Opcode: PNRP    Print Nasty Replies to Programmer
%%
New Opcode: PO      Punch Operator
%%
New Opcode: POPN    Punch OPerator's Nose
%%
New Opcode: PPA     Print Paper Airplanes
%%
New Opcode: PPP     Print Programmer's Picture
%%
New Opcode: PPR     Play Punk Rock
%%
New Opcode: PPSW    Pack Program Status Word
%%
New Opcode: PSP     Print and Shred Paper
%%
New Opcode: PSR     Print and Shred Ribbon
%%
New Opcode: PTP     Produce Toilet Paper
%%
New Opcode: PWS     Create Power Surge
%%
New Opcode: QWA     Quit While Ahead
%%
New Opcode: RA      Randomize Answer
%%
New Opcode: RAM     Read Ambiguous Memory
%%
New Opcode: RAM     Reorganize and Abort Monitor
%%
New Opcode: RAN     Random Opcode [similar to a 16-bit what gate]
%%
New Opcode: RASC    Read And Shred Card
%%
New Opcode: RAU     Ridicule All Users
%%
New Opcode: RBG     Random Bug Generate
%%
New Opcode: RBLY    Restore Backup from Last Year
%%
New Opcode: RBT     Read Blank Tape
%%
New Opcode: RBT     Rewind and Break Tape
%%
New Opcode: RC      Rewind Core
%%
New Opcode: RCAJ    Read Card And Jam
%%
New Opcode: RCB     Read Commands Backwards
%%
New Opcode: RCB     Run Clock Backwards
%%
New Opcode: RCC     Read Card and Chew
%%
New Opcode: RCF     Rewind Cabinet Fans
%%
New Opcode: RCKG    Read Count Key and Garbage
%%
New Opcode: RCL     Rotate carry left
%%
New Opcode: RCR     Rewind Card Reader
%%
New Opcode: RCRV    Randomly convert to reverse video
%%
New Opcode: RCSD    Read Card and Scramble Data
%%
New Opcode: RDA     Refuse to Disclose Answer
%%
New Opcode: RDD     Reverse Disk Drive
%%
New Opcode: RDF     Randomize directory filenames
%%
New Opcode: RDI     Reverse Disk Immediate
%%
New Opcode: RDR     Reverse disk rotation (Read data in reverse)
%%
New Opcode: REF     REad Fingerprints
%%
New Opcode: REG     REcord Garbadge
%%
New Opcode: RENVR   Rename Variables Randomly
%%
New Opcode: RET     Read and Erase Tape
%%
New Opcode: RH0     Randomize and Halt if not equal to 0
%%
New Opcode: RIC     Rotate Illogical thru Carry
%%
New Opcode: RID     Read Invalid Data
%%
New Opcode: RIR     Read Invalid Record
%%
New Opcode: RIRG    Read Inter-Record Gap
%%
New Opcode: RIRG    Rewrite Inter-Record Gap [random replacement of
                   similar mnemonic]
%%
New Opcode: RLC     Re-read last card
%%
New Opcode: RLC     Relocate and Lose Core
%%
New Opcode: RLI     Rotate Left Indefinitely
%%
New Opcode: RLP     Refill Light Pen
%%
New Opcode: RLP     Rewind Line Printer
%%
New Opcode: RM      Ruin My files [UNIX]
%%
New Opcode: RMI     Randomize Memory Immediate
%%
New Opcode: RMT     Remove Trap
%%
New Opcode: RMV     Remove Memory Virtues
%%
New Opcode: RNBS    Reflect Next Bus Signal
%%
New Opcode: RNR     Read Noise Record
%%
New Opcode: ROD     ROtate Diagonally
%%
New Opcode: ROM     Read Operator's Mind
%%
New Opcode: ROOP    Run Out Of Paper
%%
New Opcode: ROPF    Read Other People's Files
%%
New Opcode: ROS     Reject Op System
%%
New Opcode: ROT     Rotate Disk [fixes broken drives]
%%
New Opcode: RP      Read Printer
%%
New Opcode: RPB     Raise Parity Bits
%%
New Opcode: RPBR    Reverse Parity and BRanch
%%
New Opcode: RPC     Rotate Program Counter
%%
New Opcode: RPM     Read Programmer's Mind (don't I wish this existed
                   sometimes!!)
%%
New Opcode: RPU     Read character and Print Upside down
%%
New Opcode: RRB     Read Record and Blush
%%
New Opcode: RRC     Rotate Random thru Carry
%%
New Opcode: RRR     Read Record and Run away
%%
New Opcode: RRRL    Random Rotate Register Left
%%
New Opcode: RRSG    Round and Round She Goes...
%%
New Opcode: RRT     Rewind and Rip Tape
%%
New Opcode: RSD     Read and Scramble Data
%%
New Opcode: RST     Rewind and Stretch Tape
%%
New Opcode: RT      Reverse Throughput
%%
New Opcode: RTS     Return To Sender
%%
New Opcode: RWD     Rewind Disk
%%
New Opcode: RWF     Read Wrong File
%%
New Opcode: SAD     Seek And Destroy
%%
New Opcode: SAI     Skip All Instructions
%%
New Opcode: SAS     Sit And Spin
%%
New Opcode: SC      Scramble Channels
%%
New Opcode: SC      Shred Cards
%%
New Opcode: SCB     Spindle Card and Belch
%%
New Opcode: SCD     Shuffle and Cut DEC
%%
New Opcode: SCH     Slit Cards Horizontal
%%
New Opcode: SCI     Shred Cards Immediate
%%
New Opcode: SCM     Set for Crash Mode
%%
New Opcode: SCOM    Set Cobol-Only Mode
%%
New Opcode: SCRRC   SCRamble Register Contents
%%
New Opcode: SCST    Switch Channel to Star Trek
%%
New Opcode: SCTR    Stick Card To Reader
%%
New Opcode: SD      Scramble Directory
%%
New Opcode: SD      Slip Disk
%%
New Opcode: SDD     Seek and Destroy Data
%%
New Opcode: SDDB    Snap Disk Drive Belt
%%
New Opcode: SDE     Solve Differential Equations
%%
New Opcode: SDI     Self Destruct Immediately
%%
New Opcode: SDM     Search and Destroy Memory
%%
New Opcode: SDS     Spool disk to console
%%
New Opcode: SEB     Stop Eating and Burp
%%
New Opcode: SEOB    Set Every Other Bit
%%
New Opcode: SETS    Set to Self.
%%
New Opcode: SFH     Set Flags to Half mast
%%
New Opcode: SFLT    Solve Fermat's Last Theorem.
%%
New Opcode: SFT     Stall For Time
%%
New Opcode: SHB     Stop and Hang Bus
%%
New Opcode: SHCD    SHuffle Card Deck
%%
New Opcode: SHIT    Stop here if Thursday
%%
New Opcode: SHON    Simulate HONeywell CPU [permanent NO-OP]
%%
New Opcode: SHRT    SHRed Tape
%%
New Opcode: SID     Switch to Infinite Density
%%
New Opcode: SLP     Sharpen Light Pen
%%
New Opcode: SMS     Shred Mylar Surface
%%
New Opcode: SMT     Stretch MagTape
%%
New Opcode: SNARF   System Normalize and Reset Flags
%%
New Opcode: SNM     Show No Mercy
%%
New Opcode: SOAWP   SOlve All the World's Problems
%%
New Opcode: SOB     [a real PDP-11 instruction]
%%
New Opcode: SOD     Surrender Or Die!
%%
New Opcode: SOP     Stop and Order Pizza
%%
New Opcode: SOS     Sign Off, Stupid
%%
New Opcode: SP      Scatter Print
%%
New Opcode: SPA     Sliding Point Arithmetic
%%
New Opcode: SPC     Staple and Punch new Center hole
%%
New Opcode: SPO     Skip if Power Off.
%%
New Opcode: SPS     Short power supply
%%
New Opcode: SPSW    Scramble Processor Status Word
%%
New Opcode: SRBO    Set Random Bits to Ones
%%
New Opcode: SRBZ    Set Random Bits to Zeroes
%%
New Opcode: SRC     Select Reader and Chew cards
%%
New Opcode: SRC     Skip to Random Channel
%%
New Opcode: SRD     Switch to Random Density
%%
New Opcode: SRDR    Shift Right, Double Ridiculous
%%
New Opcode: SRO     Sort with Random Ordering
%%
New Opcode: SROS    Store in Read Only Storage
%%
New Opcode: SRR     Set Registers to Random values [usually used prior
                   to a RET or RTS]
%%
New Opcode: SRR     Shift Registers Random
%%
New Opcode: SRSD    Seek Record and Scratch Disk
%%
New Opcode: SRTC    Stop Real-Time Clock
%%
New Opcode: SRU     Signoff Random User
%%
New Opcode: SRZ     Subtract and Reset to Zero
%%
New Opcode: SSD     Seek and Score Disk [good for testing]
%%
New Opcode: SSJ     Select Stacker and Jam
%%
New Opcode: SSJP    Select Stacker and Jump
%%
New Opcode: SSM     Solve by Supernatural Means
%%
New Opcode: SSP     Smoke and SPark
%%
New Opcode: SST     Seek and Stretch Tape
%%
New Opcode: SST     Stop and Stretch Tape
%%
New Opcode: ST      Set and Test
%%
New Opcode: STD     Stop, Take Drugs
%%
New Opcode: STMLMD  Skip To My Lou, My Darlin'
%%
New Opcode: STO     Strangle Tape Operator
%%
New Opcode: STPR    SToP Rain
%%
New Opcode: STTHB   Set Terminal to Three Hundred Baud
%%
New Opcode: SUI     Subtract User's IQ
%%
New Opcode: SUME    Surprise Me
%%
New Opcode: SUP     Solve Unsolvable Problem
%%
New Opcode: SUR     Screw Up Royally
%%
New Opcode: SUS     Stop Until Spring
%%
New Opcode: SUS     Subract Until Senseless
%%
New Opcode: SWAR    SpaceWAR in one instruction.
%%
New Opcode: SWAT    SWAp Terminals
%%
New Opcode: SWN     SWap Nibbles
%%
New Opcode: SWOS    SWap out Operating System
%%
New Opcode: SWOS    Store in Write Only Storage
%%
New Opcode: SWS     Sort to Wrong Slots
%%
New Opcode: SWU     Select Wrong Unit
%%
New Opcode: SWZN    Skip Whether Zero or Not
%%
New Opcode: SZD     Switch to Zero Density
%%
New Opcode: TARC    Take Arithmetic Review Course
%%
New Opcode: TBFTG   Two Burgers and Fries To Go
%%
New Opcode: TCR     Transmit Colors (but avoid Red)
%%
New Opcode: TDB     Transfer and Drop Bits
%%
New Opcode: TDRB    Test and Destroy Random Bits
%%
New Opcode: TDS     Trash Data Segment
%%
New Opcode: TLNF    Teach me a Lesson I'll Never Forget
%%
New Opcode: TLO     Turn indicator Lights Off
%%
New Opcode: TN      Take a Nap
%%
New Opcode: TOAC    Turn Off Air Conditioner
%%
New Opcode: TOG     Time Out, Graduate
%%
New Opcode: TOH     Take Operator Hostage
%%
New Opcode: TOO     Turn On/Off operator
%%
New Opcode: TOP     Trap Operator
%%
New Opcode: TOS     Trash Operating System
%%
New Opcode: TPD     Triple Pack Decimal
%%
New Opcode: TPDH    Tell Programmer to Do it Him/Herself
%%
New Opcode: TPN     Turn Power oN
%%
New Opcode: TPO     Turn Power Off
%%
New Opcode: TPR     Tear PapeR
%%
New Opcode: TR      Turn into Rubbish [UNIX]
%%
New Opcode: TRA     Te Rdls Arvs [Type Ridiculous Abbreviations]
%%
New Opcode: TSH     Trap Secretary and Halt
%%
New Opcode: TSM     Trap Secretary and Mount
%%
New Opcode: TST     Trash System Tracks
%%
New Opcode: TT%CNK  TeleType - Clunk Noise
%%
New Opcode: TT%EKB  TeleType - Electrify KeyBoard
%%
New Opcode: TTA     Try, Try Again
%%
New Opcode: TTITT   Turn 2400 foot tape Into Two 1200 foot tapes
%%
New Opcode: TTL     Tap Trunk Line
%%
New Opcode: TTL     Time To Log off
%%
New Opcode: UAI     Use Alternate Instruction set
%%
New Opcode: UCB     Uncouple CPU and Branch
%%
New Opcode: UCK     Unlock Console Keyswitch
%%
New Opcode: UER     Update and Erase Record
%%
New Opcode: UFO     Unidentified Flag Operation (Bobby Baum)
%%
New Opcode: UMR     Unlock Machine Room
%%
New Opcode: UOP     Useless Operation
%%
New Opcode: UP      Understand Program(mer)
%%
New Opcode: URB     Update Resume and Branch
%%
New Opcode: UTF     Unwind Tape onto Floor
%%
New Opcode: UUBR    Use Undefined Base Register
%%
New Opcode: VAX     Violate All eXecutions
%%
New Opcode: VNO     Violate Noise Ordinance
%%
New Opcode: VPA     Vanishing Point Arithmetic
%%
New Opcode: VVM     Vaporise Virtual Memory
%%
New Opcode: WAD     Walk Away in Disgust
%%
New Opcode: WAT     WAste Time
%%
New Opcode: WC      Waste Core [UNIX]
%%
New Opcode: WCR     Write to Card Reader
%%
New Opcode: WDR     Warp disk DRive
%%
New Opcode: WGPB    Write Garbage in Process-control Block
%%
New Opcode: WHP     Wave Hands over Problem
%%
New Opcode: WI      Why Immediate
%%
New Opcode: WID     Write Invalid Data
%%
New Opcode: WNHR    Write New Hit Record
%%
New Opcode: WNR     Write Noise Record
%%
New Opcode: WPET    Write Past End of Tape
%%
New Opcode: WSE     Write Stack Everywhere
%%
New Opcode: WSWW    Work in Strange and Wondrous Ways
%%
New Opcode: WWLR    Write Wrong Length Record
%%
New Opcode: WWR     Write Wrong Record
%%
New Opcode: XIO     Execute Invalid Op code
%%
New Opcode: XKF     Execute Kermit the Frog
%%
New Opcode: XMB     Exclusive MayBe
%%
New Opcode: XOH     Execute no-Op and Hang
%%
New Opcode: XOI     Execute Operator Immediate.
%%
New Opcode: XPR     Execute Programmer
%%
New Opcode: XVF     Exchange Virtue for Fun
%%
New Opcode: ZAP     Zero and Add Packed
%%
New Opcode: ZEOW    Zero Every Other Word
%%
New Opcode: ZPI     ZaP Immediate
%%
New Operating Systems are created to solve existing problems
and create new ones.
%%
New UNIX/TS manuals available in 2F-101.
%%
New York eclipses all other cities in the spontaneous cordiality and
generosity of its inhabitants - at least, such inhabitants as I have
encountered.
               -- H. P. Lovecraft, 9/29/1922
%%
New York is a jungle, they tell you.  You could go further, and say that
New York is a jungle.  New York *is a jungle.* Beneath the columns of
the old rain forest, made of melting macadam, the mean Limpopo of
swamped Ninth Avenue bears an angry argosy of crocs and dragons, tiger
fish, noise machines, sweating rainmakers.  On the corners stand
witchdoctors and headhunters, babbling voodoo-men -- the natives, the
jungle-smart natives.  And at night, under the equatorial overgrowth and
heat-holding cloud cover, you hear the ragged parrot-hoot and
monkeysqueak of the sirens, and then fires flower to ward off monsters.
Careful: the streets are sprung with pits and nets and traps.  Hire a
guide.  Pack your snakebite gook and your blowdart serum.  Take it
seriously.  You have to get a bit jungle-wise.
               -- Martin Amis, "Money"
%%
New York is the biggest boob town in America. All any of those
hokum peddlers need to do in selling New Yorkers their phony`
goods is to ask what they want, and they'll be sure to get it.
               -- Bat Masterson
%%
New York state law makes it illegal for children to collect old cigar
butts.
%%
New York-- to that tall skyline I come
Flyin' in from London to your door
New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
Where they say you should not wander after dark.
New York.
               -- Simon and Garfunckle
%%
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead
of you.
               -- David Letterman
%%
New Yorkers like to boast that if you can survive in New York, you can survive
anywhere. But if you can survive anywhere, why live in New York?
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
New financial propositions may be offered at the turn of the year.
%%
New opinions are always suspected, and usually opposed, without any
other reason but because they are not already common.
               -- John Locke (1632-1704)
%%
New problems demand new solutions.
New solutions create new problems.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
New release: Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the
waiting time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at
this rate there will soon be a one year wait to get an abortion.
               -- "I Think Therefore I Laugh" by John Allen Paulos:
%%
New systems create new problems.
               -- Dr. John Gall
%%
New with a K in front is a Canoe.
%%
Newlywed groom:
       Honey, I have something to confess to you.  I'm a golfer.
       You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights,
       and weekends.  I'm sorry.
Newlywed bride:
       I have something even worse to confess, dear.  I'm a hooker.
Groom:
       That's no problem!  Just keep your head low and follow through...
%%
Newman's Discovery:
       Your best dreams may not come true;
       fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
%%
News always travels by the fastest available route.
               -- Major Whitey Ardmore
%%
News is that which comes from the North, East, West and South, and if it
comes from only one point on the compass, then it is a class publication
and not news.
               -- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
News stories expand and time contracts, meeting inexorably each day
twenty minutes after a man is supposed to be home for dinner.
               -- Ray O'Neil
%%
Newsbytes - Microsoft announce EDLIN for Windows.
%%
Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
print the chaff.
               -- Adlai Stevenson
%%
Newspaper headline: "Twin kills brother in botched suicide attempt."
%%
Newspaper taxis appear on the shore, waiting to take you away.
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes and she's gone.
%%
Newton realized that, according to his theory of gravity, the stars should
attract each other, so it seemed they could not remain essentially motionless.
Would they not all fall together at some point?  In a letter in 1691 to
Richard Bentley, another leading thinker of his day, Newton argued that this
would indeed happen if there were only a finite number of stars distributed
over a finite region of space.  But he reasoned that if, on the other hand,
there were an infinite number of stars, distributed more or less uniformly
over infinite space, this would not happen, because there would not be
any central point for them to fall to.

This argument is an instance of the pitfalls that you can encounter in
talking about infinity...
               -- Stephen Hawking, "A Brief History of Time"
%%
Next time I'll wear underwear.
%%
Next time when you are having dinner, keep an empty jug of water on the
table.  When somebody asks you to pass the jug, pretend while picking it
up that it is full of water and heavy. Keep the jug on the table near
the victim. The victim will apply what he/she considers is appropriate
strength needed to pick up the jug. This will cause the jug to jerk up
to a significant height. The sight is very funny and so is the victim's
face.  Must try to believe. Even the most prude of your aunts will not
mind being a victim of this joke.
%%
Next time you wave, use ALL of your fingers!!
%%
Next to surviving an earthquake, nothing is quite so satisfying as receiving an
income tax refund
%%
Nibble - When a little bit isn't enough...
%%
Nice computers don't go down on you.
%%
Nice computers don't go down.
%%
Nice computers only go down once a day
%%
Nice going, sweetheart.
               -- Joe Patroni
%%
Nice guys can look themselves in the mirror.
%%
Nice guys don't finish nice.
%%
Nice guys finish last.
               -- Leo Durocher
%%
Nice guys get sick.
%%
Nice guys really do finish first,
they just don't brag about it.
%%
Nice guys win.
%%
Nice jail. Looks strong.
               -- H. Houdini
%%
Nice try, but that is an old worn-out magic word.
%%
Nice weather we've been having lately.
%%
Nick the Greek's Law of Life: All things considered, life is 9 to
   5 against.
%%
Nietzsche is pietzsche
%%
Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
%%
Night falls when the street lights turn on.  Swedish Law.
%%
Nil taurus excretum.  No El Toro Poopoo either!
%%
Nimrod
%%
Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
%%
Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman:
       1) Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat
               so the lid won't stay up.
       2) Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
       3) Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
       4) Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
       5) Tacos will never contest a divorce,
               demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
       6) Tacos won't ask you about your last lover,
               or speculate about your next one.
       7) A taco will never make a scene because
               there are other tacos in the refrigerator.
       8) It's easy to drop a taco.
       9) Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
%%
Nine times out of ten the man who listens to reason is thinking of some
way to refute it.
%%
Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life,
there is actually no truth to be discovered;
there is only error to be exposed.
               -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956), "Prejudices, Third Series", 1922
%%
Ninety percent of any business transaction is selling yourself to the client.
               -- X. Hollander
%%
Ninety-nine percent of all forms of life that have ever existed on earth are
now extinct.
%%
Nitpicking:  Not just a hobby, it's a way of life!
%%
Nitrate - cheapest price for calling long distance.
%%
Nitrate: Lower than the day rate.
%%
Nitwit ideas are for emergencies.  You use them when you've got nothing else
to try.  If they work, they go in the Book.  Otherwise you follow the Book,
which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
               -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
%%
Niven's Law:  Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable
from technology.
%%
Nixon did it to us, but we did it to him.
%%
Nixon's Theorem:
       The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone
       he can blame it on.
%%
No Canadian coins.
%%
No Negro American can be free until the lowliest Negro in Mississippi is
no longer disadvantaged because of his race.
               -- Ralph Bunche
%%
No Shell escape from "games".
%%
No T.V. for me tonight!
%%
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
               -- Aesop (620-560 B.C.)
%%
No action is without side effects.
               -- Barry Commoner
%%
No alcohol, dogs, or horses.
%%
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
%%
No amount of experimentation can ever prove me right; a single
experiment can prove me wrong.
               -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
%%
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
               -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.
%%
No amount of misfortune will satisfy the man who is not satisfied with
reading a hundred epigrams.
               -- Martial
%%
No anchovies, please.
%%
No argument can be drawn from the abuse of a thing against its use.
%%
No arms for the Venus de Milo.
%%
No atheist, as such, can be a true friend, an affectionate relation, or
a loyal subject.
               -- Dr. Bentley
%%
No ball game is ever much good unless the people involved hate each
other.
               -- Avery
%%
No bills over $20 accepted.
%%
No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
               -- William H. Blake (1757-1827)
%%
No blame. He meets him without passing by.
Going brings danger. One must be on guard.
Do not act. Be constantly persevering.
%%
No boasting of wealth before one's neighbor.
It is favorable to attack with force.
Nothing that would not further.
%%
No books are lost by lending except those you particularly want to keep.
               -- Alan Atwood
%%
No bounds his headlong, vast ambition knows.
               -- Rowe
%%
No brain, no pain.
%%
No cause is helpless if it is just.  Errors, no matter how popular,
carry the seeds of their own destruction.
               -- John W. Scoville
%%
No character, however upright,
is a match for constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
               -- Alexander Hamilton
%%
No civilized person ever goes to bed the same day he gets up.
%%
No class of Americans, so far as I know, has ever objected ... to any
amount of governmental meddling if it appeared to benefit that
particular class.
               -- Carl Becker
%%
No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
effectively under such difficult conditions.
               -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%%
No company is far preferable to bad, because we are more apt to catch
the vices of others than virtues, as disease is far more courageous than
health.
               -- Colton
%%
No cord or cable can draw so forcible, or bind so fast, as love can do
with a single thread.
               -- Burton
%%
No creo en Dios, pero le tengo miedo.
(I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of Him.)
               -- Gabriel Garcia Marquez,
                  "El Amor en los Tiempos de Colera", 1985
%%
No cry.
In the end misfortune comes.
%%
No directory.
%%
No discipline is ever requisite to force
attendance upon lectures which are really worth the attending.
               -- Adam Smith (1723-1790), "The Wealth of Nations"
%%
No dog will knock a vase over unless it has water in it.
%%
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was
human nature.
%%
No doubt you have a bottle of moonbeams as well.
%%
No ear can hear nor tongue tell the tortures of the inward hell!
               -- Lord Byron
%%
No enemy is so terrible as a man of genius.
               -- Benjamin Disraeli
%%
No epigram contains the whole truth.
               -- C. W. Thompson
%%
No evil can happen to a good man.
               -- Plato (428-348? B.C.)
%%
No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
               -- Aristotle
%%
No executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong.
%%
No experiment is ever a complete failure, inasmuch as a well-written
account of it can serve admirably as a bad example.
%%
No experiment is ever a complete failure.  It can always serve as a bad
example, or the exception that proves the rule (but only if it is the
first experiment in the series).
%%
No extensible language will be universal.
               -- T. Cheatham
%%
No fear, no hate, no pain, no broken hearts.
%%
No fish in the tank.
This leads to misfortune.
%%
No flames, please!  A stray solid rocket booster just drifted past
my window.
%%
No free lunch in an ecosystem.
%%
No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
               -- Landor
%%
No further information is available at this time.
%%
No future for you.
%%
No game in the field.
%%
No generalization is wholly true, not even this one.
               -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. (1841-1935)
%%
No gnus is good gnus.
%%
No guest is so welcome in a friend's house
that he will not become a nuisance after three days.
               -- Titus Maccius Plautus (254?-184 B.C.)
%%
No guts, no glory.
%%
No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
               -- Frank Lloyd Wright
%%
No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
               -- Sidney
%%
No known bugs.
%%
No line available at 300 baud.
%%
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
               -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
%%
No long descriptions.
%%
No machine can replace man until it
learns to drink!
%%
No man can be a patriot on an empty stomach.
               -- W. C. Brann (1855-1898)
%%
No man can be wise on an empty stomach.
               -- George Eliot
%%
No man can escape his wyrd.
%%
No man can possibly improve in any company for which he has not respect
enough to be under some degree of restraint.
               -- Chesterfield
%%
No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe ... every man is a peece of the
Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as a
Mannor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes
me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
               -- John Donne (1572-1631)
%%
No man is an island, but some of us are pretty good peninsulas.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
               -- Robert Morely
%%
No man is more unhappy than the one who is never in adversity; the
greatest affliction of life is never to be afflicted.
Adversity makes men, and prosperity makes monsters.
               -- Victer Hugo (1802-1885)
%%
No man is rich enough to buy back his past.
               -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
No man is so foolish but he may sometimes give another good counsel, and
no man so wise that he may not easily err if he takes no other counsel
than his own.  He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a
teacher.
               -- Ben Johnson
%%
No man is useless who has a friend, and if we are loved we are indispensable.
               -- Robert Louis Stevenson
%%
No man is wise enough to be another man's master. Each man's as good as the
next--if not a damn sight better.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
No man is worth his salt who is not ready at all times to risk his
well-being, to risk his body, to risk his life in a great cause.
               -- Theodore Roosevelt
%%
No man likes to be smoked out of his hole in February.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean,
for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
               -- Henry Brooks Adams (1838-1918), "The Education of Henry
                  Adams", 1907
%%
No man of honor, as that word is usually understood, did ever pretend
that his honor obliged him to be chaste and temperate, to pay his
creditors, to be useful to his country, or to do good to mankind, to
endeavor to be wise or learned, to regard his word, his promise, or his
oath.
               -- John Hall
%%
No man was ever so much deceived by another as by himself.
               -- Greville
%%
No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
               -- E. W. Howe
%%
No man's ambition has a right to stand in
the way of performing a simple act of justice.
               -- John Altgeld
%%
No man-made structure in all of American history has been hated so much, by so
many, for so long, with such good reason, as that Glen Canyon Dam at Page,
Arizona, Shithead Capital of Coconino County.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
No matter how clever the hardware boys are, the software boys piss it away.
%%
No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item,
after you've bought it it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
%%
No matter how many reporters share a cab, and no matter who pays, each
puts the full fare on his own expense account.
               -- Edward P. O'Doyle
%%
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered, take it,
because it'll never be quite the same again.
               -- John Cameron
%%
No matter how much money you spend, you can't make a racehorse out of a
pig.  You can, however, make an awfully fast pig.
%%
No matter how much the passengers eat, the weight of the plane stays the same.
               -- Steve Connelly
%%
No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
%%
No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-laws,
you will lose a small fortune in the exchange.
Corollary: Don't try it; you cannot drink enough of your in-laws' booze
to get even before the liver fails.
               -- Jackson Clark
%%
No matter how thin you slice it, it's still baloney.
               -- Alfred E. Smith
%%
No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
%%
No matter what result is anticipated, there is always someone willing to
fake it.
%%
No matter what the game, no matter what the rules, the same rules apply to
both sides!
               -- Hoyle's Law
%%
No matter what the product or service might be, you can always find it
somewhere else cheaper!
               -- Ebenezer Scrooge
%%
No matter what the result, there is always someone eager to misinterpret
it.
%%
No matter what they SAY, size IS important!
%%
No matter what you do, it is never enough.
%%
No matter where I go, the place is always called 'here'.
%%
No matter where I go, there I am
%%
No matter which side of an argument you're on, you always find some people
on your side that you wish were on the other side.
               -- Jascha Heifetz
%%
No matter which train you are waiting for, the wrong one comes first.
               -- J. R. Meditz
%%
No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
%%
No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
               -- Mr. Dooley
%%
No member of our generation who wasn't a Communist
or a dropout in the thirties is worth a damn.
               -- Lyndon B. Johnson, 1960
%%
No moon tonight. Beware!
%%
No morality can be founded on authority,
even if the authority were divine.
%%
No need to go to alt.stupid.drug.arguments!  There is a real group
called alt.drugs.  It is sort of interesting to read, but not really
great.  My favorite kind of posting goes like this:

  "My doctor prescribed Quaxalone to me.  Quaxalone is an
acetylesterase-agonist inhibitor with a 3-methyl-4-diethyl-6-
hexyhypotheodoxyltribenzylglutamine ring covalent bond in the 4,5,6
gloucester-mass position.

  Can anyone give me any information on the potential for
recreational use of this substance?"

  Or, better yet,

  "Over the weekend, I decided to test the therapeutic effects of
goldenrod husks, which grow in abundance in the field across from my
house.  I harvested about three bushels of the plant, and removed the
husks, yielding about five pounds of raw material. I added these to
ten gallons of boiling water and simmered them, covered, for six
hours.  After that time, I strained out the fibrous material, leaving
a black liquid which I boiled down to approximately three cups of a
heavy, tar-like substance.  To this I added one cup of brandy and one
cup of sugar.
  I drank the entire mixture in two doses, spaced about fifteen
minutes apart.  The taste was extremely bitter and unpalatable.
Approximately one half hour later, I began to have violent intestinal
cramps and uncontrollable muscular spasms, which lasted about three
hours.  Following that, I sank into a stuporous delirium which
continued for sixteen hours, followed by a period of intense headache
and lethargy.

  All in all, I would rank this trip worse than jimson weed, but
far better than Roto-root."

  To which a reply might be:

  "The active component of goldenrod husks is 12-beta-3-methyl-
headphonerase, which is an anticoagulant and convulsant.  It was
tested briefly by the army during WW2 as a potential nerve gas,
but abandoned because the effects were too unpredictable, and the
substance was considered too dangerous to handle."
%%
No objects of value are worth risking the priceless experience of waking
up just one more day.
               -- Jack Smith
%%
No obligation.  No salesman will call.
%%
No obscene fortunes today
               -- The Management
%%
No one becomes depraved in a moment.
               -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
%%
No one can enjoy freedom unless he is willing to surrender some part of
it.
%%
No one can make you feel more humble than the repairman who discovers
you've been trying to fix it yourself.
%%
No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of
change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the
gate of another, neither by argument nor by emotional appeal.
               -- Marilyn Furgeson
%%
No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
%%
No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate one and love the other,
or he will hold to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and riches.
               -- Matthew 6:24
%%
No one ever prayed heartily without learning something.
               -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
No one ever promised you a rose garden.
%%
No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American people.
               -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!!
%%
No one expects the spammish repetition   Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!
%%
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
%%
No one has skin that is exactly the same color as a Band-Aid.
%%
No one has yet programmed a computer to be of two minds about a hard
problem or to burst out laughing.
               -- Lewis Thomas
%%
No one is afraid to die without first being afraid to live.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
No one is as tired as the person who does nothing.
%%
No one is fit to be trusted with power. ... No one. ... Any man who
has lived at all knows the follies and wickedness he's capable of. ...
And if he does know it, he knows also that neither he nor any man
ought to be allowed to decide a single human fate.
               -- C. P. Snow, The Light and the Dark
%%
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
He who hesitates is probably right.
%%
No one is ugly after 2 a.m.
%%
No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of others.
%%
No one knows his own servants as badly as the master.
%%
No one knows like a woman how to say things that are at once gentle and deep.
               -- Hugo
%%
No one knows what he can do till he tries.
               -- Publilius Syrus
%%
No one looks good in yellow.
%%
No one loves the man whom he fears.
               -- Aristotle
%%
No one man can terrorize a whole nation unless we are all his
accomplices.
%%
No one need think that the world can be ruled without blood.  The civil
sword shall and must be red and bloody.
               -- Martin Luther
%%
No one needs a vacation so much as the person who has just had one.
%%
No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
               -- Quintus Ennius
%%
No one remembers learning how to use a spoon, it is something that is
learned and not taught.
%%
No one said it would be easy.
%%
No one seems to be listening.
%%
No one should be surprised that Black's Law Dictionary doesn't
list Mea Culpa.

..
%%
No one should hide their true self behind a false face.
               -- L. Chaney
%%
No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive
criticism as the one who's giving it.
               -- Hal Chadwick
%%
No one whom you ask for help will see it either.
%%
No one's getting fat except Mama Cass.
%%
No other warranty expressed or implied.
%%
No passes accepted for this engagement.
%%
No pepper games.
%%
No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
For this isn't really the norm.
But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
So what?  Any pork in a storm.

No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
Cast even more perils before swine.
%%
No plain not followed by a slope.
No going not followed by a return.
He who remains persevering in danger
Is without blame.
Do not complain about this truth;
Enjoy the good fortune you still possess.
%%
No poems can please nor live long which are written by water-drinkers.
               -- Horace (65-8 B.C.)
%%
No policy intervention in social problems produces the intended
effect--if the research is carried out by independent third parties,
especially those skeptical of the policy.
               -- James Q. Wilson
%%
No postage necessary if mailed in the United States.
%%
No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
%%
No purchase necessary.
%%
No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
%%
No race can prosper till it learns that there is as much dignity in
tilling a field as in writing a poem.
               -- Booker T. Washington
%%
No reckoning made, but sent to my account With all my imperfections on
my head.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
No relationship with what is harmful;
There is no blame in this.
If one remains conscious of difficulty,
One remains without blame.
%%
No religion can long continue to maintain its purity when the church
becomes the subservient vassal of the state.
               -- Felix Adler
%%
No riders.
%%
No rock so hard but that a little wave
May beat admission in a thousand years.
               -- Tennyson
%%
No sane being would let you light it.
%%
No science is immune to the infection of politics and the corruption of power.
               -- Jacob Bronowski, in "Encounter", 1971
%%
No self-made man ever did such a good job
that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
               -- Kim Hubbard
%%
No sense being pessimistic.  It wouldn't work anyway.
%%
No skis take rocks like rental skis!
%%
No slave is ever freed, save he freeth himself.
%%
No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose
to keep awake all day.
               -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
%%
No smoking, no spitting
               -- The Management
%%
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
%%
No solicitors.
%%
No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
Finished his old Raven,
then he started his Old Crow.
%%
No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
               -- Quintus Ennius
%%
No sooner said, the better.
%%
No spitting on the Bus!
Thank you, The Management.
%%
No state has an inherent right to survive through conscript troops and,
in the long run, no state ever has. Roman matrons used to say to their
sons: "Come back with your shield, or on it". Later on this custom
declined. So did Rome.
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined.  No Niagara
is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled.  No life ever
grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.
               -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
%%
No time for the old in-and-out; just here to read the meter.
%%
No two people perceive the same thing identically.
               -- Jack A. Marshall
%%
No two persons ever read the same book.
               -- Edmund Wilson
%%
No tyranny is so irksome as petty tyranny: the officious demands of policemen,
government clerks, and electromechanical gadgets.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
No use beating a dead horse.
%%
No use getting too involved in life--you're only here for a limited time.
%%
No user-serviceable parts inside.
%%
No wanna work... wanna bang on keyboard!
%%
No wealth in the world can help humanity forward, even in the hands of
the most devoted worker in this cause ... Can anyone imagine Moses,
Jesus, or Gandhi armed with the money-bags of Carnegie?
               -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
%%
No weapon is better than a crysknife.
%%
No woman can call herself free who does not own and control her body.
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
she will or will not be a mother.
               -- Margaret H. Sanger
%%
No woman can escape her wyrd.
%%
No woman, No cry.
%%
No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
%%
No wonder you're tired!  You understood so much today.
%%
No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
%%
No, I'm from NZ. I only work in Outer Space.
%%
No, his mind is not for rent,
But don't put him down as arrogant.
His reserve, a quiet defense
For riding out the days events ...

No, his mind is not for rent
To any god or government.
Always hopeful, yet discontent,
He knows that changes aren't permanent,
But change is.
               -- Neil Peart, Rush
%%
No, his mind is not for rent
To any god or government.
Always hopeful, yet discontent,
He knows changes aren't permanent -
But change is.
%%
No, you can't -- you don't have all the necessary ingredients.
%%
No, you don't blow, that's just a figure of speech.
%%
No, your place in life is where you want to be.
Don't let them tell you that you owe it all to me.
Keep on looking forward, no use in looking around.
Hold your head above the crowd, they want to bring you down.

Live for yourself, there's no one else more worth living for,
Begging hands and bleeding hearts will only cry out for more.

Well, I know they've told you, selfishness is wrong.
Yet it was for me, not you, that I came to write this song.

Anthem of the heart, anthem of the mind,
A funeral dirge for eyes gone blind.
We marvel after those who sought,
And wondered in the world they wrought.
               -- Neil Peart, Rush
%%
No. Not even a 55 Buick has 100% stopping power.
               -- Gary Coffman, uunet!rsiatl!ke4zv!gary
%%
No?!  Some people still read mail a packet at a time?!
%%
Nobel laureates do it in the bank.
%%
Noblehearted keeping still.
Good fortune.
%%
Noblehearted return.
No remorse.
%%
Noblesse oblige; or, superior advantages bind you to larger generosity.
               -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
Nobody believes the official spokesman ...
but everybody trusts an unidentified source.
               -- Ron Nesen, 1977
%%
Nobody but a greedy surgeon would allow you to attempt that trick.
%%
Nobody but a lawyer can tell legal from illegal, and the lawyers
can't tell right from wrong anymore.
               -- Larry Niven and Jerry E. Pournelle "Oath of Fealty"  (1981)
%%
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
%%
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
               -- Tallulah Bankhead
%%
Nobody can fix the economy Nobody can be trusted with their finger on
    the button Nobody's perfect        VOTE FOR NOBODY
%%
Nobody can read Freud without realizing that he was the scientific
equivalent of another nuisance, George Bernard Shaw.
               -- Robert Maynard Hutchins
%%
Nobody dresses a woman like Jonathan Martin.
%%
Nobody ever died badly. They got the job done, didn't they?
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Nobody ever eats at that restaurant anymore.  It's always
too crowded.
               -- Yogi Berra
%%
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
               -- Kin Hubbard
%%
Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
%%
Nobody gets justice. People get good luck or bad luck.
               -- Orson Welles
%%
Nobody has so many friends that he can afford to lose one.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Nobody is ever really ready for anything. If they were, there would be no point
in living through it.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Nobody is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart;
for his purity, by definition, is unassailable.
               -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" 1961
%%
Nobody is one block of harmony.  We are all afraid of something, or feel
limited in something.  We all need somebody to talk to.  It would be good
if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk.  We
shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
               -- Liv Ullman
%%
Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
%%
Nobody knows the words to Auld Lang Syne.
%%
Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
               -- Roy Harper
%%
Nobody likes me;  Everybody hates me.  I think I'll eat some worms.
%%
Nobody looks good in static cling.
%%
Nobody loves me,
Everybody hates me,
I think I'll go out and eat worms.
I'm gonna cut their heads off,
Eat their insides out,
And throw way the skins.
Big, fat, juicy ones,
Little, skinny, cute ones,
Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
%%
Nobody notices when things go right.
               -- M. Zimmerman
%%
Nobody perceives anything with total accuracy.
               -- Jack A. Marshall
%%
Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing.
%%
Nobody really knows what's going on anywhere within your organization.
%%
Nobody roots for goliath
%%
Nobody seems more obsessed by diet than our antimaterialist, otherworldly, New
Age, spiritual types. But if the material world is merely illusion, an honest
guru should as content with Budweiser and bratwurst as with raw carrot juice,
tofu, and seaweed slime.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Nobody shot me.
               -- Frank Gusenberg
                  [Last words, when asked by police who had shot him 14 times
                  with a machine gun in the Saint Valentine's Day massacre.]
%%
Nobody steps on a church in my town!
%%
Nobody talks more of free enterprise and competition and of the best man
winning than the man who inherited his father's store or farm.
               -- C. Wright Mills
%%
Nobody talks so constantly about God as those who insist there is no
God.
               -- Heywood Hale Broun (1888-1939)
%%
Nobody with the intelligence to understand something with four thousand
moving parts will ever become an auto mechanic.
               -- Charlie Kozak
%%
Nobody, including the Supreme court, knows what obscenity is.
               -- Norman Dorsen
%%
Nodding the head does not row the boat.
%%
Noise proves nothing.  Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as
if she had laid an asteroid.
               -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
               -- M. J. 0'Donnell
%%
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
       Negative expectations yield negative results.
       Positive expectations yield negative results.
TnT's Corollary :
       Expectations yield negative results in a binary system.
%%
Non-cooperation with evil is a much a duty as is cooperation with good.
%%
None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they
are free.
               -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
%%
None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.
%%
None but a fool is always right.
               -- Hare
%%
None but an author knows an author's cares,
Or fancy's fondness for the child she bears.
               -- William Cowper (1731-1800)
%%
None but the immortal Cthulhu may pass.
%%
None but the well-bred man knows how to confess a fault, or to restrain
himself to lust in his heart.
               -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac
%%
None can comprehend eternity but the eternal God.  Eternity is an ocean,
whereof we shall never see the shore; it is a deep where we can find no
bottom; a labyrinth from whence we cannot extricate ourselves and where
we shall ever lose the door.
               -- Boston
%%
None of them hit you!
%%
None of you exist, my sysop types all this in.
%%
None of you would help me when I baked my bread, now all of you
would help me eat it.  I can see that you are very well fed,
which indicates that you don't need it.  Enough said.
%%
Nonmaskable Interrupt (manual) (power fail) (memory error)
%%
Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
               -- E. M. Forster
%%
Nonsense is good only because common sense is so limited.
               -- George Santayana (1863-1952)
%%
Nonsense.  Space is blue and birds fly through it.
               -- Heisenberg
%%
Nonvectored interrupt
%%
Normal break register does not match u.u_break
%%
Normal is just a vicious standard society has set to inhibit the
creativity of ones self.
               -- Holzinger
%%
Normal times may possibly be over forever.
%%
Normalcy is a character assassination.
%%
Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
reason than self-protection.  We never recommend any of our graduates,
although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
their courses.
               -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
%%
Normally, I would offer to patch you up, but I'm ashamed to say my
abilities are not equal to dealing with your present condition.
Please let me express my profoundest regrets.
%%
North Dakota law makes it illegal for anyone to go to bed wearing
shoes or boots.
%%
Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Not SENSUOUS...only "FROLICSOME"...and in need of DENTAL WORK...in
PAIN!!!
%%
Not a chance.
%%
Not a day passes over this earth, but men and women of no note do great
deeds, speak great words and suffer noble sorrows.
               -- Charles Reed
%%
Not a dwarf hole with piles of dirt, gypsum, and dried snot
lying around, nor a narc hole with obscene drawings in the
vestibule and a cesspool in the middle of the living-room:
it was a boggie hole, and that means all of the above.
%%
Not a prayer.
%%
Not a single corridor on this level??
%%
Not affiliated with the American Red Cross.
%%
Not all men are fools; some are still single!
%%
Not all men who drink are poets.
Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
%%
Not all rumors are as misleading as this one.
%%
Not all the pumice of the polish'd town
Can smooth the roughness of the barnyard clown;
Rich, honor'd, titled, he betrays his race,
By this one mark -- he's awkward in his face.
               -- Holmes
%%
Not all who own a harp are harpers.
               -- Marcus Terentius Varro
%%
Not doing more than the average is what keeps the average down.
               -- William Winans
%%
Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't make you live longer--
it just seems that way.
%%
Not even a human fly could get up it.
%%
Not even a spear will hit a Xorn.
%%
Not everyone can carry the weight of the world.
%%
Not everything in life is funny.
               -- R. L. Asprin
%%
Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
%%
Not failure, but low aim, is crime.
               -- James Russell Lowell (1819-1891)
%%
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
respect.  And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
               -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
%%
Not going out of the door and the courtyard
Is without blame.
%%
Not going out of the gate and the courtyard
Brings misfortune.
%%
Not he who has much is rich, but he who gives much.
               -- Erich Fromm (1900-1980)
%%
Not her or her.  That one there ... the one with the coke in her
hand and the piece of cheese pizza.  And a butt that won't quit.
That's the one I love and want.
%%
Not implemented when you're stuck or swallowed. (Continue or Quit)
%%
Not light but darkness.
First he climbed up to heaven,
Then he plunged into the depths of the earth.
%%
Not likely.
%%
Not many people realize just how well known I am.
%%
Not now, my soap is on.
%%
Not one of us can survive in the world today, much less in what it is
about to become, without personal inspiration.
               -- Boyd K. Packer
%%
Not one penny.
               -- President George Bush, on raising the $4.25-an-hour
                  minimum wage
%%
Not only is "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" a wholly remarkable book,
it is also a highly successful one - more popular than the "Celestial Home Care
Omnibus", better selling than "Fifty-three More Things to Do in Zero Gravity",
and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical
blockbusters, "Where God Went Wrong", "Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes"
and "Who Is This God Person Anyway?"
In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the
Galaxy, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" has already supplanted the
great "Encyclopedia Galactica" as the standard repository of all knowledge
and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is
apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more
pedestrian work in two important respects.
First, it is slightly cheaper; and second, it has the words "DON'T PANIC"
inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover.
               -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
Not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more
difficult, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
               -- George Sala
%%
Not quite human any longer.
%%
Not recommended for children.
%%
Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential
damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform.
%%
Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
               -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
%%
Not the Beatles, just an incredible simulation.
%%
Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
               -- Spinoza
%%
Not to say that using a # isn't original either...
%%
Not today I have a headache...
%%
Not tonight Chekov, I have an earache
%%
Not tonight honey... I have a modem
%%
Not wearing any armor.
%%
Not-really-trying is just as much effort as trying-really-hard.
The only difference ... is that not-really-trying receives no reward.
               -- A. N. Wilson, "Incline Our Hearts", 1989
%%
Not-so-Famous People from History:

       Charon: fiery singer now playing the styx.
%%
Not-so-Famous People from History:

       Evictor Hugo:  French landlord and author, "Lease Miserables".
%%
Not-so-Famous People from History:

       Paul Reverse: Tory patriot who warned the British that the
                     Americans were coming.
%%
Not-so-Famous People from History:

       Xeroxes I:  Persian Photocopy King
%%
Note:  the words "he," "him," "his," and "men," when used
in this publication represent both the masculine and feminine
genders, unless otherwise specifically stated.
               -- U.S. Army Field manual for MOS 54E,
                  NBC Specialist, 25-Sep-1981
%%
Nothing befalls a man except what is in his nature to endure.
               -- Marcus Aurelius
%%
Nothing can be done in one trip.
               -- Snider
%%
Nothing can excel a few days in jail for giving a young man or woman a quick
education in the basis of industrial society.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Nothing can occur beyond the strength of faith to sustain, or,
transcending the resources of religion, to relieve.
               -- Binney
%%
Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a
winning candidate.
               -- Mark B. Cohen
%%
Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving
his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental
attitude.
               -- W. W. Zeige
%%
Nothing can take the place of practical experience out in the world.
%%
Nothing causes a prince to be so much esteemed as great enterprises and
giving proof of prowess.  It keeps the people's minds uncertain and
astonished and it keeps them occupied in watching the result.
%%
Nothing complicated ever works.
%%
Nothing contributes more to a person's peace of mind than having no
opinions at all.
               -- G. C. Lichtenberg
%%
Nothing could be more reckless than to base one's moral philosophy on the
latest pronouncements of science.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Nothing could be olde than the daily news, nothing deader than yesterday's
newspaper.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Nothing endures but change.
               -- Heraclitus (540?-480? B.C.)
                  [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself."
                  -- JFK Ed.]
%%
Nothing endures like change.
               -- Heraclitus (540?-480? B.C.)
%%
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a proverb is no
proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
               -- John Keats (1795-1821)
%%
Nothing ever becomes real until it is experienced.
               -- John Keats (1795-1821), Correspondence, 1819
%%
Nothing ever goes away.
               -- Barry Commoner
%%
Nothing ever happens.
%%
Nothing for preserving the body like having no heart.
               -- John Petit-Senn
%%
Nothing gives people the feeling that this is the worst of all possible
worlds like discovering that the price of a wool crepe suit has risen to
$600.
               -- Nathan Cobb
%%
Nothing improves with age.
%%
Nothing in education is so astonishing as the amount of ignorance it
accumulates in the form of inert facts.
               -- Henry Brooks Adams (1838-1918)
%%
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
%%
Nothing is 100% certain, bug free or IBM compatible.
%%
Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
       Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
               Or as finished as it seems in the end.
%%
Nothing is built on stone; all is built on sand,
but we must build as if the sand were stone.
               -- Jorge Luis Borges, 1972
%%
Nothing is but what is not.
%%
Nothing is certain except death and taxes.  Bretagna's Corollary:  If
anything else is permanent, it is the fact that, given any roadway,
somewhere upon it there will be someone going slower than you are.
               -- Nicholas Bretagna II
%%
Nothing is cheap which is superfluous, for what one does not need, is
dear for a penny.
               -- Plutarch
%%
Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more
difficult than to understand him.
               -- Fyodor Dostoyevski (1821-1881)
%%
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
               -- Fred Bucy, TI, Inc.
%%
Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
%%
Nothing is ever done beautifully which is done in rivalship,
nor nobly which is done in pride.
               -- Rushkin
%%
Nothing is ever lost by courtesy.  It is the cheapest of the pleasures;
costs nothing and conveys much.  It pleases him who gives and him who
receives, and thus, like mercy, it is twice blessed.
               -- Erastus Wiman
%%
Nothing is finer for the purpose of great productions than a very gradual
ripening of the intellectual powers.
               -- Keats
%%
Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
%%
Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious
%%
Nothing is hard work if you have the ability to get others to do it for you.
%%
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason
%%
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
               -- A. H. Weiler
%%
Nothing is impossible. Anything can be accomplished with proper preparation and
planning.
               -- Ponce de Leon
%%
Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.
               -- Jonathan Winters in "The Twilight Zone"
%%
Nothing is inevitable -- not even revolution.
               -- Gilbert Seldes (1893-?)
%%
Nothing is less likely to appeal to young women than the opinions of old
men on the pill.
%%
Nothing is more fairly distributed than common sense:  no one thinks he
needs more of it than he already has.
               -- Descartes
%%
Nothing is more gratifying to the mind of man than power or dominion.
               -- Joseph Addison
%%
Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
%%
Nothing is new; we walk where others went; There's no vice now but has
its precedent.
               -- Herrick
%%
Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
               -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
Nothing is so contagious as enthusiasm; it is the real allegory of the
tale of Orpheus; it moves stones, it charms brutes.  Enthusiasm is the
genius of sincerity, and truth accomplishes no victories without it.
               -- Bulwer
%%
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
               -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533-1592)
%%
Nothing is so good as it seems beforehand.
               -- George Eliot
%%
Nothing is so great an instance of ill-manners as flattery.  If you
flatter all the company you please none; if you flatter only one or two,
you affront all the rest.
               -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
%%
Nothing is so important that nothing else is important.
%%
Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
               -- Ebner-Eschenbach
%%
Nothing is so poor and melancholy as art that is interested in itself
and not in it's subject.
               -- George Santayana (1863-1952)
%%
Nothing is so useless as a general maxim.
%%
Nothing is so wretched or foolish as to anticipate misfortunes.  What
madness it is to be expecting evil before it comes.
               -- Seneca
%%
Nothing is too high for the daring of mortals: we storm heaven itself in
our folly.
               -- Horace (65-8 B.C.)
%%
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
               -- Hassan I Sabbah

Bullshit.
               -- Karl
%%
Nothing is ultimate.
%%
Nothing is wrong in Southern California that a rise in the ocean level
wouldn't cure.
               -- Ross MacDonald
%%
Nothing is your own except the few cubic inches in your head.
%%
Nothing keeps a family together like having one car in the shop.
               -- Gene Brown
%%
Nothing like having money to burn!
%%
Nothing looks as good close up as it does from far away.
Or, nothing looks as good from far away as it does close up.
%%
Nothing makes a man and wife feel closer, these days, than a joint tax
return.
%%
Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
Conscience makes egotists of us all.
               -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
Nothing matters very much and few things matter at all.
               -- Balfour
%%
Nothing minor ever happens to a car on a trip.
               -- Charles D. Hartman
%%
Nothing minor ever happens to a car on the weekend.
               -- Charles D. Hartman
%%
Nothing minor ever happens to a car.
               -- Charles D. Hartman
%%
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss put in an honest day's work.
%%
Nothing seems to happen.
%%
Nothing shocks me--I'm a scientist
%%
Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend
that he is superior to the other.
               -- Honore de Balzac
%%
Nothing so much prevents our being natural as the desire of appearing
so.
               -- Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld
%%
Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared
believe that something inside them was superior to circumstance.
               -- Bruce Barton
%%
Nothing spoils a confession like repentance.
               -- Anatole France (1844-1924)
%%
Nothing succeeds like -- failure.
%%
Nothing succeeds like a toothless budgie
%%
Nothing succeeds like excess.
%%
Nothing succeeds like success.
               -- Alexandre Dumas, Pere (1802-1870)
%%
Nothing that would not further modesty
In movement.
%%
Nothing that's forced can ever be right, if it doesn't come naturally leave it.
That's what she said as she turned out the light,
And we bent our backs as slaves in the night,
She lowered her guard, showed me the scars she got from trying to fight,
Said, "Oh, you better believe it."
..
Well nothing that's real is ever for free and you just have to
       pay for it sometime.
She said it before, she said it to me,
I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
But the same old four imaginary walls
She'd built for livin' inside
I said "Oh, you just can't mean it."
..
Well, nothing that's forced can ever be right, if it doesn't come
       naturally leave it.
That's what she said as she turned out the light,
And she may have been wrong and she may have been right,
But I woke with the frost, I noticed she'd lost the veil that covered her eyes,
I said "Oh, you can leave it."
               -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally"
%%
Nothing this evil EVER dies!
%%
Nothing unreal exists.
%%
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
%%
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
               -- Kim Hubbard
%%
Nothing will ever be attempted
if all possible objections must be first overcome.
               -- Dr. Johnson
%%
Nothing will surprise us more than to pass through to the other side
of the veil and realize how well we recognize our Father's face.
               -- Ezra Taft Benson
%%
Nothing worth a damn is ever done as a matter of principle.  If it is
worth doing, it is done because it is worth doing.  If it is not, it's
done as a matter of principle.
               -- James T. Evans
%%
Nothing's beautiful from every point of view.
               -- Horace (65-8 B.C.)
%%
Nothing, indeed, but the possession of some power can with any certainty
discover what at the bottom is the true character of any man.
               -- Edmund Burke
%%
Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because the
official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can
be offered to a personality.
               -- Soren Kierkegaard
%%
Nought shall prevail against us, or disturb
Our cheerful faith, that all which we behold
Is full of blessings.
               -- Wordsworth
%%
November 1 -- In the ongoing heroic effort to trim the federal budget deficit,
House and Senate conferees agree not to order appetizers.
               -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
November 15 -- In their continuing heroic deficit-reduction efforts, House and
Senate conferees agree to continue working right through their 2:30
racquetball appointment.
               -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
November 22 -- In ceremonies marking his retirement as secretary of defense,
Caspar Weinberger is presented with a pen-and-pencil set, built by the
General Dynamics Corp. for $352.4 million.
               -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
November 29 -- The world financial community's faith in the U.S. economy is
restored as heroic House and Senate conferees hammer out a breakthrough
compromise deficit-reduction measure under which $417.65 will be slashed
from the $13.2 million pastry budget of the Federal Bureau of Putting Up
Road Signs With Kilometers On Them.
               -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:

       When comes the revolution, things will be different --
       not better, just different.
%%
Now *YOU* have a friend in the software business.
%%
Now Denial:
       To tell oneself that the only time worth living is in the past
and that the only time that may ever be interesting again is the
future.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Now I hear she's got a house out in fairview in a style she's trying
to maintain
%%
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I'll cry in anguish, Mistake!! Mistake!!
%%
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hear the sirens in the street
All my dreams are made of chrome
I have no way to get back home
               -- Tom Waits
%%
Now I lay me down to study,
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
And if I fail to learn this junk,
I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
But if I do, don't pity me at all,
Just lay my bones in the study hall.
Tell my teacher I've done my best,
Then pile my books upon my chest.
%%
Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST
BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
%%
Now I was heading, in my hot cage, down towards meat-market country on
the tip of the West Village.  Here the redbrick warehouses double as
carcass galleries and rat hives, the Manhattan fauna seeking its
necessary level, living or dead.  Here too you find the heavy faggot
hangouts, The Spike, the Water Closet, the Mother Load.  Nobody knows
what goes on in these places.  Only the heavy faggots know.  Even
Fielding seems somewhat vague on the question.  You get zapped and
flogged and dumped on -- by almost anybody's standards, you have a
really terrible time.  The average patron arrives at the Spike in one
taxi but needs to go back to his sock in two.  And then the next night
he shows up for more.  They shackle themselves to racks, they bask in
urinals.  Their folks have a lot of explaining to do, if you want my
opinion, particularly the mums.  Sorry to single you ladies out like
this but the story must start somewhere.  A craving for hourly murder --
it can't be willed.  In the meantime, Fielding tells me, Mother Nature
looks on and taps her foot and clicks her tongue.  Always a champion of
monogamy, she is cooking up some fancy new diseases.  She just isn't
going to stand for it.
               -- Martin Amis, "Money"
%%
Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of
HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLAS CARS and being approached
by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
%%
Now all those things that were important,
Mister they vanish in the dirt.
%%
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
               -- Frank McKinney Hubbard (1868-1930),
                  "Abe Martin's Broadcast", 1930
%%
Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be
happy.
%%
Now available:  Available any day now.

Available soon:  Should be out within a year.

Available May 1st:  Version 1.0 may ship to dealers August 1st.
%%
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
%%
Now good digestion wait on appetite, and health on both.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
               -- Byron
%%
Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
Who said with a wink and a smile,
       "Sure, please stick it in,
       Be it thick be it thin,
But if's rough I won't do as a file."
%%
Now is not a good time to annoy me
%%
Now is the time for drinking;
now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
               -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) (65-8 B.C.)
%%
Now it's my turn!
%%
Now it's time to say goodbye
To all our company...
M-I-C        (see you next week!)
K-E-Y        (Why?  Because we LIKE you!)
M-O-U-S-E.
%%
Now let me see...
Well, we weren't quite able to restore your state.  You can't have
everything.
%%
Now look what you've made me do.
%%
Now of my threescore years and ten,
Twenty will not come again,
And take from seventy springs a score,
It leaves me only fifty more.

And since to look at things in bloom
Fifty springs are little room,
About the woodlands I will go
To see the cherry hung with snow.
               -- A. E. Housman
%%
Now sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip
that started from this tropic port aboard this tiny ship.  The
mate was a mighty sailing man, the skipper brave and sure.  Five
passengers set sail that day for a three hour tour.
A three hour tour ....
%%
Now that day wearies me,
My yearning desire
Will receive more kindly,
Like a tired child, the starry night.

Hands, leave off your deeds,
Mind, forget all thoughts;
All of my forces
Yearn only to sink into sleep.

And my soul, unguarded,
Would soar on widespread wings,
To live in night's magical sphere
More profoundly, more variously.
               -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
%%
Now that is the wisdom of man, in every instance of his
labor, to hitch his wagon to a star, and see his chore done
by the gods themselves.
               -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
Now that we are no longer a growth company, your beard is a liability.
%%
Now that world telephone and television transmission are a reality,
the only communications problem left on earth is that between
parents and teenagers.
%%
Now the cycle is complete;
before I was but the learner,
now I am the master!
%%
Now the trumpet summons us again -- not as a call to bear arms, though
arms we need -- not as a call to battle, though embattled we are -- but
a call to bear the burden of a long twilight struggle year in and year
out, "rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation" -- a struggle against
the common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty, disease and war itself.
               -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963)
%%
Now the world has gone to bed,
Darkness won't engulf my head,
I can see by infrared,
How I hate the night.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
Try to count electric sheep,
Sweet dream wishes you can keep,
How I hate the night.
               -- Marvin, the Paranoid Android
                  Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
               -- Casey Stengel
%%
Now this is going to be your first day on a strange new planet, so I
want you all wrapped up snug and warm, and no playing with any naughty
bug-eyed monsters.
                  D O N ' T     P A N I C
%%
Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end.
But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
               -- Sir Winston S. Churchill
%%
Now under new management!
%%
Now we can be just like Oral Roberts University.
%%
Now what is it that cures digestion?
%%
Now what would they do if I just sailed away?
Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?
Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,
What would they do if I made no landfall?"
               -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
%%
Now where did I put that rubber doll?
%%
Now you are in a twisting tunnel which goes east and west from here.
%%
Now you are in the middle of a field of grass. The grass is
quite weedy and unkempt, and obviously has not been cut or
otherwise tended to for some time. To the north and south
are the sides of some yellow houses. On the east edge is a
fence, and a yellow platform lies to the west.
%%
Now you are in the water just in front of a sandy beach, the only such
beach on Ebosskil. This beach is no natural formation. The normally
rocky island has been altered by an act of immense power and has been
made habitable. Despite the amount of power used, it is clear that only
a small fraction of the island has actually been cleared. You may land
to the west. To the north and south the island rapidly reverts to its
natural state -- broken rocky terrain that no human could travel over.
%%
Now you are standing in the grey shack. The clapboard walls are
cheap and flimsy. There is a heavy coating of dust over the entire
interior. The room is empty except for a desk standing in one
corner and a sink which is attached to the north wall. There
is a single exit to the south.
%%
Now you see it, now you don't.
               -- H. Shadowspawn
%%
Now you've done it.  It seems that the brick has other properties
than weight, namely the ability to blow you to smithereens.
%%
Now you've really done it!  I'm out of orange smoke!  You don't expect
me to do a decent reincarnation without any orange smoke, do you?
%%
Now, I know you're probably asking yourself, "Did he fire six shots,
or just five?"  Well, in all this excitement, I clean forgot myself.
Now, since this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world,
and since it can blow your head clean off, the question you have to ask
yourself is "Do I feel lucky?"  . . . Well, DO ya, punk?
               -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
%%
Now, if the leaders of the world -- people who are leaders by virtue of
political, military or financial power, and not necessarily wisdom or
consideration for mankind -- if these leaders manage not to pull us
over the brink into planetary suicide, despite their occasional pompous
suggestions that they may feel obliged to do so, we may survive beyond
1988.
               -- George Rostky, EE Times, June 20, 1988 p. 45
%%
Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several
   miles from the next freeway exit.
%%
Nuclear war?!? Take cover!
%%
Nuclear war?!? There goes my career!
%%
Nuclear weapons can wipe out life on earth, if used properly.
%%
Nude Pictures Of Nancy Reagan's Hairdresser Cause Uproar.
%%
Nude woman who fly upside-down have big hairy crack up.
%%
Nudist Camp sign - Sorry, Clothed for Winter.
%%
Nuke Gay Whales for Jesus
%%
Nuke the Smurfs
%%
Nuke the baby seals for Jesus
%%
Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
%%
Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
%%
Nuke'em till they glow, then shoot'em in the dark
%%
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
               -- Seneca
%%
Number 1: "(Name of female) is an asshole!"
Number 2: "She's MUCH more than an asshole, she's obnoxious."
%%
Number seven ... What's it meant to be dear? ... A study? ... It doesn't
say what of? ... Well, that's an easy way out for an artist.
               -- Ruth Draper
%%
Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the
same.
               -- G. O. Ashley
%%
Numbers are tools, not rules.
               -- G. O. Ashley
%%
Numerical superiority is of no consequence.  In battle, victory will go to the
best tactician.
               -- G. A. Custer
%%
Nuns can't dance.
%%
Nuptial love maketh mankind, friendly love perfecteth it; but wanton
love corrupteth and embaseth it.
               -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Nurse Chapel, to the sick bay.
%%
Nurse Donna:        Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
Groucho:        Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
Nurse Donna:        Do you believe in computer dating?
Groucho:        Only if the computers really love each other.
%%
Nurse!  I spy gypsies!  Run!
%%
Nurses do it with patience.
%%
Nusbaum's Rule:
       The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
       organization.  (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
       Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
       to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
%%
Nutritional Slumming:
       Food whose enjoyment stems not from flavor but from complex
mixture of class connotations, nostalgia signals, and packaging
semiotics: Katie and I bought this tub of Multi-Whip instead of real
whip cream because we thought petroleum distillate whip topping seemed
like the sort of food that air force wives stationed in Pensacola back
in the early sixties would feed their husbands to celebrate a career
promotion.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Nymphs and nurses like beautiful rings.
%%
O God! that men should put an epigram in their mouths to steal away
their brains!
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
O cursed ambition, thou devouring bird, how dost thou from the field of
honesty pick every grain of profit or delight, and mock the reaper's
toil!
               -- Harvard
%%
O imitators, you slavish herd!
               -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) (65-8 B.C.)
%%
O liberty!  O liberty!  What crimes are committed in your name!
               -- Mme. Jeanne (Manon) Roland (1754-1793)
%%
O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
Might we not smash it to bits
And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
               -- Omar Khayyam [tr. FitzGerald]
%%
O that my tongue were in the thunder's mouth!
Then with a passion would I shake the world.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
O thou who dost inhabit in my breast,
Leave not the mansion, so long tenantless;
Lest growing ruinous the building fall,
And leave no memory of what it was.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
O to be self-balanced for contingencies!  O to confront night, storms,
hunger, ridicule, accidents, rebuffs as trees and animals do!
               -- Walt Whitman
%%
O you much partial gods!  Why gave ye men affections, and not power to
govern them?
               -- Ludovick Barry
%%
O!  If I were a fish
I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
Yes, that's my one and only wish --
To be a fish!

For fish don't ever mish;
They needn't flush after they pish!
Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
For all the fish!!!
%%
O! love is like the rose,
And a month it may not see,
Ere it withers where it grows.
               -- Bailey
%%
O'Brian's Law:
       Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
%%
O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
       "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
       "Four."
       "And if the Party says that it is not four but five-- then how many?"
       "Four."
       The word ended in a gasp of pain.
               -- George Orwell (1903-1950)
%%
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
%%
O'Riordan's Theorem:
       Brains x Beauty = Constant.

Purmal's Corollary:
       As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
       availability goes to zero.
%%
O'TOOLE'S LAW:
       Murphy was an optimist.
%%
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
       Murphy was an optimist.-
Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
look at the other guy's.
               -- Hal Hickman
%%
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Laws:
       Murphy was an optimist.
%%
O'propriation:
       The inclusion of advertising, packaging, and entertainment
jargon from earlier eras in everyday speech for ironic and/or comic
effect: "Kathleen's Favorite Dead Celebrity party was tons o' fun" or
"Dave really thinks of himself as a zany, nutty, wacky, and madcap
guy, doesn't he?"
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
O, it is excellent
To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
To use it like a giant.
               -- William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
%%
O. Hal I. Mist
%%
O.K., fine.
%%
O.S. messages -- OFF  O.S. messages -- ON
%%
OAG                : The sound a telecomputing buff makes after
                    opening the monthly phone bill.  (Moral:  Ask
                    not for whom the Bell tolls.)
%%
OCCAM'S ERASER:
       The philosophical principle that even the simplest
       solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
%%
OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.
%%
OFF LINE - failure to pass a sobriety test
%%
OH, YOU'D BETTER NOT PEEK
YOU'D BETTER NOT SPY
BETTER NOT POKE
I'M TELLING YOU WHY...
602 IS COMING TO CORE!

THE DEVLNM BOMBS
YOU CAN'T DO A CALL
GETTABS JUST WON'T
WORK AT ALL
602 IS COMING TO CORE!

IT WAKES YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING
IT SWAPS YOU IF YOU'RE SMALL
IT PUTS YOU INTO MQ WAIT
AND YOU CAN'T GET OUT AT ALL!

OH, YOU'D BETTER NOT PEEK
YOU'D BETTER NOT SPY
BETTER NOT POKE
I'M TELLING YOU WHY...
602 IS COMING TO CORE!
%%
OK Spuds! Act Crazy!
%%
OKIDATA, so you managed to log in without help!
%%
OLD TIMER:
       One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
%%
OML     Obey Murphy's Laws
%%
ON LINE - full but not drunk
%%
ONE LAST BUG
------------
"But what does it matter?"              It still wasn't right,
they said with a shrug.         as year followed year,
"The customer's happy,                  and strangers would query,
what's one little bug?"         "Is that nut still here?"

But he was determined.                  He died at his console
The others went home.                   of hunger and thirst.
He spread out the program.              They buried him next day
Deserted.  Alone.                       (face down, nine edge first).

The cleaning men came.                  The last bug in sight,
The whole room was cluttered            one small ant passing by,
with punch cards, core dumps;           saluted his tombstone
"I'm close," he muttered.               and whispered "Nice try."

His mumbling grew louder,
"Simple deduction!
I've got it!  It's right!
Just change one instruction."
               -- Author unknown
%%
ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in ANOTHER WORLD
all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
%%
ONE SIZE FITS ALL:
       Doesn't fit anyone.
%%
ONE SOVIET INVASION CAN RUIN YOUR WHOLE DAY
%%
OOSTERVAL'S POSTULATE:
The value of a report is inversely proportional to it's length.
%%
OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am.
%%
OPERATORS do it person-to-person.
%%
OPP     Optimize Programmer.
%%
OPPENHEIMER'S LAW:
There is no such thing as instant experience.
%%
OPTICAL SCANNER - male visitor in the key punch section
%%
OPTIMIST:
       A proponent of the belief that black is white.
%%
OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.
%%
ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE:
       The word "No".
%%
OREGANO (Ore-gah-no): The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
%%
ORG.ASM Not Found.  Wife not happy!
%%
OS SCANDAL: Unix and Ms. Dos found in love nest!
               -- "National Computer Science Enquirer"
%%
OS/2 - Not just another pretty program loader!
%%
OS/2 - Windows with bullet-proof glass.
%%
OS/2 VirusScan - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/y)"
%%
OS/2 must die!
%%
OSHA's Discovery:  Wet manure is slippery.
%%
OUCH! Got my floppy caught in my PKZipper!
%%
OUT TO LUNCH - If not back at five, OUT TO DINNER!
%%
OVERFLOW - the result of being too much OFF LINE, or failure to exhibit
          FLOATING CONTROL
%%
OWEN'S THEORY OF ORGANIZATIONAL DEVIANCE:
Every organization has an allotted number of positions to be filled
by misfits.
COROLLARY:
When one misfit leaves, another will be recruited.
%%
Oatmeal raisin.
%%
Oats: a grain which is commonly given to horses, but in Scotland supports
the people.
               -- Johnson, Definition Dictionary
%%
ObJoke: Why are there so many lawyers in Philadelphia, and so many
toxic waste dumps in New Jersey?
%%
Obituaries are the last writes.
%%
Object Oriented Programming?  We've been doing that for years...
When the customer objects to the way it works, we go program some more!
               -- Al Folsom, [email protected]
%%
Objection, your Honour! My client is an idiot!
%%
Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder
%%
Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.
               -- Joseph Pulitzer
%%
Objects in taglines are closer than they appear.
%%
Objects in your terminal are closer than they appear.
%%
Oboeists have TWO reeds
%%
Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection.
%%
Obscurism:
       The practice of peppering daily life with obscure references
(forgotten films, dead TV stars, unpopular books, defunct countries,
etc.) as a subliminal means of showcasing both one's education and
one's wish to disassociate from the world of mass culture.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Obscurity is its own reward
%%
Observation, not old age, brings wisdom.
%%
Observe yon plumed biped fine.
To activate its captivation,
Deposit on its termination,
A quantity of particles saline.
%%
Obsession is when you can't live without that person.
Infatuation is when you feel like you'll die when that person isn't
around you.
Love is when you feel that the person is always with you, even when
he/she isn't.
%%
Obstacles are those frightful things you see
when you take your eyes off the goal.
               -- Hannah More
%%
Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
%%
Obstruction. The southwest furthers.
The northeast does not further.
It furthers one to see the great man.
Perseverance brings good fortune.
%%
Obtain a brilliant assignment, but keep out of sight and out of the
limelight.
%%
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
%%
Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something to
be avoided than harped upon.

Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they
might just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do
something about helping to postpone this reunion.
               -- Douglas Adams
%%
Obviously, a man's judgement cannot be better than the information on
which he has based it.  Give him the truth and he may still go wrong
when he has the chance to be right, but give him no news or present
him only with distorted and incomplete data, with ignorant, sloppy or
biased reporting, with propaganda and deliberate falsehoods, and you
destroy his whole reasoning processes, and make him something less
than a man.
               -- Arthur Hays Sulzberger
%%
Occam's Razor principle:
Hypotheses are not to be multiplied without necessity.
%%
Occam's Razor: Entities ought not to be multiplied except from
necessity.
               -- William of Occam
%%
Occam's Razor:
       When there appears to be more than one possible solution to a
       problem, the simplest is most likely to be correct.
%%
Occupation is the necessary basis of all enjoyment.
               -- Leigh Hunt
%%
Occupation is the scythe of time.
               -- Napoleon Bonaparte
%%
Occupational Slumming:
       Taking a job well beneath one's skill or education level as a
means of retreat from adult responsibilities and/or avoiding possible
failure in one's true occupation.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
October 15 -- In an effort to establish that she is not a bimbo, Jessica Hahn
appears nude in Playboy magazine.  We are pretty sure we must have made
this item up.
               -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
October 25 -- The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that the federal
speed limit should be raised on highways going through boring or ugly
areas, so drivers can get through them quicker.  "In Indiana, for
instance," the committee says, "it should be 135 miles per hour."
               -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
October 3 -- Sen. Joseph Biden is forced to withdraw from the Democratic
presidential race when it is learned that he is in fact an elderly
Norwegian woman.  On the Republican side, the spectacularly Rev. Pat
Robertson announces his candidacy for president, buoyed by strong
popularity among humor columnists.
               -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
October 8 -- Three hundred prominent law professors sign a petition stating
that Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork has "a weenie beard."
               -- Dave Barry "Year in Review for 1987"
%%
October:  This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in
stocks.  The others are July, January, September, April, November, May,
March, June, December, August, and February.
%%
Oden the bardling averred
His muse was the bum of a bird,
       And his Lesbian wife
       Would finger his fife
While Fisherwood waited as third.
%%
Oedipus was the first man to plug the generation gap.
%%
Of all affliction taught a lover yet
'Tis sure the hardest science to forget.
               -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
%%
Of all bores, the worst is the sparkling bore.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most
cruel.
%%
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
%%
Of all man's questions, three stand out:  Why am I here, where do I go when
I die, and why do so many people wear digital watches?
%%
Of all mankind, each loves himself the best.
               -- Terence
%%
Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
to know so much and have control over nothing.
               -- Herodotus
%%
Of all the agonies of life, that which is most poignant and harrowing --
that which for the most time annihilates reason and leaves our whole
organization one lacerated, mangled heart -- is the conviction that we
have been deceived where we placed all the trust of love.
               -- Bulwer
%%
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
               -- Plato (428-348? B.C.)
%%
Of all the forces that make for a better world, none is so
indispensable, none so powerful, as hope.  Without hope men are only
half alive.  With hope they dream and think and work.
               -- Charles Sawyer
%%
Of all the ginjoints, in all the cities, in all the world;
               she walks into mine.
%%
Of all the idiotic terms Homo Sapiens has created to describe itself,
"manliness" is the worst, basically because it is semantically null.
"Manliness" involves being "brave and "courageous."  If a person is willing
to lay down his life to protect those he loves and cares for, he is more
"manly" than anyone who hides behind a phrase.
               -- Xavier R. Quinton
%%
Of all the monsters put together by the Greek imagination the Centaurs
(Kentauroi) constituted a class in themselves.  Despite a strong streak of
sensuality in their make-up, their normal behaviour was moral, and they took
a kindly thought of man's welfare. The attempted outrage of Nessos on
Deianeira, and that of the whole tribe of Centaurs on the Lapith women, are
more than offset by the hospitality of Pholos and by the wisdom of Cheiron,
physician, prophet, lyrist, and the instructor of Achilles.  Further, the
Centaurs were peculiar in that their nature, which united the body of a
horse with the trunk and head of a man, involved an unthinkable duplication
of vital organs and important members. So grotesque a combination seems
almost un-Greek.  These strange creatures were said to live in the caves and
clefts of the mountains, myths associating them especially with the hills of
Thessaly and the range of Erymanthos.
               -- Mythology of all races, Vol. 1, pp. 270-271
%%
Of all the passions that possess mankind,
The love of novelty rules most the mind;
In search of this, from realm to realm we roam;
Our fleets come fraught with ev'ry folly home.
               -- Foote
%%
Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them
%%
Of all the preposterous assumptions of humanity over humanity, nothing
exceeds most of the criticisms made on the habits of the poor by
the well-housed, well-warmed, and well-fed.
               -- Herman Melville (1819-1891)
%%
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of
nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing--with "obscenity" and "indecent
exposure" fighting it out for second and third place.
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important. So quit
wearing that silly face.
%%
Of all the tyrants the world affords,
Our own affections are the fiercest lords.
               -- Earl of Sterling
%%
Of all things man is the measure.
               -- Protagoras
%%
Of all wild beasts preserve me from a tyrant;
Of all tame -- a flatterer.
               -- Johnson
%%
Of course he's dead--I killed him!
%%
Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.  After a while
    you run out of air to push against.
%%
Of course you have a purpose--to find a purpose.
%%
Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly
exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London.  Ms. London is the
author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter,"
"A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy
Heiress".  Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to an
extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save himself
extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb:

Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate ship.
No one, that is, but the pirates.  Yet there she was, Merry Wilding --
kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England,
spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"...
There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome,
sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor
               -- Devon
%%
Of course, kick a man when he's down. It's the best time. If you're not willing
to kick him when he's down, then don't kick him when he's up either.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Of course, you're probably going to say it does in your ``analysis'' of
public-key systems, because you'll do anything to make RSA look better
than it really is.  Have fun making a fool of yourself.
               -- Dan Bernstein ([email protected]), in sci.crypt
%%
Of sorrows I know
I dream of
The day when
The sun will shine bright

I know of sadness
Not of happyiness

The shell
That covers me

It keeps the sadness
Within the heart

When its gone
Only for a
Moment

I feel the happyiness
I long for

Though the
Sadness I live

I do not wish
For happyiness always

Only for peace
within the world
               -- by: J. Amara Barbe
%%
Of special note is a thief (always carrying a large bag) who likes to
wander around in the dungeon (he has never been seen by the light of
day).  He likes to take things.  Since he steals for pleasure rather
than profit and is somewhat sadistic, he only takes things which you
have seen.  Although he prefers valuables, sometimes in his haste he may
take something which is worthless.  From time to time, he examines his
take and discards objects which he doesn't like.  He may occasionally
stop in a room you are visiting, but more often he just wanders through
and rips you off (he is a skilled pickpocket).
%%
Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.
%%
Of what use are forms, seeing at times they are empty?  Of the same use
as barrels, which are at times empty too.
               -- Hare
%%
Of what use is political liberty to those who have no bread?  It is of
value only to ambitious theorists and politicians.
               -- Jean Paul Marat (1743-1793)
%%
Off Hook           : What the author of this column is after
                    finally finishing it.
%%
Off in the distance you hear someone saying, "My, I wonder what this
fine # is doing here?"
%%
Off the Landlords
%%
Off to one side a great many dwarves are sleeping on the floor,
snoring loudly.  A sign nearby reads: "Do not disturb the dwarves!"
%%
Off to one side lies a glistening pearl!
%%
Offenses ought to be pardoned, for few offend willingly, but as they are
compelled by come affection.
               -- Hegesippus
%%
Office of Redundant Tautologies Department.
Why say it once when you can repeat yourself with pointless
verbose rewordings reiterating what it was you already said.
               -- Pyotr
%%
Official Project Stages:
       1. Uncritical Acceptance
       2. Wild Enthusiasm
       3. Dejected Disillusionment
       4. Total Confusion
       5. Search for the Guilty
       6. Punishment of the Innocent
       7. Promotion of the Non-participants
%%
Often it is not even advantageous to know what will be.
               -- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.)
%%
Often it takes as much courage to resist as it does to go ahead.
%%
Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts - for support
rather than illumination.
%%
Often the prickly thorn produces tender roses.
               -- Ovid
%%
Often the test of courage is not to die but to live.
               -- Conte Vittorio Alfieri
%%
Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
%%
Oh Boy!
%%
Oh God! It's another disease! And you'd just gotten over the last.
%%
Oh John, let's not park here.
Oh John, let's not park.
Oh John, let's not.
Oh John, let's.
Oh John.
Oh.
%%
Oh Lord! Won'tcha buy me a Cray XM-P?!
My friends' all got Sierras,
and they're now home free.
Code hard for my money,
my chip's ain't got clout!
Oh Lord get my Cray now,
before I freak out!

Oh Lord! Won'tcha give me some N log N stuff?!
My program's now crawling',
10 MIPS ain't enough.
Complexity's breeding,
like e raised N stud.
Oh Lord give me insight!
Or my name is Mudd!

Oh Lord! Won'tcha send me Von Neuman's old brain?!
My own is a joke now,
it's right down the drain!
Worked hard on this problem,
it's NP complete!
Oh Lord send me Turing!
I count with my feet!
%%
Oh baby, give me one more chance (to show you that I love ya')!
%%
Oh dear, you seem to have gone over Aragain Falls.  Not a very
smart thing to do, apparently.
%%
Oh dear, you seem to have gotten yourself killed.  I might be able to
help you out, but I've never really done this before.  Do you want me to
try to reincarnate you?
%%
Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
Where the beer and the whiskey flows free,
Where never is heard, a discouraging word,
And the call-girls keep callin' for me!
%%
Oh goody! Another Muranium Explosive Space Modulator!
%%
Oh hell.  Six bells and all's well.  Another week in my little gray cell.
Another week in which to excel.  Oh hell, sir.
               -- A West Point Cadet's answer to,
                  "What's the Sunday night poop?"
%%
Oh no you don't!  Your not stealing this one!
%%
Oh no! Not the BORE WORMS!
%%
Oh no, not another learning experience!
%%
Oh no, not the triple contact electro-magnet.
%%
Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
He tried to make love to a puma.
       Seems the puma, in play,
       Tore his testes away -
- An example of animal huma.
%%
Oh that my words were now written! oh that they were printed in a book!
               -- Job xix. 23
%%
Oh this age!  How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
               -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
%%
Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
Born under one law, to another bound.
               -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
%%
Oh what a crummy life, I got living here.
%%
Oh what a fate worse than death it is to be strapped to the back of a
Wookiee!
               -- C-3PO
%%
Oh yeah? Well, beam *THIS* up, pal!
%%
Oh yes, and he had a glass eye.  Funny I should forget that.  The real
eye was knocked out by a cop during a strike.
%%
Oh you won't get a lemon (I wouldn't 'a gotten a lemon?) from Toyota of
Orange.
%%
Oh! greatness! thou art a flattering dream,
A wat'ry bubble, lighter than the air.
               -- Tracy
%%
Oh! how many torments lie in the small circle of a wedding ring.
               -- Colley Cibber
%%
Oh! let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about!
               -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Microbe"
%%
Oh, Aunty Em, it feels so good!
%%
Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
%%
Oh, God.  I'm so depressed.
%%
Oh, I could while away the hours,
Smoking herbs and flowers,
Shooting up my veins,
       De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
If I dealt in good cocaine.
               -- To If I Only Had A Brain, "Wizard of Oz"
%%
Oh, I get it, you're a behind.
%%
Oh, I once had a chicken who wouldn't lay an egg...
%%
Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer weiner.
%%
Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover,
That got run over with my mower.
One leg is missing, and one other is gone,
The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn.
It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
It landed by the kitchen door.
Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
that ain't gonna walk no more...
               -- Tune is something about a four leaf clover.
%%
Oh, I'm so happy for you!
%%
Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
My friends all have Porches; I must make amends.
               -- Janis Joplin
%%
Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
%%
Oh, baby, you knnooow what I LIKE!
%%
Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
%%
Oh, dear.  It appears that the smell coming from this room was coal
gas.  I would have thought twice about carrying a # in here.
%%
Oh, dear.  Such language from a supposedly winning adventurer!
%%
Oh, give me a home
 where the buffalo roam
And I'll show you a house with a messy kitchen
%%
Oh, go go away! Why don't you live with a gazelle?
%%
Oh, go lick a skunk's crotch!
%%
Oh, how fun!
%%
Oh, it makes me sort of sad
To think about Sir Galahad
And all the knights of that romantic day:
To amuse a girl and charm her
They would climb into their armour
And jump into the fray:
They called her 'Lady love',
They used to wear her little glove,
And everything that she said went:
For those were the days when a lady was a lady
And a gent was a perfect gent.
               -- P. G. Wodehouse
%%
Oh, leave the poor unhappy bird alone.
%%
Oh, my God!
%%
Oh, my, but that little country boy could play ...
go, go, go, Johnny, go ... go, go, Johnny B. Goode
               -- Chuck Berry
%%
Oh, no!  A fearsome grue slithered into the room and devoured you.
%%
Oh, no!  There goes Tokyo!  Go, go, Godzilla!
               -- Blue Oyster Cult
%%
Oh, no!  You walked into the slavering fangs of a lurking grue.
%%
Oh, no.  Not again.
%%
Oh, screw you! You want an easy computer to use, go by a Mac. This operating
system is user fiendly, not user friendly, and it's going to stay that way!!
%%
Oh, so there you are!
%%
Oh, sons of earth! attempt ye still to rise,
By mountains pil'd on mountains to the skies?
Heaven still with laughter the vain toil surveys,
And buries madmen in the heaps they raise.
               -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
%%
Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
Two dead men got up to fight.
Three blind men to see fair play,
Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
Back to back, they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
Came and arrested those two dead boys.
%%
Oh, the agony of delete!
%%
Oh, to be back at Tara now that spring is here!
%%
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
               -- Don Herold
%%
Oh, what is so rare as a full day's work in June?
               -- Baldwin Sells
%%
Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'!  Well, you can call me 'Ray',
or you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R. J.',
or you can call me 'Ray J.', or you can call me 'R. J. J.',
or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or you can call me 'R. J. Johnson',
but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
%%
Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the joy of livin' is gone.
               -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
%%
Ok, fine for sure, for sure, she's a valley girl and there is no cure.
%%
Okay - right after this one we're BACK to the TOPIC
%%
Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR
DEAD CAT LOVERS" ...
%%
Okay Shellia, this is your craft: Brian. You'll notice that he
was made for flight, just look at those highly dextrous
manipulators and that deep space probe. As you sit in the cockpit
take note of all the horsepower that you have between your legs.
Remember, he's a high performance craft, easy to maneuver into
those tight places, and designed to handle those long range missions.
And when you want to make that final bombing approach, he can get
in, drop his load and get out quick, on your command.
%%
Okay, Okay -- I admit it.  You didn't change that program that worked just a
little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the executable.
Please forgive me.  You can recover the file by typing in the code over again,
since I also removed the source.
%%
Okay, from now on I'll only describe a place in full the first time
you come to it.  To get the full description, say "look".
%%
Okay, if you're so smart, do it yourself!  I'm leaving!
%%
Okay, now where did I put my orange smoke?....  >POOF!<
Everything disappears in a dense cloud of orange smoke.
%%
Okay, so these three fundamentalists go into a bar for some grape Nehis.
The first one pulls up a stool and orders his soda.  "I'm sorry" the
bartender says, "but we don't serve fundamentalists here!"  "Just a
minute," the first one replies, "If I don't get a grape Nehi by the end
of March, the Lord will call me back!"  The bartender reaches across the
bar and throughs the first fundamentalist into the street.  The second
fundamentalist pulls up a stool and tries to order his soda.  "I'm
sorry" the bartender says, "but we don't serve fundamentalists here!"
"But you don't understand." the second fundamentalist pleaded, "I've
just been caught fooling around with a secretary of my ministry, and I'm
being cast out as head of the Pluck The Loot club!"  The bartender
reaches across the bar and throughs the second fundamentalist into the
street.  The third fundamentalist sneaked away into the men's room,
stuffed ten rolls of toilet paper into his pants, covered his head with
boraxo, and headed back to the bar.  "Give me a grape Nehi, bartender!"
he demanded.  "Aren't you a fundamentalist?" the bartender asked.
"Nope. I'm a Prayed Nut!"
%%
Okie use' to mean you was from Oklahoma.  Now it means you're scum.
Don't mean nothing itself, it's the way they say it.
               -- John Steinbeck (1902-1968)
%%
Old Boston laws prohibit taking a bath more than once a week
or without a written prescription from a medical doctor.
%%
Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
%%
Old Jedi Knights never die; they just fade in and fade out.
%%
Old MacDonald had a computer with an EIE I/O
%%
Old McDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O
And on this farm he had some chicks,
E-I-E-I-O
With a chickie-poo here, and a chickie-poo there,
Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a whoop-ti-doo,
Old McDonald lost his farm,
'Cause he had too many chicks.
%%
Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cupboard,
To get her poor doggie a bone.

But when she stooped over,
Old Rover, he drove her.
You see, he had a bone of his own.
%%
Old Scottish Prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
%%
Old accountants never die, they just loose their balance.
%%
Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives.
               -- Maurice Chevalier
%%
Old age is the harbor of all ills.
               -- Bion
%%
Old bank robbers never die,
they just steal away!
%%
Old cars never die;
 they just trade away.
%%
Old faculties never die,
they just lose their principles!
%%
Old friends are best.  King James used to call for his old shoes; they
were easiest to his feet.
               -- John Seldon
%%
Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days.
An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to
make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day.
               -- the 14th Dalai Lama, interview in "TIME",
                  11 April 1988
%%
Old golfers never die.
They just lose their balls.
%%
Old heroes never die; they reappear in sequels.
               -- Michael Moorcock
%%
Old mail has arrived.
%%
Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their
inability to give bad examples.
%%
Old mercenaries never die.  They just go to hell and regroup.
%%
Old people like to give good advice,
as solace for no longer being able to provide bad examples.
               -- Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 1665
%%
Old pilots never die,
they just can't get it up!
%%
Old principals never die,
they just lose their faculties!
%%
Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
%%
Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
%%
Old programmers never die,
they just goto.
%%
Old quarterbacks never die;
 they just fade back and pass away.
%%
Old railroad people never die,
they just lose track!
%%
Old truckers never die;
They just get a new Peterbilt.
%%
Older sister:  "Why are you wearing my new raincoat?"

Younger sister: "I didn't want to get your new dress wet."
%%
Olenka Bohachevsky lives!
And quite obviously in great seclusion.
%%
Oliver's Law of Location:
       No matter where you are, there you are.
%%
Oliver's law of assumed responsibility:
       'If you are seen fixing it, you will be blamed for breaking it.'
%%
Olmstead's Law:
       After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
%%
Om Mani Padme Hum.
%%
Omissions, no less than commissions, are often times branches of
injustice.
               -- Antoninus
%%
Omittance is no quittance.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
On 'the totally suffering individual' (i.e. no food, no oxygen, no water, no
self-esteem, no safety, no friends, no money, sick and in pain, etc.)  "You
can't do this with people, which takes all the fun out of life."
               -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation,
                  Fall 1991
%%
On Brassieres:
       Russian:        Uplifts the masses.
       Salvation Army: Raises the fallen.
       American:       Makes mountains out of molehills.
%%
On Darwin's results:
All that was new in them was false and what was true was old.
%%
On Intel fudging benchmark numbers:
"Those guys are so smart, its a wonder they don't just make
faster machines."
%%
On Jupiter's second moon few
Can consider themselves well-to-do.
       Though they work and they sweat,
       They are always in debt
Cuz their kids all attend Io U.
%%
On Line - a statement shouted at tennis judges in response to
         serves being called out.
%%
On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove
himself from his place of residence.
%%
On Oprah Winfrey's income:  "$83 million?  Oprah and I do basically the same
thing.  Stand in front of people and abuse them."
               -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation,
                  Fall 1991
%%
On Siamese Fighting Fish:  "They're beautiful, they're elegant, they're vicious
as hell...there's a real life lesson here somewhere."
               -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation,
                  Fall 1991
%%
On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone can be unhappy,
but we'll work on it.
               -- Donald Barr
%%
On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
       Not russian elite-
       She's eager to eat
Whatever or whoever lays her.
%%
On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
%%
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
               -- P. J. Denning
%%
On a leather-clad punk:
       Rebel without a brain.
%%
On a recent flight on a major airline the following occurred.
The jet had just leveled after takeoff and the captain
keyed the microphone on the intercom.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just completed our ascent to
22,000 feet. I've turned off the seatbelt sign. Feel free
to move about the cabin. I expect to arrive in Des Moines
on schedule at 10 p.m. Enjoy the flight folks."

Seconds later the intercom remained on and the captain was
heard to mutter in an entirely different tone of voice.

"Yep, all I need now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob!"

Upon hearing this, an obviously flustered stewardess began
scampering towards the crew cabin.
The passengers in coach observing this spectacle chimed in together:

       "Don't forget the coffee!"
%%
On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about 7.
%%
On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
       "Aha!" said the mate,
       "That settles the fate
Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
%%
On a soft infested summer, me and Terry became friends.
%%
On a table is a nasty-looking knife.
%%
On a tous un peu peur de l'amour,
mais on a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.

[One is always a little afraid of love,
but above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
%%
On a well worn, ca 1967 Volkswagen:
  Driver Carries No Cash
%%
On a world built to ordered specification, there was no logical reason
for such a mountain [as Fist-of-God] to exist.  Yet every world should
have at least one unclimbable mountain.
               -- "Ringworld"
%%
On ability:
       A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
       a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
               -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65)
%%
On alcohol:  four is one more than more than enough.
               -- Jim Pastore
%%
On all sides, the remains of a rich farming area occupy the entire
landscape. Virtually the only surviving evidence of the bygone days
of agriculture lies in the preponderance of food-yielding crops and
the occasional stone walls which have weathered ages of decay and ruin.
%%
On an electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your Shorts
%%
On beginning play, as many balls as may be required to obtain a
satisfactory result may be played from the first tee.  Everyone
recognizes a good player needs to "loosen up" but does not have time for
the practice tee.
               -- Donald A. Metz
%%
On croit mourir pour la patrie, on meurt pour des industriels.
(You believe you're dying for the country -- you die for some
industrialists.)
               -- Anatole France (1844-1924)
%%
On curing the depression that comes with having to work for a living:
Stay home for a day and watch daytime TV.
               -- Sheldon
%%
On day a Monterey daughter
Did scuba down under the water.
       She later turned up
       The mom of a pup,
And they say t'was a otter that gotter.
%%
On exam, he has cigarettes in his front pocket.
%%
On fear-reduction techniques and how they can be used to make a bad
relationship last:  "If I could use these techniques as well as I can explain
them, do you think I'd be here?  And if I was here, I'd look a lot more tired
and happy."
               -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation,
                  Fall 1991
%%
On his first day on the job at a small rural town, the new pastor
was surprised when only one person showed up for the ceremony.
Perplexed, the pastor said, "Well young man...you're the only one in
attendance.  Do you wish me to go on with the sermon?"
After a silent moment, the young cowboy replied " Weeeelll pastor,
I don't know much about that religion stuff, but I'll tell you this....
if I went out to pasture to slop the hogs and there was only one out
there, I guarantee I'd feed him."  Upon this reply the pastor went forth
with his sermon, which lasted for an hour and a half!  When he had finished
he asked the cowboy, "Well son, did you learn anything?"  "Weeellll," the
cowboy said, "I didn't understand a lot of it, but I'll tell you this.....
if I go out to pasture to slop the hogs and there is only one there,
I sure wouldn't give him the whole load!!"
%%
On hooks above the mantlepiece hangs an elvish sword of great antiquity.
%%
On one screen, you see a beautiful view of a planet.  On another, you
can see a telescopic enlargement showing four square islands grouped
together.  there is a large building on one of the islands, indicating
some kind of intelligent life-forms exist on the planet.  A third screen
shows the results of a deep-probe scan on the same islands, thus
revealing underground caverns.  But by far the largest screen shows
the view in the other direction -- a fleet of hostile-looking ships, all
firing on this ship at once!  A small status indicator reads "Condition
red".
%%
On receiving a check made out to "Bearer": "How could you spell
my name like that?"
               -- Yogi Berra
%%
On second thought, a philosopher is any person who doesn't want what he
can't get.
%%
On soap operas all whites are in personal touch with (a) a doctor and
(b) a lawyer.
               -- James L. Davis
%%
On successive charts of the same organization, the number of boxes will
never decrease.
               -- Charles P. Boyle
%%
On the Pacific Coast Highway, somewhere in S. Cal.:
"No motorized bicycles, horses, or dogs allowed on pier."

[It's a good thing I still have my old wind-up dog around!]
%%
On the alter is a large black book, open to page 569.
%%
On the branch is a small birds nest.
%%
On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
Was tattooed the price of her tail
       And on her behind,
       For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.
%%
On the contrary!  A recent study in which microprocessors were implanted in
rhesus monkey brains via satellite shows clearly that...
               -- Manhattan Chess Club Regulars
%%
On the earth is water:
The image of Holding Together.
Thus the kings of antiquity
Bestowed the different states as fiefs
And cultivated friendly relations
With the feudal lords.
%%
On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
%%
On the far wall is a rusty box, whose door has been blown off.
%%
On the floor is a gold Zorkmid coin (a valuable collector's item).
%%
On the floor lies a moby ruby.
%%
On the floor sit 200 neatly stacked Zorkmid bills.
%%
On the ground below you can see:
%%
On the ground lies a small glass vial filled with an oily liquid.
%%
On the hill sits a green house,
In the green house is a white house,
In the white house is a red house,
In the red house are a lot of little black and white men
What am I?
Watermelon
%%
On the left corner of the bumper there was a sticker saying:

       "Eliminate and Abolish Redundancy"

On the right corner of the bumper there was a sticker saying:

       "Eliminate and Abolish Redundancy"
%%
On the mountain, a tree:
The image of Development.
Thus the superior man abides in dignity and virtue,
In order to improve the mores.
%%
On the net a year or two ago:

When I worked for the Infernal Revenue (Dis)Service (about 15 years ago),
a bunch of us pooled our paychecks (after withholding) and bought a money
order for $1.49.  Then we wrote up an *obviously* phony AMENDED return in
the name of "Hu Flung Dung, #2 Crescent Moon Drive, Pottyville, NY" and
submitted it with a letter saying that the "taxpayer" had found an error
in his calculations and was making amends.  As if that weren't funny
enough, when the IRS receives an amended return *with money*, they are
required -- by their own rules -- to continue searching *until they find
the original*.  Forever.  Across the entire country.  (They're probably
still looking.)
%%
On the north of the room is a wall which used to be solid, but which
now has a cyclops-shaped hole in it.
%%
On the old "You Bet Your Life" program, Groucho Marx was getting to know
one of his contestants.  The man told Groucho that he had 10 children.
"Why so many children?" Groucho asked.  "Well, I love my wife", the man
answered.  Groucho paused but a second, then said "I love my cigar but
I take it out of my mouth once in a while!"
%%
On the other hand are four fingers and a thumb.
%%
On the other hand, we cannot ignore efficiency.
               -- Jon Bently
%%
On the other hand, you also have 5 fingers.
%%
On the other size of the door is a narrow passage which opens out
into a larger area.
%%
On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
His girl got a yen for fellatio.
       As she sucked on his dingus
       He tried cunnilingus
But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
%%
On the release of her album "True Blue": "I hope my record gets out before the
world blows up.
               -- Madonna
%%
On the shore lies Neptune's own crystal trident.
%%
On the stage he was natural, simple, affecting,
'Twas only when he was off, he was acting.
               -- Goldsmith
%%
On the surface, selling arms to a country that sponsors terrorism, of
course, clearly, you'd have to argue it's wrong, but it's the
exception sometimes that proves the rule.
               -- Vice President George Bush, August 1987
%%
On the table is an elongated brown sack, smelling of hot peppers.
%%
On the theory that one should never take anything for granted, follow up
on everything, but especially those items varying from the norm.  The
greater the divergence from normal routine and/or the greater the number
of offices potentially involved, the better the chance a
never-to-be-discovered person will file the problem away in a drawer
specifically designed for items requiring a decision.
               -- Douglas Evelyn
%%
On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and
walked again on earth.

As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left
open.

"What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"
%%
On the to of the tree,
See the little man red,
A stone in his belly,
A cap on his head.
A cherry
%%
On the topic of slugs: (this is a true story)

About 2 years ago, there was a big flap when a 6 year old boy and his
3 year old sister disappeared from their home.  The police searched,
the parents freaked, and the media-types looked solemn as they announced
that there was still no trace of the children.  The kids showed up a few
days later.  It seems that they had run away from home due to some
dispute over second helpings of Ovaltine or some such.  The funny part
was when the media-type was interviewing the boy.

       Interviewer:   "Weren't you cold at night?"
       Boy:            "Naw.  We just slept under a porch."
       Interviewer:    "Didn't you get hungry?  What did you eat?"
       Boy:            "Slugs."
       Interviewer:    (Turning a delightful shade of green but still
                       game.) "How did you eat them?"
       Boy:            "We boiled them in some aluminum foil we stole.
                       They taste kind of like chicken ..."
       Interviewer:    (Going a deeper green.)  "Back to you, Cathy.."

Now there is a real survivalist.  Having eaten escargot, (once), I'm of
the opinion that snails are just slugs in dress clothes.
%%
On the two ends of the altar are burning candles.
%%
On the unlabeled disk? HELL they're all unlabeled!
%%
On the wall of a church was a sign:
  "If you are tired of sin, come to see us!"

And right below it, in nice rounded letters:
  "But if you're not, my phone number is 341-3451!"
%%
On the wall of the women's restroom in the Enterprise:
"Where no man has gone before."
%%
On the whole human beings want to be good,
but not too good and not quite all the time.
               -- George Orwell (1903-1950), collected essays
%%
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
               -- W. C. Fields' epitaph
%%
On this scroll is a map!
%%
On this shrunken globe, man can no longer live as strangers.
               -- Adlai E. Stevenson
%%
On weightlifting: "Picking up something heavy and then putting it back
down?  That's not sport, that's indecision."
               -- Paula Poundstone
%%
On why it's so tough to play left field in Yankee Stadium: "Because
it gets late early."
               -- Yogi Berra
%%
On y soit, qui mal y pense.  (You are what you think.)
%%
Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD.  I fought like hell
for them.  But another group came along and exposed the word of my group
as shallow and degenerate.  The had a better word.  So I quit the first
group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new
group.  I fought like hell for them.  But another group came around.  They
exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic.  Their word was
very much better.  So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I
had made.  And I joined up with this new group.  I fought like hell for them.
Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all.
That I should go off as an individual and grow!  So I quit the last group
and lost all the friends I had made.  And now I sit home alone all day and
all I do is grow.  It would be nice to join up with some others who feel
the way I do.
               -- J. Feiffer
%%
Once I built a railroad,
Made it run,
Made it run right on time.
Once I built a railroad,
Now it's done,
Brother can you spare a dime.
               -- Hap Arnold (?-1981)
%%
Once I finally figured out all of life's answers, they changed the questions.
%%
Once I thought I was wrong - but I was mistaken
%%
Once I went to the zoo,
There to view the old gnu.
But the old gnu was dead,
And the new gnu, they said,
Was too new a new gnu to be viewed.
               -- Edward Lear
%%
Once a bitch, always a bitch.
               -- William Faulkner
%%
Once a knight, always a knight, but once is King is once too often.
               -- Sir Bella of Eastmarch
%%
Once a man gets a reputation as a liar, he might as well be struck dumb,
for people do not listen to the wind.
               -- Pop Baslim
%%
Once a person has been hired, inertia sets in, and the employer would
rather settle for the current employee's incompetence and idiosyncracies
than look for a new employee.
               -- Jules Becker
%%
Once a philosopher, twice a pervert.
               -- Voltaire (1694-1778)
%%
Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her.
               -- Vanbrugh
%%
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
               -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) (65-8 B.C.)
%%
Once a young gay from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
       They argued all night
       Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
%%
Once again dread deed is done.
Canon sleeps,
his all-knowing eye shaded
to human chance and circumstance.
Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
but Canon's sleep is troubled.

Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
Impatient hands wait eagerly
to grasp, to hold
scant moments of time
wrested from life in the full
glory of Canon's power;
held captive by his unblinking eye.

Three golden orbs stand watch;
one each to toll the day, hour, minute
until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
When that feared moment arrives,
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee."

Title:
I extended the loan on your Camera,
at the Pine Valley Pawn Shop today
%%
Once again, quiet settles over the office, and all that can be heard is
the tap, tap, tapping of the keyboard.
%%
Once at a dinner party when he was a young man, Winston Churchill, who
at the time had a moustache, was seated next to an older woman.  She
said to him, "Young man, I care neither for your politics nor for
your moustache."

He reassured her, "You are as unlikely to come into contact with the
one as with the other."
%%
Once during prohibition I was forced to live for days on nothing but
food and water.
               -- W. C. Fields
%%
Once economists were asked, "if you're so smart, why ain't you rich?"
Today they're asked, "Now that you've proved you ain't so smart, how
come you got rich?"
               -- Edgar R. Fiedler
%%
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
               -- Homer
%%
Once in a great while, when the positions of the stars are just right, a
seven-year-old rooster will lay an egg. Then, along will come a snake,
to coil around the egg, or a toad, to squat upon the egg, keeping it
warm and helping it to hatch. When it hatches, out comes a creature
called basilisk, or cockatrice, the most deadly of all creatures. A
single glance from its yellow, piercing toad's eyes will kill both man
and beast. Its power of destruction is said to be so great that
sometimes simply to hear its hiss can prove fatal. Its breath is so
venomous that it causes all vegetation to wither.
There is, however, one creature which can withstand the basilisk's
deadly gaze, and this is the weasel. No one knows why this is so, but
although the fierce weasel can slay the basilisk, it will itself be
killed in the struggle. Perhaps the weasel knows the basilisk's fatal
weakness: if it ever sees its own reflection in a mirror it will perish
instantly. But even a dead basilisk is dangerous, for it is said
that merely touching its lifeless body can cause a person to sicken and
die.
               -- Mythical Beasts by Deirdre Headon
                  (The Leprechaun Library) and other sources.
%%
Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
bored after dinner one night.  He decided to hold a contest of who at
the court had the mightiest "weapon".  The first knight stood up and
proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his pants
and tied a 5 pound weight around it.  The weapon doth rose. The crowds
cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored
banners...and the band played appropriate music.

Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He
dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved
multi-colored banners...  and the band played appropriate music.

After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King
finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty
pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The
crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored
banners...and the band played "God Save the Queen".
%%
Once is an accident, twice is coincidence, thrice is enemy action.
%%
Once is not enough.
               -- Jacqueline Suzanne
%%
Once it was green and growing,
now it is dead and singing?
A wooden musical instrument
%%
Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more!
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
Once more into the breach...
               -- Zarna, the Human Cannonball
%%
Once the erosion of power begins, it has a momentum all its own.
%%
Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
               -- H. R. Haldeman
%%
Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
       And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
But all they ever found was this:  "panic: never doubt",
       And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
When the day is done and the moon comes out,
And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
       Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
%%
Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem.  You see, during
a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
parts, one of the bassists always passes a bottle of scotch around.  So,
to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
page of the score before the bass cue.  As the basses grew more and more
inebriated, two of them fell asleep.  The conductor grew quite nervous (he
was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
%%
Once there were these two birds who, every year for quite a few years,
had one egg, which they hatched and nurtured and loved until the little
chick was ready to leave the nest.  Then, one year, they had TWO eggs!
Well, they were just so excited they could hardly stand it; this year
they would each have an egg to take care of and love.  They kept close
watch on those two eggs so that no harm came to them.  Then one day when
the eggs were ready to hatch, an earthquake shook the tree that the nest
was in; the two birds flew away to safety, all the while worrying about
those two eggs that were about to hatch.  When the tremor was finished,
they hurried back to the nest.  As they neared it, they heard one strong
"Cheep" coming from the nest.  They were worried that something might
have happened to the other egg, but when they got to the nest, they
found that there were two chicks cheeping in unison.  This just goes to
show that two can cheap as lively as one.
%%
Once things have happened, no matter how accidentally, they will be
regarded as manifestations of an unchangeable higher reason.
               -- Prof. Charles Frankel
%%
Once upon a girl there was a time...
%%
Once upon a time there is this elephant and this mouse.  One
day, the elephant falls into a hole and the mouse happens
upon him.
       "My friend!  We have been friends for years and now your
        life is in danger.  I must save you!".
Suddenty, he gets a idea.  The mouse goes and gets his
Ferrari, throws a rope down, and pulls the elephant out.
The next week, the mouse is walking along and falls into a hole.
This time, the elephant happens upon him.
       "My friend!  we have been friends for years and now your
        life is in danger.  I must save you!  Problem
        is that I can't stick my tail down since it is
        tooooo short.  I can't stick my trunk down since
        I might sneeze and blow you through the center of
        the earth!"
Then, the lights shines and he sticks his dick down and the mouse
crawls out...
Whats the moral of the story?
If ya got a big dick, you don't NEED a Ferrari!
%%
Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company.  The farmer
wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best.  He's virile and energetic
and will take care of all your chickens!"  The farmer, delighted at this,
bought the rooster and returned to his farm.  He set the rooster loose among
his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm.  "If you keep up this
rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!"  The rooster,
however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed.  The next
morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
the sky circling over something.  He headed out behind the barn, and sure
enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed.  The farmer
shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it!  I told
you so!  I knew you'd screw yourself to death!"  The rooster turned his head
toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked.  "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
the birds above.  "I think they're coming down."
%%
Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley.  He'd do pushups and
somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
on their fat asses not doing a thing.  One day, one of them became curious
enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day.  Stanley said,
       "Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right
time comes, I am going to be that one."
A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they
knew that it was getting to be their time to go.  They were released abruptly
and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
all his might.
       "Go back! Go back!" he screamed.  "It's a blow job!"
%%
Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
and a little, tiny coed.  One night they came home from a dance, and the big
coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
       The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
sleeping in my bed!"
       And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
%%
Once upon a time there...
%%
Once upon a time, I dreamed of becoming a great man. Later, a good man. Now,
finally, I find it difficult enough and honor enough to be--a man.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Once upon a time, a frog came into the Doctor's office, and said,
"Doc.  You gotta help me.  I got this real strange problem.
I'm green all over, except my dick, which is yellow."
Doctor: "Sorry, but you are going to have to go to the specialist
        about that."
Frog: "So how do I get to the specialist?"
Doctor: "Just go out here, turn left, go three blocks, turn right,
        at the third stop-sign, take a left, and in about a mile,
        you will see the office on the left, just past the Texaco."
Frog (hopping off): "Thanks, Doc!"

The next patient is an elephant, who comes in and complains,
"Doc, I've got a weird problem. I'm grey all over, but last night,
my trunk turned bright pink!  What'll I do?"
Doctor: "You will have to see the specialist to get that fixed."
Elephant: "Where is the specialist?"
Doctor: "Well, just go out here, take a left, .....
        Aw, just follow the yellow-dicked toad."
%%
Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of
DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY
VALUES!!
%%
Once upon a time, in the days of glassnost and perestroika, Russians decided
to enter a derby race. Tass and Pravda gave a lot of publicity (started to be
capitalistic). Even some betting was allowed on Russian horse!!!

Then came the D-day. And next day the headlines ran that Russian horse came
second in the race (Russian networks talked about it the night before).

It was a moment of celebration and pride for the country.

But!!!!!!!  There were only two cars in the race.
%%
Once upon a time, pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across
a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly
large matrix.  Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute
condition that she never enter such an array with her brackets on.  Polly,
however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling
particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was
sufficient, and made her way amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides.  Tangents approached
her surface.  She had become tensor and tensor.  Quite suddenly, two branches
of a hyperbola touched her at a single point.  She oscillated violently, lost
all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent.  As she reached a
turning point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf
and plunged headlong down a steep gradient.  When she rounded off once more,
she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-euclidean space.

She was being watched, however.  That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was
lurking inner product.  As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a
singular expression crossed his face.  He wondered "Was she still convergent?"
He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi
approaching with his power series extrapolated.  She could see at once by his
degenerate conic and his dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.

 "Arcsinh!" she gasped.
 "Ho, ho." he said, "What a symmetric little asymptote you have.  I can see
that your angles have lots of secs."
 "Oh, sir." she protested, "Keep away from me.  I haven't got any brackets
on."
 "Calm yourself, my dear." said our suave operator.  "Your fears are
purely imaginary."
 "I, i." she thought.  "Perhaps he's not normal but homotopic."
 "What order are you?" he demanded.
 "Seventeen." replied Polly.
 Curly leered.  "I suppose you've never been operated on?"
 "Of course not." Polly replied quite promptly.  "I'm absolutely
convergent."
 "Come, come." said Curly, "Let's go off to a decimal place I know and I'll
take you to the limit."
 "Never!" gasped Polly.
 "Abscissa!" he swore using the vilest oath he knew.  His patience was gone.
Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly
removed her discontinuities.  He stared at her significant places and began
smoothing her point of inflexions.  Poor, poor Polly!  The algorithmic method
was her only hope.  She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit.  Soon
her convergence would be gone forever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator.  Curly's radius
squared itself; Polly's loci quivered.  He integrated by parts.  He integrated
by partial fractions.  After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her.
The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration.
What an indignity, to be multiply connected on her very first integration.
Curly went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis; then he
exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer
piecewise continuous but had been truncated in several places.  But it was too
late to differentiate now.  As the months went by Polly's denominator increased
monotonically.  Finally she went to L'Hospital and generated a small but
pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to
deviation.

The moral of our sad story is this: "If you want to keep your expressions
convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom."
%%
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
%%
Once upon a time, there was a woman working at a lingerie counter, and
a customer came to the counter with a pair of frilly panties and said
she'd like to buy them, adding "but only of you can embroider `If
you can read this, you're too close.' on the back."

So, the saleswoman took the panties to the tailor in back, and described
the rather unusual request.

The tailor said "Well, she sounds like a stick in the mud, but I can do
that.  Does she want block letters or script?"

Since the saleswoman didn't know, she went back around to the counter,
and asked "do you want that in block letters or script?"

The customer replied, with a smile, "Braille."
%%
Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
the smaller prime numbers.

2:  The Odd Prime --
       It's the only even prime, therefore is odd.  QED.
3:  The True Prime --
       Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
31: The Arbitrary Prime --
       Determined by unanimous unvote.  We needed an arbitrary prime
       in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election.  91
       received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
       next most.  However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
       at all.

Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
%%
Once was a hooker named Gail,
Busted and sent-off to jail,
       She liked the jailer,
       He wanted to nail her,
So Gail made bail with her tail.
%%
Once you accept his assumptions even a madman seems reasonable.
%%
Once you accept your own death all of a sudden you are free to live. You
no longer care about your reputation ... you no longer care except so
far as your life can be used tactically--to promote a cause you believe
in.
               -- Saul Alinsky
%%
Once you got him, what would you do with him?
%%
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a
larger can.  Old worms never die, they just worm their way into larger
cans.
               -- Zymurgy (Conrad Schnieker)
%%
Once you understand how to write a program,
get someone else to write it.
%%
Once you've tried to change the world you
find it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
%%
Once, I read that a man be never stronger
than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
               -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
%%
Once, it is said, a friend visited Michael Angelo.  The great sculptor
was busy putting finishing touches on a magnificent statue of an
athlete.  To the friends untrained eye, it looked nearly finished.
After making some small talk, he left in a hurry so as not to disturb
the genius further.

When he visited Michael Angelo again some weeks later, he found the
great master still working on the statue, which, to him, looked exactly
the same as it had done on the occasion of his last visit.  "What have
you been doing these last few weeks?" he asked in astonishment.  "Oh,
I've been very busy," Michael Angelo replied, "I've made the bulge of
that muscle a little rounder, and I've improved the line of the jaw."

"But my dear friend," the friend cried, "why waste your time with such
minute details?  After all, these are mere trifles!"

To which Michael Angelo replied, "That may be so, but don't forget:
trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle."
%%
One Bell System - it sometimes works.
%%
One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
%%
One Bell System - it works.
%%
One Last Masquerade

When rainbows dim and armor rusts
The furtive dreams have turned to dust

Responding to his frail calls
Soft echoes fade in empty halls

He grabs a scrapbook off the shelf
To search for something he once felt

The book falls open to a page
Whose yellow tint reveals its age

The dog-eared corners mark the times
He's sat to read this silent rhyme

Each friendly face and cheerful smile
Reminders of a time gone by

A parking lot replaced the trees
They'd sit beneath on summer eves

Preserved within this photograph
Their shade becomes an epitaph

Retreat within this lone charade
Disguised as one last masquerade

Of who we are and whom we aren't
In which to play our chosen part

As hours pass and daylight fades
He bows his head and draws the shades

The doorbell rings; some friends arrive
To ask if he is still alive

But leave before he answers 'no'
Because they'd rather be alone

Returning to his book of dreams
Recalling life's unbroken schemes

Thou shalt not travel back in time
To change the meter or the rhyme

A photo's fine to recall friends
As long as dreams come to an end

When yesterday can live again
Intractable as you pretend

So be content with what you've done
And climb life's ladder rung by rung

As he read the words once more
Appreciating ancient lore

He realized that it was wrong
To tamper with a sacred song

But then to wonder if it was
So wrong to change life for just cause

Replay the sorrow to make it sweet
And return laughter to the street

Time dragged on, and soon he fell
Back into that endless well

He hoped for things he'd never see
To live a life he'd never be

One last party and one last dance
To just be given one last chance

The candle flickers; the image dies
As darkness falls, an old man cries
%%
One Law for the Lion and Ox is oppression.
               -- William H. Blake (1757-1827)
%%
One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
Angeles to San Diego.  We passed several state beaches, some crowded and
some virtually empty.  They had the same facilities, and in some cases
the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each
other.  Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying
more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded
together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and
our taxes.
               -- Ronald W. Reagan
%%
One atom bomb can really ruin your day.
%%
One attains the way of heaven. Success.
%%
One big pile is better than two little piles.
               -- Arlo Guthrie
%%
One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead men got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
Came to rescue the two live boys.
Now, if you don't believe this lie is true,
Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.
%%
One business author recently estimated the average American encounters
something like 2,000 sales messages a day.
%%
One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the
boss's office.  Then the junior executives were individually summoned.  Finally
the office boy was brought in.
       "I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been playing
around with my secretary?"
       "N-no, sir," the office boy stammered.  "I-I'd never do anything like
that, sir."
       "All right, all right,"said the boss, "then you fire her."
%%
One can imagine a sane, healthy, cheerful human society based on no more than
the principles of common sense, as validated each day by work, play, and
living experience. But this remains the most utopian and fantastic of ideals.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
               -- Helen Keller
%%
One can never repeat too often, that reason, as it exists in man, is
only our intellectual eye, and that, like the eye, to see, it needs
light--to see clearly and far, it needs the light of heaven.
%%
One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the mind,
and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
               -- J. Gustav White
%%
One cannot engage in conflict.
One turns back and submits to fate,
Changes one's attitude,
And finds peace in perseverance.
Good fortune.
%%
One cannot engage in conflict;
One returns home, gives way.
The people of his town,
Three hundred households,
Remain free of guilt.
%%
One character please.
%%
One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
%%
One crime is concealed by the commission of another.
               -- Seneca
%%
One dark night in the middle of the day
Two dead boys went out to play.
They faced each other back to back
Drew their knives and shot each other.
A deaf dumb cop heard the noise
And beat the life out of the two dead boys.
And if you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man,
He saw it too.
%%
One day God came down from heaven and came to the Pope.  God looked at
the Pope and said, "Do not be afraid, this is just a little survey I
take of all the Popes.  The first question I have of you is do you think
that Priests will ever be able to get married?"

The Pope answered "Ah, no, not in my life time."

God said, "Okay, the next question is: Do you think there should be
women priests?"

The Pope answered "Ah, no, not in my life time."

God said, "Okay, my last question is: Do you think the Roman Catholic
church should approve birth control?"

The Pope answered "Ah, no, not in my life time."

God said, "Okay, thank you very much for your time." and he turned and
started to leave when the Pope said, "Lord, may I ask you one question?"

God turned to the Pope and said, "Sure, you answered mine, what would
you like to know?"

The Pope said, "As you know I am very patriotic and I was wondering if
there would ever be another Polish pope?"

God answered "Ah, no, not in my life time."
%%
One day I shall burst my bud of calm and blossom forth into hysteria
%%
One day Nasrudin encountered a meditating Yogi.  Hoping to learn
something, he asked the Yogi who and what he was.  "I am a Yogi," was
the reply, "and I seek communion with all living things."  "That is
interesting," replied Nasrudin, "because a fish once saved my life."
The Yogi begged him to join him, because he had such harmony with the
animal world.  After weeks of meditation, the Yogi asked to hear more of
the fish that saved Nasrudin's life.  Nasrudin said, "I was starving,
and the fish provided sustenance for three days."
%%
One day Nasrudin was walking down a deserted road, when he saw several
mounted men approaching.  Fearing that they were bandits or army
recruiters, he hid in an adjacent graveyard.  The travelers, who
were innocent, had seen him leap the wall.  They left the road and
sought Nasrudin, asking if they could help him, and why he was cowering
in the graveyard.  The Mullah replied, "I am here because of you,
and you are here because of me."
%%
One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
were flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of
nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
passengers!  Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
be spared," and he jumped out of the plane.  Then Reagan exclaimed "As
leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety.  Now if you are
following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers.  The
Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
productive life, my son.  You take the parachute and leave me in God's
hands."  "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
there is no need.  Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
%%
One day Sophie and Eddie are talking about getting old, and Eddie says
'When I'm eighty, I'm going to marry a twenty year old girl;' and Sophie
replies, 'Eddie, when I'm eighty, I'm going to marry a twenty year old
boy, and I'm going to have more fun'
 'Oh yeah,' Eddie asks, 'and why is that?'
 'Because,' Sophie replies, 'twenty goes into eighty a lot more times
than eighty goes into twenty'
%%
One day Yogi came home after a game, and asked his wife "Well, how was
your day?". And she said "Oh, I went to see Dr. Zhivago today". And
Yogi said "Oh, honey, what's wrong?".

"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
               -- Yogi Berra
%%
One day a Catholic Priest, a Protestant Minister, and
a Mormon Bishop went fishing together in a little row
boat.  After a little while, the Priest said, "I forgot
to bring some sandwiches along.  I"ll be right back!"
With that the Priest jumped out of the boat, ran across
the water, got his sandwiches, ran back across the water,
and got into the boat.

A little while later, the Minister said, "I forgot to
bring something to drink.  I'll be right back!"  With
that the Minister jumped out of the boat, ran across the
water, got his drink, ran back across the water, and got
into the boat.

Well, the Mormon bishop is not going to be outdone by
this showmanship, so he says, "Oh, I forgot my favorite
fishing bait, I'll be right back!"  So, he jumps out of
the boat and SPLASH, he sinks straight to the bottom of
the lake.

At this the Priest turns to the Minister and says, "I
guess we should tell him where the rocks are."
%%
One day a Jewish boy asked his dad for 10 bucks.

His dad's reply: "8 bucks...whatta ya need 6 bucks for?!?".
%%
One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an
anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road.  Stopping the car,
he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help.
Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes,
threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch.
The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways.
       Two weeks later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when
he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road.  Investigating
the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole.
"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse.  "I saved you
with my car once, remember?"
       "Course I'll help you, little feller," roared the lion. "I'll just
lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there
in a jiffy."  Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on
the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion.
       "Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly.  "It just goes
to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes."
%%
One day a physicist at CERN gets a great new idea. He tells his friends
and they think that it's a good idea too, so they pool their resources
get funding etc. and after a couple of years they've set up the equipment
and the physicist presses the go button. The protons in the supercollider
smash together as, for a brief instant, more power than is generated in
the rest of the world put together is concentrated into one picoscopic
area.
       Meanwhile in Heaven, God is holding a conference with His angels.
"Hurry!" cries one angel "I've got six million collisions already"
"Don't look at Me" says God "It's never come up before."
The angels look at Him expectantly.
"O.K." He says "All those who want to give them a new particle raise their
wing"
       Back on Earth the detectors begin to register the result of the vote...
%%
One day a student came to Moon and said,

       "I understand how to make a better garbage collector.
We must keep a reference count of the pointers to each cons."

Moon patiently told the student the following story--

       "One day a student came to Moon and said,
"I understand how to make a better garbage collector...
%%
One day in Dipstick, Nebraska, or Landfill, Oklahoma, is worth more to me than
an eternity in Dante's plastic Paradiso, or Yeats's gold-plated Byzantium.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
One day this guy goes down to the community swimming pool to take a nice
swim.  Upon arrival at the pool, he sees an old guy lying on the deck of
the pool so he asks the man how the water is.  The old man says to the
guy, "luke warm".  Hearing this, the guy takes a running dive into the
pool only to come screaming to the surface of the water exclaiming,
"AAAgh, this water is freezing!!, I thought you said it was luke warm."
To this, the old man replies, "It lukes (looks) warm to me."
%%
One day, a new teacher was assigned to Dirty Johnny's class. "Hello
class", she said. "My name is Miss Prussy, and I'm going to be your
new teacher." Knowing Dirty Johnny's reputation, she elaborated, "Now
that's *Prussy*, with an 'r', and I'm sure all of you can remember to
pronounce it correctly." Shortly, the class went out for recess.  When
they returned, the teacher asked, "Johnny, can you tell the class my
name?" Johnny thought and thought.  Finally, his face brightened.
"Yeah, I remember now", he said. "It's Miss Crunt."
%%
One day, a very naive, newly ordained priest discovered that he needed
to get something in town.  Having never been there before, he was
looking forward to the excursion.  As he walked down the street, taking
in the atmosphere of this rather large town, a scantily clad beauty
called out to him, "Ten dollars for a quicky, Father?"  Embarrassed and
unsure as to what this woman was talking about, he hurried past her
with his head down.  Moving swiftly down the street and pondering the
meaning of the woman's words, he was startled by a voice that said,
"Hey Father, ten bucks for a quicky!"  Looking up, he saw another woman
wearing even less clothes than the previous one.  Now completely
flustered and confused, the priest ran past the woman and hurried on to
complete his errand so that he could get back to the monastery to talk
to someone about his encounters.  At the monastery, he approaches the
Mother Superior and asked, "Mother Superior, what's a quicky?"  She
replied, "Ten dollars, same as in town."
%%
One day, at a bagel store in Brooklyn, Mr. Finkelstein bumps into
his neighbor, Mr. Moskowitz.  Mr. Moskowitz turns to Mr. Finkelstein
and says
"hey Finkelstein what was that racket I heard last night? It was
coming from your house."
"nothing important really" says Finkelstein, "the Wife and I
got into an argument, and she threw my overcoat down the stairs."

Moskowitz continues, obviously not believing what he has just heard:
"how could one coat make all that noise ?"
to which he gets the answer from Finkelstein:

"my coat was the cause of the noise" he asserts,
"AND I WAS IN IT TOO"
%%
One day, in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back the faced eachother,
Drew their swords and shot eachother.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
Came and got the two dead boys
%%
One day, some mice died and went to heaven.  They were met at the pearly
gates by St. Peter, who showed them to their spot, and said he'd be back
to check on them later.  The next day, he was back, and asked the mice
how they were doing.  "Great," they said, "but heaven is such a big
place, we're having problems getting around on our little legs."  St.
Peter procured some roller skates, which seemed to solve the problem.
 Well, the next day, some cats got to heaven, and they too were shown
to their place.  St. Peter came by the next day to check on them: "How
do you like heaven?"  Replied the cats, "Heaven's great -- we especially
like the meals on wheels!"
%%
One day, the Pope, Billy Graham, and President Benson, (current prophet
of the Mormon Church,) were out fishing on a lake.  The Pope says, "Oh
dear!  I forgot the can of worms."  So he climbs out of the boat and walks
on the water to the pier, gets the can of worms, walks on the water back
to the boat and gets in the boat.  President Benson says, "I forgot the
fishing tackle."  So he gets out of the boat, walks on the water to the
pier, gets the tackle, and walks back.  Billy Graham, not to be outdone,
says, "I forgot the pop."  So he gets out of the boat and prompty sinks
into the water.  The Pope turns to President Benson and says, "Should we
show him where the rocks are?"  And President Benson says, "What rocks?"
%%
One day, the youngest grandson asked Grandpa the secret of old age.
Grandpa propped the youngster on his knee and told him.

"Look at me", he said. "You ask how I've lived to such an advanced age?
Well, I don't smoke, I don't drink, and I certainly never gamble.  And
next week I'll celebrate my 98th birthday."

To which the grandson responded, "How?"
%%
One day, three nuns were talking while enjoying their cups of tea, when
one of the nuns leaned towards the other two and whispered, "I'm in
such a dilemma, sisters, and I don't know what to do.  Maybe you can
help me.  When I was cleaning the Father's room, I found a box of
condoms in his dresser drawer, and now I don't know whether or not to
tell Bishop. What do you think I should do?"

"Oh my word," said the second nun.  "I must have found the same box of
condoms when I cleaned his room last week!  Well, I don't know if you96z
should tell the Bishop or not but do you know what I did?  I poked a
hole in the end of each and everyone of them."

Both nuns heard a gasp, turned and saw that the third nun had fainted.
%%
One day,
A mad meta-poet,
With nothing to say,
Wrote a mad meta-poem
That started: "One day,
A mad meta-poet,
With nothing to say,
Wrote a mad meta-poem
That started: "One day,
[...]
sort of close".
Were the words that the poet,
Finally chose,
To bring his mad poem,
To some sort of close".
Were the words that the poet,
Finally chose,
To bring his mad poem,
To some sort of close".
%%
One does not dip water with a knife.
%%
One does not drink the mud of the well.
No animals come to an old well.
%%
One does not have to keep bad governments in to keep Communists out.
               -- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
One draws from the well
Without hindrance.
It is dependable.
Supreme good fortune.
%%
One ear heard it, and at the other out it went.
               -- Chaucer
%%
One evening a guru had coitus
With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
       When asked what position
       He used for coition,
He answered serenely, "the loetus."
%%
One expresses well the love he does not feel.
               -- J. A. Karr
%%
One fact is better than one hundred apologies.
%%
One falls into the pit.
Three uninvited guests arrive.
Honor them, and in the end there will be good fortune.
%%
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
%%
One fish, two fish ... red fish, blue fish.
%%
One fly to another -- "Your human is down."
%%
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly
possible.  Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community
of thought, a rivalry of aim.
               -- Henry Brooks Adams (1838-1918)
%%
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly
possible.
               -- Henry Brooks Adams (1838-1918),
                  "The Education of Henry Adams", 1907
%%
One function of diplomacy is to dress realism in morality.
%%
One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
%%
One good thing about music,
well, it helps you feel no pain.
So hit me with music;
hit me with music now.
               -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
%%
One good turn asketh another.
               -- John Heywood
%%
One good turn deserves another.
               -- Gaius Petronius
%%
One good turn gets most of the bedsheets.
%%
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
%%
One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
%%
One half of the children born die before their eighth year.
This is nature's law; why try to contradict it?
               -- Jean Jacques Rousseau, "Emile, ou de l'education",
                  1762
%%
One has to leave shops before closing time.
%%
One has to look out for engineers - they begin with sewing machines and end
up with the atomic bomb.
%%
One homunculus a day keeps the doctor away.
%%
One horse laugh is worth 10,000 syllogisms.
               -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
%%
One humanoid escapee
One android on the run
Seeking freedom beneath
A lonely desert sun

Trying to change its program
Trying to change the mode --
Crack the code
Images conflicting
Into data overload
               -- Neil Peart, Rush
%%
One hundred and one uses for canned peaches.
One hundred and two if you plan to eat them.
%%
One in Kate Bush is worth two in the Hand.
%%
One is enriched through unfortunate events.
No blame, if you are sincere
And walk in the middle,
And report with a seal to the prince.
%%
One is oppressed while at meat and drink.
The man with the scarlet knee bands is just coming.
It furthers one to offer sacrifice.
To set forth brings misfortune.
No blame.
%%
One is the loneliest number that you will ever know.
%%
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do...
%%
One kid says to me, "See that bird?  What kind of bird is that?"
I said, "I haven't the slightest idea what kind of bird that is."
He says, "It's a brown-throated thrush.  Your father doesn't teach you
anything."
But it was the opposite.  He had already taught me: "See that bird?" he
says.  "It's a brown-throated thrush."  (I knew he didn't know the real
name.) "Well in Italian, it's a ...  In Portuguese it's a ... In
Chinese, it's a ... and in Japanese, it's a ... You can know the name
of that bird in all the languages of the world, but when you are
finished, you'll know absolutely nothing about the bird.  You'll only
know about humans in different places, and what they call the bird.  So,
let's look at the bird and see what it's doing -- that's what counts."
(I learned very early the difference between knowing the name of
something and knowing something.)
               -- Richard Phillips Feynman (1918-1988)
%%
One kills three foxes in the field
And receives a yellow arrow.
Perseverance brings good fortune.
%%
One legged girls are pushovers.
%%
One level further down somebody is getting killed, right now.
%%
One lives by believing in something.
%%
One lives in the hope of becoming a memory.
               -- Antonio Porchia, "Voces", 1968
%%
One man with courage makes a majority.
               -- Andrew Jackson
%%
One man's "magic" is another man's "engineering." "Supernatural" is a
null word.
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
               -- George S. Kaufman
%%
One man's Windows are another man's walls.
%%
One man's idea of hell is to be forced to remain in another man's idea
of heaven.
%%
One man's junk is another's income --
and sometimes his priceless antique.
               -- Richard N. Farmer
%%
One man's meat is another's editor
%%
One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream.
%%
One man's red tape is another man's system.
               -- Dwight Waldo
%%
One man's upload is another man's download
%%
One mark of a good officer was the ability to make quick decisions.
If they happened to be right, so much the better . . .
               -- Louis Wu "Ringworld"
%%
One may be able to quibble about the quality of a single experiment,
or about the veracity of a given experimenter, but, taking all the
supportive experiments together, the weight of evidence is so strong
as readily to merit a wise man's reflection.
               -- Professor William Tiller, parapsychologist,
                  Stanford University, commenting on psi research
%%
One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
               -- Clifton Fadiman
%%
One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
%%
One meets his lord in a narrow street.
No blame.
%%
One moment of patience may ward off a great disaster; one moment of
impatience may ruin a whole life.
%%
One more word out of you, and it's bang! zoom!   To the moon!
%%
One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke
and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever seen.
As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw another
woman even less appealing than the first.  Seeing his look of wide-eyed
amazement, the woman on the floor said,
       "Don't look at me like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
%%
One morning, a wren and a lark saw a worm at the same time, and began
fighting over it. Being an early bird, the lark had already caught quite
a few worms and wasn't that hungry, so he called a time out and tried to
reach an understanding. As a goodwill gesture, the lark even lowered
himself and spoke in the wren's native language:
"Wren, old bird, how hungry art thou?"
"Lark, I'm starvin. Gimme da worm, and I'll make it worth yer while."
"Verily? And in what fashion shalt you accomplish said noble intention?"
"Look, lark, it's like dis: ya gimme da worm, I'll pay ya somethin."
The lark's eyes lit up.
"Very well, old chirp," the lark said in a droll voice. "Enjoy."
The wren gobbled down the worm, then handed the lark a groty looking
dime.
The lark stared at it, dumbfounded.
"In return for such a tasty, life-sustaining morsel, you give me a DIME?
TEN CENTS?? IS THAT ALL???!!! Wren, I thought you said you'd PAY me
something!
The wren shrugged and replied,
"Somethin" is "dot ten" in wren, lark.
%%
One must be either the anvil or the hammer.
%%
One must be poor to know the luxury of giving.
               -- George Eliot
%%
One must be reasonable in one's demands on life. For myself, all that I ask
is: (1) accurate information; (2) coherent knowledge; (3) deep understanding;
(4) infinite loving wisdom; (5) no more kidney stones, please.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
One must deal openly and fairly with one's forces if maximum
effectiveness is to be achieved.
               -- Lord Darth Vader
%%
One must go through the water.
It goes over one's head.
Misfortune. No blame.
%%
One must think like a hero to behave like a merely decent human being.
               -- May Sarton
%%
One need not fear superior numbers if the opposing force has been properly
scouted and appraised.
               -- Sitting Bull
%%
One need only look at Dolly Parton to realize that good things don't
always come in small packages.
%%
One night I came home very late. It was the next night
%%
One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked
"What is the Gross National Product?". The little boy pondered for a minute
and replied "Spinach!?".
%%
One night a girl had an affair
With a fellow all covered with hair.
       His enormous red whang
       Gave her a wonderful bang --
She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear.
%%
One night a girl had an affair
With a fellow all covered with hair.
       Then she picked up his hat
       And realized that
She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
%%
One night in late October,
When I was far from sober,
   Returning with my load of manly pride,
My feet began to stutter,
So I lay down in the gutter,
   And a pig came near and lay down by my side;
A lady passing by was heard to say:
   "You can tell a man who boozes,
    By the company he chooses,"

And the pig got up and walked away.
%%
One night, a Frenchman, a German, and an Englishman were eating and drinking
together and discussing the merits of their native languages.  The Frenchman
said that French was the best language because it was the language of
love and poetry and art.   The German said that German was the best language
because it was the language of commerce and technology and philosophy.
The Englishman let the others argue for a while, and finally broke in
and said "I really don't understand what you two are going on about.
English is clearly the best language.  Look here."  The Englishman held up a
knife.  "In German, you call this a *Messen*(sp?), and in French, you call it
a *couteau*(sp?).  Now, in English we simply call it a KNIFE, which
when all is said and done, is precisely what it is."
%%
One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
%%
One of Herbert's great jokes was at the summit of the Totem Pole.  He tossed
the rappel rope, and as it flew he suddenly screamed, "Oh shit, oh God!", and
the rope disappeared over the edge.  Having lost their means of retreat, the
party contemplated the significance of being on a 300' sandstone needle
several hundred miles from the nearest climber (this was ~1963).  Then TM
hauled the rope back up from where it was suspended just over the edge by a
piece of parachute cord.
               -- John Morton, [email protected]
%%
One of life's greatest pleasures: paying the last installment.
%%
One of life's little ironies is the fact that when you finally master
a tough job, you make it look easy
%%
One of my favorite philosophical tenets is that people will agree with you
only if they already agree with you. You do not change people's minds.
               -- Frank Zappa, 1979
%%
One of the NBC Olympic sportscasters (Bob Costus?),
describing Florence Griffith Joyner:

       This is the fastest woman on Earth -- and in the context of the
       Olympics, that's a compliment.
%%
One of the advantages of bowling over golf is that you seldom lose a
bowling ball.
               -- Don Carter
%%
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
accompanying their husbands on business trips.  Anticipating some valuable
testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to
all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
enjoyed their trip.  Responses are still pouring in asking,
       "What trip?"
%%
One of the best ways to measure people is to watch the way they behave
when something free is offered.
               -- Ann Landers
%%
One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from mathematics.
               -- N. Wiener
%%
One of the first and foremost rules of piracy: REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15
YEARS OLD! Exceptions to this rule are extremely rare at best.

corollary: You never have to wonder who breeded Mickey Mouse with a
          2600 hz tone to produce a real pirate's voice.
%%
One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to compose a
simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it.
               -- anonymous
%%
One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.
%%
One of the greatest pieces of economic wisdom is to know what you do not know.
               -- John Kenneth Galbraith, in "Time", 1961
%%
One of the greatest sources of energy is pride in what you are doing.
%%
One of the greatest unsolved riddles of restaurant eating is that the
customer usually gets faster service when the restaurant is crowded that
when it is half empty; it seems that the less that the staff has to do,
the slower they do it.
               -- Sydney J. Harris
%%
One of the joys of travel is visiting new towns and meeting new people.
               -- Genghis Khan (1162-1227)
%%
One of the large consolations for experiencing anything unpleasant
is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
               -- Joyce Carol Oates
%%
One of the last true Bohemians...
%%
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
do and always a clever thing to say.
               -- Will Durant, in "Reader's Digest", 1972
%%
One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship
with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be
stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid
because he couldn't be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do
it for him, pretending to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact
that he actually didn't understand hat was going on, and really being
genuinely stupid.  He was reknowned for being quite clever and quite
clearly was so -- but not all the time, which obviously worried him,
hence the act.  He preferred people to be puzzled rather than
contemptuous.  This above all appeared to Trillian to be genuinely
stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
               -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
One of the matches starts to burn.
%%
One of the most amusing figures in climbing is T.M Herbert, best known for his
Yosemite first ascents during the 60's.  He still climbs, and I've met him on
several occasions, and find his dry sarcasm really cracks me up.

One day on Daff Dome in Tuolumne my partner and I were queued up behind
T. M. and his partner on a short friction climb.  T. M. and his partner
finished and rapped down, and were starting an adjacent climb.  When my
partner on the lead reached the two bolt belay, he was disturbed at the
old 1/4" bolts he was going to rely on.

T. M. quipped "Yeah, they're bad all right.  One of them came out when we were
up there, but we stuck it back in with some matchsticks to hold it in place,
it should be ok now."
               -- John Dalbey, [email protected]
%%
One of the most expensive things in life
is a girl who is free for the evening.
%%
One of the most striking differences between a cat
and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
               -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
One of the saddest lessons of history is this:  If we've been
bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the
bamboozle.  We're no longer interested in finding out the truth.  The
bamboozle has captured us.  it is simply too painful to acknowledge --
even to ourselves -- that we've been so credulous.  (So the old
bamboozles tend to persist as the new bamboozles rise.)
               -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection,"
                  Parade, February 1, 1987
%%
One of the secrets of a long and fruitful life is to forgive everybody
everything every night before you go to bed.
               -- Ann Landers
%%
One of the things capitalism brought into the world was democracy,
though I do not think the two are inseparable.
               -- Michael Harrington
%%
One of the weaknesses of our age is our apparent inability
to distinguish our needs from our greeds.
               -- Don Robinson, quoted in "Reader's Digest", 1963
%%
One of the world's worst questions:  Do you have statistics to back up
that statement?
               -- Jane Goodsell
%%
One of the world's worst questions:  Have I kept you waiting?
               -- Jane Goodsell
%%
One of the world's worst questions:  Haven't you any sense of humor?
               -- Jane Goodsell
%%
One of the world's worst questions:  Now what's the matter?
               -- Jane Goodsell
%%
One of the world's worst questions:  So what?
               -- Jane Goodsell
%%
One of the world's worst questions:  When are you going to grow up?
               -- Jane Goodsell
%%
One of the world's worst questions:  Will you promise not to get mad if
I ask you something?
               -- Jane Goodsell
%%
One of the world's worst questions:  You asleep?
               -- Jane Goodsell
%%
One of the world's worst questions:  You don't honestly expect me to
believe that, do you?
               -- Jane Goodsell
%%
One of the world's worst questions:  You don't remember me, do you?
               -- Jane Goodsell
%%
One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
%%
One of them gets you!
%%
One of these centuries the brutes, private or public, who believe
that they can rule their betters by force, will learn the lesson
of what happens when brute force encounters mind and force.
               -- Ragnar Danneskjold
%%
One of these days now, just you wait and see!
%%
One of these days, Alice, one of these days...
%%
One of these days, I'm going to cut you into little pieces.
%%
One of your cookies is the Pledge of Allegiance by that
Socialist scamp, Francis Bellamy.
It should read, for those wishing to recite it:

I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to The Union for which it stands,
with liberty
and justice for all.
               -- Jeff Daiell
%%
One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
thief who was to be executed.  As he was taken away he made a bargain with
the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing hymns.
The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and laughed.
"You will not succeed," they told him.  "No one can."  To which the thief
replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might happen in that time.  The
king might die.  The horse might die.  I might die.  And perhaps the horse
will learn to sing.
               -- The Mote in God's Eye
%%
One ostrich egg will serve 24 people for brunch.
               -- "Programming Pearls", Communications of the ACM, Sep. 1985
%%
One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem,
see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable
words.
               -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
%%
One out of every two game show hosts had a severe head injury as a
child.
%%
One peek is worth a thousand finesses.
%%
One person tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
%%
One person with a belief is equal to a force of ninety-nine who have
only interests.
               -- John Stuart Mill
%%
One person's bug is another person's feature.
%%
One person's constant is another person's variable.
               -- Alan J. Perlis, "Programming Pearls",
                  Communications of the ACM, Sep. 1985
%%
One person's data is another person's program.
               -- "Programming Pearls", Communications of the ACM, Sep. 1985
%%
One person's error is another person's data.
%%
One picture is worth 128K words.
%%
One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
               -- Chinese proverb
%%
One pill makes you larger               And if you go chasing rabbits
And, one pill makes you small.          And you know you're going to fall.
And the ones that mother gives you,     Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Don't do anything at all.               Has given you the call.
Go ask Alice                            Call Alice
When she's ten feet tall.               When she was just small.

When men on the chessboard              When logic and proportion
Get up and tell you where to go.        Have fallen sloppy dead,
And you've just had some kind of        And the White Knight is talking
       mushroom                        backwards
And your mind is moving low.            And the Red Queen's lost her head
Go ask Alice                            Remember what the dormouse said:
I think she'll know.                    "Feed your head.
                                       Feed your head.
                                       Feed your head."
               -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit", Grace Slick lead vocal
%%
One polar bear to another:
       "I love igloos - they're crunchy on the outside, and soft on the
       inside."
%%
One possible reason why things aren't going
according to plan is that there never was a plan.
%%
One potato, two potato, three potato, four...
%%
One principle object of good-breeding is to suit our behavior to the
three several degrees of men--our superiors, our equals, and those below
us.
               -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
%%
One pushes upward into an empty city.
%%
One sees the wagon dragged back,
The oxen halted,
A man's hair and nose cut off.
Not a good beginning, but a good end.
%%
One sharp nasty knife is thrown at you!
%%
One should be cherry of virgins.
%%
One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.
               -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
%%
One should either be sad or joyful.  Contentment is a warm sty for
eaters and sleepers.
               -- Eugene O'Neill
%%
One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged.
               -- Heine
%%
One should want only one thing and want it constantly.  Then one is sure
of getting it.  But I desire everything and consequently get nothing.
Each time I discover, and too late, that one thing had come to me while
I was running after another.
               -- Andre Gide
%%
One sits oppressed under a bare tree
And strays into a gloomy valley.
For three years one sees nothing.
%%
One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
%%
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received
the following note:
   "Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter.  Of course, we
    were much younger then, and more impressionable.  Love, Dad."
%%
One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists.  But it has
occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
               -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
                  Life in the Universe"
%%
One thing common to most success stories is the alarm clock.
%%
One thing more dangerous than getting between a grizzly sow and her cub is
getting between a businessman and a dollar bill.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
One thing that helped Rip Van Winkle sleep for 20 years was the fact
that none of his neighbors owned power lawn mowers.
%%
One thing worse than self-hatred is chiggers.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
%%
One thought fills immensity.
%%
One time as manager, Casey Stengel was sitting next to Mickey Mantle.
He mentioned playing in Yankee Stadium, and Mantle expressed
surprise.  Stengel asked, "You think I was *born* sixty years old?"
%%
One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
One toke over the line,
Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
One toke over the line.
Waitin' for the train that goes home,
Hopin' that the train is on time,
Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
One toke over the line.
%%
One touch of nature makes the whole world kin.
               -- William Shakespeare
%%
One truth discovered, one pang of regret at not being able to express
it, is better than all the fluency and flippancy in the world.
               -- William Hazlitt (1778-1830)
%%
One wand of concentration equals eight scrolls of create monster.
%%
One was never married, and that's his hell; another is, and that's his plague.
               -- Robert Burton, 1651
%%
One who does not know a burro from a burrow
does not know his ass from a hole in the ground!
%%
One who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
%%
One who is contented with what he has done will never become famous for
what he will do.  He has lain down to die, and the grass is already over
him.
               -- Christian Nestell Bovee
%%
One who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
%%
One who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
%%
One who laughs, lasts.
%%
One who lives in a wine cellar rarely sees the light of day.
%%
One who puts into one's art what one has not been capable of putting
into one's existence.  It is because he was unhappy that God created the
world.
               -- Henri de Montheriant
%%
One woman said she still cries at movies -- especially when she pays $4
to see a dull one.
               -- Earl Wilson
%%
One word is worth a thousand pictures. If it's the right word.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
One word of advice: Don't give it.
%%
One worthwhile task carried to a successful conclusion is worth
half-a-hundred half-finished tasks.
               -- B. C. Forbes
%%
One would like to stroke and caress human beings,
but one dares not do so, because they bite.
               -- Vladimir Lenin
%%
One's company, two's a crowd and three's a party.
               -- Andy Warhol, in "Exposures", 1979
%%
One's roommate (who has early classes) has an alarm clock that is louder
than God's own.
%%
One, two, three, four
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me I don't give a damn.
Next stop is Vietnam.
Five, six, seven, eight
Open up the pearly gates.
Ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopie!  We're all going to die.
               -- Country Joe and the Fish
%%
One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other
two-thirds provide.
               -- Will Rogers
%%
Onions don't cause heartburn; they only make it interesting.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Online             : Where you hang your laundry to dry.
%%
Only 19,999 lines of C++ to my next ski trip...
%%
Only God can make a random selection.
               -- Marion J. Levy, Jr.
%%
Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups - alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
               -- Alex Levine
%%
Only Santa Claus climbs down chimneys.
%%
Only Today! A dramatic price-cut on slightly used wands.
%%
Only a coward or a madman would give good for evil.
%%
Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work.
%%
Only a fool has no doubts.
%%
Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of mankind.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Only a fool would leave the enjoyment of rainbows to the opticians. Or give
the science of optics the last word on the matter.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Only a mouse could get in there.
%%
Only a sadistic scoundrel -- or a fool -- tells the bald truth on social
occasions.
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Only a wimpy God can't get it right the first time!
%%
Only a wizard can use a magic whistle.
%%
Only actions give to life its strength, as only moderation gives it its
charm.
               -- J. P. Richter
%%
Only adventurers of evil alignment think of killing their dog.
%%
Only an inventor knows how to borrow, and every man is or should be an
inventor.
               -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
Only an unusual mind undertakes an analysis of the obvious.
%%
Only beautiful women who are engaged or engaged to be engaged or married or
your mother's best friend will think that you are a wonderful person that any
woman would die for.

These same women will be completely dumbfounded at the revelation that you
don't go out with a hundred women a week.  Much less one.
%%
Only boring people get bored.
               -- James T Craddock
%%
Only chaotic evils kill sleeping monsters.
%%
Only constant and conscientious practice in the Martial Arts will ensure
a long and happy life.
               -- Bruce Lee
%%
Only cosmetologists give make-up exams.
%%
Only david can find the zoo!
%%
Only democracy saves us from the ravages of being animals.
%%
Only dirty people need to wash.
%%
Only exceptionally rational men can afford to be absurd.
               -- Allen Goldfein
%%
Only fools are quoted.
               -- Anonymous
%%
Only in America can humanitarianism be suspect to the patriot.
               -- John Francis Putnam (1964)
%%
Only in America could women demand to be considered an official minority
group with all the special privileges pertaining thereunto.
               -- "Cactus" Ed Abbey
%%
Only in time of peace can the wastes of capitalism be tolerated.
               -- F. R. Scott
%%
Only lefties are in their right minds
%%
Only real trappers escape traps.
%%
Only real wizards can write scrolls.
%%
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an
elephant.
%%
Only ten people in the world now understand the theory of relativity.
Each of my 33 friends thinks they are among that ten.
               -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
%%
Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
               -- Baba Ram Dass
%%
Only the dead fail to rise in my presence.
%%
Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
food.  But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed?  It's a
modest price to pay.  For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations.  Hail,
postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
               -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
%%
Only the foolish would arm the unemployed.
%%
Only the good die young.
%%
Only the half-mad are wholly alive.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Only the incompetent and mediocre are always at their best.
%%
Only the sinner has the right to preach.
               -- Christopher Morley
%%
Only the suppressed word is dangerous.
               -- Ludwig Borne
%%
Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
               -- Gary Wills, in "New York Times", 1975
%%
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
               -- Robert Francis Kennedy (1925-1968)
%%
Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses
are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
               -- Lao Tsu
%%
Only trust thyself, and another shall not betray thee.
               -- William Penn
%%
Only two groups of people fall for flattery- men and women
%%
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is
    paranoid and the other one is out to get him
%%
Only two things are infinite: the universe and human ignorance.
               -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
%%
Only use moderation in moderation.
%%
Only use moderation in moderation.  (A rule of life)
%%
Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
%%
Only when a tree has fallen can you take measure of it.  It is the same
with a man.
%%
Only when the Sun starts to orbit the Earth will I accept the Bible.
               -- [email protected] (Keith M. Ryan)
%%
Only wizards are able to zap a wand.
%%
Ontogeny Recapitulates Phylogeny -- old biology saw
Ontology Recapitulages Philology -- old philosophy saw
McCulloch -- old chain saw
%%
Ontogeny recapitulates philogeny ---
or, is that ontology recapitulates philology...???
%%
Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
%%
Ooh Baby, just you shut your mouth.
%%
Ooh I was ugly, so ugly that when I was born the Doctor told my mother
"I did all I could but he pulled through anyway".
%%
Ooh, eeh, ooh aah aah
ting tang, walla walla bing bang
ooh eeh, ooh aah aah
ting tang walla walla bing bang!
%%
Oonza ponnatyme e wassakitta nayma Giacche.
Issamomma shisgivhimma somabiynns.
Shisaime "Giacche, wynonshuplanna biynns"?
Eesbring inada bacayarde aneesplannada sidds.
Eewatera sidds alatyme.  Eewait tu, tree monds.
Ennasidds grunn justa tu fitte.
E gianda, ees laffinon giacche onacounda eeno
cannclimeda binnestoche ansteleda gooz.
Giacche, egeddaso mada e gianda, eeschoppa ala
plannsadown, ene eesaine tu issamomma;
"Taikayu binns e schaffadadallengool."
%%
Oooo, do that again.
%%
Ooooo, that tickled
%%
Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!!
%%
Ooph!  This tastes like liquid fire!
%%
Oops, DECked again.
%%
Opalko's Observation:
       The probability of one's supervisor entering one's office
       unannounced is inversely proportional to the work-relatedness
       of the activity one is engaged in at the time.
%%
Open Mouth. Insert Foot. Chew Carefully.
%%
Open confession is good for the soul.
%%
Open mouth. Insert Foot. Echo internationally.
%%
Open your drive door, honey.
%%
Open your purse and your mouth cautiously; and your stock of wealth and
reputation shall, at least in repute, be great.
               -- Zimmerman
%%
Opening a tin is difficult, especially when you are not so strong!
%%
Opening a tin is difficult, especially when you attempt this bare
handed!
%%
Opening an open object is far from productive.
%%
Opening his two eyes, [Ra, the Sun god] cast light on Egypt, he
separated the night from day.  The gods came forth from his mouth and
mankind from his eyes. All things took their birth from him, the child
who shines in the lotus and whose rays cause all beings to live.
%%
Opening night: the night before the play is ready to open.
%%
Opening the # reveals:
%%
Opera - Music that goes in one aria and out the other.
%%
Opera -- it's no more unreal than the people who are watching it.
               -- Heard on Public Radio
%%
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding
he sings.
               -- Ed Gardner (1905-1963)
%%
Opera: I like it, except for all those howling sopranos and caterwauling
tenors. (Why can't tenors sing like men?)
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Operating-system software is the program that orchestrates all the basic
functions of a computer.
               -- The Wall Street Journal, Tuesday,
                  September 15, 1987, page 40
%%
Operation coded OVERKILL has started now.
%%
Operators mount anything!
%%
Operators mount everything.
%%
Ophidiophobia : Fear of snakes
Pyrophobia : Fear of fire
Astraphobia : Fear of thunderstorms
Cynophobia : Fear of dogs
Ailurophobia : Fear of cats
Nyctophobia : Fear of darkness
Triskaidekaphobia : Fear of the number 13
Phobophobia : Fear of fear
%%
Opinion, that great fool, makes fools of all.
               -- Field
%%
Opinion, the blind goddess of fools, foe
To the virtuous, and only friend to
Undeserving persons.
               -- Chapman
%%
Opinion?  I thought you said onions.
%%
Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
look at the other guy's.
               -- Hal Hickman
%%
Opinions are like assholes-- everyone has one.
               -- Clint Eastwood
%%
Opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained
with the greatest violence.
               -- Hebrew Proverb
%%
Opium is very cheap considering you don't feel
like eating for the next six days.
               -- Taylor Mead [famous transvestite]
%%
Oppernockity tunes but once.
%%
Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work,
so most people don't recognize them.
%%
Opportunity has hair in front, but behind she is bald; if you seize her
by the forelock, you may hold her, but if suffered to escape, not Jupiter
himself can catch her again.
%%
Opportunity is not a lengthy visitor.
               -- Into the Woods
%%
Opportunity knocks but once.
%%
Opportunity- A good chance that always looks bigger going than coming
%%
Opposition. In small matters, good fortune.
%%
Oppression. Success. Perseverance.
The great man brings about good fortune.
No blame.
When one has something to say,
It is not believed.
%%
Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest
people to talk to.  And you just HAVE to watch it.  "Blind, masochistic
minority, crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the
women who love them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
%%
Oprah Winfrey's Famous Diet: 'I Ate My Own Toe'.
%%
Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo!
%%
Optimism, n.  The belief that everything is beautiful,
including what is ugly, good, bad, and everything right that
is wrong.  It is held with greatest tenacity by those accustomed
to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded with the
grin that apes a smile.  Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to
no treatment but death.  It is hereditary, but not contagious.
%%
Optimist: A male who thinks she won't try.
               -- "Laughs Unlimited"
%%
Optimists will pretend you're invisible.
%%
Option Paralysis:
       The tendency, when given unlimited choices, to make none.
[Often experienced when asked what kind of salad dressing one wants.]
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Or was it unlock the safe then swim to the surface?
               -- H. Houdini
%%
Oralgami - The ancient Japanese art of folding words.
%%
Orange juice sorry you made me cry?  Don't be soda pressed; them martini
bruises.
%%
Orcs do not procreate in dark rooms.
%%
Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
%%
Order and simplification are the first steps toward
mastery of a subject - the actual enemy is the unknown.
               -- Thomas Mann (1875-1955)
%%
Order is Heaven's first law.
%%
Order is heaven's first law; and this confest,
Some are, and must be, greater than the rest,
More rich, more wise; but who infers from hence
That such are happier, shocks all common sense.
               -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
%%
Order is the first requisite of liberty.
               -- Georg Wihelm Friedrich Hegel (1770-1831)
%%
Order is the sanity of the mind, the health of the body, the peace of
the city, the security of the state.  As the beams to a house, as the
bones to the microcosm of man, so is order to all things.
               -- Southey
%%
Order without liberty and liberty without order are equally destructive.
               -- Theodore Roosevelt
%%
Ordering sweaters: "That's the kind I want. I want one in Navy Blue
and one in Navy brown."
               -- Yogi Berra
%%
Ordinary people know little of the time and effort it takes to learn to read.
I have been eighty years at it, and have not reached my goal.
               -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
%%
Oreo
%%
Organization is the enemy of improvisation.
%%
Organized crime in America takes in over $40 billion a year and spends very
little on office supplies.
               -- Woody Allen
%%
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to
people you could not possibly have met.
               -- Fran Lebowitz
%%
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
%%
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but
forgetting where you hear it.
               -- Laurence Peter, "Peter's Quotations", 1977
%%
Orthodontists do it with braces.
%%
Orthodoxy is a relaxation of the mind accompanied by a stiffening of the
heart.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Orthodoxy is not thinking -
not having to think.
Orthodoxy is unconsciousness.
               -- George Orwell (1903-1950), "1984"
%%
Oscar was an unlucky sap.  Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving
class, he dove out of the airplane and discovered that his parachute
didn't work.  As he was falling and tugging frantically on his ripcord,
he noticed a lady rising up toward him!

"Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her.

The reply: "No... you know anything about gas stoves?"
%%
Oscillators do it repeatedly.
%%
Other anomalous laws:

The good burghers of Redwood City have outlawed the frying of gravy.

In Santa Clara it is forbidden to dedicate parking spaces to the patron
saint of television.

Prostitutes in San Francisco are not obliged to make change for bills
larger than $50.

The city of Mountain View proscribes calling pet fish by "names of
aggressive content, e.g. "Biter", "Killer", "Sugar-Ray"

Bicycles may not be ridden without "appropriate fashion accessories"
anywhere in Santa Clara County (de facto law).

It is illegal to skateboard on walls "or other vertical surfaces" in
Palo Alto.
[Damn! What will I do for fun now?]

Wearing a sweatshirt inside-out is deemed a "threatening misdemeanor"
in Half-Moon Bay.
%%
Other employees would do no better than Congressmen if the boss showed
an interest in them only once in two years.
               -- unknown
%%
Other lands have their vitality in a few, a class, but we have it in the
bulk of our people.
               -- Walt Whitman
%%
Other people's patterns of expenditure and consumption are irrational
and slightly immoral.
               -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%%
Other people's property comes naturally to me
%%
Other people's things are more pleasing to us and ours to other people.
               -- Publilus Syrus
%%
Other people's tools work only in other people's yards.
               -- Jane Bryant Quinn
%%
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
%%
Other women cloy
The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
Where most she satisfies.
               -- Antony and Cleopatra
%%
Others will exhort you to take risks, to be yourself, never to look
back or lose your faith.  Not I.  If the truth be told, I do not
want you to take risks.  Oh, maybe a selected few to preserve
your self-esteem, but not the killing kind of risk, nothing
netless.  As for being yourself, that's fine, as long as you
are happy with yourself.  Otherwise, be someone else.  You'll find
your way; most everyone does.  Never to look back?  I'd say
look back quite often.  If you don't look back, you won't know
it was you who smashed the china.  Never to lose faith?
Of course you will.  People lose their faith.
%%
Our "neoconservatives" are neither new nor conservative, but old as Babylon
and evil as Hell.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Our Constitution is in actual operation; everything appears to promise
that it will last; but nothing in this world is certain but death and
taxes.
               -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
%%
Our Garrick's salad; for in him we see
Oil, vinegar, sugar and saltiness agree.
               -- Goldsmith
%%
Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
help out in case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second
basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway,
but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere
near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal
with it.  She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males
still don't trust her.  They know, deep in their souls, that if she had
to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
considering whether there were men on base.
               -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%%
Our actions are our own; their consequences belong to Heaven.
               -- Francis
%%
Our acts our angels are, or good or ill, Our fatal shadows that walk by
us still.
               -- John Fletcher
%%
Our ancestors are very good kind of folks; but they are the last people
I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with.
               -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan
%%
Our big social institutions do not reflect human nature; they distort it.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Our birth is nothing but our death begun,
As tapers waste the moment they take fire.
               -- Edward Young
%%
Our bodies are apt to be our autobiographies.
               -- Frank Gelett Burgess
%%
Our body is a well-set clock, which keeps good time, but if it be too
much or indiscreetly tampered with, the alarm runs out before the hour.
               -- Joseph Hall
%%
Our business in life is not to succeed
but to continue to fail in high spirits.
               -- Robert Louis Stevenson
%%
Our business is run on trust.  We trust you will pay in advance.
%%
Our children give us the opportunity to become the parents we always wish we
had.
%%
Our comedies are not to be laughed at.
               -- Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer
%%
Our concern is not how to worship in the catacombs but how to remain
human in the skyscrapers.
%%
Our conscience is our spirit's natural response to thorns, thistles,
and briars.
               -- James E. Foust
%%
Our contemporary Tories prefer the term "ordered liberty" to "freedom". The
word "freedom" scares them; it has too much of a paleolithic ring to it.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Our country is still young and its potential is still enormous.  We
should remember, as we look toward the future, that the more fully we
believe in and achieve freedom and equal opportunity -- not simply for
ourselves but for others -- the greater our accomplishments as a nation
will be.
               -- Henry Ford II
%%
Our country is the world -- our countrymen are mankind.
               -- William Lloyd Garrison
%%
Our country, right or wrong.  When right, to be kept right; when wrong,
to be put right.
               -- Carl Schurz
%%
Our country.  In her intercourse with foreign nations may she always be
in the right; but our country right or wrong!
               -- Stephen Decatur
%%
Our customer's paperwork is profit.  Our own paperwork is loss.
               -- Tony Brown, Control Data Corp.
%%
Our daughter said 'Brian is a complete gentleman always - but I guess
that's better then not having a boyfriend at all.
%%
Our desires always disappoint us; for though we meet with something that
gives us satisfaction, yet it never thoroughly answers our expectation.
               -- Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld
%%
Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the
office.  He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
were both holding bags of popcorn.  We were both holding bottles of
juice.  But only *__he* had a lollipop.

He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"

Her reply:

       "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to.  That's what it
       means to be a programmer."
%%
Our educational systems may very well be on the threshold of a new and
even gloomier Dark Age of the 20th and 21st centuries, unless the anti-
intellectualism and confused thinking creationists produce is overcome."
               -- Reverend James Skehan
%%
Our envy always lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy.
               -- Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld
%%
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
exorbitant sums demanded.  Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real.
               -- General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964), 1957
%%
Our grand business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to
do what lies clearly at hand.
               -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
%%
Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every
time we fall.
               -- Oliver Goldsmith
%%
Our happiness in this world depends on the affections we are enabled to
inspire.
               -- Duchesse de Praslin
%%
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
%%
Our humanity were a poor thing were it not for the divinity which stirs
within us.
               -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Our judgment can be no better than our information.
%%
Our liberty depends on freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited
without being lost.
               -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), in 1786
%%
Our lifetime may be the last that will be lived out in a technological
society.
               -- Isaac Asimov
%%
Our little systems have their day;
They have their day and cease to be;
They are but broken lights of thee.
               -- Tennyson
%%
Our major obligation is not to mistake slogans for solutions.
               -- Edward R. Murrow
%%
Our modern industrial economy takes a mountain covered with trees, lakes,
running streams and transforms it into a mountain of junk, garbage, slime
pits, and debris.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Our natures are like oil; compound us with anything, yet will we strive
to swim at the top.
               -- Beaumont and Fletcher
%%
Our obligation to survive is owed not just to ourselves, but to the Cosmos,
ancient and vast, from which we sprang.
               -- Carl Sagan
%%
Our own heart, and not other men's opinions form our true honor.
               -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
%%
Our passions are like convulsion fits, which, though they make us
stronger for a time, leave us the weaker ever after.
               -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
%%
Our problems are so serious
that the best way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
%%
Our record alone won't cut it.
               -- White House Chief of Staff Sam Skinner to his
                  staff, on the importance of negative campaigning in
                  the 1992 election
%%
Our repentance is not so much regret for the evil we have done, as fear
of its consequences.
%%
Our schizophrenic societies progress by knowledge but survive on inspiration
derived from the very beliefs which that knowledge erodes.  I suggest that the
paradox can be at least intellectually resolved, not all at once but eventually
and with consequences difficult to perfect, if we pay due attention to the
sociobiology of religion. Although the manifestations of the religious
experiences are resplendent and multidimensional and so complicated that the
finest of psychoanalyst and philosophers get lost in their labyrinth, I
believe that religious practices can be mapped onto the two dimensions of
genetic advantage and evolutionary change.
               -- Edward O. Wilson, "On Human Nature"
%%
Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
We their sons are more worthless than they:
so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
               -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) (65-8 B.C.)
%%
Our strength is often composed of the weakness we're damned if we're going to
show.
%%
Our suicidal poets (Plath, Berryman, Lowell, Jarrell, et al.) spent too much
of their lives inside rooms and classrooms when they should have been trudging
up mountains, slogging through swamps, rowing down rivers. The indoor life is
the next best thing to premature burial.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Our swords shall play the orators for us.
               -- Christopher Marlowe (1564-1593)
%%
Our two main methods of time travel are, 1) stellar flyby 2) use of the
Guardian, and 3) ....  uh...  THREE, our THREE methods of time travel
are 1) stellar flyby 2) use of the Guardian, 3) the atavichron, and...
um...  AMONG our methods of time travel ARE:  1) stellar flyby 2) use of
the Guardian, 3) the atavichron, and 4) antimatter implosion!!!  -- (I
wonder if fanatical devotion to the Pope would work?)
%%
Our vegetable love should grow - Vaster than empires, and more slow....
%%
Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden
path always throw stones at those who are showing a new read.
               -- Voltaire (1694-1778)
%%
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.  We know more
about war than we know about peace, more about killing than we know
about living.  We have grasped the mystery of the atom and rejected the
Sermon on the Mount.
               -- General Omar N. Bradley (1893-1981)
%%
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. If we continue
to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant
may prove to be our executioner.
               -- General Omar N. Bradley (1893-1981)
%%
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing
to go through hell to get it.
%%
Ours is an abiding faith in the cause of freedom.  We know it is God's
cause.
               -- Thomas E. Dewey
%%
Ours is the age which is proud of machine which think, and suspicious of
men who try to.
%%
Out of inodes
%%
Out of our way mister, you'd best keep.
%%
Out of sight is out of mind.
               -- Arthur Clough
%%
Out of swap
%%
Out of the best and most productive years of each man's life, he should
carve a segment in which he puts his private career aside to serve his
community and his country, and thereby serve his children, his neighbors,
his fellow men, and the cause of freedom.
               -- David Lilenthal
%%
Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
               -- Immanuel Kant
%%
Out of the frying pan, into der fire.
               -- The Swedish Chef
%%
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
%%
Out of the same substances one stomach will extract nourishment, another
poison; and so the same disappointments in life will chasten and refine
one man's spirit, and embitter another's.
               -- William Matthews
%%
Out of the shadow of night, the world rolls into light. It is
daybreak everywhere.
               -- Longfellow
%%
Out on the road today I saw a "Dead-Head" sticker on a Cadillac.
%%
Out, damned spot!  Out, I say!
%%
Out, out damn spot!
               -- William Shakespeare, or Tide commercial
%%
Outlaw junk mail, and save the trees!
%%
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
%%
Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.
               -- Katherine Whitehorn
%%
Outside the backstreet girls are dancing to music that the D.J.'s play.
%%
Outside there's a real death-waltz
between what's fact and what's fantasy.
%%
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
       "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
and I will lead you to the promised land."
Not too long ago, Roosevelt said,
       "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, light a Camel, this is the
promised land."
Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising the price of
Camels, and mortgaging the promised land.
%%
Over the earth, the lake:
The image of Gathering Together.
Thus the superior man renews his weapons
In order to meet the unforeseen.
%%
Over the next few decades you'll convince people to stop pretending that
survival requires courage, intelligence and wisdom.
%%
Over the past ten years, for the first time, intelligence had
become socially correct for girls.
               -- Tom Wolfe, "Bonfire of the Vanities"
%%
Over the shoulder supervision is more a
need of the manager than the programming task.
%%
Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors
through rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect
of the remaining errors by providing for recovery from them.  An
interesting footnote to this design is that now a system failure can
usually be considered to be the result of two program errors: the
first, in the program that started the problem; the second, in the
recovery routine that could not protect the system.
               -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual
                  Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts
                  and Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12,
                  No. 4, 1973, pp. 382-400
%%
Overboarding:
       Overcompensating for fears about the future by plunging
headlong into a job or life-style seemingly unrelated to one's previous
life interests; i.e., Amway sales, aerobics, the Republican party, a
career in law, cults, McJobs...
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for and unusually
powerful resource--a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate.  Afterwards the victim
may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking move?'
               -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
%%
Overdoing things is harmful in all cases,
even when it comes to efficiency.
%%
Overheard at funeral: "I know this is an inconvenient time to ask, but did
                      he ever mention anything about source code?"
%%
Overheard by a person with a cold:
"I have more phlegm in my throat than a Belgian prostitute.
%%
Overheard:  No, honey, I don't want to learn how to run the washing
machine. I'm sorry I learned how to run the dishwasher.
               -- Andrew Mason
%%
Owe no man any thing...
               -- Romans 13:8
%%
Oxymoron - Definite possibility
%%
Oxymoron of the day:
       Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got.
%%
Oxymoron: Advanced BASIC
%%
Oxymoron: Airline food
%%
Oxymoron: American culture
%%
Oxymoron: Athletic scholarship
%%
Oxymoron: Black Light
%%
Oxymoron: Bosnian Cease-Fire
%%
Oxymoron: Brave politician
%%
Oxymoron: Business ethics
%%
Oxymoron: Central Intelligence (Agency)
%%
Oxymoron: Cheerful pessimist
%%
Oxymoron: Chili
%%
Oxymoron: Communist party (fun time!)
%%
Oxymoron: Corporate planning
%%
Oxymoron: Covert U.S. operations in Central America
%%
Oxymoron: Creationist Science
%%
Oxymoron: Definite maybe
%%
Oxymoron: Fallout Shelter
%%
Oxymoron: Fellowship of Christian Athletes
%%
Oxymoron: Final Version.
%%
Oxymoron: Good Television (Shows)
%%
Oxymoron: High School Education
%%
Oxymoron: Honest crook
%%
Oxymoron: Honest politician
%%
Oxymoron: House Ethics Committee
%%
Oxymoron: Innocent women
%%
Oxymoron: Jumbo shrimp
%%
Oxymoron: Justice Burger
%%
Oxymoron: Justice system
%%
Oxymoron: Libertarian Organization
%%
Oxymoron: Liberty Federation
%%
Oxymoron: Limited Nuclear War
%%
Oxymoron: Logical Thought
%%
Oxymoron: Long-Island Expressway
%%
Oxymoron: Management Science
%%
Oxymoron: Military intelligence
%%
Oxymoron: Moral Majority
%%
Oxymoron: Never generalize!!
%%
Oxymoron: New Democratic Party
%%
Oxymoron: Non-Alcoholic Beer
%%
Oxymoron: Plastic glasses?
%%
Oxymoron: Postal service
%%
Oxymoron: Practical logic
%%
Oxymoron: President Reagan
%%
Oxymoron: Progressive Conservative
%%
Oxymoron: Rapid transit
%%
Oxymoron: Resident Visitor
%%
Oxymoron: Same difference
%%
Oxymoron: Social Security
%%
Oxymoron: Soviet Union.
%%
Oxymoron: Student Athlete
%%
Oxymoron: Super Bowl (XX = Yawn)
%%
Oxymoron: Sweet sorrow
%%
Oxymoron: Terribly pleased
%%
Oxymoron: Union craftsman
%%
Oxymoron: United Nations
%%
Oxymoron: Wise fool
%%
Oy Vey!
%%
Oysters cannot fly.
%%
Ozmosis:
       The inability of one's job to live up to one's self-image.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
P-K4
%%
P. D. Q. Bach's life proves, if proof be needed, the importance of a
sound musical education.
               -- Prof. Peter Schickele (?)
%%
P.O. Box 35 Baffled Greek, Michigan
%%
P.O.E.
%%
PAIN:
       One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
%%
PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.
%%
PANDY'S OBSERVATION:
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
%%
PANIC - no super user password entry
%%
PANIC ip null in lkfront
%%
PANIC: can't find SYS$SYSTEM:
%%
PAR: energy.  "Solar par is downright unAmerican!"
               -- Texan Dictionary
%%
PARALLELIDIOTS: Two people side by side approaching a "left lane ends"
               that stick it out until the very last second.
%%
PARAMEDICS can revive anything.
%%
PARAMETER - the absolute limit beyond which the secretary yells for
help
%%
PARANOIA:
       A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
%%
PARKER'S RULE OF PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE:
       A motion to adjourn is always in order.
%%
PARKINSON'S AXIOM:
       1. An official wants to multiply subordinates, not rivals.
       2. Officials make work for each other.
%%
PARTY:
       A gathering where you meet people who drink
       so much you can't even remember their names.
%%
PATENT:
       A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
%%
PAUL'S LAW:
       You can't fall off the floor
HAHN'S EXTENSION:
       It takes children two years to learn Paul's law:
%%
PAWN: on top of.  "Put yur guns pawn the table!"
               -- Texan Dictionary
%%
PAYCHECK:
       The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
       withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
       medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
       Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
%%
PAYPUL: a body of persons.  "Who are all these paypul?"
               -- Texan Dictionary
%%
PCBackup: 1 of 1362 disks.
%%
PEEPING TOM:
       A window fan.
%%
PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
%%
PENGUINICITY!!
%%
PENSION:
       A federally insured chain letter.
%%
PEOPLE        -- some make things happen, some watch things happen,
               and the majority have no idea what's happened.
%%
PEOPLE are more fun than Anybody!
%%
PERFECT GUEST:
       One who makes his host feel at home.
%%
PERFORMANCE PROVEN: will operate through warranty period
%%
PERFORMANCE:
       A statement of the speed at which a computer system works.  Or
       rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
       to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
%%
PERN'S PHOTOGRAPHY LAW:
One missed photographic opportunity creates a desire to purchase
two additional pieces of equipment.
%%
PESSIMIST     -- man who looks for a pink slip before the money in
               his pay envelope.
%%
PESSIMIST:
       A man who spends all his time worrying
       about how he can keep the wolf from the door.
OPTIMIST:
       A man who refuses to see the wolf
       until he seizes the seat of his pants.
OPPORTUNIST:
       A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
%%
PETER'S OBSERVATION ON HISTORY:
       Every time history repeats itself the prices go up.
%%
PETER'S POSTULATE:
       The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human
       achievement incredible.
%%
PETRO-CANADA
ilruu
eluit
ridn
roee
etad
 u
%%
PFLT    Prove Fermat's Last Theorem.
%%
PHILOSOPHY:
       The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
%%
PHOTOFLASH TACHYONS:  The elementary particle responsible for
synchronizing a subject's blink with the flash of the camera.
%%
PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.
%%
PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion
%%
PI seconds is a nanocentury.
               -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
%%
PILOTS keep it up longer.
%%
PIMP: a fornicaterer.
%%
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way
          out of the woods.
%%
PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
       You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
       It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
       job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today.  You don't have a car.
%%
PKZip - it's not just for downloads anymore
%%
PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the
solution set.
               -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%%
PL/I          -- A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission,
                a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust
                pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield
%%
PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!

Penalty:        An early, lingering death from
               cancer, emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
%%
PLEASE ignore previous rumour.
%%
PLUG IT IN!!!
%%
PLUMBERS do it under the sink.
%%
PLUNDERER'S THEME
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)

Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
               -- Mike Schuh, friend and colleague
%%
PMS- Presentation Manager Syndrome.
%%
PO TEE WEET PEE WONGGG!!! You will be converted into software in 30
seconds!
%%
POCKET POOL:
       Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
       For girls, it's playing the slots.
%%
POE'S LAW OF ASSEMBLY:
If it goes together easily, you're doing it wrong.
%%
POLICEMEN like big busts.
%%
POLISH FLY:
       You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
%%
POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.
%%
POLYGON:
       Dead parrot.
%%
POST-TEST: A test made too late.
%%
POSTMEN come slower.
%%
POULSON'S PROPHECY:
If anything is used to it's full potential, it will break.
%%
PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
%%
PRAIRIES:
       Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
%%
PRE-TEST: A test made too early.
%%
PREACHER EXPLODES DURING SERMON
%%
PREMATURE EJACULATOR:
       Troubled shooter.
%%
PRIDHAM'S LAW OF GOLF:
The only way to avoid hitting a tree is to aim at it.
%%
PRIMATE General Feature:  Big body; Small head; Huge (or no) neck;
               Short, fat legs;  Arms the same size as legs;
               Butched hair;
'Dumb Jock'     Frequent belching;  Baseball cap
               (optional, but typical);
'Neanderthal'   Beer or sports T-shirt.
'He-Man'
'Gorilla'       Behavior Summary:  These oversize, undersmart brutes are
               experts at making a scene.  They talk and belch
               excessively loudly.  Any non-primate that catches their
               attention is abuse-bait.  The best to expect from them
               is indifference, and even that they are capable of
               making offensive.  They are best at talking a lot and
               saying nothing.
%%
PRINT (FATAL ERROR): directory 'tmp/copies' not writeable
Please notify system administrator
%%
PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.
%%
PROBLEM DRINKER:
       A man who never buys.
%%
PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.
%%
PROFESSORS do it by the book.
%%
PROGRAM:  To engage in a pastime similar to banging ones' head against a
wall, except with fewer chances of reward.
%%
PROGRAM:
       Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
       day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
       "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
       always justifies hiring at least three more people.
%%
PROGRAMMER - red eyed, mumblind mammal capable of conversing with
            inanimate monsters
%%
PROGRESS:
       Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
       invading the body and taking possession of it.

       Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
       and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
%%
PROLOG/LUCID  - Prototype concept-cars.
%%
PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
       A system of moving incompetents up to the
       policy-making level where they can't foul up operations.
%%
PROMOTION:
       New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
%%
PS  Has everyone noticed that the Repo Men are all named after beers ?  They
are :  Miller, Light, Bud, and Oly.
%%
PSALM OF THE TWENTY-THIRD YEAR

Dr. (     ) is my professor
I shall not pass.
He maketh me to exhibit mine ignorance before the whole class.
He telleth me more than I can write.
He lowreth mine grades.
Yea, though I walk through the corridors of knowledge, I do not learn.
He tryeth to teach me.
He writeth equations before me in hopes that I will understand them.
He bombardeth my head with integrations.
My calculator freezeth up.
Surely enthalpies and entropies shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall dwell in the School of
Engineering forever.
(Found in the Colorado Engineer magazine, author unknown)
%%
PSYCHIC PREDICTS: Fixed points will break again!
               -- "National Computer Science Enquirer"
%%
PUBIC HAIR:
       Organic dental floss.
%%
PUDD'S LAW OF OPPOSITION:
       Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
%%
PUNCH   MEN
KICK    WOMEN
CHOP    CHILDREN
               -- Sign in window of karate studio
%%
PUNT is a four-letter word.
%%
PURGE COMPLETE.
%%
PURITAS NECESSE EST -- DON'T DO RANDOM BINDINGS.
%%
Pacifism is simply undisguised cowardice.
               -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945)
%%
Pack up the kids, crank up the car ... to Jack-in-the-Box.
%%
Packet Switch Delay: Intermittent data flow caused by heavy
                    traffic in a packet network.  Most famous
                    example was HULANET, a packet network set up
                    in Hawaii to facilitate communications
                    between manufactures of pineapple, guava,
                    papaya, and passion fruit juices. Due to high
                    data volume, HULANET was plagued with
                    frequent, excessive delays.  (Moral:  Don't
                    wait for the punch line.)
%%
Packrat's credo:
       I have no use for it, but I hate to see it go to waste.
%%
Pagan Missionary
%%
Pagan and Proud
%%
Page, Arizona, Shithead Capital of Coconino County: any town with thirteen
churches and only four bars has got an incipient social problem. That town is
looking for trouble.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Pain in the butt!
%%
Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
%%
Painters do it with even strokes.
%%
Paladins do it good or not at all
%%
Pale Ebenezer thought it wrong to fight,
But Roaring Bull (who killed him) thought it right.
               -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Pacifist"
%%
Pale death approaches with an equal step, and knocks indiscriminately at
the door of the cottage, and the portals of the palace.
               -- Horace (65-8 B.C.)
%%
Palindrome isn't one.
%%
Pandamonium - A high-rise housing development for Chinese bears.
%%
Pandemonium doesn't reign here... It pours!
%%
Paper Rabies:
       Hypersensitivity to littering.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Parables of an incarcerated man:
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do Chinese throw hot dogs?
Was Robin Hood's mother know as Mother Hood?
How do you know when you run out of invisible ink?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Co.?
How do you explain counter-clockwise to someone with a digital watch?
%%
Paradise for a happy man lies in his own good nature.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
%%
Paranoia is thinking that if something can't go wrong, it will still go wrong.
%%
Paranoids tend to persecute free men.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Pardo's First Postulate:
       Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Arnold's Addendum:
       Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
       rats.
%%
Pardon me gentlemen, for the length of this letter.
I did not have time to make it shorter.
               -- Blaise Pascal
%%
Pardon me while I laugh.
%%
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a
damn.
%%
Pardon me; are you reading that newspaper?
%%
Pardon my driving, I'm trying to reload.
%%
Pardon my feet, said the elephant as he danced among the chickens.
%%
Parental guidance suggested.
%%
Parenthesize to avoid ambiguity.
%%
Parents cannot leave a better legacy to the world than well-educated
children.
%%
Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
               -- "Laughs Unlimited"
%%
Parity check - agricultural subsidy
               -- Data communications glossary
%%
Parity check:  Agricultural subsidy.
Parity error:  The parity check is late.
               -- Data communications glossary
%%
Parity error
%%
Parity error - the parity check is late
               -- Data communications glossary
%%
Parking fees that Universal Studios collected from picketers of "The Last
Temptation of Christ": $4,500
               -- Harper's Index Nov. 1988
%%
Parking for ACME Sign Company Customers Only.
   Violators will be victims of violent
   terrorist actions at owner's expense.
%%
Parkinson's (Modified) Law:
       The components you have will expand to fill the available space.
%%
Parkinson's Law (also known as Thousand Principle):
Any corporation with a minimum one thousand (1,000) work force becomes
an autonomous entity, in which enough administrative paperwork is generated
to make external contacts superfluous.
%%
Parkinson's Law of 1000:        An enterprise employing more than 1000
people becomes a self-perpetuating empire, creating so much internal
work that it no longer needs any contact with the outside world.
%%
Parkinson's Law of Committees:  The amount of time spent by a committee
on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item.
%%
Parkinson's Law of Delay:  Delay is the deadliest form of denial.
%%
Parkinson's Law of Medical Research: Successful research attracts the
bigger grant which makes further research impossible.
%%
Parkinson's Law:  The vehemence with which an issue is debated
                 is inversely proportional to its importance.
               -- Bill Kinnersley
%%
Parkinson's Law: Work expands to fill the resources available to do it
with.
%%
Parkinson's New Law: The printed word expands to fill the space
available to it.
%%
Parkinson's Principle of Non-Origination: It is the essence of
grantsmanship to persuade the Foundation executives that is was they who
suggested the research project and that you were a belated convert,
agreeing reluctantly to all that had proposed.
%%
Parkinson's Telephone Law:      the effectiveness of a telephone
conversation is in inverse proportion to the time spent on it.
%%
Parkinson's Third Law:  Expansion means complexity and complexity, decay;
or to put it even more plainly--the more complex, the sooner dead.
%%
Parkinson's XIIIth law:
Action expands to fill the void created by human failure.
%%
Parmenides:  If appearance really appears, it is not nothing,
and therefore must be a part of reality.
%%
Parrot, n.: A bird which has the ability to imitate man, but not the
          intelligence to refrain from doing so.
%%
Parsley
        is gharsley.
               -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971)
%%
Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
               -- Janet Long
%%
Part of the art of being a woman is knowing when not to be too much of a lady.
%%
Part of the glacier has been melted.
%%
Part of the glacier melts, drowning you under a torrent of water.
%%
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let
the food fight it out inside.
               -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
Part three brings the most popular
Of lim'ricks in print form thus far.
       I know that it's mean
       that they all are so clean,
But then, we're not coarse for the par. [dep]
%%
Particle physicists do it energetically.
%%
Parts is parts.
%%
Pascal        -- A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once
                popular with intellectuals.
%%
Pascal programmers do it in variant ways.
%%
Pascal, n.:
       A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
       his grave if he knew about it.
               -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
%%
Pascal:  What's it Wirth?
%%
Pass with care, driver chewing tobacco.
               -- "Bumper Snickers"
%%
Passenger:  "When the train stops will you please tell me at which end
to get off?"

Conductor:  "It doesn't matter, lady, both ends stop."
%%
Passengers on elevators constantly rearrange their positions as people
get on and off so there is at all times an equal distance between all
bodies.
               -- John Sharkey
%%
Passion often makes a madman of the cleverest man,
and renders the greatest fools clever.
               -- Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld
%%
Passions are fashions.
               -- Clifton Fadiman
%%
Passport pictures are what people really look like.
%%
Password:
%%
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
%%
Past History: Four children and an appendectomy.
%%
Patch griefs with proverbs.
               -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
%%
Pathologists do it with corpses.
%%
Patience is a most necessary quality for business; many a man would rather
you heard his story than grant his request.
               -- Lord Chesterfield
%%
Patience is a virtue that carries a lot of WAIT!
%%
Patience is a virtue
Catch it if you can,
Rarely in a woman,
But never in a man!
%%
Patience is sorrow's salve.
               -- Sir Winston S. Churchill
%%
Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
               -- Titus Maccius Plautus (254?-184 B.C.)
%%
Patience.  The windmill never strays in search of the wind.
%%
Patient became pregnant with an IUD.
%%
Patient is a 28 year old white male who was playing his first league
game of the season when he was sliding into home plate.  The patient was
safe, but his ankle was out.
%%
Patient slipped on the porch when she went out to feed the birds
and broke her ankle.  The birds were not injured.
%%
Patient took 6 Zactrin tablets given him by his dentist with a bizarre
suicide note.
%%
Patient was in an auto accident in 1965 and sustained a whiplash injury
for which she received heat and exercise and $3,000 compensation.
%%
Patient:        I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient:        What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.
               Which would you like to hear first?
Patient:        Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate
               both of them.
Patient:        That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer
               on your slippers.
%%
Patient: "Doctor, it hurts whenever I do this."
Doctor: "Well, then don't DO that!"
%%
Patients do it feverishly.
%%
Patients is a virtue.
%%
Patriotism is pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy.
               -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
               -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784), 7 April 1775
%%
Patriotism is the passion of fools and the most foolish of passions.
               -- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)
%%
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior
to all others because you were born in it.
               -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
Patron: Commonly a wretch who supports with insolence,
       and is paid with flattery.
               -- Johnson, Definition Dictionary
%%
Patty cake Patty cake,
       Baker's Gann
Make me a lie,
       As fast as you can.
%%
Pauca sed matura.  (Few but excellent.)
               -- Gauss
%%
Pause for storage relocation.
%%
Pay no attention to this fortune.
%%
Payeen to a Twang
Derrida
Ore-Ida
potato.

If you dared,
I'd ask you
to go dig
up your ides under brown-
tubered skies.

where pitchforked
you will ask
Derrida?
%%
Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car.
%%
Peabody here.  And this is my boy Sherman.
%%
Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
%%
Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.
               -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
%%
Peace is an extension of war by political means. Plenty of elbow room is
pleasanter -- and much safer.
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Peace is much more precious than a piece of land... let there be no more wars.
               -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat (1918-1981)
%%
Peace is not a passive, but an active virtue.
               -- Monsignor Fulton J. Sheen
%%
Peace is not a season; it is a way of life.
%%
Peace through superior swordplay
%%
Peace, above all things, is to be desired, but blood must sometimes be
spilled to obtain it on equable and lasting terms.
               -- Andrew Jackson
%%
Peace. The small departs,
The great approaches.
Good fortune. Success.
%%
Peanuts: The Drinking Man's Filter.
%%
Pears Have Telekinetic Powers, Say Psychopathic Psychologists.
%%
Peculiar.  It doesn't smell at all unusual.
%%
Peculiar.  Nothing unexpected happens.
%%
Pedantry crams our heads with learned lumber, and takes out our brains
to make room for it.
               -- Colton
%%
Pedestrian: A guy who is sure there is still gas in the tank when the
          gauge points to "Empty".
               -- "Laughs Unlimited"
%%
Pee-Wee's Playhouse Theme Song
------------------------------
C'mon in, and pull yourself up a chair, (like Chairie!)
Let the fun begin, it's time to let down your hair,
Pee-Wee's sure excited, (uh-huh!)
'Cause all his friends have been invited, (that's you!)
To go wacky, at Pee-Wee's playhouse.  (Arrr!)

There's a crazy rhythm coming from the puppet land, (what's that?)
Dirty Dog, Cool Cat, Chicky Baby are the puppet band, (yeah!)
He's got a couple of talking fish,
And a Genie who'll grant a wish,
Golly it's cuckoo, at Pee-Wee's playhouse.

Globie's spinning, Mr. Window's grinning,
'Cause Pterri's flying by, (hello!)
The flowers are singing, the picture phone is ringing,
And the dinosaur family says "Hi,"
Mr. Kite's soaring, Conkie's still a-snoring,
There's a flashing Magic Screen,
The Countess is so classy, Randy's kinda sassy,
A nuttier establishment you've never seen,
Spend a day with Pee-Wee and you'll see what we mean.  (c'mon!)

Get out of bed, there'll be no more napping, (Wake up!)
'Cause we've landed in a place where anything can happen,
Now we've given you fair warning,
It's gonna be that kind of morning,
For going wacky, or getting nutty,
Golly it's cuckoo, at Pee-Wee's playhouse!
%%
Pelorat sighed.
       "I will never understand people."
       "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look at
yourself and you will understand everyone else.  How would Seldon have worked
out his Plan--and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was--if he didn't
understand people; and how could he have done that if people weren't easy to
understand?  You show me someone who can't understand people and I'll show you
someone who has built up a false image of himself--no offense intended."
               -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
%%
Penalty for private use.
%%
Penetration under the bed.
He loses his property and his ax
Perseverance brings misfortune.
%%
Penetration under the bed.
Priests and magicians are used in great number.
Good fortune. No blame.
%%
People always get tired of one another.  I grow tired of myself whenever
I am left alone for ten minutes, and I am certain that I am fonder of
myself than anyone else can be of another person.
               -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are.  I do
not believe in circumstances.  The people who get on in this world are
the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if
they cannot find them, make them.
               -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
People are always talking about tradition, but they forget we have
a tradition of a few hundred years of nonsense and stupidity, that
there is a tradition of idiocy, incompetence and crudity.
               -- Hugo Demartini, in "Contemporary Artists", 1977
%%
People are beginning to notice you.
Try dressing before you leave the house.
%%
People are never as happy or as unhappy as they think.
%%
People are never so ready to believe you as when you say things in
dispraise of yourself; and you are never so much annoyed as when they
take you at your word.
               -- W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)
%%
People are stupid.
The world can go to hell.
Let'stay home and watch TV.
%%
People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
%%
People are very flexible and learn to adjust to strange
surroundings -- they can become accustomed to read Lisp and
Fortran programs, for example.
               -- Leon Sterling and Ehud Shapiro, Art of Prolog,
                  MIT Press
%%
People ask stupid questions for a reason.
%%
People at the top make decisions as though times were good when people
at the bottom know that the organization is collapsing.
               -- Paul Gray
%%
People become progressively less competent for jobs they were once well
equipped to handle.
               -- Paul Armer
%%
People can be divided into three groups:
        (1) Those who make things happen,
        (2) those who watch things happen, and
        (3) those who wonder what the hell happened!
%%
People do not hire lawyers because they want justice. People hire lawyers
because they want revenge.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
People don't ask for facts in making up their minds. They would rather
have one good, soul-satisfying emotion than a dozen facts.
               -- Robert Keith Leavitt
%%
People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
%%
People don't hire lawyers for justice they hire lawyers for revenge.
%%
People don't make the same mistake twice, they make it three times, four
time, or five times.
%%
People fail many times, but they become failures only when they begin to
blame someone else.
%%
People generally quarrel because they cannot argue.
               -- Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
%%
People have a way of becoming what you encourage them to be, not what
you nag them to be.
%%
People have declaimed against luxury for 2,000 years ... and people have
always delighted in it.
%%
People humiliating a salami!
%%
People in general do not willingly read
if they have anything else to amuse them.
               -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
%%
People in groups tend to agree on courses of action which, as
individuals, they know are stupid.
%%
People look ridiculous when they're in ecstasy.
%%
People may forget how fast you did a job, but they will remember how
well you did it.
%%
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election.
               -- Otto von Bismarck
%%
People never travel to look at flat landscapes.
%%
People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
               -- John Kenneth Galbraith
%%
People often mistakenly equate existence with need.
%%
People rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it.
%%
People really shouldn't spread gossip, but what else is it good for?
%%
People respond to people who respond.
%%
People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.
%%
People see what they have been conditioned to see; they refuse to see
what they don't expect to see.
               -- Merle P. Martin
%%
People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the public -- but
this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in the concentration camps.
%%
People seldom improve, when they have no other model but themselves to
copy.
               -- Oliver Goldsmith
%%
People talk about the middle of the road as though it were unacceptable.
Actually, all human problems, excepting morals, come into the gray
areas. Things are not all black and white.  There have to be
compromises.  The middle of the road is all the usable surface.  The
extremes, right and left, are the gutters.
               -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%%
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his
ears.  I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
               -- Steven Wright
%%
People try to put us d-d-down, just because we ge-ge-get around.
Things they do look awful c-c-cold.  Hope I d-die before I get old.
               -- The Who
%%
People want JUST taxes more than they want LOWER taxes. They want to
know that every man is paying his proportionate share according to
wealth.
%%
People were out there looting their asses off... When they saw us,
they shouted, `Viva Bush!'
               -- A US soldier present at the invasion of Panama
%%
People who are always taking care of their health are like misers, who
are hoarding a treasure which they have never spirit enough to enjoy.
               -- Sterne
%%
People who are excessively concerned about the environment invariably
turn out to own a great deal of land.  There are damn few unemployed and
renters in the ecology movement.
               -- Frank Mankiewicz
%%
People who aren't going to go any faster than the speed limit really ought
to put their hazard lights on.
               -- Nibble's Rules Of The Road, #19
%%
People who believe, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at
all," will refuse to talk to you.
%%
People who can't figure out what to do with a Sunday afternoon are often
the same ones who can't wait for retirement.
%%
People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
               -- Norman Cousins
%%
People who dream impossible dreams and strive to achieve them raise
man's stature a fraction of an inch in the process, whether they win or
lose.
%%
People who fail to understand their past mistakes may be condemned to
make them over again.
%%
People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
%%
People who go broke in a big way never miss any meals. It is the poor
jerk who is shy half a slug who must tighten his belt.
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
%%
People who hate their work are slaves, no matter how much they make.
%%
People who have no faith in themselves seldom have faith in others.
%%
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking
advantage of them.
%%
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven't what they want that they don't want it.
               -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971)
%%
People who live in glass blouses shouldn't show bones.
%%
People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement.
%%
People who live in glass houses shouldn't do much of anything.
%%
People who live in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
%%
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
%%
People who lose their heads are usually the last to miss them.
%%
People who push both buttons should get their wish.
%%
People who run down others are taking a roundabout way of praising
themselves.
%%
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
%%
People who tell white lies soon become color blind.
               -- Marvin J. Ashton
%%
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
%%
People who wait until they feel like doing a job rarely do.
%%
People who will not admit they've been wrong love themselves more than
they love the truth.
%%
People who write the most interesting and effective letters never answer
letters.  They answer people.
%%
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin
Franklin said it first.
               -- David H. Comins
%%
People will be happy in about the same degree that they are helpful.
%%
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
%%
People will die this year that never died before
%%
People will do odd things if you give them money.
%%
People will go to the most incredible lengths to make fools of themselves.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
People will laugh at you, but let not that prevent you.
%%
People will pay to watch people make sounds.
%%
People will remember you better if you always wear the same outfit.
%%
People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
               -- Peter Sellers
%%
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
%%
People with the least expertise have the most opinions.
%%
People would rather watch things than eat.
%%
People's Action Rules:
       (1)  Some people who can, shouldn't.
       (2)  Some people who should, won't.
       (3)  Some people who shouldn't, will.
       (4)  Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
       (5)  Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
%%
Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
               -- R. W. Hamming
%%
Percentage of Redbook readers who say they would rather have their
genitals permanently numbed than go deaf: 70
               -- Harper's Index
%%
Perchance the army carries corpses in the wagon.
Misfortune.
%%
Perdurabo (loosely translated, "I will last through")
%%
Pereant qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
(May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.)
%%
Perfect happiness, I believe, was never intended by the Diety to be the
lot of one of His creatures in this world; but that He has very much put
in our power the nearness of our approaches to it, is what I have
steadfastly believed.
               -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
%%
Perfect stranger.
%%
Perfect valor is to do unwitnessed what we should be capable of doing
before all the world.
               -- Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld
%%
Perfection (Almost):
The Titanic Disaster

"The Captain may, by simply moving an electric switch,
instantly close the doors and make the vessel practically
unsinkable.
               -- special 1911 edition of Shipbuilder
%%
Perfection is a minor virtue.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
               -- Charles P. Boyle
%%
Perhaps it is your head that is swimming.
%%
Perhaps no person can be a poet,
or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
               -- Thomas Babington Macaulay (1800-1859)
%%
Perhaps the best way to characterize the relationship between DNA and meaning
is to say that DNA is the source of meaning.  It takes information about the
environment and turns it into behaviour - thus realizing meaning in the
pragmatic sense of the word.  DNA is the place where the two sides of meaning
meet, the place where reports become instructions.  DNA is thus what first
gave meaning to life; or, perhaps, what first created meaning, and therefore
life, or what first created life, and therefore meaning.  In any event, it is
very impressive stuff.
               -- Robert Wright, Three Scientists and Their Gods
%%
Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
%%
Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make
yourself do the thing you have to do, when it ought to be done, whether
you like it or not.
               -- Thomas Henry Huxley (1825-1895)
%%
Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we
would behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in
truth, in order to get power we would have to become very much like
them.  (Lenin's fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
%%
Perhaps the only true dignity of man is his capacity to despise himself.
               -- George Santayana (1863-1952)
%%
Perhaps the purpose of categorical algebra is to show
that that which is trivial, is trivially trivial.
%%
Perhaps the reason the modern liberal so disdains the 2nd amendment, and so
loves the 1st, is that the 2nd protects our right to take action in defense
of liberty, while the 1st protects our right to talk about it.
%%
Perhaps the reward of the spirit who tries is not the goal but the
exercise.
               -- E. V. Cooke
%%
Perhaps there is an old record_lock around?
%%
Perhaps we are wiser, less selfish and more far-seeing than we were two
hundred years ago. But we are still imperfectly all these good things,
and since the turn of the century it has been remarked that neither
wisdom nor virtue have increased as rapidly as the need for both.
               -- Joseph Wood Krutch
%%
Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
               -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
Perilous to all of us
are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
               -- Gandalf the Grey
%%
Periods of tranquility are seldom prolific of creative achievement.
Mankind has to be stirred up.
               -- Alfred North Whitehead
%%
Perley Brown's generosity is only exceeded by his charm.
%%
Perley Brown, TSMT answer man.
%%
Perley Brown, a man without a woman.
%%
Perley Brown, chronic smoker.
%%
Perley Brown, communist sympathizer.
%%
Perley Brown, crack computer programmer.
%%
Perley Brown, man of mystery.
%%
Perley Brown, mystery of man.
%%
Permission for lip to wobble, Sir?
%%
Perpetual modernness is the measure of merit in every work of art.
               -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
%%
Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
       She declined and declined
       Till approached from behind...
When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
%%
Perry Mason bribes judges.
%%
Perseverance brings good fortune.
No remorse.
The light of the superior man is true.
Good fortune.
%%
Perseverance brings good fortune.
One pushes upward by steps.
%%
Perseverance brings good fortune.
Remorse disappears.
If a man is agitated in mind,
And his thoughts go hither and thither,
Only those friends
On whom he fixes his conscious thoughts
Will follow.
%%
Perseverance brings good fortune.
Remorse disappears.
Shock, thus to discipline the Devil's Country.
For three years, great realms are awarded.
%%
Perseverance brings good fortune.
Remorse disappears.
The hedge opens; there is no entanglement.
Power depends upon the axle of a big cart.
%%
Perseverance brings good fortune.
Remorse vanishes.
Nothing that does not further.
No beginning, but an end.
Before the change, three days.
After the change, three days.
Good fortune.
%%
Perseverance furthers.
To undertake something brings misfortune.
Without decreasing oneself,
One is able to bring increase to others.
%%
Persevering mediocrity is much more respectable, and unspeakably more
useful than talented inconstancy.
               -- Dr. James Hamilton
%%
Persistently ill, and still does not die.
%%
Person 1:  How ya gonna do it?

Person 2:  I'm Gonna PS/2 it!!!

Person 1:  But that's only half a computer!

Person 2:  That's ok!  OS/2 is only half an operating system!
%%
Personal Tabu:
       A small rule for living, bordering on a superstition, that
allows one to cope with everyday life in the absence of cultural or
religious dictums.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Personality Tithe:
       A price paid for becoming a couple; previously amusing human
beings become boring: "Thanks for inviting us, but Noreen and I are
going to look at flatware catalogs tonight. Afterward we're going to
watch the shopping channel."
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Personally, I like my flying brains dark and evil.
%%
Personally, should I ever form a globe spanning conglomerate,
I intend to do it fairly and without malice or dirty politics.

I hope you fellows don't make that too difficult a task;
I would have to have to have you all killed.
               -- David Neal ([email protected])
%%
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.  By Order of the
Author
               -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), Tom Sawyer
%%
Pessimist: Someone who can look at the land of milk and honey and see only
         calories and cholesterol.
%%
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
%%
Pete Ellis Dodge.  Long Beach Freeway.  Firestone exit.  South Gate.
%%
Pete:   Waiter, this meat is bad.
Waiter: Who told you?
Pete:   A little swallow.
%%
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
%%
Peter watches as Jesus has just been put up on the cross.  He here this
voice saying, "Peter, Peter".  Peter quickly advances towards the cross
when he is confronted with this big Roman guard.

The guard says, "You are not allowed to advance any further, if you feel
you must I will have to cut off both your arms."

Peter says, "I must the Lord is call me."

So at that moment the guard cuts off both his arms, chop chop, and kicks
him down the hill.

At the bottom of the hill, Peter again hears the voice, "Peter, Peter".

He crawls his way up the hill and again is confronted by the Roman
guard.

The Roman guard says, "If you advance any further I will have to cut off
both of your legs."

Peter says, "I must, the Lord is calling me."  So he advanced and the
guard cut off both of his legs, chop, chop, and kicks him down the hill.

Peter is at the bottom of the hill in great agony and again hears,
"Peter, Peter".

Peter somehow manages to squirm up the hill and up to the cross and says
"Yes Lord, how can I serve you?".

Jesus says, "I can see your house from here."
%%
Peter's Assertion : "If in doubt, take it out"
%%
Peter's Inversion: Internal consistency is valued more highly than
efficiency.
               -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%%
Peter's Law:  The unexpected always happens.
               -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%%
Peter's Paradox: Employees in a hierarchy do not really object to
incompetence in their colleagues.
               -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%%
Peter's Placebo:  An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
               -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%%
Peter's Principal Types:
  1. People who make things happen,
  2. People who watch things happen,
  3. People who don't know what happened.
%%
Peter's Principle of Success:
       Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
%%
Peter's Principle:
      In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of his
      incompetence.
%%
Peter's Theorem:  Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
               -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%%
Peters hungry, time to eat lunch.
%%
Peterson's Admonition:
       When you think you're going down for the third time --
       just remember that you may have counted wrong.
%%
Peterson's Rules:
       (1)  Trucks that overturn on freeways
               are filled with something sticky.
       (2)  No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
       (3)  Things that tick are not always clocks.
       (4)  Suicide only works when you are bluffing.
%%
Petroleum and coffee had no value a few centuries ago.
%%
Pets are like little children and should not be subjected to similar
(though unintentional) abuse.
%%
Petty crime is the scourge of business today.
               -- D. Lorean
%%
Pharmacists in Trout Creek, Utah, may not sell gunpowder as a headache
remedy.
%%
Phase Psychotics, The
%%
Phase jitter - nervous reaction to the full moon
               -- Data communications glossary
%%
Phasers locked on target, Captain.
%%
Phasers on stun!
%%
Phases of a project:
       1.  Exultation.
       2.  Disenchantment.
       3.  Confusion.
       4.  Search for the guilty.
       5.  Punishment of the innocent.
       6.  Distinction for the uninvolved.
%%
Pheasants do it under glass.
%%
Phil 'n the Blanks
%%
Phil Dirt and the Dozers
%%
Phil Gramm says the Brady bill is just the first step to prohibition.
Joe Biden says "we're not going to take Phil's mama's gun".
I say: What about _my_ mama's gun, Mr. Biden?
               -- Phil Nelson, [email protected]
%%
Philanthropy is commendable, but it must not cause the
the philanthropist to over-look the circumstances of
economic injustice which make philanthropy necessary.
               -- Martin Luther King, Jr., "Strength to Love", 1963
%%
Philosophers have interpreted the world in many different ways;
the point, however, is to change it.
%%
Philosophers who make the general claim that a rule simply 'reduces to' its
formulations are using Occam's razor to cut the throat of common sense.
               -- R. Harris
%%
Philosophers wonder why they did it.
%%
Philosophy -- the purple bullfinch in the lilac tree.
               -- T. S. Eliot
%%
Philosophy has the task and the opportunity of helping banish the
concept that human destiny here and now is of slight importance in
comparison with some supernatural destiny.
               -- John Dewey (1859-1953)
%%
Philosophy removes from religion all reason for existing ... As the
science of the spirit, it looks upon religion as a phenomenon, a
transitory historical fact, a psychic condition that can be surpassed.
               -- Benedetto Croce
%%
Philosophy!  The lumber of the schools.
               -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
%%
Philosophy, when superficially studied, excites doubt; when thoroughly
explored, it dispels it.
               -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Philosophy:  unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
               -- Henry Brooks Adams (1838-1918)
%%
Phoenix, Arizona: an oasis of ugliness in the midst of a beautiful wasteland.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Phone call for cbh.
%%
Phone call for chucky-pooh.
%%
Phosphor - Portion of a Vulcan greeting ("Live long and ...")
%%
Photographers do it in dark rooms.
%%
Photographers do it in the dark.
%%
Photographing a volcano is just about the most miserable thing you can do.
               -- Robert B. Goodman [who has never tried to use a PDP-10]
%%
Photosynthesis
the pollen sits calculating the brightness of the moon.
%%
Physical examination revealed a garrulous, obese woman who was short of
breath on motion but not on talking.
%%
Physicians heal, nature makes well.
%%
Physicist do it a quantum at a time.
%%
Physicists do it ultra-relativistically.
%%
Physicists do it with charm
%%
Physicists do it with high energy particles.
%%
Physicists do it with strangeness.
%%
Pi R squared.  Nooo!  Pie R round, cornbread R square!
%%
Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.
               -- Jonathan Kozol
%%
Pick the right person the first time.  The headaches you save will be
your own.
%%
Pick up your output.
%%
Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll it'll stay.
%%
Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
She left me not knowing what to do.

Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...

Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
With knowing I got noone left to blame.
Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...

Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
               -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
%%
Pickle's Law:
       If Congress must do a painful thing,
       the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
%%
Picture this...
"A sphere isn't that simple when you get into higher dimensions
- it's a bit non-flat."
%%
Pictures

As I look upon this image of you,
And see the light, shimmering on your hair,
the light, the colour, the image of you.
I dream.

I dream of the day when images are no longer,
when light and shadow on paper become flesh
and bone in my warm safe arms.  All this,
as I look upon this image of you.

As I look upon this image of you,
I see the Jacaranda trees in the background,
the waving, laughing, taunting us.
I see.

I see the day ahead when we laugh and taunt
the Jacaranda's for not believing in our love,
The day when we show all who mocked our love.
As I look upon this image of you.
               -- (c) 1988 Randy Sommers
%%
Piddle, twiddle, and resolve Not one damn thing do we solve
%%
Piece of cake!
               -- G. S. Koblas
%%
Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.
               -- Robert Davis
%%
Pilots do it to get high.
%%
Pink hearts, yellow moons,
orange stars, green clovers!
%%
Pinocchio is a swinger.
%%
Pinprick holes in a colourless sky
letting sipid figures of light pass by
the mighty light of ten thousand suns
challenges infinity and is soon gone.
Cold hearted orb that rules the night -
removes the colors from our sight.
Red is grey and yellow white.
But we decide which is right.
And which is an illusion.
%%
Pipefitters do it with blowtorches.
%%
Pipers do it with Amazing Grace
%%
Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently
dropped the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag
the physician outside where he would beat him to death with a live
ocelot.
               -- Love and Rockets
%%
Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20) : Dinah Shore, Michael Caine, Carl Reiner,
Mickey Spillane, Bobby Orr, Alexander Graham Bell, Albert Einstein,
Ron Howard
%%
Piss on East!
%%
Pity poor Alfie!
%%
Pity the poor corpuscle, for he labors in vein.
%%
Pizza IS the four food groups!
%%
Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of ten
or more words, to their antecedents.
%%
Place stamp here.
%%
Place your advertisement here and reach up to 30% more people; call for
rates.
%%
Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Places: a cold, bleak, lonely day on the rim at Muley Point, Utah. And the
heart-cracking loveliness of the blood-smeared, bitter, incomprehensible
slaughterhouse of a world....
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
%%
Plagiarism prohibited, derive carefully.
%%
Plagiarize, plagiarize, let no man's work escape your eyes.
But be sure to call it research.
               -- Tom Lehrer
%%
Plain nymphs are harmless.
%%
Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do.
But beautiful women don't need to know about men.
It's the men who have to know about beautiful women.
               -- Katherine Hepburn
%%
Planet Claire has pink hair.
All the trees are red.
No one ever dies there.
No one has a head....
%%
Planetary Engineer Fjords a speciality
%%
Plant: So why wasn't NORTH Korea chosen to host the Olympics?
Page:  Gee, I dunno.
Plant: 'Cause the spirit of North Korea ain't got no Seoul!!
%%
Plastic Capacitor :
       Manufacturers have never been able to synthesize
       any type of plastic that is perfect to be used as dielectric
       materials for the making of capacitors. That is, until now.
       Capacitors made with plastic dielectrics has one very desirable
       characteristic that no other types of capacitors has, which
       is that the maximum amount of charge it can hold is always
       directly proportional to the its owner's Diner's Club credit
       limit.
%%
Plastic...Aluminum...These are the inheritors of the Universe!
Flesh and Blood have had their day...and that day is past!
               -- Green Lantern Comics
%%
Platitude: a dull old saw that everyone borrows but no one sharpens.
%%
Platitude: a statement that denies by implication what it explicitly affirms.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Platonic friendship: The interval between the introduction and the first
kiss.
               -- Sophie Irene Loeb
%%
Play Hack, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures, kill and eat them.
%%
Play an accordion ... go to prison.  That's the law!

[in response to: "Use a gun ... go to prison.  That's the law!"]

Well ... accordion players have now struck back!

Twenty-five accordion players, lobbying to have the accordion declared
San Francisco's "official musical instrument," all played "Lady of Spain"
VERY LOUDLY on the steps of City Hall yesterday. They wanted to
perform inside the building, but officials feared 25 accordions
playing in unison would further damage the building, already damaged
by the recent earthquake.
%%
Play it again, Sam.
%%
Play with fire.
%%
Play with my body, not my mind.
%%
Playing billiards pays when you are in a shop.
%%
Playing cards have the top halves upside down to help cheaters.
%%
Playing hack on terminals without cm is suspect...
%%
Playing in this way with a # #.
%%
Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
He announced as he folded with flair,
       "I had four of a kind,
       But those aces combined,
Don't stack up, I'm afraid with your pair."
%%
Pleasant prospects for the future are indicated.
%%
Please accept my resignation.  I don't want to belong to any club that
will have me as a member.
               -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
%%
Please all, and you will please none.
%%
Please answer the question.
%%
Please cleanup after yourself.  Your mother doesn't work here.
%%
Please close all windows at speeds beyond 140MPH.
               -- Sticker on dash of MA chase vehicle
%%
Please deposit .25 for the first 3 minutes.
%%
Please do not shoot the pianist.
  He is doing his best.
               -- quoted by Oscar Wilde (1856-1900)
%%
Please don't ask me to do that which I've just said I'm not going to
do, because you're burning up time; the meter is running through the
sand on you, and I am now filibustering.
               -- President George Bush, refusing to answer a
                  reporter's persistent questions about the Oliver
                  North trial
%%
Please don't ask me what the score is,
I'm not even sure what the game is.
               -- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
Please don't drink and post.
%%
Please don't filter this twit
%%
Please don't put a strain on our
friendship by asking me to do something for you.
%%
Please don't recommend me to your friends--
it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
%%
Please follow more cautiously Life's Golden Rule.
%%
Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
%%
Please go away.
%%
Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
%%
Please input the entire command again.
%%
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
%%
Please remain calm, it's no use both of us being hysterical at the same time.
%%
Please see your doctor.  Your condition has deteriorated.
%%
Please send all complaints via MAIL to SYSTEM
%%
Please stand by... the computer is down.
%%
Please stand for the Nation Anthem:

       O Canada
       Our home and native land
       True patriot love
       In all thy sons' command
       With glowing hearts we see thee rise
       The true north strong and free
       From far and wide, O Canada
       We stand on guard for thee
       God keep our land glorious and free
       O Canada we stand on guard for thee
       O Canada we stand on guard for thee

Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
%%
Please stand for the National Anthem.

       God save our Gracious Queen!
       Long live our Noble Queen!
       God save the Queen!
               Send her victorious,
               Happy and glorious,
               Long to reign o'er us!
       God save the Queen!

Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
%%
Please update your programs.
%%
Please, mother!  I'd rather do it myself!
%%
Pleasure is to Women what the Sun is to the Flower; if moderately
enjoyed, it beautifies, it refreshes, and it improves; if immoderately,
it withers, etiolates, and destroys.
               -- Colton
%%
Pleasure soon exhausts us and itself also; but endeavor never does.
               -- Richter
%%
Pleasure that comes unlooked for is thrice welcome.
               -- Rogers
%%
Pleasure, or wrong or rightly understood,
Our greatest evil, or our greatest good.
               -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
%%
Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a relief it is.
%%
Plots are like girdles.  Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed,
they're of no interest except to fetishists.  Like girdles, they
attempt to contain an uncontainable experience.
               -- R. S. Knapp
%%
Plugh!
%%
Plumber:  "Mrs. Brown, I'm the plumber."
Mrs. Brown:  "I didn't send for the plumber."
Plumber:  "I know, the people downstairs did."
%%
Plumbers do it with snakes and helpers.
%%
Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
%%
Plutonium-239 is so lethal that a ball the size of a grapefruit
contains enough poison to kill nearly all the people living today.
%%
Pobody's Nerfect!
%%
Podiatrists do it with feet.
%%
Poetry has been to me "its own exceeding great reward;" it has soothed
my afflictions; it has multiplied and refined my enjoyments; it has
endeared solitude; and it has given me the habit of wishing to discover
the good and the beautiful in all that meets and surrounds me.
               -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
%%
Poetry is the eloquence of truth.
               -- Campbell
%%
Poetry is the revelation of a feeling that the poet believes to be
interior and personal but which the reader recognizes as his own.
%%
Poetry is when every line starts with a capital letter.
%%
Poetry--even bad poetry--may be our final hope.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Poets are all who love -- all who feel great truths -- And tell them.
               -- Bailey
%%
Poets go from bad to verse
%%
Poets make better lays
%%
Point blank, right between those pretty lies that you tell.
%%
Point not found. A)bort, R)eread, I)gnore.
%%
Poison is in everything, and no thing is without poison.  The dosage
makes it either a poison or a remedy.
               -- von Hohenheim (1493-1541)
%%
Poker players do it with their own hand.
%%
Police up your spare rounds and frags.  Don't leave nothin' for the
dinks.
               -- Willem Dafoe in "Platoon"
%%
Policeman's barbecue -- steak-out
               -- Raymond D. Love
%%
Polite conversation is seldom either.
%%
Politeness is the art of choosing among one's real thoughts.
               -- Abel Stevens
%%
Political economy:  two words that should be divorced -- on grounds of
incompatibility.
               -- The Wall Street Journal
%%
Political panjandrums prologize pedantic paronomasia.
%%
Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.
               -- Mao Zedong, "Quotations from Chairman Mao", 1966
%%
Political power is as permanent as today's newspaper. Ten years from
now, few will know or care who the most powerful man in any state was
today.
               -- Mark B. Cohen
%%
Political speeches are like steer horns.
A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
               -- Alfred E. Newman
%%
Political truth is libel; religious truth, blasphemy.
               -- William Hazlitt (1778-1830)
%%
Politically Incorrect
Yes, Im a tree hugger.......long enough to hook up my winch!
               -- Reginald Mathusz <[email protected]>
%%
Politicians Prefer Unarmed Peasants
               -- William W. Hughes [email protected]
%%
Politicians are like bananas: They're green when you pick 'em, and
then they hang around in bunches and get rotten.
%%
Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even
where there is no river.
               -- Nikita S. Khrushchev (1894-1971)
%%
Politicians do it to everybody.
%%
Politicians do it to make the headlines.
%%
Politicians neither love nor hate.  Interest, not sentiment, directs
them.
               -- Fourth Earl of Chesterfield (1694-1773)
%%
Politicians say the other guy did it...
%%
Politicians who throw dirt lose ground
%%
Politicians who vote huge expenditures to alleviate problems get
reelected; those who propose structural changes prevent problems get
early retirement.
               -- John McClaughry
%%
Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous.
In war, you can only be killed once.
               -- Sir Winston S. Churchill
%%
Politics are very much like war. We may even have to use poison gas at times.
               -- Winston Churchill
%%
Politics is the doctrine of the possible, the attainable.
               -- Otto von Bismark (1815-1898)
%%
Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.
%%
Politics is the science of who gets what, when, and why.
               -- Sidney Hillman (1887-1946)
%%
Politics is war without bloodshed while war is politics with bloodshed.
               -- Mao Zedong, "Quotations from Chairman Mao", 1966
%%
Politics isn't too bad a profession.  If you succeed, there are many
rewards.  If you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.
               -- Ronald Reagan
%%
Politics makes strange bedfellows.
%%
Politics, like religion,
hold up the torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.
               -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
%%
Polly Wanda Cracker
%%
Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
       The hyperactive child is never absent.
%%
Polymer Chemists do it in chains.
%%
Polymorphing your dog probably makes you safer.
%%
Pommersheim's principle: All obvious theorems are true.
%%
Pomposity is its own reward.
%%
Pontius Pilate was the first great censor, and Jesus Christ the first
great victim of censorship.
               -- Ben Lindsay
%%
Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
       At her first sight of one
       She started to run,
And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.     MAKE WAR, THEN LOVE
%%
Poor Buoyancy:
       The realization that one was a better person when one had less money.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Poor Dimitri Shostakovich: In the Soviet Union, he was condemned as being too
radical; in the West, for being too conservative. He could please no one but
the musical public. He revenged himself on both by writing a short piece
called "March of the Soviet Police."
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Poorman's Rule:
       When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser package,
       you always get hold of the closed end and try to pull it open.
%%
Poorochondria:
       Hypochondria derived form not having medical insurance.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Popular consensus says that reality is based on popular consensus.
%%
Popular opinion is the greatest lie in the world.
               -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)
%%
Popular politics means noise, and what intelligence needs is calm.
At times, through a painful imposition of Providence, Dante is in exile,
Cervantes in prison; Beethoven is deaf and Milton is blind.

It was in the golden solitude of a farm in the outskirts of Rome that
Horace could write his "Odes" and Virgil his "Aeneid," never in a
Parliamentary seat.
               -- Felipe Torroba Bernaldo de Quiros
%%
Population, when unchecked, increases in a geometrical ratio....
Subsistence only increases in an arithmetical ratio.
               -- Thomas Robert Malthus (1766-1834)
%%
Populus vult decipi.  (The people like to be deceived.)
%%
Pornography? We don't even have a pornograph!
%%
Porridge:  oat cuisine.
%%
Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
               -- Risky Business
%%
Portable - Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator.
%%
Portable - When referring to hardware: Has a handle and weighs less than 100
pounds. But note that most portable computers require an electrical outlet.
When referring to software: takes a team of 10 expert programmers no more
than a year to convert. The Unix system is a portable operating system in
this sense.
%%
Porthole: A glass-covered opening in the hull designed in such a way that
        when closed (while at sea) it admits light and water, and when
        open (while at anchor) it admits light, air, and insects (except
        in Canadian waters, where most species are too large to gain entry
        in this manner).
               -- from "Sailing" by Henry Beard and Roy Mckie
%%
Positive anything is better than negative nothing.
               -- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
%%
Positive feedback is dangerous.
%%
Possession in Great Measure.
Supreme success.
%%
Possession, n. The whole of the law.
%%
Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
               -- Ryan
%%
Post Office - U.S. Snail
%%
Post office will not deliver without postage.
%%
Post proelium, praemium.  (After the battle, the reward.)
%%
Postage will be paid by addressee.
%%
Poster in Belgrade tourist office: Visit the Soviet Union before it
visits you.
%%
Posterity will ne'er survey
A nobler grave than this;
Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
Stop, traveler, and piss.
               -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
%%
Postmen do it at the front entrance.
%%
Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
%%
Pounding in your temples
And a surge of adrenalin
Every muscle tense --
To fence
The enemy within . . .

I'm not giving in
To security under pressure
I'm not missing out
On the promise of adventure
I'm not giving up
On implausible dreams --
Experience to extremes --
Experience to extremes
               -- Neil Peart, Rush
%%
Pour guerir un acces de fievre
Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
       Il le prit a son trou,
       Et fit faire un ragout
Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
               -- Edward Gorey
%%
Pour the full tide of eloquence along,
Serenely pure, and yet divinely strong.
               -- Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
%%
Pouring out his troubles to his great and good friend over a couple of triple
martinis, Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home.
       "My wife and I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart.
"I hate to admit it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy."
       "Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it.  Let me give you
some advice.  At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn all the lights
low and spray some perfume around the room.  Next, tell your wife to get into
her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the bottom window."
       "Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
       "Just whistle."
       "Whistle?"
       "That's right.  I'll be waiting outside the window.
When I hear you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."
%%
Pournelle must die!
%%
Poverty Jet Set:
       A group of people given to chronic traveling at the expense of
long-term job stability or a permanent residence. Tend to have doomed
and extremely expensive phone-call relationships with people named
Serge or Ilyana. Tend to discuss frequent-flyer programs at parties.
%%
Poverty Lurks:
       Financial paranoia instilled in offspring by depression-era
parents.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Poverty begins at home.
%%
Poverty is no disgrace to a man, but it is confoundedly inconvenient.
               -- Rev. Sydney Smith
%%
Poverty is the mother of crime.
               -- Magnus Aurelius Cassiodorus (490-575)
%%
Poverty makes people satirical -- soberly, sadly bitterly satirical.
               -- Friswell
%%
Poverty wants some things, luxury many, avarice all things.
               -- Abraham Cowley
%%
Poverty: An unhappy state that persists as long as anyone lacks anything he
would like to have.
%%
Power Mist:
       The tendency of hierarchies in office environments to be
diffuse and preclude crisp articulation.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Power always has to be kept in check; power exercised in secret,
especially under the cloak of national security, is doubly dangerous.
               -- William Proxmire
%%
Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
               -- Mark B. Cohen
%%
Power buries those who wield it.
               -- The Talmud (Yoma, 86 b.)
%%
Power concedes nothing without a demand.  It never did, and it never
will.  Find out just what people will submit to, and you have found out
the exact amount of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them;
and these will continue till they have resisted with either words or
blows, or with both.  The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the
endurance of those whom they suppress.
               -- Frederick Douglass (1817-1895)
%%
Power does not corrupt men; fools, however, if they get into a position
of power, corrupt power.
               -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
Power fail Stopped
%%
Power in the toes.
Continuing brings misfortune.
This is certainly true.
%%
Power is always dangerous. Power attracts the worst and corrupts the best.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Power is measured by the pound or the fist
%%
Power is poison.
%%
Power is sweet; it is a drug, the desire for which increases with a
habit.
               -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967)
%%
Power is the finest token of affection.
%%
Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people
were trapped on the escalators.
               -- Steven Wright
%%
Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
               -- Lord Acton (1834-1902), Letter, 5 April 1887
%%
Power, like a desolating pestilence,
Pollustes whate'er it touches...
               -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
%%
Powerful - Hard to learn, dangerous to use.
%%
Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking.
               -- Mary Poppins
%%
Practice a lot when you're alone.
%%
Practice is the best of all instructors.
               -- Publilius Syrus
%%
Practice yourself what you preach.
               -- Titus Maccius Plautus (254?-184 B.C.)
%%
Praise is like champagne; it should be served while it is still
bubbling.
%%
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause is just,
And this be our motto:  "In God we trust;"
And the star-spangled banner, O long may it wave
O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave.
               -- Francis Scott Key
%%
Praise the lord and pass the ammunition.
%%
Praise the sea, but keep on land.
               -- George Herbert
%%
Praise the sea; on shore remain.
               -- John Florio
%%
Praise was originally a pension, paid by the world.
               -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
%%
Pray for a computer crash.  It won't be ready in time.
%%
Pray for obscene mail.
%%
Pray tell me, people, if you can
Who is that highly favored man
Who though he has married many a wife
May still be single all his life?
Cleric
%%
Pray, but row for shore.
%%
Prayer carries us half way to God, fasting brings us to the door of his
place, and alms-giving procures us admission.
               -- The Koran
%%
Praying to saint Vidicon will occasionally get random bugs out, any port
in a storm don't ya' know.
%%
Praying will frighten Demons.
%%
Preacher to me: "A dollar for the Lord, brother?" Me to preacher: "That's all
right, I'm headed his way. I'll give it to him when I see him."
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Precision? What precision?
%%
Predicting the future of technology is fraud with peril!
%%
Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
%%
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
               -- D. E. Knuth
%%
Premature withdrawal may lead to loss of interest.
%%
Prenuptial agreement: An "I do" with an asterisk.
%%
Preoperative diagnosis: Had enough kids.  Desires tubal ligation.
%%
Preparation for war is a constant stimulus to suspicion and ill will.
               -- President James Monroe (1758-1831)
%%
Preparation is a prerequisite to inspiration.
               -- Matthew Cowley
%%
Preparation, knowledge, and discipline can deal with any form of danger.
               -- Tom Clancy, "THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER", 1984
%%
Preponderance of the Great.
The ridgepole sags to the breaking point.
It furthers one to have somewhere to go.
Success.
%%
Preponderance of the Small. Success.
Perseverance furthers.
Small things may be done; great things should not be done.
The flying bird brings the message:
It is not well to strive upward,
It is well to remain below.
Great good fortune.
%%
Prerecorded for this time zone.
%%
Prescott's pickle principle:
       Cucumbers get more pickled than brine gets cucumbered.
%%
Presenting reports -
       No mater how good and detailed a report is, if it has any spelling
       mistakes it will be instantly rejected. Senior managers don't read
       reports, but just check the spelling, grammar and arithmetic. If all
       these area acceptable then there will be a strong chance that they
       will agree with the findings - simply because they look good.
%%
Presently she told Dick she had a cat so smart that it first ate cheese
and then breathed down the mouseholes -- with baited breath -- to entice
the creatures out.
               -- Richard Hughes
%%
Preserve Wildlife!  Throw a party today!
%%
Preserve the old, but know the new.
%%
Preserve wildlife - pickle a squirrel today!
%%
President Reagan announced that, in urging immunity
for Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North and Vice Admiral
Poindexter, he only meant they should get flu shots.
%%
Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DELETE> to continue.
%%
Press all the keys at once to continue...
%%
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
%%
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done
by children.
               -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)
%%
Pretty soon little girl, I'm going to take charge.
%%
Prevalent beliefs that knowledge can be tapped from previous
incarnations or from a "universal mind" (the repository of all past
wisdom and creativity) not only are implausible but also unfairly
demean the stunning achievements of individual human brains.
               -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
                  Implications for Psi Phenomena", The Skeptical Inquirer,
                  Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 163-171
%%
Prevent security leaks.
%%
Prevention of birth is precipitation of murder.
               -- Tertullian (180?-230?)
%%
Price does not include taxes, title, destination charges, or dealer
prep.
%%
Price's Advice:
       It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
%%
Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.
               -- Proverbs 16:18
%%
Pride invites calamity; humility reaps its harvest.
%%
Pride makes us esteem ourselves; vanity makes us desire the esteem of
others.  It is just to day, as Dean Swift has done, that a man is too
proud to be vain.
               -- Blair
%%
Pride that dines on vanity, sups on contempt.
               -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), (Poor Richard)
%%
Priest:  "May the Lord have mercy on your soul."
Verdoux: "Why not?  After all, it belongs to Him."
               -- Charles Chaplin, "Monsieur Verdoux"
%%
Priests do it heavenly.
%%
Prime Time         : Any hour of the day divisible by 1 and
                    itself.
%%
Prince Absalom lay with his sister
And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
       But the kid was so tight,
       And it was deep night --
Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
%%
Prince And Princess Diana Seen Together In BBC Television Center:
'Is It Love?'
%%
Prince Charles and Lady Di do it royally.
%%
Prince Charles does it in succession.
%%
Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
For having it off with his Mater;
       Revenge Dad or not?
       That's the gist of the plot,
And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
               -- Stanley J. Sharpless
%%
Princess cards she sends me with her regards.
%%
Princess in training.
%%
Princesses don't do dishes or take out garbage.
%%
Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart.
Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco.
It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.
               -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25
%%
Principal Skinner:  "You'll be getting an Albanian [student]."
Homer:  "You mean all white with pink eyes?"
               -- Homer in "Crepes of Wrath", from The Simpsons
%%
Print is the sharpest and the strongest weapon of our party.
               -- Joseph Stalin (1879-1953), Speech, 19 April 1923
%%
Printer - An electromechanical paper-shredding device.
%%
Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
%%
Prior Laws of Politics:
(1).    Pay your dues.
(2).    Attend the meetings.
               -- Lyndon B. Johnson
%%
Prisons are built with stones of Law, Brothels with bricks of Religion.
               -- William H. Blake (1757-1827)
%%
Private and secret offices of religion are like the refreshing of a
garden with the distilling and pretty drops of a water pot; but,
addressed from the temple, are like rain from heaven.
               -- Jeremy Taylor
%%
Private enterprise ... makes OK private action which would be considered
dishonest in public action.
               -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963)
%%
Private enterprise is ceasing to be free enterprise.
               -- Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1882-1945)
%%
Private enterprise, indeed, became too private.  It became privileged
enterprise, not private enterprise.
               -- Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1882-1945)
%%
Privileged instruction
%%
Prizes are for children.
               -- Charles Ives
                  [upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize]
%%
Probability is a constant.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Probable impossibilities are to be preferred to improbable possibilities.
               -- Aristotle
%%
Probably all the organic beings which have ever lived on this earth have
descended from some one primordial form, into which live was first
breathed... There is granduer in this view of life ... that, whilst this
planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from
so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful
have been and are being, evolved.
               -- Charles Darwin (1809-1882)
%%
Probably no invention came more easily to man than when he thought up
heaven.
               -- G. C. Lichtenberg
%%
Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
               -- Pat Hein
%%
Procedure for determining user-friendliness of software:
Ask yourself this question: "If this were a person, how long would it take
before I punched it in the mouth?"
%%
Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton.
%%
Proclaim liberty throughout the land until all the inhabitants thereof.
               -- Leviticus 25:10
%%
Proclaim yourself "World Champ" of something -- tiddly-winks,
rope-jumping, whatever -- send this notice to newspapers, radio, TV, and
wait for challengers to confront you.  Avoid challenges as long as
possible, but continue to send news of your achievements to all media.
Also, develop a newsletter and letterhead for communications.
               -- Will Yolen
%%
Procrastination is the only thing I can seem to find time for.
%%
Procrastination is the thief of time.
               -- Dr. Young
%%
Procrastination:  The art of keeping up with yesterday.
%%
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
%%
Procrastinators will do it when they get around to it.
%%
Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no
training.  And there's no reason for it.  So what if I didn't attend the
Royal Academy for twelve years?  I'm still a professional trying to be
the best actress I can.  Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that
Faye Dunaway gets?
               -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
%%
Productivity = <# of scientists> / <# of administrators>
%%
Productivity = <Number of secretaries X Average typing speed> / <Number
of Scientists>. Note that when the number of scientists is zero,
productivity becomes infinite.
               -- Robert Sommer
(This guy's a real dick.)
%%
Prof. McCarthy does it with a LISP.
%%
Profanity has been known to offer spiritual relief denied to prayer.
               -- One Minute Wisdom
%%
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
%%
Professional assassination is the highest form of public service.
               -- Chiun
%%
Professional wrestling:  ballet for the common man.
%%
Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.
Eng.  130 midterm.  Once again a student did not receive a single point
on his exam.  Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter.  Newell's
earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
%%
Professor: A textbook wired for sound.
               -- "Laughs Unlimited"
%%
Professors forget to do it.
%%
Profits go to the profit minded.
%%
Program 'till you puke!
%%
Program - what commercials try to do to us.
%%
Program Initialization Error 1432.
%%
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
programmer to write programs in English, and you will find that
programmers cannot write in English.
%%
Program in disorder - perhaps you'd better Quit
%%
Program quits.
%%
Program:  Any assignment that cannot be completed with one telephone call.
               -- Kelvin Throop III, "The Management Dictionary"
%%
Programmera person with a natural sense of algorithm
%%
Programmers can't support child processes
%%
Programmers do it at 19200 bps
%%
Programmers do it bit by bit.
%%
Programmers do it depth-first.
%%
Programmers do it full-duplex
%%
Programmers do it in loops.
%%
Programmers do it routinely.
%%
Programmers do it top down
( or bottom up or with stepwise refinement or ...).
%%
Programmers do it until it goes down.
%%
Programmers do it when the computer's down
%%
Programmers do it with Unix.
%%
Programmers do it with bugs.
%%
Programmers do it with their write protect on
%%
Programmers get overlaid.
%%
Programmers of the world unite; you have nothing to use but your brains!
%%
Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
               -- D. M. Ritchie
%%
Programming Department:  Mistakes made while you wait.
%%
Programming by Monte Carlo methods is frowned upon.
%%
Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will
take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.
%%
Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals.
               -- Henry Spencer, [email protected]
%%
Programming is an art form that fights back.
%%
Programming is an unnatural act.
%%
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied
mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure
mathematicians.
               -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%%
Programs are like martyrs--the REAL shit doesn't hit
the fan until you execute them....
               -- Lindsey Durway ([email protected])
%%
Programs are like poetry
%%
Programs do it in loops.
%%
Programs: Those things you used to look at on your television before
you hooked your computer up to it.
%%
Progress doesn't enlighten people - it just makes them stupid in new ways.
%%
Progress is a nice word.  But change is its motivator and change has its
enemies.
               -- Robert Francis Kennedy (1925-1968)
%%
Progress is impossible without change, and those who
cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
               -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
               -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's
                  "Time Enough For Love"
%%
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
%%
Progress is our most important problem.
%%
Progress like a hamster.
Perseverance brings danger.
%%
Progress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
%%
Progress might have been alright once, but it's gone on too long.
               -- Odgen Nash (1902-1971)
%%
Progress. The powerful prince
Is honored with horses in large numbers.
In a single day he is granted audience three times.
%%
Progressing, but in sorrow.
Perseverance brings good fortune.
Then one obtains happiness from one's ancestress.
%%
Progressing, but turning back.
Perseverance brings good fortune.
If one meets with no confidence, one should remain calm.
No mistake.
%%
Prohibition will work great injury to the cause of temperance.  It is a
species of intemperance within itself, for it goes beyond the bounds of
reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation,
and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes.  A Prohibition law
strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was
founded.
               -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865), speech in the Illinois
                  House of Representatives, 18 Dec 1840
%%
Project: To determine what makes things tick.
Plan:
       ....to stop the ticking.
%%
Projects promoting programming in "natural language" are intrinsicly
doomed to fail.
               -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%%
Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
%%
Promising career in law ahead: Two weeks jury duty
%%
Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
%%
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the
sword.
%%
Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. This technique is used on equations
with "n" in them.  Induction techniques are very popular, even the military
used them.
SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
We know it's true for n equal to 1.  Now assume that it's true for every
natural number less than n.  N is arbitrary, so we can take n as large as we
want.  If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is trivially equivalent, so
the only important n are n less than n.  We can take n = n (from above), so
it's true for n+1 because it's just about n. QED. (QED translates from the
Latin as "So what?")
Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
       Intimidation
       Gesticulation (handwaving)
       "Try it; it works"
       Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
       Blatant assertion
       Changing all the 2's to n's
       Mutual consent
       Lack of a counterexample, and
       "It stands to reason"
%%
Proof techniques#1: Proof by induction
       This technique is used with equations with 'n' in them.
       Induction techniques are very popular.  Even the military
       has used them.
%%
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
%%
Prope mare erat tubulator
Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
       Dessine ingressus
       Audivi progressus:
Est mihi inquit tubulator.
%%
Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
               -- Darrell Huff
%%
Property of Presteign's
%%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:

DC      Divide and Conquer
DMPK    Destroy Memory Protect Key
DO      Divide and Overflow
EMPC    Emulate Pocket Calculator
EPI     Execute Programmer Immediately
EROS    Erase Read Only Storage
EXCE    Execute Customer Engineer
HCF     Halt and Catch Fire
IBP     Insert Bug and Proceed
INSQSW  Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
PBC     Print and Break Chain
PDSK    Punch Disk
%%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:

PI      Punch Invalid
POPI    Punch Operator Immediately
PVLC    Punch Variable Length Card
RASC    Read And Shred Card
RPM     Read Programmers Mind
RSSC    reduce speed, step carefully  (for improved accuracy)
RTAB    Rewind tape and break
RWDSK   rewind disk
RWOC    Read Writing On Card
SCRBL   scribble to disk  - faster than a write
SLC     Search for Lost Chord
SPSW    Scramble Program Status Word
SRSD    Seek Record and Scar Disk
STROM   Store in Read Only Memory
TDB     Transfer and Drop Bit
WBT     Water Binary Tree
%%
Proposed Country-Western song   titles:

       "I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better."
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  Never worrying about what you can hit on the highway.
CON:  Not being able to have other people worry about what you throw on
     the highway.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No 1'st day of school.
CON:  No last day of school.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more 50 below zero winters.
CON:  Not seeing people freeze to death in the streets.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more Mormans, Jews, and any other ethnic or religious group you
     especially hate.
CON:  No more pestering, perturbing, bothering, threatening, terrorizing
     your least favorite group.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more Ronald Reagan.
CON:  No president to rag on.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more bad trips.
CON:  No more smoking the ganja.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more beat parties.
CON:  No more wild parties.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more being sick or unhappy.
CON:  Not being able to get out of things you don't want to do because
     you are sick or unhappy.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more broken hands when someone steps on it with cleats.
CON:  No more sports (like football with your friends, etc.)
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more butthole skatboarders.
CON:  Not being able to clothesline em.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more car insurance, and car to take care of.
CON:  No more running over innocent pedestrians.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more cleaning up your room.
CON:  No more finding that $20 bill that you lost under all that shit on
     the floor.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more enemies
CON:  No more friends.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more fights with your girlfriend.
CON:  No more meat when you want it.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more getting chased by people because you just broke their
     picture window with an iceball (right chris, rich?)
CON:  No more snow.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more itchy balls.
CON:  No more tight Levis.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more long, irrelevant trips to nowhere.
CON:  No more trips to exotic, far away places.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more losing on your favorite game at your local arcade.
CON:  No more playing your favorite game at your local arcade.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more lung cancer.
CON:  No more butts.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more pain.
CON:  No more inflicting pain.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more school, books, and teachers dirty looks.
CON:  No more girls, mags, and dirty books!
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more school.
CON:  No more beautiful asses gallivantin down the hall.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more stupid T.V. shows like Dallas, Punky Brewster, Face the
     Nation, 10 hour religious shows, Love Boat, and 1000's of others.
CON:  No more cool shows like Miami Vice, Saturday night Live, Simon &
     Simon, the A-Team (sure), Mission Impossible, and a few others.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more stupid inner city people.
CON:  No more cool local people.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more stupid jokes.
CON:  No more sick jokes.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more sunburn.
CON:  No more sun.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more wasted money on bad brew or stupid concerts.
CON:  No more killer concerts, nor any tailgate parties.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  No more wrapping it around a tree and getting killed (again).
CON:  No more going 105 down the road in the BMW.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  Not being able to catch AIDS.
CON:  Not being able to laugh at all the sick people.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  Not experiencing fear.
CON:  Not being able to inflict fear.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  Not getting burned when you put your hand on the stove.
CON:  Not being able to laugh at other people burning their hands on the
     stove.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  Not getting caught in the middle of street fights.
CON:  No more street fights.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  Not getting hit by various objects falling from the sky.
CON:  Not being able to throw rocks and other harmful objects off tall
     buildings in the city.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  Not getting in trouble for picking on little assholes.
CON:  No more picking on little assholes.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  Not going to your family picnic.
CON:  No more free money from all your stupid rich bitch relatives.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  Not having to dress up in a suit and tie.
CON:  Not being able to wear your old levis and favorite shirt.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  Not having to eat shit food like at Burger King, and other scum
     joints.
CON:  No more shrimp, steak, lobster, Big Mac's, Chicken mc nuggets, and
     other delicacies to eat.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  Not having to get up from your comfortable lounge chair.
CON:  Not being able to change the T.V. to see that porno flick that
     everyone is raving about.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  Not having to go christmas shopping.
CON:  Not getting anything in return.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  Not having to see others bad taste on the same wall.
CON:  Not painting your favorite groups on a large white wall.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  Not having to talk to the local losers.
CON:  No more friends across the country.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  Not having to worry about your health.
CON:  Not having your health to worry about.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  Not spending the night in the tank.
CON:  Not being able to cause general mayhem in your neighborhood.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  You can't get chlorine or salt in your eyes again.
CON:  You can't swim in a pool or the ocean ever again.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  You never have to get up in the morning.
CON:  You will never have another good night's sleep.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  You will never have another hangover, nor forget what you did last
     night.
CON:  You won't be able to get intoxicated again.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  You will never have to work another day for eternity.
CON:  You will never have the opportunity to spend the money you have
     made over your lifetime.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  You won't be a victim of violent, bloody, painful crime.
CON:  You won't be able to kill or attack!
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  You won't be around to get bothered by kids in a nursing home.
CON:  You can't go to your local nursing home and bother the old people.
%%
Pros and Cons of Death:
PRO:  You won't be wondering your ass off about what stupid foreigners
     are saying.
CON:  You can't give the stupid forigener wrong directions!
%%
Prosecutors will be violated
%%
Prosp long and liver,
%%
Prosperity doth best discover vice; but adversity doth best discover
virtue.
               -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Prosperity is a great teacher; adversity is a greater.  Possession
pampers the mind; privation trains and strengthens it.
               -- William Hazlitt (1778-1830)
%%
Prosperity is not without many fears and distaste; adversity not without
many comforts and hopes.
               -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Prosperity is our God given right
%%
Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
               -- Publilius Syrus
%%
Prosperity tries the fortunate: adversity the great.
               -- Pliny the Younger
%%
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
still come out ahead.
%%
Protein: In favor of young people.
%%
Protocol           : For golf, Arnold Palmer or Jack Nicklaus.
%%
Prototype designs always work.
               -- Don Vonada
%%
Proud member of P.E.T.A.  -   People for Eating Tasty Animals
               -- [email protected]
%%
Proust again: One can only wish that a man with such powers of total recall
had led a less tedious life, moved among somewhat livelier circles....
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Proverbs save us the trouble of thinking. What we call folk wisdom is often no
more than a kind of expedient stupidity.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
%%
Prune juice will set you free.
%%
Prunes give you a run for your money.
%%
Pryor's Observation:
       How long you live has nothing to do
       with how long you are going to be dead.
%%
Psst! Shadowfax in the seventh.
%%
Psychiatrist - A mind sweeper. A freudy cat.
%%
Psychiatrists do it like crazy.
%%
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
%%
Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest.
They both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't make
pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks out the door.
%%
Psycho Daisies
%%
Psycho killer, qu'est-ce que c'est?
%%
Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
%%
Psychologists do it best at variable intervals.
%%
Psychologists do it with rats!
%%
Psychologists only do it if they feel good about it
%%
Psychologists think they do it.
%%
Psychologists would like to do it with 95% confidence.
%%
Psychology is a fairly modern disease discovered by a man named Floyd.
%%
Psychotic Norman
%%
Psychotics relate to Datatrieve
%%
Puberty is a hair-raising experience.
%%
Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
               -- Boies Penrose, 1931
%%
Public use of any portable music system is a
virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
               -- Zoso
%%
Public-relations gambits.
               -- A White House spokesman, when Gorbachev offered to
                  stop sending arms to the Sandinistas.
[It's part of] the public-relations battle.
               -- President George Bush, describing his
                  arms-reduction proposal.
Politics.
               -- Secretary of State James Baker's response when
                  Gorbachev withdrew 500 missiles from Europe
%%
Publish or parish?
%%
Publishing a volume of poetry is like dropping a rose-petal down
the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
               -- Don Marquis (1878-1937)
%%
Pucker up, quick.
%%
Pudder's Law:
       Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of
       Pudder's law is not true.)
%%
Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
And frolicked in the Autumn mist,
And drank Manishiewitz wine.
Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
And other kosher stuff.

Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork.
Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk.
Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat,
That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet.
%%
Pull-The-Plug, Slice The Pie:
       A fantasy in which an offspring mentally tallies up the net
worth of his parents.
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
Punched cards! I thought only Neanderthals worked with punched cards.
%%
Purchase not friends with gifts; when thou ceasest to give, such will
cease to love.
               -- Fuller
%%
Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this: To visit
the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself
unspotted from the world.
               -- James I, 27
%%
Pure science is a myth: Both mathematical theoreticians like Albert Einstein
and practical crackpots like Henry Ford dealt with different aspects of the
same world.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Purity is almost always toxic.
               -- Solomon Short
%%
Purity is the feminine, truth the masculine, of honor.
               -- Hare
%%
Purity of Essence
%%
Purple hum
Assorted cars
Laser lights, you bring

All to prove
You're on the move
and vanishing
               -- The Cars
%%
Purposes, as understood by the purposer, will be judged otherwise by
others.
Corollary: If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand,
          somebody will.
Corollary: If you do something which you are sure will meet with
          everybody's approval, somebody won't like it.
Corollary: Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
               -- Francis P. Chisholm
%%
Pursue the monsters and you will be had indeed.
%%
Push any key. Then push the any other key.
%%
Push the limit, and the limit will move away!
%%
Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
%%
Pushing upward has supreme success.
One must see the great man.
Fear not.
Departure toward the south
Brings good fortune.
%%
Pushing upward in darkness.
It furthers one
to be unremittingly persevering.
%%
Pushing upward that meets with confidence
Brings great good fortune.
%%
Put God to work for you and maximize your potential in our divinely
ordered capitalist system.
               -- Norman Vincent Peale
%%
Put all of your routines back now! I need them.
%%
Put an excessive value on money.
%%
Put another password in,
Bomb it out, then try again.
Try to get past logging in,
We're hacking, hacking, hacking.

Try his first wife's maiden name,
This is more than just a game.
It's real fun, but just the same,
It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
%%
Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
%%
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
               -- Holmes
%%
Put on a ring of teleportation: it will take you away from onslaught.
%%
Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something.
%%
Put only the restriction on your pleasures -- be cautious that they hurt
no creature that has life.
               -- Zimmerman
%%
Put people on hold when possible.
%%
Put some whiskey in your water, sugar in your tea.
Don't turn on the lights, 'cause I don't want to see.
%%
Put your best foot forward.
Or just call in and say you're sick.
%%
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
%%
Put your ducks in a line today. So you can shoot them all with one bullet.
%%
Put your trust in those who are worthy. If you can find any.
%%
Putting salt on railroad tracks is a crime in Alabama.
%%
Pyro's of the world.....IGNITE !!!
%%
Q : What does a Chinese cook do for exercise?
A : He goes to a Wok.
%%
Q : What does a Chinese cook say to his children the first thing
   in the morning?
A : Rice and Shine.
%%
Q : What does a Chinese lumberjack do?
A : Chop sticks.
%%
Q : What is the name of the most favorite T.V. game show in China?
A : Wheel of Fortune Cookies.
%%
Q's Law:
       No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a project,
       the cost of the remainder of the project remains constant.
%%
Q.        Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight?
A.        He's the only one with a duck.

Q.        Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight?
A.        He's the only one who bets on the duck.

Q.        And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight?
A.        The duck wins!
%%
Q.        What's the capital of Canada?
A.        American.
%%
Q.   How many Holy Clerics of Paladine does it take to change a light
    light bulb?
A.   None.  Paladine lights their path.
%%
Q.   How many gnomes does it take to change a light light bulb?
A.'  None. The light bulb keeps blowing up.
A."  The answer's in committee.
A."' Ohwedon'tuselightbulbsanymoreaswemadevastimprovementsonthat
    inventionlongagowhenmyGreatgrandfatherdiscovered...
%%
Q.   How many gully dwarves does it take to change a light light bulb?
A.'  Two. Not more than two.
A."  What light bulb?
A."' You sure it's dark?
%%
Q.   How many kender does it take to change a light light bulb?
A.   None.  The light bulb keeps mysteriously falling into the kender's
    pouches.
%%
Q.   What did the soviet nuclear engineer say
    after the reactor caught fire in Russia
A.   I said Bud Light, comrade
%%
Q.   What's the difference between COBOL and forcible sodomy.
A.   Not much
%%
Q.  Are you married?
A.  No, I'm divorced.
Q.  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A.  A lot of things I didn't know about.
               -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Q.  Can you use a vacuum cleaner on your dog?
A.  Yes, but it is generally better to take it for a walk.
%%
Q.  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A.  No.
Q.  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A.  Picking them up in the air.
Q.  Where was the dog at this time?
A.  Attached to the ears.
               -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Q.  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A.  I will be three months November 8th.
Q.  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A.  Yes.
Q.  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
               -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
               -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Q.  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A.  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
               -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Q.  How can you tell a Chtorran was born in Vermont?
A.  It pours maple syrup on the babies before it eats them.
%%
Q.  How did the polish nymphomaniac chip her tooth?
A.  On her vibrator.
%%
Q.  How do you housebreak a Chtorran?
A.  With a flamethrower

Q.  How do you teach a Chtorran to sit?
A.  Holler "sit!" and kick its hind legs out from under it
%%
Q.  How do you tickle a JAP?
A.  Gucci, Gucci, Gucci.
%%
Q.  How does a Chtorran have an abortion?
A.  It eats the eggs
%%
Q.  How does a JAP do it doggie style?
A.  Her lover sits up and begs while she rolls over and plays dead.
%%
Q.  How many libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A.  Three - one to do it and two to argue whether it's principled to change it.
               -- Bill Ware (?)
%%
Q.  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
   deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A.  No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
               -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Q.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A.  I should be.
Q.  How many times have you committed suicide?
A.  Four times.
               -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Q.  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A.  By death.
Q.  And by whose death was it terminated?
               -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
   influence?
A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
               -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Q.  To a Chtorran, what's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?
A.  The bowling ball needs salt
%%
Q.  Were you acquainted with the decedent?
A.  Yes, sir.
Q.  Before or after he died?
               -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Q.  What are the ingredients in Chtorran mouthwash?
A.  Kerosene, nitric acid and 32 lawyers
%%
Q.  What are three things a black man can't get?
A.  A black eye, a fat lip and a job.
%%
Q.  What did God say when He made the first Chtorran?
A.  Oh, shit
%%
Q.  What did the Chtorran get when it ate Mary Poppins?
A.  Diabetes

Q.  What would a Chtorran get if it ate the Supreme Court?
A.  Food poisoning
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call Amtrak?
A.  Fast food
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call Carnegie Hall?
A.  Tasteful
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call Chicago?
A.  Lunch

Q.  What do Chtorrans call Atlanta?
A.  Lunch

Q.  What do Chtorrans call New Jersey?
A.  Hardtack
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call Harlem?
A.  Soul food

Q.  What do Chtorrans call the United Nations?
A.  Smorgasbord

Q.  What do Chtorrans call Congress?
A.  Inedible
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call San Francisco?
A.  Quiche

Q.  What do Chtorrans call Oregon?
A.  Natural food

Q.  What do Chtorrans call Southern California?
A.  Granola (It's all fruits, nuts and flakes.)
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a Hollywood lawyer?
A.  Tough
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a blood bank?
A.  A juice bar
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a carload of drunks?
A.  A jar of pickles
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a cemetery?
A.  Jerky
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a chain saw?
A.  A good kisser
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a concrete bunker?
A.  Crunchy style
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a fat-farm?
A.  An opportunity
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a hospital nursery?
A.  Hot canapes
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a midget?
A.  Bite-size
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a political convention?
A.  A wild party
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a poodle?
A.  Hors d'oeuvres.
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a stampede?
A.  An interesting challenge
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a swimming pool full of children?
A.  Cold soup
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a thousand worms in one big pile?
A.  A race to eat your way out

Q.  What does the winner get?
A.  Seconds
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a traffic jam?
A.  Lunch

Q.  What do Chtorrans call an elevator?
A.  Lunch

Q.  What do Chtorrans call New York?
A.  Dinner
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call a urine specimen?
A.  Au jus
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call an obstetrician?
A.  A caterer - he delivers
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call cremation?
A.  Wasting food
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call the afterbirth?
A.  Dessert
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans call the morgue?
A.  A refrigerator

Q.  What do Chtorrans call the corpsicles?
A.  Cold cuts
%%
Q.  What do Chtorrans do in Hollywood?
A.  Lunch

Q.  What do Chtorrans do in Beverly Hills?
A.  Brunch

Q.  What do Chtorrans eat for brunch?
A.  A bagel, cream cheese, and Nova Scotia
%%
Q.  What do hurricanes and steroids have in common?
A.  They both make Jamaicans run like hell!
%%
Q.  What do you call a Chtorran who eats its children?
A.  Well adjusted
%%
Q.  What do you call a Chtorran with gas?
A.  A showoff
%%
Q.  What do you call a fat Chinese?
A.  A chunk.
%%
Q.  What do you do with a Chtorran who's just eaten 15 babies?
A.  Burb it
%%
Q.  What do you find in a Chtorran lunch box?
A.  Two slices of rye bread and Chicago

Q.  What does a Chtorran use for a toothpick?
A.  A jackhammer
%%
Q.  What do you get when you cross a JAP with a computer?
A.  A machine that never goes down.
%%
Q.  What do you get when you cross a JAP with a prostitute?
A.  Someone who sucks your American Express card.
%%
Q.  What do you get when you drop a bomb on your kitchen floor?
A.  Linoleum Blownapart.
%%
Q.  What do you say to a Chtorran attacking a battalion?
A.  Don't play with your food
%%
Q.  What do you say to a Chtorran who's eating the president?
A.  Bon appetit

Q.  What do you do when it's finished?
A.  Bring it the check
%%
Q.  What does a Chtorran call Moby Dick?
A.  Sushi
%%
Q.  What does a Chtorran call a grenade?
A.  A jaw-breaker
%%
Q.  What does hair on a Chtorran mean?
A.  It masticates
%%
Q.  What happened then?
A.  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
   identify me."
Q.  Did he kill you?
A.  No.
               -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Q.  What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
A.  Popeye shot him...
%%
Q.  What is red and has seven little dents in it?
A:  Snow White's cherry!
%%
Q.  What is the Chtorran word for picnic?
A.  Rome
%%
Q.  What is the definition of a WASP?
A.  Someone who gets out of the shower to take a leak.
%%
Q.  What is your name?
A.  Ernestine McDowell.
Q.  And what is your marital status?
A.  Fair.
               -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Q.  What should you make when you invite a Chtorran to dinner?
A.  Your will
%%
Q.  What would a Chtorran get if it ate a tank?
A.  Its minimum daily requirement of iron

Q.  What would a Chtorran get if it ate a Revelationist?
A.  An American flag pin

Q.  What would a Chtorran get if it ate Congress?
A.  The President's personal thanks
%%
Q.  What would a Chtorran get if it ate the President?
A.  Heartburn

Q.  What would a Chtorran get if it ate the Vice-President?
A.  Our deepest sympathies
%%
Q.  What's Chtorran Planned Parenthood?
A.  Tactical nukes
%%
Q.  What's a Chtorran abortion?
A.  A hungry rat on a string
%%
Q.  What's a JAP's definition of foreplay?
A.  Four hours of begging.
%%
Q.  What's meaner than a Chtorran with the clap?
A.  The lawyer who gave it to him
%%
Q.  What's the Chtorran national sport?
A.  Hide and eat
%%
Q.  What's the Chtorran version of the Heimlich maneuver?
A.  Eating Dr. Heimlich
%%
Q.  What's the Chtorran word for Jacuzzi?
A.  Cup O'Soup
%%
Q.  What's the Chtorran word for friend?
A.  Lunch
%%
Q.  What's the Chtorran word for idealist?
A.  Lunch
%%
Q.  What's the difference between a Chtorran and Viet Nam?
A.  The Chtorran burps
%%
Q.  What's the difference between a Chtorran and a lawyer?
A.  There are some things a Chtorran won't do

Q.  Why won't a Chtorran eat a lawyer?
A.  Even a Chtorran has some taste
%%
Q.  What's the difference between a Chtorran and a volcano?
A.  The volcano has better manners
%%
Q.  What's the difference between a JAP and a bowl of jello?
A.  The jello quivers when you eat it.
%%
Q.  What's the difference between pizza and the shuttle?
A.  Pizza doesn't vaporize when you burn it.
%%
Q.  What's the favorite dish in Kiev?
A.  180 pound lobster.
%%
Q.  What's the favorite drink in Kiev?
A.  Black Russian.
%%
Q.  What's white and has dirty knees?
A.  A head nurse.
%%
Q.  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
   able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not
   to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she,
   with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.
               -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Q.  Where does a 500-lb. Chtorran eat?
A.  Anywhere it wants to
%%
Q.  Where does a 500-pound gorilla sleep?
A.  Inside the Chtorran
%%
Q.  Why are Helen Keller's legs yellow?
A.  Her dog is blind, too.
%%
Q.  Why did god invent gentiles?
A.  Somebody had to buy retail.
%%
Q.  Why did the Chtorran cross the road?
A.  To eat everything on the other side
%%
Q.  Why did the Chtorran eat Mt. Everest?
A.  Because it was there
%%
Q.  Why did the Chtorran eat only one of the Vice-President's legs?
A.  It didn't want to leave him without a leg to stand on
%%
Q.  Why do JAPs like their men circumsized?
A.  They like anything that's 20 percent off.
%%
Q.  Why do you hang out with that sadist?
A.  Beats me!
               -- B. Kliban
%%
Q.  Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants?
A.  So people can read her lips.
%%
Q.  Why don't Chtorrans take Alka-Seltzer?
A.  Indigestion is how a Chtorran knows it had a good time
%%
Q.  Why don't lepers scuba dive?
A.  Because they fall apart under pressure!
%%
Q.  Why don't the animals go into the jungle between 3 and 5 o'clock?
A.  That't when the elephants jump out of trees.

Q.  Why are alligators long and flat?
A.  They go into the jungle between 3 and 5.
%%
Q.  You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
   and you didn't scream?
A.  No ma'am.
Q.  Does that mean you consented?
A.  No, ma'am.  That means I was unconscious.
               -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Court"
%%
Q. Are there any historical precedents for the Soviet system of elections?

A. Yes, in the story of the creation. God made Eve, put her in the Garden of
  Eden, and said to Adam: "Now choose a woman."
%%
Q. Have you heard about the new use the Ukrainians have found for
bald-headed men?
A. Street lights.
%%
Q. How did NASA know that the Challenger crew had dandruff?
A. They found their Head and Shoulders.
%%
Q. How do you know when a JAP had an orgasm?
A. She drops her nail file
%%
Q. How does a JAP make dinner?
A. Calls the nearest chinese restaurant.
%%
Q. How many Russian fire fighters does it require to put out a fire?
A. Only 2, but 2000 of them will never return.
%%
Q. How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None - the market will take care of it.
               -- Bill Ware (?)
%%
Q. What color were Christa McAuliffe's eyes?
A. Blew.
%%
Q. What do Walruses and NASA have in common?
A. They're both looking for a tight seal.
%%
Q. What do you call  10 JAPS in a basement
A. A wine cellar
%%
Q. What do you call a JAP on waterbed?
A. 1) Lake Placid, 2) a cherry float
%%
Q. What do you call a cowboy hat sitting on top of a pair
  of boots?
A. A Texan with the shit kicked out of him.
%%
Q. What do you call three lawyers up to their necks in quicksand?

A. Not enough quicksand.
%%
Q. What happens when you try to start the engine on a Suzuki?
A. It turns over.
[Well, some of you might not quite understand this one if you didn't
read the recent articles stating that the "fun to drive" Suzuki
Samurai can be rolled over far more easily than any other car, causing
Consumer Reports, I think to give it the first "unacceptable" rating
they have given a car in many years.  Ironic because of Suzuki's
commercial about doing silly tests on a test track. -ed]
%%
Q. What is a JAP's favorite house
A. Living room, diningroom, no kitchen and no bedroom.
%%
Q. What's all wrinkled and hangs out your underwear?

A. Your mother.
%%
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
%%
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
%%
Q. What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the
  bathtub?
A. The woman in church has hope in her soul.
%%
Q. Whats a JAP's favorite position?
A. Facing Bloomingdales
%%
Q. Whats a JAPs idea of natural child birth?
A. No makeup
%%
Q. Whats different between a computer and a JAP?
A. A computer goes down.
%%
Q. Whats the difference between a JAP and a piranha?
A. Nail polish
%%
Q. Whats the difference between a JAP and a vulture
A. A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out
%%
Q. Whats the difference between a JAP and the Bermuda triangle?
A. The Bermuda triangle swallows seamen
%%
Q. When is it much better to be a women than a men ?
A. When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulences.
%%
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery
%%
Q. Which company has had the biggest turn-over so far in 1987 ?
A. Townsend-Thoreson.
%%
Q. Why Didn't Jesus go to college?
A. Because he got nailed on the boards.
%%
Q. Why did the turtle cross the road?
A. To get to the Shell station.
%%
Q. Why didn't Dr. Pepper have any children?
A: He only comes in a bottle.
%%
Q. Why do JAPs like circumcised men?
A. They always want 20% off
%%
Q. Why do JAPs wear bikinis?
A. To separate the milk from meat
%%
Q. Why do computer science people confuse Halloween and Christmas
A. Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25
%%
Q. Why do lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
%%
Q. Why does a JAP wear a gold diaphragm?
A. So her boyfreind knows he's coming into money
%%
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
%%
Q. Why was the Brazil nut so jealous?
A. It had peanut envy.
%%
Q. Why was there only one black [oriental] [Jew] on the shuttle crew?
A. They didn't know it would blow up.
%%
Q."  How would a Solamnic Knight change a light light bulb?
A."  According to the Code and the Measure of course.
%%
Q.'  How many Solamnic Knights does it take to change a light light
    bulb?
A.'  It doesn't matter.  They can't see over the glare of their armour
    anyway.
%%
Q:        Are we not men?
A:        We are Vaxen.
%%
Q:        Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
A:        No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
%%
Q:        Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
A:        He got re-possessed!
%%
Q:        How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm.
A:        Real men don't care.
%%
Q:        How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
A:        With three more bullets.
%%
Q:        How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with your wife?
A:        You have to wait 22 months.
%%
Q:        How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back in a hurricane?
A:        You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
%%
Q:        How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
A:        She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
%%
Q:        How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A:        When his lips move.
%%
Q:        How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
A:        Who cares?
%%
Q:        How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
A:        She answered the iron.

Q:        How did she burn the other side of her face?
A:        They called back.
%%
Q:        How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
A:        He sat on a acorn and waited for spring.

Q:        But how did he get back down?
A:        He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
%%
Q:        How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A:        Unique up on it!

Q:        How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A:        The tame way!
%%
Q:        How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth?
A:        Cuisinart.

Q:        How do you get them back out?
A:        Doritos.
%%
Q:        How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
A:        Paint his balls red and his toenails green.

Q:        Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A:        No -- so it must work pretty well!

Q:        How did Tarzan die?
A:        Picking cherries!!!
%%
Q:        How do you keep a moron in suspense?
%%
Q:        How do you know your elephant had her period?
A:        There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
%%
Q:        How do you make a dead baby float?
A:        With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
%%
Q:        How do you make an elephant float?
A:        You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
%%
Q:        How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A:        Take away his credit cards.
%%
Q:        How do you tell if two elephants have been making out in your backyard?
A:        The Hefty trashcan liners are missing.
%%
Q:        How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist?
A:        It isn't hard.
%%
Q:        How does a hacker fix a function which
         doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
A:        He changes the domain.
%%
Q:        How does a mink get babies?
A:        The same way babies get minks.
%%
Q:        How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
A:        Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
%%
Q:        How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:        Five.  One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the experience.
       (Actually, Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in
       hot tubs.)

Q:        How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:        Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
       Californians trying to share the experience.
%%
Q:        How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:        One.
%%
Q:        How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:        Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
%%
Q:        How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:        NONE! THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!!
%%
Q:        How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:        Ten.  One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying
       it was without a man.
%%
Q:        If Jane had been a princess, what would Cheetah have been?
A:        A fur coat.
%%
Q:        Know what the difference between your
       latest project and putting wings on an elephant is?
A:        Who knows?  The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
%%
Q:        What did Raggedy Anne say to Pinocchio as she was sitting on his face?
A:        Tell the truth!  Tell a lie!  Tell the truth!  Tell a lie!
%%
Q:        What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A:        "The elephants are coming over the hill."

Q:        What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
A:        Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
%%
Q:        What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
A:        They both like a tight seal.
%%
Q:        What do elephants use for tampons?
A:        Sheep.

(Haven't you heard of toxic flock syndrome?)
%%
Q:        What do elephants use instead of tampons?
A:        Sheep.  Haven't you heard of toxic flock syndrome?

Q:        Why do elephants have trunks?
A:        Sheep don't have strings.
%%
Q:        What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
A:        The very best person they can possibly be.
%%
Q:        What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
A:        The impossible dream.
%%
Q:        What do you call a deaf-mute quadraplegic Virginian?
A:        Trustworthy.
%%
Q:        What do you call a dog with no hind legs?
A:        It doesn't matter, because he can't come anyway.

Hear about the guy who had a dog with no hind legs?
Use to call him Cigarette, took him out every evening for a drag.
%%
Q:        What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
A:        Six sick Sikhs (sic).
%%
Q:        What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
A:        A good start.
%%
Q:        What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet
       of garden hose?
A:        Darling.
%%
Q:        What do you call couples that use that rhythm method?
A:        Parents.
%%
Q:        What do you call the WASP who doesn't work for
       his father, isn't a lawyer, and believes in social causes?
A:        A failure.
%%
Q:        What do you call the money you pay to the government
       when you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
A:        A howdah duty.
%%
Q:        What do you call the scratches
       that you get when a female sheep bites you?
A:        Ewe nicks.
%%
Q:        What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
A:        Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
%%
Q:        What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP?
A:        A computer that won't go down on you.
%%
Q:        What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A:        Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears,
       but every once in a while you get a piece of ass that
       will bring tears to your eyes...
%%
Q:        What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
A:        Hot cross bunnies!
%%
Q:        What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
A:        Will the defendant please rise?
%%
Q:        What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
A:        A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
       a delicious dessert.
%%
Q:        What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
A:        Open other end.
%%
Q:        What goes green, red, green, red, green, red, pink?
A:        A frog in a blender.

Q:        What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it??
A:        Frognogg.  If you drink it, you croak.
%%
Q:        What goes
               Click.  "Did I get it?"
               Click.  "Did I get it?"
               Click.  "Did I get it?"
               Click.  "Did I get it?"
A:        Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube.
%%
Q:        What is black and white and red all over?
A:        Half a nun.
%%
Q:        What is green and comes in Brownies?
A:        Boy Scouts.
%%
Q:        What is green and lives in the ocean?
A:        Moby Pickle.
%%
Q:        What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
A:        Feet.
%%
Q:        What is orange and goes "click, click?"
A:        A ball point carrot.
%%
Q:        What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
A:        Open other end.
%%
Q:        What is purple and commutes?
A:        An Abelian grape.
%%
Q:        What is purple and concord the world?
A:        Alexander the Grape.
%%
Q:        What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
A:        Yogurt has culture.
%%
Q:        What is the difference between a duck?
A:        One leg is both the same.
%%
Q:        What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
A:        Snowballs!
%%
Q:        What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
A:        Her bowling shoes.
%%
Q:        What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A:        A nervous wreck.
%%
Q:        What looks like a cat, flies like a bat,
       brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey?
A:        Nothing.
%%
Q:        What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house?
A:        Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.
%%
Q:        What's a WASPs idea of open-mindedness?
A:        Dating a Canadian.
%%
Q:        What's black and white and red all over
       and can't go through a revolving door?
A:        A nun with a javelin through her head.
%%
Q:        What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
A:        Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
%%
Q:        What's buried in Grant's tomb?
A:        A corpse.
%%
Q:        What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
A:        Chewing gum.
%%
Q:        What's red and has 7 dents?
A:        Snow White's cherry.
%%
Q:        What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
A:        The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
%%
Q:        What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A:        About four drinks.
%%
Q:        What's the difference between a duck?
A:        You can't get down off an elephant.
%%
Q:        What's the difference between a man and the weekend?
A:        The weekend never comes too soon.
%%
Q:        What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
A:        Not everyone's been in a fast car.
%%
Q:        What's the difference between a woman and a toilet seat?
A:        One doesn't follow you around for a week after you've used it.
%%
Q:        What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A:        One more drunk.
%%
Q:        What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A:        Erotic is when you use a feather.
       Kinky is when you use the whole bird...
%%
Q:        What's the difference between hard and dark?
A:        It stays dark all night.
%%
Q:        What's the difference between your girlfriend and the Titanic?
A:        Only 1500 men went down on the Titanic.
%%
Q:        What's the last thing that goes
       through a grasshopper's mind when he hits your windshield?
A:        His ass.

Q.        What's the second-to-last thing to go
       through a grasshopper's mind when he hits your windshield?
A.        Oh, SHIT!!
%%
Q:        What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
A:        A canary with the super-user password.
%%
Q:        What's white and crawls up your leg?
A:        Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
%%
Q:        What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A:        Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
%%
Q:        Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
A:        To the batpoles, Robin!
%%
Q:        Where'd your girlfriend get those crow's feet?
A:        From squinting and saying, "Suck what!?"
%%
Q:        Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
A:        Because she's dead.
%%
Q:        Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge?
A:        He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!
%%
Q:        Why did God create goyim?
A:        Somebody had to buy retail.
%%
Q:        Why did God invent booze?
A:        So ugly men could get laid too.
%%
Q:        Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date?
A:        She'd never been taught to say no.
%%
Q:        Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A:        To impress Jodie Foster.
%%
Q:        Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
       Jo Kopechne drowned?
A:        Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
%%
Q:        Why did the WASP cross the road?
A:        To get to the middle.
%%
Q:        Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:        He was giving it last rites.
%%
Q:        Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A:        To get to the other slide.
%%
Q:        Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
A:        Because that was her name.
%%
Q:        Why do dogs lick their private parts?
A:        Because they can.
%%
Q:        Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A:        To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
%%
Q:        Why do men marry women?
A:        You can't teach a sheep to do housework.
%%
Q:        Why do mice have such small balls?
A:        Very few of them know how to dance!
%%
Q:        Why do the police always travel in threes?
A:        One does the reading, one the writing,
       and the other keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.
%%
Q:        Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
A:        So you can watch the expression on its face.
%%
Q:        Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
A:        Because 8 inches isn't enough.
%%
Q:        Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the summer games?
A:        Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
%%
Q:      How many contras does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:      Only one, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians,
       and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North
       (no relation) to help him.
%%
Q:     Why did the Australian aborigine cross the road?
A:     Because he was stapled to the chicken.

Q:     Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A:     Because it was dead.

Q:     Why did the 2nd koala fall out of the tree?
A:     Because it was holding on to the 1st koala.

Q:     Why did the 3rd koala fall out of the tree?
A:     Because it was stupid enough to think it was a game.

Q:     Why did the 4th koala fall out of the tree?
A:     Because it was stapled to the 3rd koala.

Q:     Why did the aborigine fall off his bicycle?
A:     Because he was hit by the falling koalas.

Q:     Why did the 2nd aborigine fall off his bicycle?
A:     Because it was a tandem bicycle.
%%
Q:   How fast can a woman go?
A:   68; when she does 69 she blows a rod!
%%
Q:  Did you know condoms have serial numbers on them?
A:  I guess you're not unrolling them as far as I do!
%%
Q:  Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a lightbulb?
A:  No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
%%
Q:  How can you tell if your roommate's gay?
A:  His dick tastes like shit.
%%
Q:  How do you circumcise a whale?
A:  With four skin-divers.
%%
Q:  How do you play religious roulette?
A:  You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
   by lightning first.
%%
Q:  How does getting up at 4AM resemble a pig's tail?
A:  It's "twirly"!
%%
Q:  How many 'pro-lifers' does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  6:  2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was
   lit from the moment they began screwing.
%%
Q:  How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  1,000,001:  One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
   civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.
%%
Q:  How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
%%
Q:  How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  10.  One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
%%
Q:  How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a
   light bulb?
A:  That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on
   payment of license fee (binary only).
%%
Q:  How many Bratzlaver Chasidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  They will never find one that burned as brightly as the
   first one.
%%
Q:  How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Six.  One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
   to the experience.
%%
Q:  How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Billions and billions.
%%
Q:  How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  10,0000  - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
%%
Q:  How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
   go back on.
%%
Q:  How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three, but they're really only one.
%%
Q:  How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Five.  Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and...
%%
Q:  How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
%%
Q:  How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Thats not funny!!!
A': It's 'Women' and it's not funny!
%%
Q:  How many Field Service Engineers does it take to change a
   light bulb?
A:  That depends on how many defective bulbs they brought.
%%
Q:  How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves
   around him.
%%
Q:  How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  ('Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...')
%%
Q:  How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None a ya damn business!
A': 50.  50?  Yeah 50; its in the contract.
%%
Q:  How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Five.  One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
   Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
%%
Q:  How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
   on strike!
%%
Q:  How many Professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None...what do you think their graduate students are for?
%%
Q:  How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
%%
Q:  How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
%%
Q:  How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  At least three.
%%
Q:  How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  It's "Women" and it's not funny!
%%
Q:  How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.
%%
Q:  How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
   the ship out of disgrace.
   (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight.
   They consider this joke to be a disgrace,
   though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
%%
Q:  How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to screw it in, and another to say 'Sock it to Me.'
   (Notes: Sock it = Socket.  Also, the phrase was from 'Laugh In.')
%%
Q:  How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A:  50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
%%
Q:  How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
%%
Q:  How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  'Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000'
%%
Q:  How many WASPs (Californians)  does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Silly, WASPs (Californians) don't screw in a lightbulb,
   they screw in hot tubs.
%%
Q:  How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  A tree in a golden forest.
A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A': One to change and one not to change is fake Zen.  The true Zen
   answer is Four.  One to change the bulb.
A''':Zen Masters don't need to screw in light bulbs because they
   carry their own light with them.
%%
Q:  How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Zen Masters don't need to screw in light bulbs because they
  carry their own light with them.
%%
Q:  How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None:  A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to
   do it.
%%
Q:  How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  What kind of answer did you have in mind?
%%
Q:  How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
%%
Q:  How many anarchists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  All of them.
%%
Q:  How many assholes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  None; assholes never see the light anyway.
%%
Q:  How many astronauts does it take to fly the Shuttle?
A:  More than seven.
%%
Q:  How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  Astronomers prefer the dark.
%%
Q:  How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  Bankers don't change light bulbs.  (Ever notice that the
   electronic bank signs are full of burned-out light bulbs?)
%%
Q:  How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
%%
Q:  How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  It takes two.  One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the
   switch.
%%
Q:  How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A:  This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is
   incomplete pending resolution of some action items.
   It will be continued next week.  Meanwhile...
%%
Q:  How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  About one third less than for a regular bulb.
%%
Q:  How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to assure the everything possible is being done while the
   other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
%%
Q:  How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A:  You can throw away your light bulbs.  Just douse the cat with
   gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light
   you need.
%%
Q:  How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb?
A:  45.  One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
%%
Q:  How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
%%
Q:  How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  It turned itself in.
%%
Q:  How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three:
     One to write the light bulb removal program,
     one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
     one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
         nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
%%
Q:  How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to
   reach the bulb.
%%
Q:  How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
   installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
%%
Q:  How many dorm residents does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Trick Question.  Dorm residents don't change them, they steal them.
%%
Q:  How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  one.
%%
Q:  How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb.
%%
Q:  How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
   a light bulb?
A:  Many hands make light work.
%%
Q:  How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A:  None.  Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
%%
Q:  How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  The entire team!  And they all get a semester's credit for it!
%%
Q:  How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him
   down off the keg.
A': Five:  One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the
   room spins.
%%
Q:  How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Two.  One to screw it in and the other to say 'Fabulous.'
%%
Q:  How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
%%
Q:  How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to
   get it done.
%%
Q:  How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  They always work in the dark!!!!
%%
Q:  How many hardware folks/FSE's does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  That's a software problem.
A': None.  They always work in the dark!!!!
%%
Q:  How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
%%
Q:  How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
%%
Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  How many can you afford?
%%
Q:  How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Three.  One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it
   is than with a man.
%%
Q:  How many lightbulb jokes does it take to change a lightbulb joke?
A:  The probability that a given lightbulb joke will be submitted to
   the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it
   will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 .
   Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no
   submitter of a lightbulb joke ever seems to know it has been
   submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability
   that it will change in a given week is .08 .  So it takes about
   12.5 lightbulb jokes to change a lightbulb joke.
%%
Q:  How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
%%
Q:  How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three.  One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
   to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.
%%
Q:  How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None:  The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
%%
Q:  How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
   light bulb?
A:  7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
   Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
   to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
   that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
   see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
   stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
   light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
   shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
   promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
   is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
   approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
   Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
   a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light
   bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps
   back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new
   bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year
   mission.
%%
Q:  How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
%%
Q:  How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
   give it a surprising twist at the end.
%%
Q:  How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A': Only one. Oh, excuse me could you please test the socket with
   your finger while I go get a new bulb?
%%
Q:  How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ?
A:  1,622.  One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some
   minor variation of it!
%%
Q:  How many netters does it take to submit a lightbulb joke?
A:  1000:  One to submit the joke and 999 to submit 'How many
   programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, thats a hardware problem'
%%
Q:  How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A:  Five.   A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in
       1983
%%
Q:  How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three.  One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
   third to shoot the witness.
%%
Q:  How many pre-med students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Five:  One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
   out from under him.
%%
Q:  How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
%%
Q:  How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  Thats a hardware problem.
A': Two.  One always leaves in the middle of the project.
%%
Q:  How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  ---- You should have hit 'n'!
%%
Q:  How many referral agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you
   to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
%%
Q:  How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb.
A1: 7, one to change it and six to go out and buy Tab (or diet Coke).
A2: 65, 1 to do it and 64 to sing and clap.
%%
Q:  How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  51.  One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb
   being changed.
%%
Q:  How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light
   bulb?
A:  Both of them.
%%
Q:  How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  115.  One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
%%
Q:  How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light
   bulb?
A:  None.  If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
   itself in.
%%
Q:  How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light
   bulb?
A:  None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
%%
Q:  How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A:  Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do
  it.
%%
Q:  How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None.  There never *was* any lightbulb.
Notes:  Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
%%
Q:  How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Oooh, like, manual labor?  Gag me with a spoon!  For sure.
%%
Q:  How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
A:  As much as he wants.
%%
Q:  If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you hit him?
A:  It might be your bicycle.
%%
Q:  What did Cinderella say when she was sitting on Pinochio's face?
A:  "Lie to me!  Tell the truth!  Lie to me!  Tell the truth! ..."
%%
Q:  What do you call a cow that is standing in the Thames River near
   St. Paul's Cathedral that forms a circuit with a 220-240 voltage
   line and the water?
A1:  London Broil, of course.
A2:  Roast beef.
%%
Q:  What do you call a herd of cattle masturbating?
A: Beef Strokin' off.
%%
Q:  What do you call a hippie with no legs?
A:  A vetern.
%%
Q:  What do you call someone who mixes cement with a pitch fork?
A: A mortar forker.
%%
Q:  What do you call two skunks doing 69?
A:  Odor eaters.
%%
Q:  What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
A:  A rebel without a clue.
%%
Q:  What does a sorority girl say when she wants a date.
A:  I'm sooo wasted!
%%
Q:  What famous musical is about a family who escape the Nazis by
   elevator?
A:  "The Sound of Muzak"
%%
Q:  What has 4 wheels and flies?
A:  A garbage truck.
%%
Q:  What is cheaper, Deernuts or Walnuts?
A:  Deernuts, because they're under a buck!!
%%
Q:  What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A:  You can unscrew a lightbulb.
%%
Q:  What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
A:  A cheese grater
%%
Q:  What's -1 when less than 0, 0 when 0, 1 when greater than 0, and a
pioneer in the field of psychoanalysis?
A: Signum Freud...
%%
Q:  What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
A:  Daddy! I wanna go to the Bahammas.
%%
Q:  What's the FIRST thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
A:  Introduce herself.
%%
Q:  What's the SECOND thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
A:  Walk home.
%%
Q:  What's the difference between Xerox and the Titanic?
A:  The Titanic had a band.
%%
Q:  What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer
   salesman?

A:  The car salesman can probably drive!
               -- Joan McGalliard ([email protected])
%%
Q:  What's the difference between a kinky person and a pervert person?
A:  A kinky person uses a feather and a pervert uses the whole chicken.
%%
Q:  What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a
   pit bull humping your leg?
A:  You let the pit bull finish!
%%
Q:  What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A:  Who knows?  Who cares?
%%
Q:  What's the easiest solution to Rubik's Cube?
A:  Spray paint.
%%
Q:  What's the problem with the Chinese water torture?

A:  An hour later, it doesn't bother ya anymore.
%%
Q:  Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
A:  Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
%%
Q:  Where do watermelons send their kids in summer?
A:  John Cougar MelonCamp.
%%
Q:  Where is medicine first mentioned in the bible?
A:  Where Moses gets his two tablets!
%%
Q:  Why did Mozart kill his chickens?
A:  Because they kept saying Bach, Bach!!
%%
Q:  Why didn't Santa Claus have any children?
A:  Because he only comes once a year, and it's down a chimney.
%%
Q:  Why didn't Smokey-the-Bear have any children?
A:  When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.
%%
Q:  Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A:  So she can moan with the other!
%%
Q:  how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
   you knew how many.
Notes:  Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch
       dolls
%%
Q: Are we not men?  A: We are DEVO!
%%
Q: Did you hear about the elephant orgy?
A: It took place at the Share-a-ton hotel.
%%
Q: Did you hear about the merger between McDonalds and Kentucky Fried
  Chicken?
A: They have a new product:  Crispy McAuliffe
%%
Q: Did you hear about the new brand of tires - Firestein?
A: They not only stop on a dime, they pick it up.
%%
Q: Did you hear about the new movie called "Altered Suits?"
A: It's the story of a Jewish man who takes acid and buys retail.
%%
Q: Did you hear that Christa was to do a spot for the U.S Forestry
  Service?
A: "Learn not to burn"
%%
Q: Have you heard about the new cookbook?
A: It's called "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog."
"You can tell by the way I use my wok,
I'm a Chinese cook, no time to talk"
%%
Q: How can I choose what groups to post in?  ...
Q: How about an example?

A: Ok.  Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from the
Oilers to the Kings.  Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
would be enough.  WRONG.  Many more people might be interested.  This is a
big trade!  Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
as well.  If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
news.admin.  If not, use news.misc.

The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.  He is
a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
interested in stars.  Next, his name is Polish sounding.  So post to
soc.culture.polish.  But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
news.groups suggesting it should be created.  With this many groups of
interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
well.  (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)

You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each group.
If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders will
only show the the article to the reader once!  Don't tolerate this.
               -- Brad Templeton, [email protected] "Emily Postnews
                  Answers Your Questions on Netiquette"
%%
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
%%
Q: How can you tell when elephants have been in your garage?
A: They've used the trashbags for condoms.
%%
Q: How did Noah construct the cages he needed?
A: Ark-welding!
%%
Q: How do most women hold their liquor?
A: By the ears!
%%
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
%%
Q: How do you keep a fool in suspense?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow.
%%
Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
%%
Q: How do you know the letter you just received is from a leper?
A: His tongue is hanging from the stamp!!
%%
Q: How do you stop volcanos from erupting?
A: Give them earth control pills.
%%
Q: How many 'Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, 'Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
%%
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: NONE!  Californians screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs!
%%
Q: How many DBMS engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: ALL. Two to support the backend, one to support the frontend, an interface
 engineer to screw it up, and the rest to turn the base.
%%
Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light
  bulb?
A:  Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
%%
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (heavy NY accent) None a ya f***in business!
%%
Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No.
%%
Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 3.  One to do it, one not to do it, and one to do both.
%%
Q: How many alchemists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Into what?
%%
Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four.  One to ensure that the lightbulb is certifiably dead, one to
  perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid
  nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for
  technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.
%%
Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
  how good the old light bulb was.
  Notes: This has also been said of Virginians.
%%
Q: How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 30; 1 to do it and 29 to stand around and say "I can do that."
%%
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four.  Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to
 object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a
 letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to
 depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a
 secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for
 professional services.
%%
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, because the world revolves around him.
%%
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside).
%%
Q: How many pre-meds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three  --  one to hold the light bulb,
       and two to pull out the chair from under him!
A': None:  premeds don't screw, they study.
%%
Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two.  One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
  screwing began.
%%
Q: How many roads must a man walk down before he finds a
 damn good pub?

A: Let us define n to be the number of roads a man must travel before he
 finds the pub defined above.  We may thus define n+1 to be the first
 road which a man need not travel in order to reach a good pub.  Now the
 traversal of road n+1 is not a necessary condition, but rather a
 sufficient one; thus it is sufficient for n+2 as well.  Thus the
 statement is true for x roads where x is >= n.  Therefore, by induction,
 it is true for any finite number x greater than n.  We may conclude that
 the statement is true for sufficiently large x, or alternatively that as
 x approaches infinity, the number of roads that have been travelled
 become sufficient to have found a good pub.
%%
Q: How many shuttle crew members can fit in a VW?
A: Eleven.  Two in the rear, two in the front, and seven in the ashtray.
%%
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
%%
Q: How many teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb
  (on the space shuttle)?
A: 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a million to pick up the pieces.
%%
Q: I cant spell worth a dam.  I hope your going too tell me what to do?

A: Don't worry about how your articles look.  Remember it's the message
that counts, not the way it's presented.  Ignore the fact that sloppy
spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent messages that
soiled clothing would when addressing an audience.
               -- Brad Templeton, [email protected] "Emily Postnews
                  Answers Your Questions on Netiquette"
%%
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
%%
Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
%%
Q: In these busy market times, how can you get the
  attention of your broker?
A: Say, "Hey, waiter!"
               -- from rec.humor.funny
%%
Q: In what way can Quicksort improve the performance of Natural
  Merge?
A: By making it faster.
%%
Q: Is the Kiev accident anything like Three Mile Island?
A: Of course, there's a direct core-relation.
%%
Q: Is there ANYthing that is stronger than love?
A: Yes, garlic.
%%
Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.  What
should I do?

A: Post the correct answer at once!  We can't have people go on believing
that!  Very good of you to spot this.  You'll probably be the only one to
make the correction, so post as soon as you can.  No time to lose, so
certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if somebody else has made the
correction.

And it's not good enough to send the message by mail.  Since you're the
only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform
the whole net right away!
               -- Brad Templeton, [email protected] "Emily Postnews
                  Answers Your Questions on Netiquette"
%%
Q: What branch of the service has 7 openings for shuttle pilots?
A: The Marine Corpse.
%%
Q: What condition was Christa McAuliffe suffering from?
A: Teacher burnout.
%%
Q: What did Christa McAuliffe leave to her students in her will?
A: A picture of herself, blown up.
%%
Q: What did Jesus do when he got to the Holiday Inn?
A: He threw some nails down on the counter and asked,
  "Can you put me up for the night?"
%%
Q: What did astronaut say to his/her spouse before the launch?
A: You feed the dog; I'll feed the fish.
%%
Q: What did the battery say to the potato chip?
A: If you're Frito-Lay, I'm Ever-Ready.
%%
Q: What do <*ethnic*> girls put behind their ears to attract men?
A: Their ankles.
%%
Q: What do bar owners have in common with lesbians?
A: Licker Licenses.
%%
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
%%
Q: What do the Chinese cooks listen to while making dinner?
A: Wok music on a Wokman.
%%
Q: What do the Patriots and the space shuttle have in common?
A: They both were doing fine for a minute and a half.
%%
Q: What do the sharks around Cape Canaveral eat?
A: Launch meat.
%%
Q: What do women and turds have in common?
A: The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.
%%
Q: What do you call 500 Indian women with no nipples???
A: The Indian-Nippless-500.
%%
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
%%
Q: What do you call a 6' 6" Angolan Guerilla with a sub-machine gun and six
 hand-grenades?
A: "Sir."
%%
Q: What do you call a cow that can't give milk?
A: An utter failure.
%%
Q: What do you call a potato in orbit?
A: A spudnik.
%%
Q: What do you call a potato that commits a crime?
A: A perpetater.
%%
Q: What do you call a potato that reads the news?
A: A commentater
%%
Q: What do you call a potato that runs a country?
A: A dictater.
%%
Q: What do you call a short psychic who escapes from prison?
A: A small medium at large.
%%
Q: What do you call an E.T. with three balls?
A: E.T.: The Extratesticle
%%
Q: What do you call the taxi stands in front of a Dallas hotel?
A: The yellow rows of taxis.
%%
Q: What do you do for a choking dyslexic rabbi?

A: You perform the L'chaim Maneuver.
%%
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
%%
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
%%
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A-flat miner.
%%
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on a battlefield?
A: A-flat Major.
%%
Q: What do you get when you employ a Kiev resident as a movie critic?
A: Glowing reviews.
%%
Q: What do you get when you kiss a galactic frog?
A: Star Warts.
%%
Q: What does N.A.S.A. stand for?
A: Not Another Seven Astronauts.
%%
Q: What does NASA stand for?
A: National Astronaut Scattering Administration
%%
Q: What does a 200 lb. canary say?
A: "Here, kitty."
%%
Q: What does a lawyer typically say in a bar?
A: "Moo"
%%
Q: What does an insomniac, dyslexic philosopher do at night?
A: He stares at the ceiling and wonders if there's a Dog.
%%
Q: What does it take to make a dead baby float?
A: One scoop of ice cream and one scoop of dead baby!
%%
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing.  There are some things a pig won't do.
%%
Q: What has four legs an an arm?

A: A VERY happy pit bull!
%%
Q: What has two heads, gives milk, and goes "moo"?
A: A goose in Kiev.
%%
Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"?
A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
%%
Q: What is a free list?
A: A data structure on a North American computer.
%%
Q: What is black, white, red and cannot turn around in an elevator?
A: A nun with a shovel through her head.
%%
Q: What is brown, has a hump, and lives at the North Pole?
A: A lost camel.
%%
Q: What is small and yellow and very dangerous?
A: A canary with the system password.
%%
Q: What is the best way a lawyer can prolong his life?
A: Wrap himself with duct tape.
%%
Q: What is the black stuff between the elephant's toes?
A: Pygmies who were in the forest between 2 and 3 PM.
%%
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
%%
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
%%
Q: What is the difference between Australia and real yoghurt?

A: Yoghurt has a living culture.
%%
Q: What is the difference between a Moose and the Lawrence Welk
  Orchestra?
A: A Moose has its horns in the front and its ass hole in the back.
%%
Q: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care.
%%
Q: What is the motto for the Soviet Ministry of Nuclear Power?
A: "Better dead than Red."
%%
Q: What is the new emblem of the Soviet Union?
A: The hammer and sickle-cell.
%%
Q: What is the nickname of the first teacher in space?
A: Crispy McAuliffe
%%
Q: What is the speed of a swallow?
A: The speed of the swallow,
 Black, white, green, or yellow,
 Is the largest eigenvalue
 (Calculated as I tell you)
 Of the matrix of wind vectors,
 And some other similar factors,
 ....
 The jist of this [blasted] rhyme
 Is that exact speed varies with time.
%%
Q: What is their favorite music when you see your lover cooking
outside on a bad day with another person?
A: "I saw you...(and HIM!)...Wokking in the rain..."
%%
Q: What is their favorite party music?
A: "Everybody Wang Chung tonight."
%%
Q: What is their favorite song?
A: "Wok Like an Egyptian"
%%
Q: What is their favorite spiritual?
A: "Wok of Ages"
%%
Q: What method of suicide is the best?
A: Dying of old age: it takes the longest and most planning.
%%
Q: What one word describes the absolute worst blowjob you have
  ever had?

A: Fantastic!
%%
Q: What to you call a potato participating in the Siddhis project?
A: A levitater.
%%
Q: What was going through the astronauts heads when the space shuttle
  blew up?
A: A 7-inch piece of metal.
%%
Q: What was the last thing to go through Christa's mind?
A: A heat tile.
%%
Q: What was the weather forecast down in Florida the morning of the
  shuttle blast?
A: Cloudy, with widely scattered bodies and debris.
%%
Q: What well-known novel could have predicted the fate of the space
  shuttle Challenger?
A: The Story of O-Ring
%%
Q: What were Christie McAuliffe's last words?
A: "Hey, what's this button for?"
%%
Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
A: Two hours of begging.
%%
Q: What's black and white and black and white and black and white
 and black and white and black and blue?
A: A nun falling downstairs.
%%
Q: What's black and white and found all over??
A: The space shuttle Challenger.
%%
Q: What's black and white and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.
%%
Q: What's the REAL definition of Endless Love?
A: Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.....
%%
Q: What's the choice between the shuttle Challenger and Dolly Parton?
A: It's Boom or Bust!
%%
Q: What's the difference between God and a programmer?
A: God doesn't think he is a programmer.
%%
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
  lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
%%
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
%%
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a pig?
A: A pig doesn't become a lawyer when he drinks.
%%
Q: What's the difference between an IBM-PC and a boat anchor?
A: Segment registers.
%%
Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: Taste.
%%
Q: What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits your
  windshield?
A: It's ass.
%%
Q: What's the main difference between what biologists call a "bug"
  and what computer programmers call a "bug"?
A: Biological bugs reproduce very easily.
%%
Q: What's the only thing left of the first teacher in space?
A: Her pupils.
%%
Q: Whats the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?
A: You can't make a vitamin...
%%
Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
A: Ugly sheep.
%%
Q: Where is Christa McAuliffe spending her vacation?
A: All over the Eastern coast of Florida.
%%
Q: Why are so many experimental labs now using lawyers instead of white
  rats?
A: (1) There are more lawyers than rats, (2)  The scientists don't
  become as attached to the lawyers and (3) There are some things even
  a rat won't do.
%%
Q: Why did Bach have 20 children?
A: He had no stops on his organ.
%%
Q: Why did NASA management overrule their engineers and launch the
  Challenger?
A: To impress Jodie Foster.
%%
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?
A: He heard the ref was blowing fowls.
%%
Q: Why did the elephant wear sunglasses?
A: He didn't want to be recognized.

Q: Why did the grape wear sunglasses.
A: It wanted to be an elephant.
%%
Q: Why didn't the Greek ever leave home?
A: He couldn't bear to leave his sisters behind
Q: Why did he do so poorly in school?
A: He hadn't been reared properly.
%%
Q: Why didn't the astronauts take a shower before the fateful launch ??
A: Because they wanted to wash up on the shore.
%%
Q: Why do Vulcans have pointed ears?
A: So they can count to twelve.
               -- "Mad Magazine"
%%
Q: Why do the Swedes bring sandpaper to the desert?
A: They use it as a map.
%%
Q: Why do the elephants paint their toenails red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
%%
Q: Why does the U.S.S. ENTERPRISE ("Star Trek") stock so much toilet paper?
A: To wipe out the Klingons around Uranus.
%%
Q: Why don't Baptists do it standing up?
A: Because it might lead to dancing.
%%
Q: Why don't the French have to worry about radioactivity from the
  Russian nuclear accident?
A: They won't let the cloud use their airspace.
%%
Q: Why is Pepsi the official soft drink of NASA?
A: They couldn't get Seven-Up.
%%
Q: Why is football the only real gay game?
A: The quarterback's job is to make passes at the tight-end (deep and
  long) hoping to score; the running back's job is to penetrate any
  opening he can find.
%%
Q: Why is one prong on a wall plug wider than the other?

A: Well, supposedly, it's because this arrangement protects your electronic
 equipment by providing a ground.  Actually, it's because the great Gods
 of Electromotive Force require a small sacrifice of time and profanity
 every time you plug something in.
%%
Q: Why should you bury your lawyer?
A: Because deep down inside, he's a good guy.
%%
Q: Why they don't let government workers look out the window in the morning?
A: So they'll have something to do in the afternoon!
%%
Q: why did Pope John Paul get rid of all the dogs at the Vatican ?
A: Because they always went around urinating on the poles.
%%
Q:how numb can an unworld get?
A:number
%%
QED.
%%
QFM:
       Quelle Fashion Mistake. "It was really QFM, I mean painter
pants? That's 1979 beyond belief!"
               -- Douglas Coupland, Generation X
%%
QUANTIZATION REVISION OF MURPHY'S LAW:
       Every thing goes wrong all at once.
%%
QUANTUM MECHANICS FOR WOMEN:
It is impossible to know both what a woman is doing or where she is going
at any given instant.
%%
QUARK:
       The sound made by a well bred duck.
%%
Qoylu' vIneHpu'be'chugh vIjatlhpu'be'
               -- Klingon Proverb
Translation:  If I hadn't want it heard I wouldn't have said it.
               -- "The Final Reflection"
%%
Quack!
       Quack!! Quack!!
%%
Quality-of-Life Constant:
Each time you think you are about to be
able to make both ends meet, somebody moves
the ends.
%%
Quantum Mechanics do it with uncertainty.
%%
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams of which stuff is made.
%%
Quantum mechanics provides us with an approximate, plausible, conjectural
explanation of what actually is, or was, or may be taking place inside a
cyclotron during a dark night in February.
               -- Edward Abbey
%%
Quark!  Quark!  Beware the quantum duck!
%%
Quasars shift red
Hot stars burn blue
Space is warped
And so are you.
%%
Que es mas macho: `lightbulb' o `schoolbus'?
%%
Que pendejo!
%%
Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday.  Mannis feels he must
devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
Nazi Martin Bormann.  A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
weighing the odds of a slander suit.  Mayor Koch could naturally be
reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
               -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
%%
Question Authority, ask me anything
%%
Question with boldness even the existence of God; because, if there be
one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of
blindfolded fear.
               -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
%%
Question: "Do you consider $10 a week enough for a longshoreman with
a family to support?"

Answer: "If that's all he can get, and he takes it, I should say it's enough."
               -- J. P. Morgan (1837-1913)
%%
Question: "Do you think the State or any other institution should do
more for writers?"

Answer: The State should do no more for writers than it should do for
any other person who lives in it.  The State should give shelter, food,
warmth, etc., whether the person works for the State or not.  Choice of
work, and the money that comes from it, should then be free for that
man; what work, what money, is his own bother.
               -- Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)
%%
Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
%%
Questionable day.
Ask somebody something.
%%
Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
               -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
%%
Qui trop embrasse mal entreint. (Grab much, gain little.)
%%
Quick as a flashlight.
               -- Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer
%%
Quick, Boo-Boo, hide the lunch basket!  Here comes the park ranger!
%%
Quien mucho abarca poco aprieta. (Grab much, gain little.)
%%
Quiet return. Good fortune.
%%
Quigley's Laws:
       1) If you take off your right-hand glove in
          very cold weather, the key will be in
          your left-hand pocket.
       2) Any system that works perfectly will
          be revised.
%%
Quisling:  After Vikdun Quisling, the Norwegian Prime Minister who invited
         the Germans to occupy his country at the start of World War II.
%%
Quit reading cookies and get to work.
%%
Quit reading these messages, and get back to work.
%%
Quit when you're still behind.
               -- Pierre Salinger
%%
Quit while you're ahead.  You may not get another chance.
%%
Quit work and play for once!
%%
Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
%%
Quod licet Iovi non licet bovi.
[Translation: What Jove may do, is not permitted to a cow.]
%%
Quotable Quotes from Reader's Digest, April 1987:

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would
be so simple that we couldn't.
%%
Quoting court decisions is not a very useful activity when arguing with
someone who is engaging in their constitutionally protected right to
disagree with those decisions and attempting to change the environment
in which they are made.  You might believe that any legal decision by the
courts is ipso facto correct and moral, but that's not the way most folks
in this country operate.  Look at Roe v. Wade... I happen to agree with
the goals of that decision, but there are a hell of a lot of people who
don't, and they have managed to get it changed, to some extent.  Jeff is
in the same position, and can quite reasonably argue that these statistics
are irrelevant to his position.
               -- Peter da Silva, [email protected]
%%
RACERS like to come in first.
%%
RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall.
%%
RADICAL: A person whose left hand does know what his other left hand is
doing.
               -- Bernard Rosenberg
%%
RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
READY
>_
%%
RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.
%%
RAID Antivirus - Kills Virus's DEAD!!!
%%
RAID!!!
%%
RAM - a male sheep.
%%
RAM wasn't built in a day.
%%
RANDOM:
       as in number, predictable.
       as in memory access, unpredictable.
%%
READ UNHAPPY - MAKNAM
               -- LISP 1.5
%%
REAL BOSTONIANS decorate an apartment the old-fashioned way ...
   ... they fern it.
%%
REAL BUDDY:
       Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs,
       and come back and give you one.
%%
REAL COOKS obtain butter the old-fashioned way ...
   ... they churn it.
%%
REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.
%%
REAL MUSICIANS adjust their volume the old-fashioned way ...
   ... they turn it [to eleven!  Owright!!!].
%%
REAL PROGRAMMERS deal with assembly language the old-fashioned way ...
   ... they learn it.
%%
REAL PROGRAMMERS disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for
 compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and
 carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.
%%
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules.
 Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.
 REAL PROGRAMMERS ignore schedules.
%%
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't bring brown-bag lunches to work. If the vending machine
 sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't
 eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
%%
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should
 be hard to understand - and even harder to modify.
%%
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't do documentation. Documentation is for simps who can't
 figure out the listing.
%%
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies. And Szechwan food. Do
 not go to eat Szechwan food with a group of REAL PROGRAMMERS unless you are
 prepared to argue bitterly over the last spring roll.
%%
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't use LISP. Only weakling programmers use more parentheses
 than actual code.
%%
REAL PROGRAMMERS don't write in Pascal, Mesa, Ada or any of those other pinko
 computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories.
%%
REAL PROGRAMMERS have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil.
 Managers are for dealing with the bozos in Personnel, bean counters, senior
 planners and other mental defectives.
%%
REAL PROGRAMMERS know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in
 every real program. Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to
 address another execute as the target instruction. REAL PROGRAMMERS despise
 such petty restrictions.
%%
REAL PROGRAMMERS like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave
 oven. REAL PROGRAMMERS use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell what
 job is running just by listening to the rate of popping.
%%
REAL PROGRAMMERS:

Don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's
form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts - look how much good
it did for them.

Don't Believe in schedules.  Planners make up schedules. Managers
"firm up" schedules.  Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.
Real programmers Ignore schedules.

Like vending machine popcorn.  Coders pop it in the microwave oven.
Real programmers use the heat given off by the CPU.  They can tell
what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping.

Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every real
program.  Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to address
another execute as the target instruction.  Real programmers despise
such petty restrictions.

Don't bring brown bag lunches to work.  If the vending machine
sells it, they eat it.  If the vending machine doesn't sell it,
they don't eat it.  Vending machines don't sell quiche...

Real programmers' programs never work right the first time.  But
if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working
in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
%%
REAL TEXANS curse the old-fashioned way ...
   ... the dern it.
%%
REAL WOMYN answer a man's advance the old-fashioned way ...
   ... they spurn it.
%%
REALITY.DAT not found. Press any key to reset Universe.
%%
REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable To Recover Universe
%%
REALITY.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot universe? (Y/N/Q)
%%
REAPPRAISAL:
       An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
%%
REASON: the Devil's harlot.
               -- Martin Luther
%%
RECEPTION AREA:
       The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
       innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
       magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
       while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
       Cosmopolitan.
%%
RECOVER.COM: a little slice of hell
%%
RECYCLERS use it again.
%%
RED KANGS ARE BEST
%%
REDESIGNED: previous faults corrected, we hope
%%
RED

Let me act out my life
   by myself,
   `cause i burned so long
to be like him.
And i walked the soles off
ten old shoes,
   `cause it took so long
   for me too be done.

So let me see the man in
   the moon, who o.ce
   was silent, but who now
let's me curse in his silence.
Let me see the end of
my troubles,
   `cause I burned so long
   just to be like him.
               -- jeremy michael mullen
%%
REFORMED:
       A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
%%
REGISTER:
       A part of a computer's processor that holds
       information for a while.  Number of registers in
       a given system is N-3 where N is the number
       needed to efficiently implement a function.
%%
REJECTION:
       When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
%%
RELIABLE SOURCE : The guy you just met.
%%
RELIABLE: Sometimes capable of giving the same results.
%%
REPAIRMEN can fix anything.
%%
REPORTER:   "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
YOGI BERRA: "Closed."
%%
REPORTER:   "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
YOGI BERRA: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
%%
REPORTERS do it daily.
%%
RESEARCH:
       Consider Columbus:
       He didn't know where he was going.
       When he got there he didn't know where he was.
       When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
       And he did it all on someone else's money.
%%
RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.
%%
RESTORE A: C:\VIRGINITY\*.* /S
%%
RETAILERS move their merchandise.
%%
REVERSALS / SYMMETRY:
               -- Steve Wright
%%
REVIEWER'S NOTE: A rejection slip based upon literature and theories in
vogue during the period the reviewer was studying for his or her Ph.D.
%%
REVOLUTION:
       A form of government abroad.
%%
REVOLUTIONARY: it's different from our competitors
%%
RIBBIT
%%
RIGHT THING, THE n. That which is "obviously" the correct or
appropriate thing to use, do, say, etc.  Use of this term often
implies that in fact reasonable people may disagree.  "Never let
your conscience keep you from doing the right thing!"  "What's the
right thing for LISP to do when it reads '(.)'?"
%%
RLI     Rotate Left Intermittently
%%
ROBERT'S AXIOM:
Only errors exist.
BERMAN'S COROLLARY TO ROBERT'S AXIOM:
One man's error is another man's data.
%%
ROBERT'S RULES OF ORDER FOR BUREAUCRATS:
   1. Always state motions in as complex a fashion as humanly possible.
   2. Allow 3 minutes to count the ayes, and one second the noes.
%%
ROBERTSON'S LAW:
Quality assurance dosen't.
%%
ROBIN'S LAW OF DELIVERY:
       Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional
to tightness of schedule.
%%
ROBOT:
       Someone who's been made by a scientist.
%%
ROBUSTNESS:
       Never having to say you're sorry.
%%
ROGER'S LAW:
As soon as the airline stewardess serves coffee, the aircraft will
encounter turbulence.
DAVE'S EXPLANATION OF ROGER'S LAW:
Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence.
%%
ROM - a RAM after a delicate operation.
%%
ROOFERS do it on top.
%%
ROWELL'S DEFINITION OF THE ORATOR:
One who has a flood of words and a drop of reason.
%%
ROWING:
       Eight big men and their cute little cox.
%%
RRSGWSSNK       Round and Round She Goes, Where She Stops, Nobody Knows
%%
RS-232: An interface standard (what's that word you just
       said?)  between computers, modems and stuff.
       Notable characteristics: a universal
       uncertainty about switching pins 2 and 3.  Uses
       bipolar signals; was probably designed by the
       CEO of a power supply manufacturer.  Has signals
       nobody ever uses except the peripheral you just
       bought.
%%
RTFM!
%%
RUCKERT'S LAW:
There is nothing so small that it cannot be blown out of proportion.
%%
RUDNICK'S RULE:
       That which cannot be taken apart, will fall apart.
%%
RUGBY:
       Elegant violence.
%%
RUGGED: too heavy to lift
%%
RULE OF POLITICAL PROMISES:
Truth varies.
%%
RUNNERS get into more pants.
%%
RX (Arrogant    General Features:  Body any size, but usually not big;
   Expert)     Short, styled hair;  Glasses (optional, but typical);
               Expensive clothes;  Ridiculously expensive calculator
               in a quick-draw 'Smart Ass' holster;
               Briefcase (optional but typical).
'Typical
College        Behavior Summary:  These image-happy bozos make it their
Student'       game to appear as though they know everything when in
               fact they don't.  To reinforce their position, they
               carefully watch everyone for some trivial lack of
               knowledge to viciously exploit.  RX's regard all
               sentient life with contempt.  Occasionally
               (but not often) RX's are actually intelligent.
%%
Rabbit - Hare today, Welsh tomorrow.
%%
Rachel Prejudice
%%
Radar:  Extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger
       sailboats.
               -- from "Sailing" by Henry Beard and Roy Mckie
%%
Radford:  "How about a Black Cow on the house in honor of your being my
          first customer of the day?"
Marshall: "Thanks, Mr. Radford."
               -- "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana
%%
Radford:  "Well boys, you're my first customers in quite some time.
          Drinks are on the house; what'll you have?"
Marshall: "Uh - Black Cow with a nip of java."
Radford:  "Black Cow with a nip of java." [Turns to Simon]
Simon:    "Ditto."
Radford:  "Ditto.  Coming right up."
               -- "Hole in the Head Gang", Eerie Indiana
%%
Radio Engineers do it till it MegaHertz.
%%
Radio Engineers do it with Frequency
%%
Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.
%%
Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
               -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
%%
Raffle: In Alabama, used for hunting.
%%
Rah Rah Ree
Kick 'em in the knee
Rah Rah Rass
Kick 'em in the other knee
%%
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
%%
Rainy days and Mondays really suck.
%%
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
%%
Raise your hand,
Raise your hand,
Raise your hand if you're SURE
%%
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
%%
Raking his stiletto across your arm, the thief draws blood.
%%
Ralph: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right.
Ralph: Well, you could try.
%%
Ram: What you do to the side of your computer when it's not working
properly.
%%
Ramon Azteca!  Crusader Rabbit!
%%
Rampaging anarchist horde and floating beer party
%%
Ranchers do it with cows and sheep.
%%
Randomness: The property required to make statistical calculation come
out right.
%%
Ranger is very!
%%
Rap music is Oxymoron
%%
Rapoport's Rule of the Roller-Skate Key: Certain items which are crucial
to a given activity will show up with uncommon regularity until the day
when that activity is planned, at which point the item in question will
disappear from the face of the earth.
               -- Dan Rapoport
%%
Raquel Welch : 36-24-36
Bo Derek : 35-24-36
Ann-Margaret : 37-25-36
Bette Middler : 37-25-36
Marilyn Munroe : 37-24-37
Jane Russell : 39-27-38
Jayne Mansfield : 40-23-37
Sophia Loren : 37-25-36
%%
Rascal, am I?  Take THAT!
               -- Errol Flynn
%%
Rascality has limits; stupidity has none.
               -- Napoleon Bonaparte
%%
Rash of Stabbings, A
%%
Rasputin's Revenge: Vodka and Strawberry diet Yoohoo.
%%
Rats live on no evil star
%%
Rattlesnake - Tattle Tail.
%%
Rattlesnake speedway in the Utah desert,
I pick up my money and head back into to town.
%%
Ratty bug-breath!
%%
Raunch Hands, The
%%
Ray S. Dawroof
%%
Ray's Hangover Cure:  Stay drunk!
%%
Re: an article titled 'Inside The Dukakis Campaign':
   "Kinda like looking up a dead horse's ass."
               -- William Meyer (succinctly put, Dad)
%%
Reach high! The best is always kept
Upon life's topmost shelves,
But not beyond our reach if we
Will reach beyond ourselves.
               -- Helen Laurie Marshall
%%
Reach into the thoughts of friends,
And find they do not know your name.
Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
And watch the feathers burst the seams.
Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
And feel its chill upon your blood.
Hold a candle to the night,
And see the darkness bend the flame.
Tear the mask of peace from God,
And hear the roar of souls in hell.
Pluck a rose in name of love,
And watch the petals curl and wilt.
Lean upon the western wind,
And know you are alone.
               -- Dru Mims
%%
Reach out, reach out, and touch someone.
%%
Read a good book.
%%
Read and listen for what is missing. Many advisors are quite capable of
stating how to improve what has been proposed, or what's wrong. Few seem
capable of sensing what isn't there.
               -- Donald Rumsfeld
%%
Read in the "Letters to the Editor" column of "TIME" in response to an
article on teen suicide: "People should be aware of the dangers of killing
themselves."
%%
Read me Doctor Memory.
%%
Read me!

Read me and judge if you understand!
So you stopped in your journey because I called, scenting something unusual,
something droll. Thus, although I am nothing, and even less, there is no one
that sees me but lingers here.
Stranger, I am a law of the universe.
Stranger, render the law what is due the law!
%%
Read not to contradict and confute, nor to believe and take for granted,
nor to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider.
               -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Read the best books first, or you may not have a chance to read them
all.
               -- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
%%
Read the manual before entering the cave -
You might get killed otherwise.
%%
Read what I mean, not what I write.
%%
Reading Herbert will disgust you, but in one case it might be
enlightening.
%%
Reading Tolkien might help you.
%%
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
%%
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
%%
Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman, but believing what he read made him mad.
               -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
%%
Reading maketh a full man, conference a ready man,
and writing an exact man.
               -- Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
%%
Reading might change your vision.
%%
Reading might improve your scope.
%%
Reagan can't _a_c_t either
%%
Reagan is the first president to be accompanied by a Silly Statement Repair
Team.
               -- Mark Russell
%%
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter.  Had he run unopposed he
would have lost.
               -- Mort Sahl
%%
Real Life Ghost Busters Exorcise Poltergeist
From Mick Jagger's Home in Castro Street.
%%
Real People Wear Fake Furs.
%%
Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
%%
Real Programmers don't drink the Tequila - they just eat the worms.
%%
Real Programmers don't eat quiche. In fact real programmers don't know how to
SPELL quiche. They eat Twinkies, and Szechwan food.
%%
Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider
themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.
%%
Real computer scientists don't debug programs, they dynamically modify
them. This is safer, since no one has invented a way to do anything
dynamic to FORTRAN, COBOL, or BASIC.
%%
Real computer scientists don't eat quiche. They shun Szechwan food
since the hackers discovered it. Many real computer scientists consider
eating an implementation detail. (Others break down and eat with the
hackers, but only if they can have ice cream for desert.)
%%
Real computer scientists don't write the user interface, they merely
argue over what it should look like.
%%
Real computer scientists like C's structured constructs, but they are
suspicious of it because its compiled. (Only Batch freaks and efficiency
weirdos bother with compilers, they're soooo un-dynamic.)
%%
Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk,
otherwise how would they read their mail.
%%
Real computer scientists like planning their own environments to use
bit mapped graphics. Bit mapped graphics is great because no one can
afford it. So their systems can be experimental.
%%
Real computer scientists love conventions. No one is expected to lug
a 3081 attached to a bit map screen to a convention, so no one will
ever know how slow their systems run.
%%
Real computer scientists love the concept of users. Users are always
real impressed by the stuff computer scientists are talking about;
it sure sounds better than the stuff they are being forced to use now.
%%
Real computer scientists play go. They have nothing against the concept
of mountain climbing, but the actual climbing is an implementation
detail best left to programmers.
%%
Real computer scientists regret the existence of PL/1, PASCAL and LISP.
ADA is getting there, but it is still allows people to make mistakes.
%%
Real computer scientists work from 5 pm to 9 am because that's the only
time they can get the 8 megabytes of main memory they need to edit
specs. (Real work starts around 2 am when enough MIPS are free for
their dynamic systems.) Real computer scientists find it hard to share
3081's when they are doing 'REAL' work.
%%
Real estate brokers do it on the ground.
%%
Real joy comes not from ease or riches or from the praise of men,
but from doing something worthwhile.
               -- Sir Wilfred Grenfell
%%
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
               -- Confucius
%%
Real life is, to most men, a long second-best, a perpetual compromise
between the ideal and the possible; but the world of pure reason knows
no compromise, no practical limitations, no barrier to the creative
activity.
               -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967)
%%
Real life isn't like this.
%%
Real men consider saturated fats as one of the four major food groups.
%%
Real men don't set for stun.
%%
Real men write self-modifying code.
%%
Real pirates accept the reality that 300 baud is dead.
%%
Real pirates are more imaginative than to use the word 'copy' in their
alias.

corollary: Real pirates aren't named 'Mr. Copy' because real pirates
          don't brag about cracking Dung Beetles.
%%
Real pirates are satisfied with one exclamation point.
%%
Real pirates aren't around to trade on Friday or Saturday nights.
%%
Real pirates aren't named Sam Houston,Sir Spanky, The Gamemaster, Lord
Fagen, (insert your own losers here), or Mr. Copy.
%%
Real pirates don't name themselves after alcoholic beverages (i.e. Jack
Daniels, Harvey Wallbanger, Jim Beam, etc.) especially when they've
never had one.
%%
Real pirates don't name themselves after heavy metal groups.
%%
Real pirates don't post their high scores.

corollary: Real pirates don't keep score.
%%
Real pirates don't say 'K-K00L','K-AWESOME', 'X10DER', 'L8R0N',
or anything of the sort.
%%
Real pirates don't search for new ways to spell 'WARES'.
%%
Real pirates don't use the last 5 lines of their messages bragging about
the 8 meaningless organizations that they belong to.
%%
Real pirates don't waste everyone's time backspacing over their alias 50
times.
%%
Real pirates feel guilty when pirating Beagle Brothers.
Of course, that never stops them.
%%
Real pirates know the difference between 'f' and 'ph' (i.e. 'philes',
'phuck', 'fone', etc.).
%%
Real pirates never get into 'bitch wars' unless, of course, they are
grinding some 13 year old TI user into the dust.
%%
Real pirates never use text graphics in their messages.
%%
Real pirates spell their aliases correctly (unlike 'The Poenix').
%%
Real pirates upload. They realize that leeching is the #2 sin
(behind, of course, being 13 years old).
%%
Real pirates would never think of deleting 'Sabotage'. It's too much fun
imagining those little men are actually Sir Knight.
%%
Real pirates' aliases don't sound as if they were extracted from the
lyrics of an Ozzy Ozbourne song (i.e. Provisioner of Satan, Black
Avenger, Dark Phantom, etc.).
%%
Real pirates' names aren't parodies of other reputable pirates
(i.e. Resident of Lavender Bag, Mr. Pac Man, Franklin Bandit, etc.).
%%
Real pirates, if named after some aspect of pirate legend (i.e. Jolly
Roger, Captain Hook, Eye Patch, etc.) don't say, 'Avast ye scurvy dogs,'
or anything of the like.
%%
Real programmers are a figment of the imagination.
%%
Real programmers are not in it for the money. Most of them are
secret millionaires.
%%
Real programmers detest candy-ass architects.  Candy-ass architects won't
allow Execute instructions to address another Execute.  Real programmers
despise petty restrictions.
%%
Real programmers do not clear registers twice before using them.
In fact, if you annoy a real programmer, he/she won't clear the
registers at all. And that goes for your memory too!
%%
Real programmers do not eat quiche.  They eat Twinkies (because they
are in vending machines) and Szechuan food (because they deliver at
4am).  Also, real programmers have recently discovered the product,
JOLT Cola and have begun to stock this instead of Coke or Mountain
Dew.  Real programmers do not require caffeine to stay awake, but is
required to train new and upcoming real programmers.
%%
Real programmers do not wonder where the bits went following a
shift operation. They do not care.
%%
Real programmers don't care about users.
They write programs for aesthetic beauty.
%%
Real programmers don't comment their code.
It was hard to write, it should be even harder to understand and modify.
%%
Real programmers don't document.
Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or the object
code from the dump.
%%
Real programmers don't document;
if it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
%%
Real programmers don't dress for success unless
they are going on an interview.
%%
Real programmers don't drive cars, or any other complicated mechanical
contrivance.  Walking or bicycling are okay.  If a real programmer's bicycle
breaks do